It gets harder every day, no matter how many depression pills I take and no matter how many therapy sessions I go to I still feel weaker and weaker each day, I feel more helpless than I've ever been, I am not sure if it's just me not wanting to live like this, or if it's only my bipolar disorder. I just know that I haven't always been like this.

Maybe it's just that I don't want to work as I used to anymore cause maybe I have finally realized that not everything could be done by working and practicing. I keep pushing myself more and more. And every time I fail I would tell myself, that I'll just have to work harder next time and I do. Still I never seem to see a difference, there is no improvement and right now I'm just sick of it. I´m sick of it all.

Maybe I'm like this because of what happened in the past? Or maybe it's the disorder that I have? I just know that it keeps getting worse and worse.

At first I only needed  to go to my therapy sessions and take my depression pills and I would be fine. However it didn't last long, soon one pill per day wasn't enough and I started to take two but it still wasn't enough and my doctor said if I take more it wouldn't be good for my health. And so I started to think of this world and how much I wanted  to take my life away. Probably it was due to both my life and how much I've been betrayed and also my mental illness. I am not blaming the world for my problems, I know it's just the people around me, but  I think it´s thanks to the bipolar disorder that I was able to make my decision so fast.

Do I regret  what I did? Not at all. The only thing I regret is not doing it any sooner. The pressure was just too much for me, it made me forgot what I was doing and why I was doing it, so no, I don't regret it at all.  Still I´ve felt a little bit guilty for the ones that actually cared about me, I guess it was shocking for them when they found out  what I have done because they´ve never actually known those kind of stuff about me. It's because I´ve never told them any of this. No one ever knew . The reason why I didn't tell anyone is probably because I trusted a lot of people in the past and most of them betrayed me and used me  so I simply got to the point where I didn't trust anyone. Even now I can't trust anyone . Still a lot of the people thought they knew everything about me and they felt comfortable when they're with me, and they told me almost everything about them, and what I feel bad about is, that they think that they know everything about me while they have no idea about my life, I always tell lies just to make sure they don't know about my real self.  You could call it my dark side.

Yes, they knew that I was bipolar but they didn't know what it actually does, they didn't know that I can't sleep at night just because I am worried, worried about the lies I tell every day. That I actually can't stop thinking about her and about what happened in the past.

I thought I would never forget about her. And I guess that was the only thing that I got right.

It's not just my disorder that they don't know about but they don't even know what happens when we are not performing .

 I guess the hardest thing was when I cut my own wrists one last time. But it was still good because I didn't have to think about what would happen next, didn't have to worry about someone knowing my secrets, didn't have to worry about the fact that I will never forget about her. It was all done...