I couldn’t feel anything. My doctor had increased my dosage of all of my poisons and I had been forced to start taking the sleep poisons again. I hadn’t seen anything that wasn’t real but I also hadn’t gotten out of bed because I was too lethargic to even swallow my own spit. I was completely worthless.  At least I wasn’t having hallucinations, right?

I tried to stay positive but it was nearly impossible. I wasn’t alive. I was a waste of space and I was sure even Yongguk knew it. I didn’t want to live that way. There was no reason for me to continue existing if I was going to be practically comatose. I couldn’t even feed myself or go to the restroom on my own. That wasn’t a life.

“Channie?” Apparently Yongguk was home. I thought he had been at work, an hour had passed since the last time I had seen him. It wouldn’t have mattered if he had left me alone for hours. It wasn’t as though I could do anything. “Hey Baby. Do you need anything?”

I didn’t know why he was asking. I couldn’t respond. He reached up and wiped my cheek gently. I hated this. I couldn’t even tell when I was crying, who knew how long I had been allowing tears to drip down my face.  “I hate seeing you like this, I’m so sorry Baby.”

I wanted to yell at him. He was the one that put the poisons in my mouth, he agreed to increase my dosage, and most importantly he was the one who saw me in this state and then continued to poison me. This was just as much his fault as it was my doctor’s, if not more. “I just want to help you Himchannie… I don’t know what else to do…”

He slid his hand down my arm and grabbed onto my hand. He wasn’t making things any better. He was making things worse. I knew that if I was capable of feeling I wouldn’t want to live, but that wasn’t a problem. I was just a lump of meat. I didn’t want the poison anymore. The poison was doing this to me. If I stopped taking them then I would be able to exist again. Even hurting was better than feeling nothing.

After a few seconds he fell down onto his side and curled up next to me. He pressed his body against mine, resting his head on my chest. “I love you Himchan. I’m sorry for everything…”

I tried to squeeze his hand but I couldn’t make the muscles work. I put all of my energy into it but it only served to exhaust me. “G…” I needed to at least tell him I was listening. He needed to know that I loved him too. Even though he was drugging me and making me useless I still loved him. More than anything. I couldn’t tell him though. I could barely force a sound out of my mouth much less a sentence. This wasn’t living.

I struggled with speaking for nearly twenty minutes, trying my hardest to tell him that I loved him too but I was unsuccessful. “It’s okay Baby… You don’t have to say anything…”He looked up at me and must have seen how hard I was fighting against my body because he took his hand out of mine and covered my mouth. This time I felt the tears leaking out of my eyes but I still couldn’t do anything about them. I couldn’t even speak to my boyfriend. What was the point of living? “This isn’t you…” He mumbled as his thumb rubbed along my face. “I can’t keep you this way.” Normally I would have asked him what he meant but it was impossible for me to speak.

He got up from the bed and I wanted to reach out for him. I didn’t want him to leave. It was better for him to be around than for me to be in the bedroom alone. I couldn’t even sleep. “There’s no point to keeping you this way.” I felt my heart stop. He wanted to get rid of me because of what the poisons were doing to me. “You can’t even talk. I can’t keep you on this medication.” He knelt down next to me, leaning in slightly to press a kiss against my hand. “I’m going to lower your doses again… Anything is better than this… You can’t even speak.”

My ability to speak returned by the time Yongguk was ready for bed. I couldn’t have been more thrilled. Three days without speaking or moving had been almost enough to drive me even more crazy. “I love you Gukkie…” I mumbled when he crawled into bed next to me. I rolled over so I could throw my arm over his waist, praying that it didn’t show how much effort I had put into the motion.

“Hey Channie.” He turned his head so he could press our lips together. I missed that. He hadn’t kissed me while I had been drugged. His lips felt even nicer than I remembered. Soft and plump and just for me. “I’m sorry for letting you stay that way.” He whispered, not pulling our lips apart. “I’m so, so sorry Himchannie…”

I scooted a little bit closer to him, inhaling his scent and leaving our lips together so our breath could mingle. This was how we were supposed to be. His eyes didn’t shine as brightly as they once had, I noticed, but I didn’t say anything about it. I knew what had caused that. “I don’t want to be that way again…”

He nodded his head, running his hand through my hair. “Never again Baby.” He kissed up my jaw to my ear. “I never meant to hurt you.” He mumbled, letting his tongue flick over my ear as he spoke. “I just wanted to help. I thought it would get better but that wasn’t better… It was so hard seeing you that way.”

I nodded my head and tightened my grip on his body. He was a good person. “It’s okay.” I trusted him. He didn’t want to hurt me, it wasn’t his fault the poisons were bad. He wanted to help me but there wasn’t anything he could do for me. I was messed up. I was defective. The only thing that would make me better was if I stopped taking the poisons. Yongguk didn’t want that though. I knew I needed to come up with something though. “It’s okay Yongguk.”

“Let me make it up to you?” He nibbled on my ear gently as he spoke, his good hand sliding down my chest and coming to rest in between my legs. “Please?” He rubbed gently, adding and removing pressure until my was straining against the front of my shorts. He liked to tease me about how short they were but I knew he secretly liked them. I had caught him staring at my thighs more than once. I nodded my head quickly before my brain shut down again. “Good.”

He kissed down my body, stopping to on my neck for a couple of seconds before continuing down until his lips were right over the elastic of my shorts. I whined when he stopped. I didn’t want to be teased. I needed him to keep going. “Guk…”

He smirked up at me, squeezing the bulge in my shorts. I released a loud moan before covering my mouth with my hand. “Eager?” He was a tease, he loved to make me wait. He tugged my short down with his good hand, using the other one to grab my once it had popped free from my shorts. “Himchannie is excited isn’t he?” He pumped me a couple of times, trying to get a reaction out of me.

Once I released another moan he smiled proudly and bent down to take my head into his mouth.

________

Three of my classes today were canceled which thrills me. I got to sleep until now and I have to leave in half an hour but I am pleased. 
So in this chapter Himchan's medicines messed him up even more and as an apology he got head. I have this thing for Yongguk going down on Himchan, partially I think because so many people say that he can't. That annoys me. If HImchan can go down on Yongguk, Yongguk better be going down on Himchan too. That is all I have to say for today.
Comments are appreciated.