Cheundong stared at the notebook in his hand not knowing what it is or should I say afraid to know what it is. Because he knew that if this is lee joon's diary then it means that they didn't know a thing about him. Because he knew that if it's his diary then the reason why he did what he did was written in here and that also means that even though they were together for four years they didn't notice it.

He slowly opened it and saw  lee joon's nice and neat handwriting. He never knew that lee joon could ever be so neat . They always thought that he was the clumsy funny person. The person that doesn't know how to do anything but to make people laugh. Cheundong  gave a bittersweet  chuckle. He couldn't believe that they didn't detect it. How could they? How could they miss that one of their members was suffering ?  He carefully closed the notebook and put it inside of his jacket. He didn’t want the other members to know about it especially seungho, because he knew that if seungho knew about this diary he wouldn't let him read it. Saying it was way too painful for him to read it and act like the  protective leader that he has always been. But cheundong didn't need that. He didn't need to be protected  and he didn't need a shoulder to cry on or a hug to keep him warm. Because now he knows that when lee joon needed those kind of stuff no one was there for him. No one ever noticed that he was in pain. But what is that for ? Was it just Lee Joon hiding it so well?

Or was it that they didn't care and they never tried to understand him more? To actually know him and to be his friends in real life and not only when the cameras start rolling?.

He got up from the bed and went to the door. He looked one last time at the room since he didn't know if he could handle coming in here again. It was all way too painful .

He finally went out of the room and closed the door behind carefully.

He went to the living room and found the other members sitting there.

''hey''  seungho said when he saw him ''are you okay?'' he asked

''yeah, I guess but I think i'll go for a walk or something I really need some fresh air'' Cheondoong said.

''but is it not a little late for that ?'' Seungho asked  

''no it's okay I won't be late'' Cheundoong said

''okay then'' Seungho said.

Cheundoong went outside he wasn't really planning on having a walk he just wanted to be alone so he could read lee joon's diary.

He went to the nearest park and since it was late no one was there. He sat on one of the swings.  He slowly opened the notebook .  

Feb 23 2007:

Today is just like any other day . To be honest for me every day is just like the one before. I go to school and study. Just studying that's all I do I never talk to anyone I don't know why but I feel different, so different from them. From the people I know and from everyone out there. I was born in a normal family and I go to school like anybody else but still I feel like there's no reason for me to live. When I wake up every day I always ask myself what am I going to do today? What have I accomplished in my life? Is there's anything that I am working for? Anything that I wake up every day for? For me there's nothing and I hate it. If only I could make one friend that would be enough because I would know that when I go to my bed at night and ask myself what I've done today I would answer that I've  made a friend or that I have went on a date but no, the answer is always no. If you ask there's nothing wrong with me. But I just don't like to be around people . When the teacher asks us what we want to be in the future or if there's someone that we admire. Everyone says that they want to be a doctor or a teacher or whatever that they want to be and that they want to do it to make someone in this world proud. But for me when it's my turn to answer I really want to say that I want to be someone who can  erase evil from this world, someone that would kill people who betray and people who lie. Still that doesn't mean I want to work for the police or anything like that. Because I know that even the police lie and betray. And because I also know that everyone in this world has to lie and betray to survive even the police.  And my dream is to be able to kill these kind of people, I don't care if people call me a monster or a criminal because if someone called me that I wouldn't mind because I know if I did these things, if I kill someone then I am a monster. Still everyone has a dream but how many of us actually accomplish their dreams? And because of that I never say what I want to be. So I always lie and say that I want to be a doctor or a lawyer or whatever there is . Do I think that I will be able to do what I want? Do I think that I can accomplish my dream? The answer for me has to be no. Because I don't want to live in my false dreams  and I don't want to be like everyone else.