Chapter Ten

Tears.

She was well acquainted with what that word means. How can’t she be when all she’s been doing for the past week was to cry? She’s sure that many would agree that it was okay for her to cry since she has just lost someone dear to her. She also knows that many would sympathize with her situation. Goodness, she also knows that he would get a lot of scolding from everyone. She knows what everyone would say, what everyone would feel and even what everyone would do in her situation. But she doesn’t know what she was supposed to say, what she was supposed to feel and even what she was supposed to do in this situation. It’s not like she knows a lot of people who just lost a baby.

As if on cue, she can feel that her eyes were starting to get watery and she knew that she was on the verge of crying again. She cries yet she can’t feel any emotions in it.  It’s like her whole heart was numbed from everything that has happened. It’s like she has unconsciously built up a wall inside her heart and shutting off every damn emotion with it.

Was she supposed to be feeling sad now? Was that the gnawing feeling that she has inside her? She can’t seem to determine it by herself. It was like she doesn’t understand anything at all. It was like she has just become an empty shell.

But no one can blame her, can they?

 All she knew was she was too hurt to even care what anyone would say. All she wanted was to be by herself and mourn for her lost. All she could feel was the nothingness that’s eating her up. All she wished was for everything to be alright again.

But she knew it wouldn’t be easy.

It would be hard.

For her, for him and for everyone else. Now it made her think, can crying bring back whatever was lost? For if it can do that, she’ll volunteer to cry an ocean so that everything would be alright.

He was angry at himself for letting her feel something like this. For getting her hurt without him to protect her. He was blaming himself for being unable to do something for the older sister that he cherished. He cannot believe that he had broken his promise with her to protect her from everything that might hurt her. He can’t believe he saw her crying again because of another man and he thought he won’t see her in despair again.

Goodness, how can life be so cruel!

She doesn’t deserve all this pain, all this tears and all this drama. She only deserved good things in life for she was a very caring and pure person. Why did it come to this after everything?

His mind was in deep thought that he was startled when he heard Joon calling for him.

“Cheondung…” Joon called out his name that brought him back to reality.

“Hmm?” He mumbled as he frowned at the expression plastered on the older guy’s face. It looks like Joon was reluctant to call him. “What’s the matter, hyung?”

“Uhm… “ Joon reluctantly mumbled and shook his head. “Nothing…”

He nodded and the older guy was about to turn around when Mir suddenly entered the room with a wide grin plastered on his face. He saw the confusion on Joon’s face turned into a dark expression as he saw the next guy to enter the room.

“GD-hyung has come by to visit you!” Mir giddily exclaimed and he was about to blabber about nonsense things when Joon saved him by dragging him out of the room, quite forcefully.

“Sanghyun…” Jiyong called out his name and a small, timid smile formed on his lips.

His fist clenched tightly as he saw the guy in front of him now. Just seeing him now is making him mad. It infuriates the hell out of him. He breathed in and breathed out as if calming his raging inner self.

“What are you doing here?” He asked in a cold tone. “I didn’t remember inviting you over.”

“I want to know where she is. I know that you know where she’s hiding now. Durami is avoiding me like a plague and even your mother…” Jiyong said, his eyes were filled with remorse.

“Even if I know where she is, why do you think I would tell you that?” He asked and snorted.  “You just don’t think that by coming here, I’ll tell you her location.” He laughed, one that was filled with bitterness, and glanced at the older guy who appeared to be tired. “Seriously, you think that’s so easy? Goodness, such a laughable act from you, sunbaenim.”

“Please… I want to talk to her.” Jiyong whispered.

“Just because you wanted to talk her, you want to see her? God, this is incorrigible!” He said and smirked at the guy. “I don’t care if you want to talk to my noona, I won’t tell you where she is now.”

“I needed to talk to her, Sanghyun-ah…” Jiyong said as he took one step closer towards the guy.

“Don’t you dare take another step closer to me?!” He exclaimed and his eyes turned into slits. “Leave now, sunbae, before I can do something I might truly regret in the future.”

“I need her in my life… Please.” Jiyong begged and knelt down in front of the guy.

Yes, the leader of the famous Big Bang was now on his knees begging him. The guy who remained strong in whatever issues and scandals thrown at him was now on his knees looking like a weak man. But he will not be fooled. His heart and mind have already decided on what to do.

“And now you’re telling me you needed her? After treating her like nobody during the times when she’s in the lowest spirits, after ignoring her and making her mourn all herself for the loss of her baby, your baby. All she did was cry and then stare at the space, and cry again. Do you know how hard it is for me to see my noona like that? You took away my beloved cheerful noona and you want me to help you? I didn’t know how insensitive you are! So please, I begged you, leave.” He said as he bit his lower lip while looking away from the older guy.

“I understand.” Jiyong finally said as he stood up and looked at the younger guy one more time before turning his back. “You know, it was hard for me as well. I felt so incompetent since she didn’t lean on me during those times… and then there’s the loss of the baby I’ve never known… I’m not a superman and I’m certainly not made of steel. I’m just Jiyong, a human who got confused, got strayed, got hurt… But I did realize I was wrong and I want to make it up to her. Especially now…”

Jiyong paused and an awkward silence got in between them. He heard the older guy held his breath before continuing what he was saying before.

“I don’t even know why I’m telling you these things. Because I understand what you feel now. If somebody hurt my noona… I’ll definitely be like you. So I understand… Really.” Jiyong whispered. “But if ever you have a chance to speak with her, can you tell her that I’m going to look for her and that she’s never alone? Wherever she hides, I’m sure I can find her, so tell her to trust me again.”

“If I talk to her.” He said reluctantly, his being swayed by what he said.

“Thanks… bye.” Jiyong said as he walked out of the room with a slump back.

She just ordered some noodle soup in Dara’s favorite Chinese restaurant. She looked at the noodles that her friend normally ordered whenever they do some Chinese takeout. She sighed as she looked at the empty room.

She knew that CL isn’t here since she just disappeared ever since her friend’s miscarriage. The youngest member was drowning herself with practice, practice and more practice. She wanted to cheer her up but it seems like she can’t find the right words to say to her. For she, herself, doesn’t know how to cheer up.

Many would probably think that she was the mood maker of the group because of her comic antics but they were wrong. It was Dara who always glued them together. She was the one who always made the effort for everyone to hang out together even if it was a bit harder, especially after the Japan incident. But her friend still tried.

Now that Dara’s not here, no one was making them stick together. They were going on their own separate ways. Their plans for comeback were halted because of what happened but no one seems to care. Well, that’s from what she knew.

She knows she did not care. She sighed again as she decided to eat the noodles before it gets cold. As she was about to eat, she noticed the fortune cookie that comes with her order. She opened it and she smiled at what she read.

Friends long absent are coming back to you.

“Is this a good sign?” She thoughtfully asked herself as she folded the fortune that she got. Maybe this might just be the sign that everything would be fine.

She certainly hoped so.