For three days prior to my dentist appointment Yongguk was preparing for it as though we were going somewhere incredibly dangerous. He made it seem like I couldn’t handle a simple appointment. I had gone to the dentist before. I wasn’t a child. “Are you ready Channie?” He grabbed his things off of the counter and smiled at me. I wanted to be pissed at him but my emotions wouldn’t let me. “You took your medicines, right?”

“You watched me take them.” I mumbled, wrapping the blankets tighter around my body and giving my boyfriend a defiant look. It lost some of its effect because we both knew I had nothing done nothing rebellious all day. I was complying with everything he asked of me. “They’re just cleaning my teeth Yongguk… I can handle it. I know they’re not going to hurt me.”

“Baby… You know I’m not a communist or a North Korean but sometimes you… sometimes you forget…”

I shot a glare in his direction but he ignored it. There was no reason for him to bring up how I had an unfortunate habit of breaking from reality. I knew it was true, but there was no reason for him to bring it up. He didn’t need to remind me. I was well aware that I was wrong in the head. “Let’s just go.”

“We don’t have to go if you’re nervous Channie. We can always reschedule if you’re worried about it.” He shoved one of his hands in his pocket and shifted from left to right. He liked to tell my therapist that I projected my delusions onto him but he was the only one projecting. “I know you didn’t like the dentist when you were younger and now it’s worse…”

I got up from the couch, brushing past him to get out of the apartment. It was like he wanted me to freak out. He was only making me more determined to go to the appointment though. “I’ll be in the car. Come out when you’re done reminding yourself about how your boyfriend is an invalid. Hopefully you won’t take too long. We have to be there soon.” I walked back to shove him before walking out the front door. I hated that he was acting like I couldn’t do this. I was a grown man. A grown man that was completely capable of going to the dentist.

It only took Yongguk a few minutes to get his act together and join me in the car. He still seemed panicky but at least he wasn’t being so vocal about it. “Do you want to get lunch after we’re done with this?”

“Not really.”

“Is there anything you want to do?”

“Not really.”

He sighed as he put the key in the ignition. Normally I watched him drive, wishing that I could do it as well, but this time I stared out my window. I had never been able to get my driver’s licence. I had wanted to do it when I had turned twenty but my schoolwork had taken precedence. Then when I was finally free enough to actually go get a license my symptoms had shown up to ruin my life. Yongguk hadn’t bothered to get one until I had been diagnosed. He only had one so he could drive me to appointments. I hated public transportation anyway. “What do you want for lunch?”

“Nothing.”

I heard him sigh again but he didn’t say anything else. Most of the time he was good about leaving me alone when I was in a bad mood. He wasn’t normally the person that put me in one of those moods, but when he did he knew to stay out of my way. I was grateful to him for that. “Promise me something Channie?” He said after a while. I hummed in response, not wanting to fully commit to whatever he wanted. “If you start getting scared at all tell them so they’ll stop?”

I hummed again. I knew that I wasn’t going to get scared. I knew that there was nothing for me to be afraid of. They were going to clean my teeth and check for cavities. There was no reason for me to need them to stop. I was a grown man!

We didn’t speak to each other the rest of the way to my appointment. I felt his eyes on me though and I hated it. His nervousness was starting to rub off on me I wouldn’t admit that to him though. He didn’t deserve the satisfaction I knew he would get from that. I wanted to prove to him that I could handle it. I didn’t need him to take care of me constantly. I really didn’t.

He signed me in and filled out all of my charts – I could have done it but he insisted because he said he would check it after I was done anyway, he said it was faster if he did it. I did my best to ignore the voice in the back of my head telling me that he was lying to me about what poisons he was putting in my body and didn’t want me to find out. “Yongguk. What are you writing, Yongguk?” I leaned over, trying to check the paper to make sure he was writing the names of the poisons I knew I was taking and not something different. I just needed to make sure.

“I’m writing down your medical history Himchan. Please let me finish.” I stayed silent and listened to Yongguk’s pen scratching across the paper. It reminded me of my doctor. I wasn’t allowed to see what he was writing either.

I glared at Yongguk until the nurse came to take me back into the dentist’s office. I expected Yongguk to come with as paranoid as he had been about the appointment but he stayed in the waiting room. That worried me even more. What if this wasn’t really a dentist’s appointment? What if Yongguk was giving me away to these people? I teared up at the thought and did my best not to get upset with the nurse when she told me to sit down in a large blue chair. It had plastic lining all over it and reminded me of the chairs I had been forced to sit on when I had been committed.

I sat down in the chair – flinching every time someone tried to touch me – and looked desperately around the room for escape. Things didn’t get any better when a woman in blue scrubs walked into the room and shut the door behind her. The door didn’t need to be shut. “Please don’t close it…?” I whimpered, feeling embarrassed the second the words left my mouth. I didn’t like being locked in small rooms. The doctors at the crazy hospital use to lock us in small rooms when we didn’t behave the way they wanted us to. I hadn’t done anything wrong and I didn’t want to be locked in. I was behaving!

“It’s closed so we don’t disturb the other patients, Mr Kim.” She didn’t even look at me when she spoke. I needed there to be at least one other person in the room or for the door to be open. I didn’t think that was too much to ask for. It should have been policy anyway. The nurse could have d me or claimed that I had d her. I really wanted out of that room.

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So here's this. I accidentally stayed up all night even though I was mostly trying to sleep but I have to leave for school in 13 minutes so... yeah?
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also i would really appreciate some comments so I can feel all good about myself?So do that maybe?