'Smile for the camera, son!'

It was the 11 year old Suho's first day of high school. He beamed in his uniform as his neatly packed backpack was mounted on his shoulders. His shoes were gleaming and his angelic smile captured just how happy he was. He had worked hard to get this scholarship. It meant that his parents wouldn't need to pay for uniform or books or tuition fee. He was able to go to a very expensive and prestigious school- one that his parents would never have been able to afford on their own. 

Always a bright kid, Suho had excelled in prep school. As a child, he'd be top of his class and always the teachers' favorite. He studied long and hard, always aiming for better, always striving for the best of his ability and now it had paid off. He was going to be among the cleverest students his age and he was going to study well and make a good living out of himself. He was set to be a well educated man with a similarly well educated wife and very clever and charming children. Suho knew what he wanted- or rather what his parents wanted.

'I'm so proud of my baby boy!' his mom would say to her girlfriends, 'he's such a clever spark. I've always known he'd have it in him!'

'Your son is really something!' his father's colleagues would tell him, 'I wish my boy could be more like yours. He's so hardworking. I'm sure he'll go far in life.'

His parents would beam with pride as that was all they had. Family income was low and limited which was why the scholarship meant so much. All Suho had to do was keep it. 

The first week of school was trecherous. As a first year, Suho was the youngest in the school and he felt like a small fish in a big pond. His seniors or sunbaes would jostle through the corridors with their textbooks in their hands, rushing to their next lessons like their lives depended on it. Looking back at them, Suho realised that well, their lives really did depend on those lessons. They had been brought up to think that good grades in life were all that mattered. Nothing else seemed important to them. 

Once, when he was signing up for the Tuesday lunchtime book club in the Library, he overheard his seniors talking about their friend.

'Yeah, it's quite sad, isn't it?'

'I heard his girlfriend is completely floored'

'How did he do it again? Remind me.'

'Jumped.'

'Ah... Yeah, well it's sad I suppose'

'Guess he couldn't hack it.'

'Yeah.'

After that encounter with his sunbaes, Suho soon realised what sort of environment he was in. It didn't matter if you were friendly. It didn't matter if you were nice. It didn't matter if you had 8 eyes and a third . All that mattered was 'are you clever?'. And slowly but surely, Suho began to believe he wasn't.

Feeling out of depth and not up to parr with his classmates, Suho began a vigorous revision timetable working late into the night and starting early in the morning. A boy at the age of 11 is yet to go through puberty but Suho didn't care that he was ruining his health. All he saw were the gold stars and the A's on his reports. To him, they were his crack. They were the drug he needed. But even if he didn't need those A's for his own self confidence, he needed them for something else. 

Rule 1. To keep scholarships, students must retain their position in the first 3 of every class they are in. Failure to do so will result in being taken off scholarship roll starting the following term.

The daily schedule of homework, lessons, homework then extra work continued on like a revolving door, going round and around and around. 

'Honey, have you done your work for today?' his mom would ask him every night when he returned at 9pm.

'Yes, mom.'

'Good for you, Suho. Come and have some dinner. It's steak tonight, your favorite' his dad would say.

'Steak? Is it a special day?'

Suho knew his family couldn't afford steak on a regular basis. His parents' jobs weren't exactly well paid. If they didn't have Suho's scholarship to rely on, he would surely be living in a cardboard box on the street. 

'Suho, you can't say you haven't realised! Your voice broke! You're becoming a man now!' his mom cried, throwing her arms around him. 

'Mom...'

Suho's dad would laugh as he cut up his son's steak. 'It's a good day today. Soon you'll have a university degree and a pretty wife and a well paid job. You'll be living the good life.'

'Sounds like a dream, doesn't it honey?' 

'A wonderful dream. Now all we need is for our Suho to grow a little. Don't worry, my little man. Your height will come soon. You're going to grow into a very handsome lad.'

He never did.

Suho's growth was stunted. 3 years of overworking had severely damaged his health. Now aged 14, he was pale as his skin had never seen the sun. Lunchtimes were spent with teachers or in the Library, working away, slaving away, wasting away. His friends started to find an interest in girls, something that had never really crossed Suho's mind before. He went to a single school so he had never had any female contact before. He gave it a try one day, skipping extra maths to hang with his friends and their friends from a nearby all girls school. He was starting to go astray and his grades began to suffer.

'What's going on? Why are you in 3rd place in History?' his mom asked, waving his bi-termly report in her hand.

'Mom, it's fine.'

'But you're always first! What happens if someone beats you and you come fourth? You'll lose the scholarship!'

'I know mom.'

'Suho darling, we really need that scholarship-'

'I know mom!'

Suho began to cry. A confused 14 year old boy was crying in front of his mother because he was confused. His sudden taste of life gave him fun and a sort of happiness but it also took away some of Suho's happiness. Suho was now 3rd in class for History. That would not do. He would hold onto the scholarship if it killed him. 

A month later, he was admitted into hospital. A teacher drove him after he collapsed in class. He had been restless and his behaviour was eratic. He had a constant fidget and twitch going on and it looked like his body was starting to eat away at itself. His eyes were sunken and Suho was given his first ever drip aged 14 and 8 months. 

His next drip came aged 14 and 10 months. He had fainted during a test at school. 

'Suho-ssi, don't overwork yourself' his teachers told him.

'Suho, you're already so clever!' his friends would say

But it wasn't enough for him. 

He needed to have his scholarship safe. He craved the security the scholarship gave. He had heart palpitations every time his report arrived. Beads of sweat would run down his forehead and he would shake from nerves but he never changed.

The librarian knew him from the way he walked. She could tell him from a mile away, simply listening to his footsteps. The Library was his retreat- his place of Zen. He could go there and study in peace, his mind only focused on getting those A's and beating everybody. He would take out huge books that his small frame was unable to carry. He read essays written by university professors, doing absolutely anything he could to broaden his horizon and widen his knowledge. If brains could burst from too much information, Suho's would have surely burst many times a long time ago. 

After his 6th time fainting in the school library, Suho was asked to be seen by a specialist psychologist and doctor. 

'Suho-ssi, how tall are you?'

'173cm.'

'Where are you in comparison with your friends?'

'I don't have any friends.'

'Pardon?'

'I don't have any friends.'

'B-But... Your mom says you're very popular?'

'I used to have friends... When I was 14.'

'Would you like to tell me what happened?'

'I began studying.'

'Studying stopped you having friends?'

'Studying stopped me from living.'

Deeply disturbed by Suho's thoughts, the doctor thought it best to monitor him. 

And monitor Suho, he did. 

The outcome?

Hospitalisation. 

Suho cried in his bed for the first few days of his admission to the ward. First he was brought in for psychological issues but he was then moved to the ward for exhaustion. His parents came to visit him, his mom in floods of tears and barely keeping herself together. She never saw her son in the run up to his admission. He left the house before his parents woke up and he arrived home when they were asleep. On some days, he was so captivated by his studying and stressed about his tests that he'd forget to eat. Unfortunately, those days became more frequent than the days he actually did eat dinner. 

'My darling boy, why would you put yourself through all of this?!' his mom wailed

His father had to hug his wife. It broke his heart seeing her and his son looking so vulnerable. 

'I did it to be clever.' Suho whispered

He heard his mom's sharp intake of breath as her vision of her perfect son shattered. 

'W-What did you just say...? Junmyeon-ah?'

Suho began to cry as his mom called him by his real name. 

'I just wanted to keep the scholarship, that's all, mom. I'm so sorry. I've missed the last test because I'm here. It was an hour ago and now I won't have the scholarship and we'll have to pay for my school now and-'

'Junmyeon, don't worry about the money.' his father said, 'just rest and clear your head. We'll be back in the morning.'

Suho wiped his eyes with his arm, forgetting about the drip inserted in it. He winced in pain and glared at it, wanting to yank it out and run back to school. 

'Son. Just sleep. Catch up on those lost hours.' his mom told him just as she was about to leave the ward. 

But Suho knew he'd never gain those hours back again. 

The boy in the bed opposite him had a black eye. He was handsome and was in a sleeping state. He had been brought in the day after Suho and had a curtain around his bed to shield him from any wandering eyes. Eventually Suho plucked up the courage to ask the nurse who the mysterious boy was. He was told his name: 'Lay' and nothing more. According to his nurse, Lay only had two visitors and he hadn't woken up since he had come in. She described him as deeply scarred but Suho never thought to ask what she meant by this. 

That evening, Lay had 3 visitors. 2 of them were the boys Suho had come to recognise. One was extremely tall and Suho envied his height. The other smiled a lot at the nurses and the other young female patients always gossiped amongst each other about him being th cutest boy they had ever seen. The tall boy decided to get some coffees as the cute boy sat down on the chair beside Lay. A man came in with the tall boy and catching Suho's eye, gave him a quick smile. 

Suho frowned and took out his textbook, turning to the next topic his class hadn't covered yet in hopes that the strange man would stop staring. 

No such luck as it were however. 

After the nurses were finished battling Suho for his textbook (they had been told not to let him study under any circumstances), the man approached Suho with a friendly but gentle handshake. He shook the arm that had Suho's drip in and he took care and was cautious not to hurt the boy. The doctor then came in, just as Suho was wondering why the stranger was still standing by him. 

'Suho-ssi, I want you to meet someone.'

Suho quickly his hands under the covers. The doctor narrowed her eyes and saw the ink pen on Suho's bedside counter. She tutted and picked it up, putting it on the nurses desk. The nurse looked surprised to see it and apologised, bowing over and over again to her senior for making such a careless mistake.

'Suho, look at me please'

Suho raised his head as Mr Park raised his eyebrows.

'Show me your hands. Now.'

He shook his head, trying to bury his hands further under the blanket even though the drip was severely restricting. 

'Suho.'

Sighing, he brought out his hands. Mr Park gasped in amazement. Suho's hands were covered in equations, dates and notes of things he deperately wanted to remember. He had jotted down a time schedule on his left palm and scribbled in rather wobbly writing on his right palm were Biology topics he wanted to learn. 

'I see what you mean.' Mr Park said simply as he sat down on Suho's bed, 'My dear boy, you've been through a lot, haven't you?'

The next morning, when his parents came to visit, Suho was sweating with nerves. His mother seemed a little off and his father appeared to only just be keeping it together. 

'We got a call from the school' said the doctor to them, 'they want Suho removed at once.'

Suho's mom nodded solemnly. 'We know.'

'Mom, Dad. I'm sorry.' Suho said quietly.

His hands were red and raw from rubbing the ink off. His mom cupped her son's face with her hands. 

'Don't worry, dear. We're going to fight for your place.'

'That won't be necessary, Mrs Kim' the doctor said, 'a proposition has been made.'

'A proposition?' Suho's father was intrigued to know more.

'There is a man known by his acquaintances as Mr Park. He runs a school and he has offered Suho a place, free of charge. He'll look after Suho, pay for his accomodities and resources. All Suho has to do is set a good example to other children.'

'That won't be a problem at all. Our Suho is the best student around!' said Suho's dad with pride.

'But... What about the school? Suho's worked so hard to stay there-' his mom began to argue

'And look where it got him. Our son hasn't grown properly. He hasn't slept properly or eaten properly in years. Just look at what we've done to him.'

Suho's mom slowly turned towards her son. Her eyes filled with tears when she saw he was crying too.

'Mom... I'm really unhappy.'

'Junmyeon...'

'I've never felt good enough at school. Even when I was top, I couldn't enjoy myself. Can I really go on like this?'

'If... If I asked you to carry on at school the way you are now, what would you do?' his mom asked

Suho thought about it for a bit and when he stopped crying, he stared at his mother long and hard before answering. He remembered the incident in the library overhearing his sunbaes talk about their friend that couldn't handle the pressure. Taking a deep breath, Suho answered his mother's question with all the truth in the world.

'I'd jump.'

A few hours later, Suho was in a car with Lay. Lay's eyes were red and swollen and it seemed like he had been crying but Suho didn't know how to interact with him. Being without friends and alone for the past few years had damaged his social capabilities. However, with his parents' blessing, he was now on his way to an average-grade school. He didn't have to worry about everyone being clever and judging him. It was mixed- so he didn't have to worry about trying to find girls to interact with. He was going to start afresh. 

Of course, old habits die hard. The first few days were spent in the libaray frantically trying to catch up what he had missed. No amount of 100%s on tests could kick Suho out of that habit at first and it wasn't until the tall boy who turned out to be a nice boy called Kris managed to coax him out. 

'Hyung, I look up to you.' Kris said simply, 'You're clever already. Believe in yourself a little and don't overstudy.' 

It took time for Suho to stop going to the library everyday. Even if he wasn't working, his feet led him to the public library. He stopped reading university papers and thick heavyback books. He fattened up a little to the point where he could be considered healthy. He stopped seeing his psychologist and althought he was still top of his class, his stress levels had subsided. 

But most importantly, Suho smiled that angelic smile again- the one that captured just how happy he was.

apologies to anyone that thought there was a new update but after reading the comments I've recieved, I want to do something to help everyone here. 

Please read this blog post and vote.

All I want to do is help.