Sleep poison. I had to take sleep poison every single night. My doctor said it was supposed to help me sleep better, but I never woke up feeling rested. Before I had been prescribed the poisons I hadn’t always been able to sleep, but whenever I did I always slept well. After the poisons I slept every night, but it wasn’t a good sleep. Nothing I did was natural though, it was something I needed to accept.

Unless Yongguk woke me up I never got up before he left for work. I did before the poisons, but he said it was a struggle to wake me up on the days I got to go to work with him. He put my pills on the counter every morning – organised in small jars with times on them so I took them properly – before he left and always wrote me a love note.

I sat in the living room of our apartment every morning and read the note. Himchannie. You asked me yesterday if I remembered our first date because you wanted to remember a time that we were happy. I’m still happy. I have you and that’s all I need to be happy. I know things are hard right now, and if there was anything I could do to take this disease away from you I would, but I promise that things will be good again soon. We’re going to get this under control together. You are the most beautiful man in the entire world and you don’t deserve to suffer this way. I love you and I’m going to be here for you. I left your drum in the living room and I took off the timer on the internet. I know you feel like everything has been taken from you and I’m sorry I made that worse. It isn’t fair that I make you sit at home with nothing to do all day. I’m going to be better about that. Please have a good day, try to enjoy yourself a little. I’ll bring home dinner when I get off of work. I love you.

This note made me happier than I had been in a few days. I felt important. My old drum was sitting next to the couch, just like Yongguk had said, and there was a surge of excitement that rushed through my body. I couldn’t remember the last time I had felt that. It was almost like being alive.

I hadn’t played in over a year but I fell in to it naturally. I was able to start playing again immediately with barely any struggle. I had to get use to holding the sticks again and dropped them a few times but had no trouble playing otherwise.

I heard the front door open but ignored it because I assumed it was just Yongguk. He forgot things most days. “You’re still better than me at this.” My friend’s voice suddenly filled the air. I didn’t remember giving him a key but I assumed I must have because there was no way Yongguk left the door unlocked. “You haven’t played in thirty-two months and you’re still better than me. How is that possible Kim Himchan?”

I looked up and smiled at my shorter friend. He had changed his hair since I had last seen him. I wasn’t sure if I liked the long brown hair, but I didn’t say anything. It looked decent enough pulled back. “How do you know I haven’t played in that long Hyunki? I could have started playing again months ago.”

“I saw the note on the counter. Yongguk took your drum away. That’s cruel.”

“He’s just trying to help me. My doctor keeps lying to him.” I pulled myself up off of the ground so I could be at eyelevel with my friend. “This is all new to him too. He’s doing his best.” I knew that even if sometimes I acted out. I knew Yongguk was trying to do what was right, sometimes I didn’t agree with him though.

He hummed, crossing his arms over his chest. “Does he still give you the poison?”

“It’s not really poison… I just thought it was… Yongguk wouldn’t give me poison.” I had just been put on new medication the last time I had seen Hyunki. I didn’t remember much about the visit but I was sure I in a bad place. I was always in a bad place when I got my medication changed. “He’s trying to help.”

He smiled softly at me like he use to back in university. Back before I was crazy. He was the only one of my school mates that knew what had happened to me, but that was only because he was my best friend. “So the medicine is working?”

“On the days that I take it for the most part.”

“You were in a bad state before I left for Japan. I was worried about leaving you.” He reached out and ran his fingers through my hair. “It seems as though Yongguk has taken care of you well though. You look healthier.”

Hyunki stayed for several hours but had to leave before Yongguk got home. Fortunately I didn’t have to spend too much time alone because Yongguk got home earlier than I had expected. He still had his jacket on when he bent down by my side and pulled me into his arms. “Hi Himchannie.” He pressed our lips together. “I missed you. How was your day?”

I nuzzled into his chest, wrapping my arms around him to pull him down. He got into a seated position and I crawled into his lap. “I missed you too.” I made myself comfortable in his lap, taking great pleasure and the soft groans slipping from my boyfriend’s lip. I rarely heard those anymore. “Hyunki came over, so today was nice, but there’s something I’ve been thinking about all day.” I whispered, leaning up just enough to kiss his jaw.

“And what is that?” His hand slid up under my shirt slightly. I was sure that meant he knew what I was thinking about.

I on his jaw lightly. “You know exactly what it is.” I took his shock as an opportunity to rotate in his lap so I could straddle him. “It’s been too long Guk…”

He tightened his grip on me and I felt hardening in his jeans. He wanted it too. “We can’t Channie. You know that…”

“Just think about it Guk… I could pull our jeans off right here and ride you. We don’t have to go anywhere…” I ground my hips into his and even harder on his jaw. I was positive that I could get him to give into my advances. “I know you want it…”

“We can’t Himchan.” He sounded like he really didn’t want me. I didn’t understand but he’d made it apparent that he didn’t want .

I released him and slid off of his lap. “Yeah… sorry…” I bit my lip before standing up and running into our bedroom. I was tired of him turning me down. He always turned me down.

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this is late because i had a very stressful night and then went out for lunch. so here's this now. himchan's school friend came to see him and yongguk wouldn't dirty touch him. that's yes. i'm going to update and then continue spraying bug stuff all over. so leave me nice comments maybe? <3