Chapter Eleven

He looked at her who was practicing so hard that she tends to forget the time making her skip most of her meals. If one doesn’t know her, anyone would think that she was just a hardworking girl who wanted to earnestly practice to improve herself but he’s not just anyone. He knew her more than she thinks that he knew because he was always watching her.

He was always observing her every move and watching her from behind.  Basically, he already had an idea whenever she was mad, happy or frustrated at herself. Right now, she was too depressed for words that she tends to bury herself in practicing.

“Mingkki-ah…” He called her out that made her stop. “Why don’t we go and grab a bite downstairs?”

“You go ahead… I’m not hungry.” Minzy replied and continued to dance.

He sighed. How can she not be hungry when she had not eaten anything since yesterday? Thankfully the oldest member of their group had forced her to eat with her or else she would not have eaten anything yet.

“Don’t punish yourself too much. It’s not your fault on everything that has happened so far.” He whispered in a voice that can be barely heard, weak and frustrated as it sounded.

The girl paused for a second before she turned to face him with a pained look on her face. He knew that expression too well. He had seen that look on her for quite some time now. It was something he doesn’t know how to take off that look on her face.

She laughed bitterly. Too bitter that it leaves an aftertaste on him.

“How can you say that? How can you casually say that to me? You don’t understand anything. You don’t know anything at all.” Minzy said in a calm voice, strained and emphasized each syllable of every word.

He winced at her words but he wouldn’t run away in this. He has to wake her up from this. He has to help her take the first step to move on. He is not a person who’s fond of drama and confrontations but he was willing to take this up, for her.

“How can I understand what you’re feeling if you are hiding it to yourself? How can I know anything if you’re not telling anything? Not to me, not to any of our friends… not even with your family! So tell me how can we understand you? How can we know what you’re feeling when you’re shutting us out!” He yelled out.

“I… I-I don’t know…” Minzy said as she fell down on her knees slowly. She looks so vulnerable in his eyes. The strong and determined girl has fallen on her knees and looks so out of it. She looks so afraid and insecure about everything.

Unconsciously, he stepped forward and crossed the remaining distance between them. He gathered all his courage and wrapped his arms around her. Trying to make her feel that she isn’t alone and trying to tell her that he’s still here for her, no matter what happens.

“It’s not your fault… It’s not your fault.” He repetitively whispered to her as he cuddled her in his arms. This will be the first time they have been this close. He kissed her hair as he continued to whisper, “Not your fault… Not your fault at all.”

“It is… Everything’s my fault…” Minzy earnestly replied. “If only... I said something to Jiyong-oppa… If I’m a bit braver like Dara-unnie, I would have been able to tell the president about the mean ways of the leader… that she was one of the reasons why unnie was so stressed lately… If only I have been stronger like Dara-unnie, I would have been able to tell the leader to shut the hell up… It’s my entire fault…”

He just watched her and tightened his hug on her. He doesn’t know any comforting word that he can tell her. He doesn’t fully understand her because he has never been there and he doesn’t want to give half-hearted and half-assed comforting words to her. He’ll just be with her.

“Sssh…. It’s not.” He continued to assure her for that’s what he truly believed. No one was at fault. Everything that has happened so far was all about misunderstandings.

“It’s my fault! I’m partly at fault why Dara-unnie lost her baby! Why she left and gone missing?! It’s my entire fault! Didn’t Jiyong oppa blame me at the hospital before?!” Minzy said in a cracked voice.

He remembered that time where he hated the guy. It was only that time where he wanted to punch the life out of the guy who made her feel like this. Putting unnecessary burden for a little girl who’s on the very verge of breaking, he hated him for that.

He was about to say something to assure her when somebody has beaten him to it.

Somebody that he never expected to see.

“No… It’s not your fault, Mingkki-yah… It’s mine.” The soft voice whispered that made the two of them look up and shocked.

In a flash, Minzy pulled herself up and runs towards the girl that was missing for a few weeks. The girl who can take away the guilty feelings in her. The only one who can give her assurance that it was no one’s fault.

“Dara unnie! Dara unnie!” He heard Minzy called out to the girl as she clung to the older girl tightly and crying like a child to her mother.

And there, he just went back to his place again where he will only continue to watch her again and again.

“What are you looking at Seunghyun?” He heard her ask and that’s the time where he finally turned his attention to her.

She still looks so beautiful in his eyes. She’s so beautiful that her beauty herself haunts him every time he closed his eyes. But looking at her with a smile in her eyes, he would always see another woman’s face with tears in her eyes.

Bom. He thought of the older girl who often acts differently than the others but has been one of the most affectionate person he knew in his life. He knew because he received her affection for a while and he hurt her.

He felt her hand caressed his cheeks and pinched it lightly with a tender smile on her face.

“You seemed out of it? Are you not feeling okay?” Min Ah asked.

He nodded and held her hand tightly. Supposedly, he should be happy to have her by his side again. But somehow, the feeling of happiness is lacking. It feels like there’s something missing. As if there’s nothing to be happy about what happened.

‘Tabi-yah… I love you’  He remembered how the other woman would often whisper those words to him unexpectedly without any care if they were overheard.

Then he looked at Min Ah and said, “I love you.”

“I know.” Min Ah said and smiled.

He nodded and smiled at her sadly. Then she pulled him for a kiss and made him forget about anything at the moment. He was almost successful except that he would often hear her voice whispering his name sweetly, ‘Tabi…’

“Have you heard that she’s back?”

“Yes, she’s with the maknae and Youngdeuk at the studio…”

“Did you know she looks so vulnerable now but much better than before?”

“What do you think will happen now?”

“I think she’s now talking to the president…”

He heard all kinds of whispers as he walk-slash-run towards the president’s room. If he could, he wanted to be in the president’s room in an instant but it would be next to impossible. He saw the curious glances of the staff to him. Probably curious on what will happen now.

But he never cared for what they think of. He just wanted to know what she thinks. He wanted to know what she feels. She’s the only one in his mind now.

“D, please be there…” He told himself as he just blindly continued to walk and colliding into someone else.

“Ouch!!!” A shrieking female voice exclaimed.

“Bommie!” A concerned voice followed suit which seems vaguely familiar. He looked up and saw a red haired girl and his Mohawk best friend together.

“Jiyong?!” Both of them exclaimed.

“D-dara… Dara’s here!” He stuttered, not knowing what to tell them.

“We know! That’s why we’re in a hurry…” Youngbae said as he placed his hand on Bom’s waist comfortably.

He noticed the intimate vibe radiating from the two but he has no time to ask that.

“Okay… Let’s go…” He muttered as he went ahead first.

It feels like this was the longest run he had towards the president’s room. So near yet so far. Just a few more steps, he thought. Finally, they had reached the room and he quickly opened the door just good enough to hear her words.

“I want to leave…” Dara simply said, shocking him, shocking the red haired girl and shocking everyone that had heard her.

“WHAT?!” He roared that made her look in his way.

And that’s how they had seen each other in eyes for the first time after what had happened. And for the first time, he was scared to see the emotions lying underneath. And for the first time, he was scared on how empty and cold her eyes were.

That’s when he realized, she was dead serious.

She wanted to leave.

She wanted to get away from everything.

She wanted to leave him.

And that’s breaking him.