Ren POV

I woke up two hours later to the sound of Sangmin's baby monitor going off like a siren. I peeled myself out of JR's arms and proceeded to get out of bed. I wandered into Sangmin's room and picked him up, trying to shush him as I walked to the kitchen to get his formula and put it into the warmer. I rocked him gently as I waited for the machine to beep, and thanked the lord quietly when it finally did. 

I fed Sangminnie his bottle, singing gently to him while he drank the bottle hungrily and made little noises here and there. I yawned, but I couldn't feel tired as I stared in Sangmin's big chocolate eyes. He made me forget everything that was going on between me and JR everytime I held him. He was what kept me going most of the time. JR had improved and after his recent breakdown I hoped he would continue to improve. 

I jumped when I felt a hand on my shoulder and turned around slowly, not wanting to jostle Sangmin to much to see it was JR. "You want me to feed him?" He looked almost shy asking, as if he was scared I would reject his offer. I tilted my head. "Do you even know how to?" He shook his head and stared at Sangmin for a few moments before putting his arms out. 

"If you show me how, I'm sure I can do it. I want to help you, and I want to learn to be a better father to Sangmin." I nodded slowly and gently pulled the bottle out of Sangmin's mouth. He started fussing and squirming slightly in my arms and I sighed. "Go sit down on the couch and I'll show you." JR quickly hurried to the sofa, and then looked at me expectantly. I handed him to JR, reluctant to let him go. "You have to support his neck, okay? Cradle his head in your elbow, and support the rest of his body along your arm. Now hold the bottle to his mouth and make sure that when it starts getting low you pull it away. If you let him swallow air, it'll give him lots of gas and it'll make him really upset. You also need to burp him to avoid the same problem. He'll cry like you've never heard if you don't, okay?" He looked at me amazed and then looked down at Sangmin who was already drinking again. "You just know so much about how to take care of him." I couldn't help but glare at him a little, "Well It's not like you cared much, I was more or less taking care of him alone."

"Ren, stop. I don't want to fight with you right now, okay? I know I haven't been a good father, it's not like I'm oblivious to the fact. I want to move past all that."

"Easy for you to say! Do you know how much I've been suffering? I've been sleep deprived and in pain. I forgive you, I know I said that, but it's really hard to just 'move past' it." He didn't answer and didn't even look at me. He stared down at Sangmin as if I wasn't there and I rolled my eyes and sat in the chair opposite him. "Tomorrow afternoon, we have to go to the doctor. I have to get a checkup to make sure everything's alright with Sangmin's younger brother or sister."

JR nodded absently, but continued to feed Sangmin. Sangmin began to push the bottle out of his mouth and JR gently pulled it away before throwing the burp cloth on his shoulder and gently hoisting Sangmin into his arms and patting his back. "I'll go with you. I can leave Sangmin with Aron." I raised an eyebrow at his suggestion.

"Does Aron even know how to take care of a kid?" JR stood up slowly with Minnie and started walking him to his bedroom. I followed him and stood in the doorway as I watched him tuck Sangmin into his bed and his little stomach.He turned back to me and ran his hands through his hair. "He watches his niece every few weeks and she's only 9 months old. Sangmin is younger, but I'm sure he can handle it. If anything, Sangmin will be easier to handle than Minah." During his rambling he'd wandered towards me until he had his arms around my waist. I leaned against his chest almost instinctively and closed my eyes as he rubbed circles into my back. "Let's get to bed." 

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The rest of the night, JR would wake up before me to go and take care of Sangmin, and I smiled to myself at how sweet he was being. I felt JR flop onto the bed next to me and pull me against his chest, as he mumbled into my neck. “I don’t know how you do this every night…” I wiggled so we were face to face and I kissed his cheek. "I don't know either. Thanks though, for helping me out."

He rubbed little circles into my back and smiled at me, but it looked sort of sad. "You shouldn't have to thank me. I'm his appa, it's my responsibility, but more than that, I love him. I love him a lot, and I can't believe I ever threatened to hurt him. He's so small and he snuggles against you. He's helpless and he has no choice but to trust whoever's holding him and taking care of him. I just... I'm so glad we have him. I'm sorry this happened at an inopportune time in your life, with me of all people but I hope we can all be happy together, now and in the future." 

We stayed in bed for a while, JR drifting in and out of sleep,  until we had to wake up at around 11AM  in order to get ourselves ready for the doctor's appointment and Sangmin and his things prepared to go to Aron's. We left the house at around noon and dropped Sangmin off after giving Aron a long lecture. 

When we finally arrived at the doctor's office, we filled out the usual papers before being called back by the doctor and going through the usual poking and prodding. I was eventually taken back to go get a sonogram to check on the development of the baby, and to know approximately how old they were. I laid down on the table and the nurse came and rubbed the cold gel onto my stomach. I shuddered from the sensation and JR chuckled at me. I swatted at him but he jumped out of the way just in time. "Don't laugh at me! You try this sometime..." I grumbled and pouted at him. He moved closer and kissed my forehead before moving back to hold my hand. "Sorry babe, your reaction was just really cute, that's all." I smiled at him and pulled him down for a quick kiss on the lips. The doctor came in mid-liplock and sighed at us. "You two...Already back, Ren?" JR smirked and shrugged. "What can I say? I can't help it if I'm very effective, if you know what I mean." I laughed quietly as I watched the doctors face get a little darker as he looked at JR. "I believe that was too much information. Let's get down to business. I'm sure Ren wants all this stuff off of his stomach as soon as possible." 

The doctor his machinery and brought the head of the sonogram probe to my stomach and began running it over my abdomen. I couldn't help but get a little excited, this was going to be the first time I got to see my second child. However, it seemed to be taking the doctor a long time to find the baby. His eyebrows raised a little and he opened and closed his mouth as if wanting to speak, but then deciding against it."Ren...Let's get you cleaned up." I looked at JR, starting to feel scared, but he just shrugged gently before holding my hand. "What's wrong?" The doctor didn't answer my question, he just stood and called the nurse. After engaging in a short conversation with her, she walked over and handed me a cloth to wipe off my stomach. 

She helped me clean up my stomach and showed me where I could change back into my clothes. I felt tears gather in my eyes as I changed, there was no doubt that there was something was wrong with me or with the baby. What was supposed to be a happy day had turned into a very upsetting one instead. JR practically forced me back into my clothes and led me into the doctors office. JR gently led me to a seat and then sat next to me. Dr. Mangjyeon looked at us sympathetically and then opened the file that had been sitting on his desk.

"Ren, I'll make this as straightforward as possible for you. Firstly, there is no baby. Second, there may never be again. It seems during your first pregnancy there was trauma that went unnoticed and the injuries didn't heal well. That combined with the nature of your first pregnancy and the birth seems to have caused damage to you child bearing organs and you  will not be able to have anymore children." I looked at the doctor and smiled before thanking him for his time. JR and the doctor both looked at me shocked. I smiled and walked out of the office with JR following me. As soon as we walked out of the office, I felt my knees give out and JR grabbed me and pulled me towards him. I buried my face into his chest and he wrapped his arms around me tightly. "JR, Jonghyun, there is no baby. There's no baby...I thought...but-" He shushed me and my head. "It's okay, just don't think too much. It's okay, you're okay, alright?"

I slowly pulled away from him and shook my head. I hugged myself and just kept shaking my head. I felt my emotions hit my like I'd crashed into a brick wall. I sobbed against his chest, not sure what to do. "No, Jonghyun." 

No

My second child never existed.

No

I'd never have another one.

No

I'm not okay.

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Guess who's back??? Took my like a century, but I've returned! This story is almost complete probably two or three more chapters to go. I had a really long dry spell when it came to writing for this story, and then today this just came out. AHHH. well anyway, I hope it's at least okayish. I might go back and edit the earlier chapters (haha, let's see how long that takes.) Anyway, thank you to all the subscribers, everyone who commented (everytime I'd come back on and I'd see the new comment notification, I would just flail around for a bit), everyone who upvoted and just everyone who's ever read/is reading this. Until next time ^.^