The voices kept getting louder. I had been off of the poisons for a week and the screaming inside of my head was worse than it had been before I had been officially diagnosed. I couldn’t pay attention to anything. I tried to clip the newspaper for Jaehwa but it made me sick. Fortunately I was able to hide it but I was back to throwing up because the voices in my head were making me dizzy. I did everything in my power to keep Yongguk from seeing that something was wrong.

I just wanted everything to be quiet again. I missed being able to have my own thoughts. It was the most amazing feeling in the entire world, but it was something that people took for granted. I had thought that going off the poisons would make me me again but I was even less me than I had been when I was drugged. “What are you doing Channie?” Yongguk sat next to me and his voice only made me dizzier. He played with the corner of the blanket we were sitting on, looking at it curiously but he didn’t say anything about it.

I held up the newspaper clippings. “I’m making the newspaper smaller.” It wasn’t exactly a lie. That was what I was doing, he didn’t need to know why I was making the newspaper smaller. I was protecting him by not letting him know.

He tried to take the clippings from me but I moved them to the other side of the blanket. “Are you clipping coupons Channie?” He asked and I instantly felt offended. I was doing something important! My work was far more important than clipping coupons! We didn’t even use those. Things we needed were rarely on sale.

“I’m cutting out articles.” I mumbled, putting another article down on my stack. I moved away from him, highly insulted that he thought I would do something as menial as coupon clipping. I wasn’t going to start extreme couponing or whatever that garbage TV show I had watched earlier had called it. Of course that show had been better than the e trap about toddler pageants; this was irrelevant though! Either way I was not a couponer.

I smacked at his hand when he tried to grab me. I was busy. I didn’t appreciate his accusations either. “Can I read them Baby?” He tried to grab them again but I moved them even further away. “Please?”

I had picked them up and was handing them to him when there was a knock on the door. Yongguk’s boss came in and told him that he had work to do. Yongguk pressed our lips together – apparently not caring that his boss was staring at us – and then followed after the older male. I didn’t like being alone but at least I could cut the newspaper in peace this way.

I was making good progress when the mattress sank down next to me. I turned to look and was more than dismayed to find that it was the mean detective. “I brought you a gift Channie.” He smiled and pulled a bottle of soju from behind his back. “I got you alcohol. This will make you feel better, won’t it?”

I bit my lip and looked at it. I had drunk alcohol before I had been diagnosed and that had made the voices go away. Surely it would work again. I nodded my head and tried to reach out for it. He pulled it back and I nearly fell over. I was so dizzy. “Please let me have it?”  I reached for it again, stretching across his lap so I could put both hands on the bottle.

He chuckled and released the bottle. I sat back up and pulled the green container to my chest. It was mine now. “Do you need a cup Channie?” He asked and I shook my head in response. “Well, have a good time.” He patted my head and got up to walk out of the room. “Don’t tell your lover where you got it or we’ll both get in trouble, you don’t want that do you? He’d be so mad at you.” I whimpered softly. I didn’t want Yongguk to be mad at me. “He’d probably leave you if you told him. So just drink up and pass out before he catches you.” 

I stared at him until he turned and left the room. I should have thought about it more but I opened the bottle and started drinking straight out of it the second the door was closed. I didn’t like the taste of soju but I ignored that and drank as much as I possibly could at one time. I hadn’t had any alcohol in over four years but I remembered that it had once made the voices stop. It had made me feel better. I think.

I drank until I felt sufficiently warm and happy before putting the bottle down on the floor. My head was swimming but it was silent. There was nothing better in the world than when my head was silent. I was happy. At least it was what I remembered happiness feeling like.

I waited for Yongguk for a little while longer but it was taking too long for him to come back. I figured it would be best if I went to look for him. I rolled off of my mattress, knocking the bottle of soju over in the process. It was a lot harder to stand up than I remembered it having been before but after using the wall to give me my balance back. I was dizzy and uncoordinated and that was okay because I was really warm inside.

“I found him puking in the water fountain Sir.” The nice detective from the hospital put me down on the bed and I didn’t remember how I had even ended up in his arms. I remembered wanting water and then somehow I was back in Yongguk’s office. “He said he wanted you and he wanted water. What should I do with him?”

I reached out and tried to grab the detective’s phone – at least I assumed it was a phone because he kept humming and saying ‘yes, Sir’ but Yongguk wasn’t talking – but I was unsuccessful. “Okay, I’ll stay with him until you get back. He’ll probably pass out. I put him on his side just in case he vomits again.”

I must have dozed off because the next thing I knew Yongguk was in the room and I was being scooped into his arms. I let my body go limp and he tightened his grip on me. “You’re drunk, Himchannie.”

“Not.” I mumbled once he had put my head on his shoulder. “Alcohol is bad. Bad, bad alcohol…”

He sighed and his fingers brushed through my hair. “Baby, I know what you’re like when you’re drunk.” I whined softly and his grip tightened on my waist even more. “I remember what happened before…”

“Was no before…”

“There was a before. I know you remember it too…” I shook my head and he sighed. There was no before to remember. There was no reason for us to talk about something that didn’t happen. “I know how you were…” He kissed my forehead as though it would somehow make the situation better. “You promised not to drink anymore.”

I nuzzled closer to him. I didn’t want him to be angry with me. I didn’t want to talk about what he wanted to talk about and I didn’t want him to be angry with me. “That was a long time ago…”

“It was four years ago Himchannie.” His fingers played with my hair and the hand on my waist slipped up under my shirt. “You almost went to rehab…”

“That was different…” I moved so I could hide my face in his chest. It muffled my words but I was too humiliated to care. Apparently I hadn’t drunk enough to be able to handle talking about my past problems. “It made my brain quiet… nothing else did. I didn’t know what was wrong and I was scared and I didn’t want you to know that I was broken because I didn’t want you to leave…”

“Why would I have left Channie?”

“There’s plenty of pretty ladies in the world that don’t have voices in their heads Yongguk…” I was sure he knew this already. He wasn’t blind. “Plenty of them wanted you in university too. You remember how they use to show up at our apartment all dolled up because you had a project to work on or ‘they were in the neighbourhood’ or they just wanted you to know that you were really handsome but you didn’t seem to notice them so they came to ask you on a date.”

Yongguk sighed again and his gripped tightened even more. “I never looked at any of them either. You know that Channie.”

_______

I'm finally not drowning! So here's an update because it's been nearly a month and I'm sorry. I hope you enjoyed the chapter. Himchan is still off of his medication and he drank alcohols. Yongguk also said that Himchan use to have a drinking problem and that he doesn't anymore.