JR P.O.V.

I got up from the floor some time after he left and walked mindlessly to my bedroom. I sighed when I walked in and found our bed completely deviod of Ren. We'd been sleeping more seperatly than together these days and I missed having him in my arms. I climbed into our bed and wished I had his warm, smaller body next to mine. This was probably when the idea of not having him ached the most. I missed when we cuddled, when we still whispered to eachother between the covers at night, talking about everything and nothing. When we were still carefree lovers, when we were still completely content with eachother. But it all began to fade, those good times became just memories and his smile was something I rarely saw. I ruined us. But can you blame me?

Ren is beautiful. He's everything I've ever wanted in a lover and a lot of things I didn't know I wanted. I wanted him so badly, but I know there are plenty of people out there who want him just as badly. I let my jealousy and suspicion get ahead of me and I tried to force him to see only me without realizing that he was already devoted to me. Why was I like this?

My mother is beautiful. She's betrayed my father many times, but he's so in love he pretends he doesn't see it. He pretends that they're perfect and even when it was obvious, and even the time that he caught her with him, he still forgave her. So now, my father plays the fool, and buries himself in his work pretending that his relationship with mother is perfect, and that I don't look like him. He goes to the gym obsessively, thinking that if he's just a little more perfect that mother will love him as much as he loves her. He works harder to get more money, trying to get richer, more powerful. He chases the suffix -er, trying to perfect himself, even though I know that he knows somewhere deep down that no matter what he does that mother will never love him. Because she never chose him, she never loved him.

I don't want to be my father. I don't want to be used by the person I would be alright being used by. I want to possess him, own him, and have him play the fool for me. I want him to be completely devoted, I need them to be willing to throw themselves away for me and that's why I felt like I had to hurt Ren. I went to therapy, and learned about my jealousy issues, but I realized it's mostly my possession issues, my efforts to make sure history doesn't repeat itself. But it did.

Ren has become my father. I only just realized it, but he's playing the fool for me.  He pretends everything is okay and smiles for me even when he knows I'm just going to hurt him. I've ruined him, but he still treats me like I'm the most important thing in his life. Ren tries his best to make me happy thinking that he can fix this problem, when the flaw is actually with me. In my attempt to prevent myself from becoming ruined by love, I destroyed someone else. And I regret it.

In this moment, alone in our bed, hugging Ren's pillow which no longer smells like him, I've had one of the greatest revelations in all my years of living and I can't help the sobs that are racking my body. I can't believe what I've turned into, I can't believe how I've been acting, the things I've been saying to someone I'm supposed to love. I threatened to hurt my own son, and all these thoughts become an onus that sits on my heart and threatens to crush me. 

Before I know it, I'm out of my bed and running to the guestroom, that has become Ren's bedroom as of late. I didn't knock, I barged in and knelt by his bedside, throwing myself to my knees and laying my head on his stomach and crying into the blanket that covered him. I felt him stir and I sat back up on my knees. I gently shook him, and then his face, trying to get my crying under control, but not because I gave a damn about looking weak, but because I had to tell him things, lots of things, and I felt like I had to get it out right now. "Ren, wake up. Jagiya, wake up now, please."

He sat up slowly, moving away from me as he gained awareness. "JR?" I shook my head and sat on the edge of the bed, pulling him into my arms. "Call me Jonghyun. You never call me Jonghyun anymore." He pushed his way out of arms and moved away again. "What do you want from me? Get the hell out. I've suffered enough today, don't you think?" I pulled him towards me again and kept holding him until he stopped struggling in my arms. He sighed and followed my lead until he was sitting sideways on my lap. I noticed he was wearing one of my big T-shirts and I smiled inwardly at the gesture. "Ren, I love you. I'm sorry for everything I've done to you, everything I've done to Sangmin. I thought about some things, stuff I can't really explain to you tonight, but you have to trust me. I know I've broken your trust but, please believe me when I say I'll treat you better from now on. Please. just give me the chance. I can't imagine not having you. I can't imagine living without you. I need you." Ren stared at me for a long time. I looked into his pretty eyes and I saw all kinds of emotions flying through them. Minutes passed then suddenly he sighed before kissing my cheek and then leaning our foreheads together. "Of course I believe you. No matter what you do to me, no matter how much you hurt me, I'm always ready to forgive you and keep loving you." He closed his eyes and I followed suite, and we just sat there for a few moments, trying to digest eachothers feelings.

"I said it earlier, Jonghyun. Can't you see this is crazy? We're crazy, but it's okay because that's what love does to people sometimes, it makes us crazy. I'm happy that you're with me." He grabbed the hand that wasn't currently supporting his back and placed it gently on his stomach. "I'm happy you're the father of my children. I'm upset that things happened as they did. I wish you hadn't hurt me, as much as I know I shouldn't have let you." I stood up with him in my arms and carried him to our bedroom, gently placing him on the bed when we got there. I climbed in next to him and he snuggled into my arms and I smiled. He was back where he needed to be. "Goodnight, Jonghyun." I fell asleep with a smile on my face.

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YOU CAN ALL KILL ME FOR TAKING SO LONG TO UPDATE. MIAN!!!! Anyway, I'm back! I went to Cambodia for a month to see relatives and now I'm back, yay :) I would like to thank all 105 of my subscribers, when i saw the number, I seriously just like attacked my keyboard and hurried to type out the rest of this chapter. I wrote it in a notebook while I was overseas and there you have it. the chapter's title may seem weird (or not if you get the whole name thing i tried to do and may have failed at) but Jonghyun finally clears up his mind and gets himself together. he realizes just how much he really needs are beloved Minki. and Ren calls him Jonghyun again. I feel like I may have to explain it more soon though. Cuz that may be one of those things where the author (me) completely gets it and the readers are like "the hell...?" Anyway, thank you to everyone who's reading and comment.  I'm really jet lagged and now I'm going to pass out although it's morning here.