The family was gone. Out for dinner, like Taemin had suggested a few days before. He had told his parents to take Taesun out for dinner, shower him with love because he had done well on his exams, while Taemin’s exam grades had suffered. He said he would stay home and study, as punishment, and his parents accepted his idea well.

He had this whole thing planned out. Get the family out of the house, put his parents most valuable things in one of those boxes that didn’t burn, set it out behind the house, then burn the house down with him inside of it. They would be gone for a while, since the restaurant they were going to was about 45 minutes away. It was Taesun’s favorite though, and they made sure to spoil him. Taemin wasn’t jealous in the least bit. Taesun deserved all their parents gave him and more. Taemin deserved less. He deserved nothing.

While they were out, for a good three hours, he would set the house on fire, starting with his bedroom. He had gone through their family photos and cut himself out of every picture and planned on using that to start the fire. He wanted to make sure there was no trace of him. He wanted to make it look like he had never been born in the first place. That way, there would be no way for his family to remember him, and everything would hurt just a little bit less. 

He had been depressed for quite a while. It felt like it had been years. His parents had never noticed though and there had never been a reason for them to notice. He took pride in the fact that he hid his scars well. His brother had only ever noticed them once but had never said a word about it. They both acted as if nothing had happened; as if Taesun hadn’t caught him coming out of the shower with fresh cuts as he applied band aids to the insides of his legs. It was the best place to cut. Arms were too noticeable and the skin anywhere else pulled too much. 

Thinking back on it now, as he set fire to the floor of his bedroom, an hour and a half before his parents would be home, it was his fault. He was just an awful person. He was made fun of for his girly looks. He was too skinny and too pretty. His grades weren’t the best and he didn’t have many friends. His brother got tired of sticking up for him, so Taemin had told him it fine; it was okay for Taesun to stop. He would be alright.

He wasn’t, but he didn’t plan on telling anyone that. He pretended to be a normal teenager, for his parents, but in reality he was alone. He rode the bus alone and sat at lunch alone. Eventually, he had become invisible, but he didn’t mind so much. That meant leaving behind less chaos when he was gone. Not many people would remember that skinny kid that sat in the back of the classroom.

Taemin went into his closet and looped his belt around the bar attached to the wall and made sure it was sturdy enough before wrapping it around his neck, making sure it was as tight as possible. He wondered vaguely if he should have closed his closet door. He liked seeing the flames though, and feeling the heat, knowing that soon, he wouldn’t exist at all.

* * * * * * * * * 

Taemin opens his eyes, though he’s not entirely sure what’s going on. He’s on a gurney, strapped down pretty well though his hands are free enough and his skin feels like it’s on fire. The belt he had had wrapped around his neck is in someone’s hands and a tube is being shoved down his throat and air is being pushed into his lungs. It’s painful and he vaguely thinks “I deserve that. I should have finished this properly. Something must have gone wrong.” 

His mom is screaming hysterically, tears flowing freely down her face, but Taemin can’t make out what she’s saying. His father’s eyebrows are pulled together, arms crossed as he cries silent tears, and Taesun is right next to him, eyes squeezed shut tightly as he apologizes to Taemin over and over and over. He feels Taesun taking his hand and so he taps Taesun’s hand, indicating he should turn it so it’s facing palm up. This was something they had done when they were younger. They would sit in the dark while one of them crawled into the other’s bed and write things in each other’s palms, giggling as they tried to figure out what the other was spelling. It had been fun and an easy way to pass secrets around to each other.

Taesun turned his hand over, eyes swimming in tears and he asked, “What is it, Taemin?”

Taemin moved his finger swiftly over Taesun’s palm, spelling out what he wanted to say and once it was done he watched as Taesun’s eyes went wide with shock before he screamed out and started crying harder. Taemin, with tears in his own eyes, smiled around the tube in his mouth.

“Better luck next time.”