What am I doing to myself?

I was supposed to forget her..

Supposed to forget everything of her, but..

Here I am, standing outside her office.. Again.. 

Why did I even get here and where did I find the guts to show my face here after what happened? Isn't that,  I should be the one who's holding a grudge, because of what she did to me?

Isn't that, I should be mad at her? That I should be cursing her for insulting me? - for putting me into this situation?

No.. 

I can't..

Honestly, I don't have guts to be mad at her despite of what she did to me, because for how many times I've been telling myself to let it go..  To forget her - I just can't.. It was is hard for me to do it...

I can't learn my lesson, I know.. And I am so stupid for that..

"Jessica-ssi?" As long as someone called my name, I turned around immediately. "Omo!  I am right!  Jessica!  It's been a long time! "

"Halmoni!" I exclaimed, having a wide smile on my face. Approaching, I gave her a hug which she gladly return.  I didn't know that it's really been a long time.

We broke the hug and I bowed my head to show some respect. "Jessica! how come you stopped visiting here? I thought something happened - it's good to see you right now.."

I let out a weak smile at her question. "U-uhm,  I've been pretty busy lately, halmoni that's why I don't have time anymore to come here." 

"Really?" With that that look,  I guess she don't believe me.

"I-it's true, halmoni! - by the way how are you right now, halmoni? Is everything good?" I asked,  changing the subject.

"Aigoo! I am okay Jessica.  *sigh* at my age,  I don't think being a janitor is really good for me..  I'm so fed up of cleaning,  but hey..  The salary is good,  so I think, I don't have to complain." 

Halmoni is a janitor of the company, and since I used to come here before,  and she frequently cleans at this floor,  we became close. She's like a mother to me,  and also treats me as her child,  even though she already have some grandchildren..

"So, by the way how are things between you and boss Amber?" She knows about my love for Amber, but except for the other things.. 

"U-uhm.. W-we're okay,  halmoni.. " Even if it's not,  actually.. 

"Hmm.." I just avoided her doubting gaze.  I guess,  she really don't believe me. "Jessica,  boss Amber is not in her office right now.  I heard from boss Key that they are having a meeting now." 

"A-aah.. I-is that so? " I lowered my head,  kind of disappointed of what she said.

"But.. " My head shot up, hoping for something.  "The meeting just ended.  She went to boss Key's office just now..  She's sleeping and..  Alone there.. " She whispered the last part making my heartbeat faster with that piece of information.

I don't know what to feel right now,  honestly.  Should I be happy because in a few steps away I can finally see her again?  Or should I just leave the place right now,  like nothing happened?  I don't know exactly what to do..  Honestly, I am scared.. 

"If I were you,  go there right now. This will be your chance, Jessica." That's the last thing she said,  before she left. 

I let out a deep sigh, shutting my eyes closed. Should I go there? But what if she gets mad at me,  again like what happened before?  I cannot take that. 

But..

I came here to see her right? Its not that she will know since she's sleeping there right now.  Halmoni has a point - this will be my chance..  She's sleeping.. She won't know it. 

After a few minutes of deciding,  I slowly dragged my feet towards the office and every step that I made was an exchange of hard pounding of my chest and a trembling body. Soon,  I am now in front of Key's office.

I can see her figure through the glass door.  Halmoni was right, she was sleeping - she's seated on the leather chair with her head resting on the headrest. She was facing me,  so basically I can see her from here.

I unconsciously lift my hand up to hold the knob, as I push the door forward. I entered the office quietly, and felt the beating of my heart became stronger than before. I took a step forward towards the sleeping figure until I am just a barely foot away from her. 

Her face is peaceful. How can she be so handsome, even if she's just sleeping?  Her face - everything is just so..  Perfect. 

If I can just stare at her like this,  I will not get tired.  A small smile was formed on my lips when I saw her doing some cute antics while sleeping, like pouting her lips a little. She is just so adorable.. 

I lift my hand,  wanting to touch her face. I really want to caress her cheeks so gently; I really want to trace her eyebrows and the bridge of her nose - those luscious lips using my fingers; I want to touch her face - I want to feel it just for a second, but.. 

I stopped,  when I remember what she told me before,  that I promised her that I'm not going to do it anymore. With this,  I felt that tears are starting to form in the corner of my eyes.  I don't want her to get mad at me..  I don't want her to hate me anymore.. 

"I love you,  Amber.. " I whispered, feeling the tears that are running through my cheeks. "I love you so much that I have to forget you already..  So much that I have to move on.  I have been hurting  because of my love for you..  I love you.."

It hurts.  This pain - it really hurts.  I wanted to kiss her with my last goodbye. I really wanted to but my promise to her is kept on hitting in my head.

"G-goodbye, Amber..  I hope you will be happy with your life..  I love you.. " With that,  I stood straight,  turning around and heading towards the door.  

I turned my head as I took one last glance at her.  "I love you..  Goodbye.." I whispered and felt a tear just run through my cheek.  I wiped my tears using the back of my hand,  before stepping out of the room.

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A/N: its been awhile! lol.. i hope you guys miss this story.. hehe.. sorry for the long wait.. and give me some feedbacks.. thanks!