Chapter 19 Bad Habit
Lovefool
Sehun helps me pick out a dress to wear for the party. He told me that I need to grab Kai's attention and then get him alone. How laughable I must be receiving advice from Sehun.
The last time I saw Kai was at his penthouse. Here and there, he's still as handsome as ever. He still has that dark aura about him. His eyes are still careful, calculating, mysterious. His perfect face, body and skin tone sends the same shockwaves through my body making me want him, yearn for him. I instantly feel a pull as soon as he meets my gaze. I finally exhale. And remove myself from his trance. Sehun notices it right away and leads me to one of the tables. I can feel Kai looking at me. I suddenly think that my dress is a bit too short. My heart is pounding faster and faster, and my mind remembers everything. Everything we did that night, that morning, those twelve hours of my life embedded in my mind for 4 months. This is the longest I've been in the same room with Kai since then. The distance between us isn't far either. I can feel his magnetism and he hasn't even touched me or said a word to me. He's from another world, unearthly, an alien. I catch a glimpse of his wife, Yoona. I begin to feel angry, angry at her for having forever with him, angry at Kai for not taking me away from Minho, angry at myself for being a coward and letting him go. I had a hold of Kai once, that supernatural being was mine, he belonged to me, I had him all to myself.
I see Kai heading to the balcony. I feel this need to follow him. Sehun looks at me and nods. Keeping me in check. He knows with Yoona there I can't allow my feelings to show. It would be bad for Kai. A part of me does believe Sehun. Perhaps Kai does love me still. But why then would he agree to this marriage. Why then could we have been married? I know at the time we didn't know each other that well before we jumped into bed, but how different were we with his arranged marriage with Yoona? His and her parents agreed to the marriage, the two had little knowledge of each other before being wed. Kai knew me, he knew every centimeter of me. We were intimate. We were more than him and Yoona could ever be. Shoot, perhaps this is just wishful thinking. Perhaps Kai has really moved on and Sehun, being my knight, is trying to protect me from the truth...
~earlier that day~
"Noona, believe me, I want this too, but I am not stupid. I know who you really love. And I know hyung, he loves you too."
"He's married Sehun…I cannot compete with that. I will not cause his marriage to collapse."
"Tell me how to fix this. Tell me how to make you happy." This guy surprises me everyday.
"Sehun, I can't love you like him. I don't know if I can love anyone but him. But you already know that, don't you? This is why you take a step back when I move forward. This is why you are hesitant when we-" He pulls me in for a hug. He's loyal. He's loyal to Kai. He will make a woman very happy. He's the kind of guy you want to bring home to your parents, the kind of guy you can show off to your friends. He is cute and y, kind and honest. You are probably asking yourself, why the heck can this girl not move on and fall for the knight like Guinevere did? Queen Guinevere left King Arthur when she fell in love with Lancelot who always protected her life and her heart. Lord Alfred Tennyson immortalized the doomed lovers in his poem:
A man had given all other bliss, And all his worldly worth for this, To waste his whole heart in one kiss upon her perfect lips.
"To waste his whole heart in one kiss…" Sehun wasted enough kisses on me, and believe me, and I feel very guilty for unknowingly playing with his heart. I tried to move on, I tried to fall in love with the man before me, but the unearthly creature that is Kim Jongin is addicting. Sehun still stands beside me. He continues to keep my sanity in check. Oh Sehun, my knight in shining armor, is no Sir Lancelot and I refuse to be Queen Guinevere.
"Noona, I think if you admit your feelings, those feelings you still have for Jongin hyung-" I cut him off before he can finish.
"I've admitted that I love him, but it doesn't change that he is married."
"You admitted to yourself, but did you ever tell him how you actually feel? Did you tell him that you left his cousin before his wedding? Did you give him a chance to come back to you?"
"Chance? Chance. I ignored him and chose the predictable, safe path with Minho only to find that it hurt being away from Kai. But I was afraid. I was afraid to take the chance. It wasn't that I did not give him a chance, it was because I didn't have the courage to take the chance myself." I was saying those words more to myself than to Sehun who has been sitting with me on the bed. It would be easy to fall in love with Sehun. His sincerity has no bounds. I ruffle his hair and he's smiles kindly back to me.
"Noona, you do not want to have regrets on love."
"Ya, when did you become so knowledgeable and mature?"
"I've got great role models." He smiles widely and I assume he is referring to Baekhyun, Luhan, and Kai. "Baekhyun hyung taught me that everyone has a story and therefore I must always appreciate differences of opinion and never judge. Luhan hyung taught me to act intelligently around others while keeping in mind those that I love the most and to never bring shame to them due to my thoughts and actions." He hesitates explaining what Kai has taught him. He sits on his knees next to my feet, and looks up at me. "Jongin hyung taught me to be honest, to never hide how I feel, and to take the leap without fear." Suddenly tears run down my face. Sehun stands up, cups my face with his hands and wipes the tears. I wrap my arms around his waist as I remain seated on the bed, I lean into him and bury my head feeling his warnth and his arms around me as I cry even more. I cry a river. The tears wouldn't stop. I understand Kim Jongin. I understand how he must have felt when I ignored him. I understand that he loved me as much as I loved him. I understand now that he and I could have given forever to each other. Like a bad habit I fall back into that wall zone.
"Sehun…" I try to speak through my tears. "I love him. I love him so much it hurts." This is the first time after four weeks of attempted recovery from Kai-shock to admit that I loved Kai. I love Kai. I love him, Kim Jongin, with all my heart, and it hurts so much knowing that I am too late to tell him and make a difference, too late to get him back. Sehun holds me tighter and rubs my back once again. Deja vu hits. He tries to calm me down. And I spend the day in his arms filling the blue lagoon with my tears.
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