It was one of the days when I visit her in the hospital after the accident. I always did it, ever since the accident. I know it very well that I am no longer welcomed in their family. But I wanted to be with her. I wanted to..

SLAP!

“Are you satisfied now Krys? ARE YOU?!”

I could only look down, with tears slowly fell from my eyes. Perhaps, feeling guilty over what happened to someone who is now lying motionless in one of this hospital ward, that dork..

“Until how much more you want her to be devastated over you?!”

I remained silent

“How could you do this to her Krys? If you didn’t feel the same way, you could have say no, you could have let her go entirely soon after you broke up with her, you could have pushed her away whenever she tried to reach you back!”

I really didn’t know what to do or to say.

“She loves you very much.. Its all my fault, if only I knew that you were just going to hurt her like this, I will never let my cousin try to approached you!”

It hit me, it hit me hard, Sulli’s word, I finally could no longer hold back the tears that I’ve been holding, I couldn’t stop it.

Why?

Perhaps.. Guilt?

--

It was another day when I visited her, in the hospital after the accident

I brought her flowers. I didn’t know what else to bring, so I went to the florist, pick the most beautiful bouquet of flower with a hope that it will be putted inside her ward, and when she woke up, she’ll know that I did visit her.

“TAKE IT WITH YOU!”

 “Jackie!”

“We don’t need your sympathy! I don’t want to see you ever again, WE don’t want to see you EVER again, SHE, NEVER want to see you ever again!”

“Jackie, its enough! Accompany your mom inside”

Without saying any other word, but obviously mad, she complied.

I picked it up, the flower bouquet that supposed to be for Amber, from the floor after her sister, Jackie, threw it back to me.

“You should leave Krystal. Your presence here makes it even more uncomfortable for us”

I fell silent for a moment. The words that came from Mr. Liu, even though it said with soft tone and seems to be said carefully not to hurt my feelings, eventually it does.

“I apologize for what Jackie did to you ever since..” he paused for a moment, with sadness clearly visible on his face “The accident, that happened to Amber, but I also can’t do anything”

“Amber is her only sister, they were always together.. She really, loves her..” he smiled sadly “We all do.. And to see her, who always full of spirit, lying motionless like this.. It really breaks our heart”

It breaks our heart..

Hearing those words made me couldn’t do anything but stood still, unconsciously clutching hard the bouquet of flower I bought for Amber.

Jackie, Amber’s older sister, who used to treat me like her other little sister now treated me as if I was a murderer, attempted to try to kill Amber.

Am I?

 “We appreciate your concern, as well as your guilt for what happened to Amber now..” 

Guilt..

 “But it might be better, if you don’t come here to visit her again, because it also would not give any changes on her current condition, in fact, it might give her a burden if she could feel Jackie’s anger over you”

Again I remained silent

“And also, you got someone who should have been more appropriate for you to give your attention to, than Amber.. I hope you understand, goodbye Krystal” with those word, he left me alone in front of her ward, feeling.. I’m not sure..

Every time I listened to their words about me, hurting Amber, I felt uncomfortable. Like there’s something heavy pressed my chest that makes me hard to breathe. It feels like I wanted to scream out loud that I never meant to do any of those things that made her like that. My eyes are burning from tears that slowly formed and ready to fell anytime. I lost count on how many times I shed tears after the accident happened, I just feel like I wanted to cry the whole time, even when I already ran out of tears.

Perhaps..

Guilt?

--

It was another day, after the accident, but I wasn’t on my way to visit her.

 “Hey, are you okay?”

“I’m fine, don’t worry about me” I am fine..

“Are you sure? Because if you’re not feeling well, we could just..”

“No, its okay oppa, beside it has a been awhile since our last date right?” I had him to give more of my attention

“You really sure?” But somehow..

“Weee! Dates!!!” her again.. “Yes..” Somehow..

“Okay”

It didn’t feel right..

--

That day, we went to spend our day together, like every couple did.

Its supposed to be our date.

So its supposed to made me feel happy.

But I didn’t feel happy..

I remember Mr. Liu’s words resounded on my head many times that day

 “We appreciate your concern, as well as your guilt for what happened to her now..” 

Guilt..

“Here you go princess, chocolate mint ice cream just the way you wanted it” Minho..

“By the way, i thought you only like fruit flavors ice cream, because that’s what you always ordered whenever we go to ice cream parlor, but I guess you need something new?”

Chocolate mint..

“Chocolate mint ice cream!!!”

“Hemph.. Dork..”

“I am?”

“W..What?”

“You said im a dork? Wow, that’s new, people used to call me, handsome, or charming, or cute, but dork?” Minho..

“Kidding, but I guess I’ll fine with it, it comes from my girlfriend after all, and im glad she smiled because of my ‘dorky-ness’ ”

--

Flashback

This is wrong

Something is wrong

It’s a great date, and im with my boyfriend

He tried his best to make me happy

But why am I not happy?

“Krys?”

 “Happy birthday Soojungie! See, I always remember your birthday, but you always forgot about mine, don’t you love me?”

“Stupid llama, did I told you to remember mine?” I always treat her as I please

“Well no, but what’s wrong to remember yours? Who knows someday you’ll finally realized how important I am to you and remembered all the details about me, started with when is my birth date” but she always gave me that stupid grin, I hate that stupid grin..

I miss that stupid grin..

“Wait, its her birthday today”

“Hem?”

“Oppa, could you pull over?”

“Pull over, why? We haven’t reached your neighborhood yet”

“I got to go to the hospital”

“Hospital?”

“Yes, I mean, I know no one likes me to be there, but I want to be there, at least for today, its her birthday, after today, I promise I won’t come to see her anymore, I’ll go far away from her, I won’t disturb her anymore, i..” why is it so hurt to let you go? Is this how guilt really feels like?

“I’ll take you there”

But..

“She’s gone”

“What do you mean?” no please no..

“Listen Key, if you want to start an argument, this is not the right time”

“Oh shut up Minho, don’t think about yourself too high okay?”

“Oppa! Please, tell me where she is?”

“I don’t see the point why you need to know about her whereabouts Krys, I mean, don’t you have dates with your boyfriend and have that lovey dovey couple things to do?”

“God damned Key! Just tell her!”.

“Chill! First thing, congratulation she’s not dead, in fact, she woke up from her comatose state yesterday, which means, a second congratulations to Ms. Jung here, because you don’t have to feel guilty anymore, why? She doesn’t even remember why she’s here in South Korea” he looked at me.

 “And third, starting from today, she’s back being US citizen. So there goes the third and last congratulation, to finally get rid of her completely, out of your life Krys. And thanks from me personally, I just completely lost my best friend, because of you two” with anger, hatred and sadness..

End of Flashback

After that, I couldn’t remember what happened , they said Minho and Key oppa had a little fight, before he left. I tried to find him after that day, to asked about Amber, but I never saw Key oppa ever since.

And here I am, 5 years from that day, still feeling, guilty..

“Soojungie!”

---

so here we go, chapter 1, pardon for any grammar errors, i'll edit it again soon ^___^

ps: you may ask for any confusion, and pardon for my rusty writing skill, its been awhile :D