Chapter 13 The 85th Time
Lovefool"WHAT!? An arranged marriage?" Tiffany yells at Luhan on the phone. "Is this still common in affluent families?" She sees me looking at her curiously and she goes outside to talk to her boyfriend in privacy. Whatever.
It's been 5 weeks since I've seen Kai. Yes, I've been avoiding him. But lately the urge to see him has gotten stronger. I know if I'd see him I wouldn't be able to resist and beg him to take me right then and there. There are already too many reminders with just being around Luhan and Baekhyun. So it's been difficult for me to even make small talk with them. The girls play off the awkwardness and to be fair I try to find excuses for not being able to hang out with them.
Minho and I have been doing really well. I've learned more about him these past 5 weeks since I flipped that coin. Apparently the board of KJ Fashion have grown fond of me due to my experience running our small boutique and fashion studio. We do our own marketing and the girls and I have been getting hired to create CF's and adverts for local and international shops in the city. Things were going well with my career and love life. Umm, potential love life, that is. To be honest, that coin actually fell under the counter and I couldn't make out what it landed on, but I'm pretty sure that it was heads. Perhaps I wanted it to be heads because I wanted the easy route. So I did. I am here, with a straight path to a happy relationship. No Kai, no cosmic touch or magnetism, no otherworldly good looks to send my mind to fantasy island and lose all reasoning while being there. I am in a steady, solid relationship. It has purpose, certainty and a predictable future. It's safe...and utterly boring.
Minho tries, and that's endearing and sweet, but he's no Kai. Of course, we haven't gotten that far in our relationship. We kissed a couple times, but the kisses were faint, soft. No mind boggling sensation felt from it either. I figure, I will grow to love this man. I stare out at the west wing of the luxury tower I live in. Minho said Kai lives in the penthouse across from us. Often times I wonder what he's up to, if he's dancing in the club, if he's entertaining a girl, if he's in the tub with her caressing her back and biting petals off her skin. Memories. Painful, fleeting memories. There is not a day that goes by that I don't think of him. Painful, non-fleeting memories. He made an impression on me as if I'm imprinted. But unlike Jacob and Renesme in Twilight, my werewolf left me long ago…oh wait, I left him.
I enter my room and I can still see him sleeping under my covers. I still sit in the far end of the tub, close to the window, anticipating he'd find his way back and wrap his arms around me as he sings Jaejoong's part in 'Found You.' I turn to peer over my shoulder, making sure there's enough space for him to enter and sit behind me, then I realize that he isn't coming and I am still alone. Forever alone. He promised he could give me forever...but not like this. Oh wait, I left him. I peer at the city lights and then my eyesight goes directly to the west wing of the tower, and I try to evolve into a hawk so I can see clearly on the other side for Kai. I picture him staring out toward the east wing, looking for me, yearning for me as much as I yearn for him. Just one look, one touch, one kiss....I don't need forever, I just need one moment with him, just one more.
I finally get out of my tub and hope that tomorrow my Kai fantasies and daydreams don't intertwine with reality. It always does, and I always hope it doesn't, although I don't put my entire heart into hoping for it because those fantasies and daydreams are the only thing I have of him. I turn off the lights and notice my Hyungsik poster behind the door, it's turned around. Kai. It had to be him. I look out my window again towards the west wing.
"I think I love you. I know it's late. But I want you to know that. This is love, I know it. And I am sorry for being a coward and running away from you."
I finally head to bed, and I dream of him, again. If every night I can dream of Kim Jongin, I think I can survive just fine.
. . . . . . .
Minho slices the steak for me and switches his plate with mine. He's too sweet. Guilt comes over me. 'I dream of another man when I am alone. I even think of him when I am with you, you know? It's your cousin. I am sorry.' He smiles at me, I'm the worst fiancé in the world. Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you, I'm engaged. He did it romantically. A storybook proposal: beautiful dinner under the stars and inside the planetarium. Afterwards we took a walk. We held hands and reminisce of over two months of dating. It was snowing when he asked, under the streetlights at Cheongdam-dong. Fate is funny that way. Of course I said yes, it is an arranged marriage after all. He loves me more than I do him, I know this. I catch him looking at me, trying his best not to think with his other brain and I pretend I don't notice him. I know he has urges and he's fighting them every time he's with me. And like how I avoided Kai for the past two months…two months without him…I avoided Minho's ual advances. I am sure one of these days his animal instincts will come alive. But I am sure it will be nothing compared to Kai's.
There I go, comparing this wonderful man to his younger, beautiful cousin. It's not fair. And I know I shouldn't be like that. But what to do, I'm broken and he's going to have to accept me like this or leave me. I don't mean to be dark or cynical here, it's simply the truth. I don't think I can give myself to anyone, not the same way that I gave myself to Kai. What did Tiffany say about him: "He touches you in even the slightest manner and it's always just enough to light you up, and I know he gets your body glowing for days." She needs to write romance novels.
Speaking of Tiffany, her and Taeyeon's relationships with Kai's best friends have been going strong. The girls are happy and the guys are wonderful to them. Sometimes I wonder though, how can a girl as cheeky as Tiffany be with someone like Luhan. He's docile like a deer and Tiffany is a straight cougar. Baekhyun and Luhan were signed by SM Entertainment and will be debuting within the next few months. Kai dropped out of Korea National and stopped dancing. He is taking over KJ Fashion early, his father has fallen ill again and the board has entrusted that Kai take over rather than Minho. Minho will take a position below him as Chief of Operations/VP. It makes me sad to think Kai had to forgo his dream. Luhan said that he was set to sign a contract with SM early in January and Kai actually asked the President to allow for Baeks and him to audition. They were all going to be in the 5-member group, until Kai had to suddenly take over his father's company.
For three days straight, I would walk over to the west wing and hope to bump into him. I didn't have a clue to what I'd say but I would probably just stare at him, soak in whatever I could of his aura, and run back to my side of the tower. I spent 5 weeks avoiding him only to spend another 5 addicted to him. I am a complete mess. One time I was leaving for work one morning and a long-legged woman met me at the elevator. She came from Kai's penthouse. We are the only two penthouses on this floor. She had to belong to Kai. She looked like a dancer. She was talking to her agent about her auditions for Swan Lake. She was a ballerina. She's perfect for him. She made a second phone call and it was probably a message for Kai. "Baby, I already miss you. I will see you when I get back." I felt a pain in my chest. I mean, I knew he'd move on, I stupidly hoped that if I couldn't be with him no one could. But it is Kai, girls couldn't resist him and like I said before, it was a stupid thing to hope for.
It's been 3 months. 12 weeks. 84 days. 2,016 hours. 120,960 minutes. 7,257,600 seconds... I've officially lost my mind...
I spot Taeyeon and Baekhyun watching The Princess Bride and I join them popcorn in hand. I forgot how romantic the film was. I glance over at the cutest couple in the world as they whisper and giggle. Baekhyun laces his fingers over hers. He holds her protectively, he nips at her shoulders and steals kisses on her neck. Going back and forth from The Princess Bride to TaeHyun couple, I am reminded of how sweet my short time with Kai was...Kai fills my heart and head, he's permanently engraved no matter how many times I try to shake the feeling. I leave BaekYeon to get a drink when I notice something reflecting from under the kitchen counter. I slide it over with a chopstick and I stare at the coin, tales up. Tales? It landed on tales?!
I forget that I am wearing my navy blue anchors pajama set and run to Kai's side of the tower. I ring the bell, and my heart pounds with anticipation. It was tales the entire time. My entire body is in such a high right now, I hope I can contain it enough to explain how fate brought me to him.
Kai answers the door, I swear he has a spotlight on him because I am completely mesmerized. I smile brightly except it doesn't last when I see a girl in one of his tank tops appear behind him asking who it is. It's not the ballerina from earlier. My heart suddenly shatters, my chest feels like it is caving in and it becomes difficult to breathe. Kai looks at me the same way he delivered our pizzas, with no care in the world. I become numb, I can't even say a single word. I look at him but then he gets all blurry, my eyes are wet, and he finally speaks, "I think you've got the wrong penthouse." He bows, and shuts the door. I stumble back and hit the wall. I drag my body back to my penthouse. I lean on the walls for support. He's done with me. As he should be. I left him. I don't make it to my door because my legs give in. I sit against the wall and bury my head in my knees and cry for the 85th time in the last 3 months.
Hi Everybody! Just wanted to let you know that I made a Lovefool trailer. Please check it out and comment. Thanks! Find it on Lovefool's foreword :)
Comments