“Please take your medicine, Baby?” Yongguk knelt in front of me and held my medications out to me with his good hand. I felt guilty for a couple of seconds before my own self-pity could swallow me up again. I had gone undiagnosed for at least four years. That meant any number of people could have been hallucinations. Not just my best friend.

“Why?” I rolled away from him, sighing when I relaxed on my stomach. “Obviously doesn’t work. I still see people my brain made up.” There was no reason to take poisons that made me feel like garbage if they weren’t even going to work the way they were supposed to. “No point.”

He sighed and I heard the pills fall down on to the bedside table. His hand moved up to my lower back seconds later. “It still makes your life more bearable Channie…”

“My life is Yongguk. Even when it’s more bearable.” I spat at him, not caring how horrible I was being. I was in crisis. “I don’t care I should just prove my stupid doctor right and throw myself off the roof. Then I would stop seeing that doesn’t exist.”

Yongguk’s breathing hitched and I felt his hand shaking on my back. I chose to ignore both of these things. “Channie…?” He sounded terrified. Of course he sounded terrified. “Himchan…?” He grabbed on to my shirt and tried to pull me closer. “That… that’s not what you should do. Pl-please do-don’t?” His voice cracked and my heart dropped. He sounded far more upset than he should have. His life would have been better if I killed myself. He could date someone who wasn’t crazy.

“You’re right… that would be more mess than I was worth.” I put my pillow over my head. If I threw myself off of a building there would be blood and people would be emotionally scarred. I wasn’t worth that. Killing myself would need to be something that wouldn’t cause any bother. Worthless people like myself weren’t worth any kind of mess.

His hand slid off of me and several sniffles came from his direction. I did my best to pretend I didn’t hear him even when sad whimpers started slipping from his lips. I didn’t like hearing those sounds at all but I was in a mood and even Yongguk’s tears couldn’t pull me out of it.

I couldn’t take this anymore. Hyunki had been yet another one of my brain’s creations, and if he wasn’t real what was? How long had my brain been tricking me like this? I couldn’t continue thinking about it before the sobs overtook my body again. Yongguk was back up on the bed grabbing at my body again in a matter of seconds but I wriggled free and shoved at him. The gasp he released told me that I had hit his shoulder, but I didn’t stop. “How do I know you’re real?” I shouted, tears completely clouding my vision. “If my best friend of eight years isn’t real, what is?”

“I’m real Channie.” He whispered and the bed dipped down under what I assumed was his weight. I was pulled onto my back and he threw his arm over my body. “You know I’m real Himchannie. I’ve been around your whole life.”

“Who knows if I’ve been this way my whole life or not?” I whimpered and curled into his side. Real or not I needed him. He was all I had left. He had to be real. I needed him to be real. I had pictures of him, that was a good sign, right? My mother had seen him. My doctor had seen him. They were real. “Please be real Yongguk. Please?”

He tightened his grip on my body, “I’m real. I promise.”

I nodded my head into his chest, tightening my grip on him again. “Don’t leave me Yongguk…”

“I’m not going anywhere.” He moved his hand up to the back of my head and pressed a kiss to my forehead. “Should we call Doctor Kim?” He kept his voice low as though he thought I would start to freak out if he spoke any louder. I hated when he got this way. Whenever he thought I was in a bad place emotionally he would speak quietly.

“Who?”

I looked up at him and he was staring at me with utter shock. I didn’t know any Doctor Kims. I didn’t know why we would need to call this person. “Doctor Kim is your doctor, Baby.” So that was his name. I stored that information away in my brain and nodded my head at Yongguk, I decided it would be best to pretend I already knew what his name was. “Should we call him?”

Doctor Kim was a horrible person. It made no sense for us to call him. I didn’t like him and didn’t want him involved in my life any more than he had to be. “Why would we call him?”

He sighed again and held onto me even tighter. If he was trying to crush my body then he was succeeding. “You just had a huge shock. That’s what he’s here for. We pay him to help you with your condition.”

“No. I hate him. I’ll take the poison but I’m not calling him.” I struggled against him for a couple of seconds before his grip eased up on me so I could reach over him to grab my poisons. “See?” I made a show of putting the pills in my mouth and swallowing them. It made him happy when I took the pills so I could do that for him. He had to be real and he had to stay.

We sat in silence for over an hour and Yongguk didn’t disappear. That didn’t mean anything though. I had been medicated all the times Hyunki showed up. “Himchannie?” I hummed to let him know I was awake and had heard him. “I’m sorry about all of this…”

“It’s okay Gukkie… It’s not your fault…” I spun around in Yongguk’s grasp so I could hide my face in his chest. Yongguk was real. I knew he was real, he had to be. I hadn’t been insane for my entire life.

He held into me for a little while longer before he started shifting as though he was uncomfortable. “Hey, Baby? I need to move. My arm hurts.” He waited until I had nodded my head and then he moved so he was lying on his back. I instantly felt guilty for letting him lie on his hurt arm for so long. I was too busy thinking about myself to think about him. I was a terrible boyfriend. “It’s not your fault.” He seemed to know what I was thinking, I whined in response. I was the one who had let him hold me that way. “Don’t think about it.”

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