Secretum

11.27.2012

8:12 PM

Minhwan’s POV

I feel nervous. It’s already been ten minutes since shift ended and its been fifteen minutes since I’ve been standing outside Hongki’s door. I know I should go in but why do I feel so nervous? It’s like every time I draw my hands towards Hongki’s door, they seem to freeze, as if they had a will of their own. Why was this happening? I’m not usually like this, but there is something, something about him that makes me this way. I don’t know what but it’s definitely there. Taking a deep breath, I open the door and enter his room.

He wasn’t in his bed. Actually, he’s sitting in the seat next to his bed, facing the window. The blinds are drawn up, revealing the magnificent city. Against the backdrop of the night sky, the lights projected by the buildings were illuminated, their lights radiating far into the distance. From afar, they seemed like diamonds of sorts. It was truly and breathtaking and spectacular view. We stayed like that for some time, just staring outside the window into the starry sky.

“So you actually came huh?”

“Disappointed? I could leave if you want.”

“No. Don’t go.”

“Alright then. I’ll stay. Talk when you feel ready. There’s no need to rush into things.”

“Thank you.”

Silence enveloped the room, as no form of interaction took place. We just both stayed there, sitting in our respective seats, staring into the starry sky. We stayed like that for some time before he started to converse with me.

“It’s beautiful isn’t it?”

“It is.”

“When I was a kid, I always used to wish that I was a star so that I could stay up there in the sky, and just look down at the Earth.”

“That’s a nice thought.”

“As I grew up, I met people, matured, and pretty soon I forgot all about that dream and now, as I stare outside this window, I find myself remembering it. It’s the first thing that popped into my head.”

“Dreams are like that. We rapidly modify them as we go along and eventually, when we come across something from our past, we naturally remember them.”

“Yeah. Dr. Minhwan, can I ask you a question?”

He looks at me, his face serious, and his eyes radiating a subtle expression of worry, doubt, fear, guilt, and melancholy. I give him a quick nod to signal him to proceed.

“Why am I like this?”

“Pardon?”

“Why does everything have to happen to me. I wanna be happy. I really do. But every time I overcome an obstacle, something bigger gets in the way and eventually I find myself back at square one. Why? Why me?”

I get up from my seat and head over to Hongki. Kneeling down, I take his hand and start to gently rub it, much like how a mother does to her child when reassuring them of something.

“It’s not only you. Everyone has their own problems and their own way of dealing with it. It’s true that some people might have more problems than others, but that’s not important because you’re problems aren’t the real issue. The real task is how you take on and solve through those problems.”

And just like a little boy with his mother, he looks at me with great concentration, as if I had all the answers to his problems.

“Just remember Hongki, you don’t have to do it all alone. We're not perfect so it’s okay to ask for help. It’s okay to share that burden with someone. In fact, i think sharing the burden with someone is what makes life what it is. If you try to take it on all alone, you'll only end up hurting yourself. Share the burden Hongki. There are people here waiting for you. All you have to is ask.”

"Do you really think so? Do you really think that there are people waiting? Even for people like me?"

"Of course. Everyone deserves a chance to be with someone - to share that burden with someone other than their own and eventually, the sharing of burdens is what develops into a bond Hongki."

At the mention of the word ‘someone’ Hongki’s expression quickly contorted to that of one in extreme pain as he quickly turned his head away from mine and into the darkness and with a shaking voice, he quietly stated in a hushed tone –

“But I don’t have a someone and I don’t deserve to have a someone.”

He stared off into the darkness for a moment and then brought his knees up into the seat and hugged them, lowering his head into the crevice - and in an almost inaudible voice, I heard him mutter -

"At least not for trash like me."

He remains that way, with most of his head buried into his knees, obscured by the darkness. However, within that darkness, i saw a sliver of light emerge from his eyes as it made its way onto his face. 

“Hongki?”

No response.

“Hongki? Are you okay?”

He answers me shakily, as if he were trying his very best to hold back his tears.

“Y-Yes.”

Tears began to stream down his face. Without looking at me he continued -

“Thank you Dr. Minhwan for talking with me today. I-I’m a little tired now so can you leave?”

I look at him as he continued to stay in that position. Worried, I asked him –

“Do you need any help getting back into bed?”

“N-No. I’m fine.”

I took one last look at him before I left. As I made my way out, I wrote down my number on a piece of paper and left it by his bedside drawer and made one last remark.

“If you need anything don’t be afraid to call me. I left my number on your bedside drawer.”

He gave no response and I exited the room.

Seunghyun’s POV

I looked at the time. It’s 9:10. Minhwan should still be talking to Hongki right now. Ahhhhhh, I really hope he’s okay. I look at Jaejin. It’s been an hour since he’s fallen asleep. His eyes were still a bit swollen from the crying. He really must be taking it hard on himself. –Sigh- I don’t know what to do. Feeling lost, I looked up at the ceiling and quietly asked –

“Jonghun hyung what would you do?”

Silence.

Buuuuuuuuuzzzzzzzzzz.

Who would be texting me at this time? I checked my phone The text message was from Minhwan.

Hyung,

Can we meet sometime this week. It's about Hongki.

Minhwan

A/N: Ahhh I'm sorry if the story's starting to drag. Just wanted to try and write something "un-angsty" for a change but i guess it really isn't my style. Anyways thank you for your continued support! You guys make my day!