After Yongguk found out that I was drinking again he stopped talking to me. He didn’t wake me up to go to work with him and he barely paid attention to me when he came home from work. It was obvious he was angry with me but he didn’t understand what I was going through. I needed something to make my head be quiet

The alcohol didn’t help as much as I remembered though. It made my head quiet but it also made me sad. I would start crying at the drop of a hat and then it would be over the same way it started. There was no sense or reason to any of my emotions. Everything hurt. I felt worse than I had when I was on the poisons. I just wanted to be happy.

I thought it would make things better. I heard that it would make my brain and heart stop hurting. I tried it. I sat down in the bed Yongguk and I shared and dragged a blade across the flesh on my arms. I watched as my pale flesh was covered in red blood. I waited. I stared and I waited and it didn’t make anything feel better. I made a mess and I didn’t make anything better.

I stared down at my arms, taking in the bloody mess I had created and the desire to cry was suddenly overwhelming again. Tears started pouring down my face and dripping down to mix with the mess on my arms and sheets. Yongguk was going to be so angry with me. I knew it. He was going to hate me for making a mess on the bed. Or even worse he would just ignore me all together. That would be the worst thing he could do. I didn’t want him to ignore me. I wanted him to make me better.

I stayed still, crying silently on the bed, until I heard Yongguk come home. I tried to cover my arms but the skin tore open again when I moved them and they started bleeding again. More blood poured down my arms, covering what had remained unstained the first time they had bled. It didn’t make anything better. I didn’t understand why it didn’t make it better. People did it all the time. I let out a loud sob at the thought that I was too defective for even this to work. It had been my last hope at ever feeling human again.

The stinging in my arms only served as a reminder that I was too inhuman to ever feel better again. Yongguk called out for me. I heard him putting his things away, calling out to me every once in a while. I didn’t understand why he suddenly cared to speak to me. He should have still been angry with me for drinking. I just wanted to be better.

Yongguk came into the bedroom and started going on about something that had happened at work before he looked at me. I was almost convinced that he was choosing to ignore how gory our bed looked. He changed clothes quickly, not saying anything about the soft sobs that slipped out of my lips.

He continued chatting until he sat down on the bed next to me. He took one glance at me and he went silent. He grabbed one of my arms and I released another sob when I felt the skin split even further apart. I didn’t know how anyone thought this made them better. It hurt.  “H-Himch-channie?” He sounded terrified. I didn’t know why he sounded so scared. “Wh-what did you do?”

I pulled my arm away from him and curled up into myself. Tears continued pouring down my cheeks and I scooted away from him when he tried to wipe them away. “It hurts Gukkie…” I whimpered before releasing another sob. I didn’t want to hurt. I wanted Yongguk to make me better. I wanted him to fix me. I needed him to fix me.

He got out of the bed and I was fairly certain it was the closest thing I had ever felt to getting my heart completely decimated. I was sitting in the bed bleeding and sobbing and he abandoned me. He left me. I watched him walk out of the room and burst into complete hysterics. He was supposed to love me. I hadn’t meant to push him away.

I didn’t notice that he was back until I felt the bed dip down. He took one of my arms into his lap and he poured hydrogen peroxide on my arm. I clinched my jaw in an attempt to not scream out as he used a towel to gently clean the blood off of my arm. He wrapped the cleaned arm with some sort of gauze wrapping, not looking at me once. He made quick work of repeating his motions with the other arm and then pulled me into his lap. He didn’t seem to notice that we were sitting in my blood.

His arms wrapped around my waist and he held onto me like he would never let me go. I knew that wasn’t the case though. I had finally pushed him over the edge. He didn’t want me anymore, he would have gone right on ignoring me if I hadn’t hurt myself. I was so pathetic. I didn’t deserve his attentions. “Why would you do this Channie?” He glanced down at my now white arms.

“I hurt…” I whimpered, putting in a small effort into getting away from him. I didn’t want him to be forced to pay attention to me. “I’m sad all the time and it hurts…” I couldn’t look at him so I stared at a shirt on the floor. “My head is so loud when I don’t drink and it makes me want to puke and when I drink I’m sad. You’re mad at me and you’re ignoring me. Usually you fix me when I’m broken but this time I’m broken alone… I don’t want to be broken alone… I want to be fixed Gukkie…”

He tightened his grip on me and I hid my face in his shoulder. I didn’t want him to see that I couldn’t stop crying. I sobbed into his shirt and he held onto me until I managed to calm myself down again. I wanted him to make me better but he wasn’t doing anything. He had given up on me too.

I let him hold me, and his hand brushed through my hair. He seemed more content when I had exhausted myself. “I’m not helping you…” He whispered as he moved into a supine position. I clutched his t-shirt and he was careful to make sure I didn’t fall. “I don’t know how to make you feel better…” Lying on Yongguk normally comforted me but this time it did nothing but make me feel more broken. I couldn’t be fixed. Even Yongguk had figured this out. He was the last person that had faith in me and I had destroyed that. “You aren’t going to like my suggestion, Baby.” He told me and I was fairly certain I knew what he was going to suggest. “I think… I think it’s time for you to make another visit to the hospital.”

“I don’t wanna go…” I whimpered and tightened my hold on his shirt. I hated the hospital. It was always cold, and the nurses were always mean, and Yongguk was always sleeping in a place that wasn’t next to me. I didn’t want to go to the hospital. I would have done anything to stay out of the hospital.

He sighed and pressed his lips against my forehead. “You need help Himchan. I don’t want to send you there, I know you hate it, but you’re breaking Channie. Please go?”

I shook my head. I could only think of the cold, white rooms and women pumping me full of drugs. They treated me like an animal and didn’t care about what I wanted or needed. The locked me up and strapped me down, claiming that I was a danger to myself and others. I wasn’t a risk. I just needed help. I started crying again and he pulled me even closer to his body. I felt his breath of my forehead and it only made me start crying again. If I went to the hospital again then I wouldn’t be able to feel his breath, or smell his body wash, or be held by him for however long it took for the nurses to decide I was better. “I don’t want to leave you.”

“Pl-please Channie…” His voice cracked and when I looked up at him I saw that tears were slipping down his cheeks. “Please get help?”

I clinched my eyes. I didn’t want to see him cry. I didn’t want to go. I hated the situation I had ended up in. I didn’t want any of this. I just wanted to be okay. I needed to be okay but I knew nothing in the world could make that happen. “D-do you pr-promise t-to visit?” I whimpered. He nodded his head and I bit down on his shoulder. “I-I’ll go…” 

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Yay update~so in this chapter himchan tried cutting because he wants to feel better. it didn't work and so he agreed to go back to the mental hospital so they can help him.
comments are appreciated~