~ G.O.~

Time goes by but nothing changes. We still don't really talk to each other and I still can't get over his death. I can't stand on the stage, my voice breaks when I try to sing and I haven't smiled for a while now. I stayed working for the company. Me and Cheondung are the only ones who stayed. Seungho left to live with his family, I heard he formed a duo with his brother and they play piano together. I envy him. I wish, I could also perform again, but I know it's not possible any time soon. Mir also decided to be with his family. I think, he is helping with the mountains' work... He really turned into the village pumpkin. Thunder is a dance teacher. Who would have thought he would turn out to be this good? I remember, that when he came it was hard for him to catch up with the choreo but he actually turned out to be one of the best dancers. I see him from time to time, but we just pass each other, not even saying hello. It's so weird....Everything is just so different than it used to be.

I lock myself in the studio and start working. The only thing I have left is music. Even if I can no longer be the one who would deliver it to the audience, I still want to communicate with the world through the songs. I'm a composer and songwriter right now and to my suprise, I'm actually quite popular. My depressed mood may be killing me, but the more intense are your feelings, the better are the songs you create. I, of course, can't write about the hollow ache I feel when I think about him, but the feeling of loss, of despair... it can be used. Most of the songs are about love and even though, my feelings for Joon weren't romantic, it was still a form of love, the one friends and brothers would share. I can't write it like that, because I am afraid people wouldn't understand but if I change a line or two, it appears to be a song about break-up and that's something people can relate to. So I do it just like that. My fans sometimes speculate whether there is more behind the lyrics than it appears to be, but I am not ready to fully bear my soul out and admit how much truth they contain. It's better, they think it's a tragic love story. 

Most of my songs are given to 2AM. They suit them very much. I love their voices, they are just perfect for my work. I can really feel the emotions when they sing it and I am so thankful. I couldn't have done that. No matter how much I wish, I could sing the songs myself, I can't sing at all right now and when I think about it, it would be too painful for me to sing it. I would just torture myself if I ever tried to do it. 2AM is the perfect group to pull this off. My songs are too deep, too sad for most of the artists, but Changmin, Seulong, Jinwoon and Jo Kwon have a very powerful voices and with their ballad singers image, they exceed all of my expectations. I have a radio on but it distracts me from concentrating so I stand up to turn it off when they start playing one of  my songs. I want to laugh at the coincidence but I don't know how to do it anymore.

(a/n: I know, the 2AM songs are a little old and obviously not written by G.O. but I think, they go well with the story. There will be more later so I hope, you can accept this. The title of the song used is: Like Crazy.)

Once the song is over, I continue working on my next song, titled Alone but I am not satisfied with what I have written so far. I glance at the paper in my hands and read it over again. There is just something missing....

I hate myself for the feelings I am trying to hide

Pretending they don´t exist

And even when I am fooling everybody else

I can´t never lie to myself

I know how I feel

Still everytime I fall asleep

I dream about you and me

I wake up screaming your name

With tears falling down my cheeks

I wash them away

Every single day

And pretend I don´t feel that way

But my smile is always fake

The light in my eyes has died out

I am just a shell of my former self

But what am I supposed to do

When the heart is stronger than the mind

I am living with hope

That one day the feelings would go away

That I won´t feel the pain anymore

That I could see you in the street

And it wouldn´t faze me a bit

But for now all I have is this pain inside

And me slowly falling apart...

to be continued

(a/n: the lyrics are written by me, that's why they are not as good, but please understand. G.O. would of course write something much better ^_^)