May 17 2007

My mood has always changed from depressed to apathetic and so on.... sometimes, I would get mad, sometimes I would be frustrated, but mostly I was just running in circles between not caring about anything and being sad over everything... But now something changed. I can't explain how or when it happened, I can't even tell what exactly is different, but I feel something I haven't before. I wake up smiling, I laugh, I talk. I am simply having fun.

When I started taking drugs, I thought I would never be able to feel such excitment otherwise. If I wanted to experience joy, ecstasy, happiness, I felt I needed to take the drugs to help me stimulate those emotions, because I myself had not been able to feel them. Ever. When I stopped, I was sure, that's it. That's all the fun I was allowed to feel in my life and now it's over. It will never happen again, but that was okay, because the price I had to pay was too much. I would rather live in my black lonely world than make my parents sad. 

She brought out the locked feelings in me. At least, I thought so. I was sure, it was HER. She is the only thing, that changed in my life. She must be the reason, why I feel so different.... so light... why the world is suddenly so colorful. That's why, I started to seek her out more and I think, I've became a little obsessed. I fixated on her because she was like the drug to me. Only she could make me happy and I needed to be happy to survive. I couldn't let her go, I didn't want to be apart from her. With her, everything was okay. 

However, later I've noticed something strange. Even when she is not with me, even when I am not even thinking about her, I am sometimes smiling. If I see something nice or funny, I laugh and feel happy. Those feelings are random. They come and go, I can never tell what mood I will be in the morning and it changes through the day anyway...

I walk the same road to school every day. It's exactly the same and yet, one day I feel content going through the familiar places, the next I would feel down for never seeing anything new. There is no particular stimul to my emotions, they change just like that. 

I've always known, I am different, I just never expected to be this weird... could I be sick? Could there really be something wrong with me? I've decided to talk about this with my parents. I am not very keen on meeting any specialists and psychologists scare me a little, but what if they could help? It wouldn't hurt to try, would it?