I sprayed my handy-dandy body cologne sa sarili ko. Inamoy ko mga pulsuhan ko, once satisfied with the strength of the smell, I put the bottle away. I checked myself out sa salamin ni kuya. Matagal ko nang balak bumili ng sarili kong full-length mirror pero I haven’t gotten to it yet.

 

Buti wala siya dito sa bahay, maaga siyang umalis kasi ngayon yung concert. May pinopormahan pala si gago kaya niya binawi yung tickets. Kaya rin siya bumili ng bago niyang damit. Ewan ko na lang kung hindi ma-turn off yung ka-date niya sa pormahan niya.

 

Pagkatangkad-tangkad eh hindi marunong manamit. Sinasabihan ko siyang bumili ng mga mas maayos na pants at shirts pero he keeps on sticking with his outdated style. He doesn’t understand proportions, kainis siya.

 

I bid goodbye kay papa na nakatambay sa bakuran namin. Todo ngiti ako nung may inabot siyang 500 sa akin. May pera pa naman ako pero, as the favorite anak, he insisted na dagdagan ang budget ko for today.

 

Nag-message ako kay Karina na palabas na ako then I headed out. Outfit check tayo. Plain black tee from the kids’ section, straight-cut denim jeans, chucks, and my pretty face. Dala ko yung tote bag na niregalo sa akin ni Liz nung birthday ko.

 

Para hindi ako pagpawisan at mapagod, sumakay na lang ako ng taxi. Kahit na lagi naman na kami magkasama, medyo may kaba sa akin ngayong magkikita kami. Iba kasi ito from all the times na magkasama kami sa school.

 

We’re surrounded by people we know, and people who know us. We haven’t truly spent time together in a setting where it’s only us that we’re aware of. Sigurado ako wala namang magbabago sa paraan ng pagtrato namin sa isa’t isa, kahit nasaan kami.

 

I sighed to myself when I saw the amount of cars in front of us. Kung may isa akong pinakaayaw sa mundo ito ay traffic. Kairita. The one time I commute, I get stuck in heavy traffic.

 

Looks like I’ll be here for a while kaya minabuti ko nang sabihan si Karina na I’ll be running late. She replied to my previous message saying she was also on the way. That was almost ten minutes ago. Baka malapit na siya sa meet-up place namin.

 

She saw my message agad. Hindi siya nag-reply so kinabahan ako. Alam kong ayaw niyang pinaghihintay siya, pet peeve niya daw yun. I started to get fidgety.

 

My phone rang. It’s her. I immediately answered.

 

I was met with her low voice, “Hello?”

 

“Hello…” Nahihiya kong sambit.

 

“I just got here so don’t rush. I’ll wait.”

 

Sabi na eh. I should’ve left earlier. Dami ko pa kasing pa-cute sa salamin. She doesn’t like waiting and I don’t like making other people wait. The universe must be playing with us.

 

I apologized to her. She dismissed me. “As long as makarating ka dito, it’s fine.”

 

After a few minutes, umusad na rin ang traffic at finally ay nakarating na ako sa pagkikitaan namin. It’s a cafe located just outside the city proper. Malaki siya, may magandang view sa labas.

 

I looked for her sa mga nakaupo. When I saw her, she was already looking at me. With haste, I made my way to her. She looks extra pretty today, naisip ko. Her glasses caught my attention. Ngayon ko lang siya nakitang nakasuot ng salamin.

 

“Hello. Sorry, sorry.”

 

Nakatingin lang siya sa akin, smiling. I’m not sure if narinig niya ako ng maayos. I sat down beside her and that was when she finally uttered a word. She adjusted, “Why are you sitting beside me?”

 

I leaned on the wingback chair. “Bakit? Bawal ba?”

 

Tinulak niya ako, trying to get me to stand up. “Go sit sa kabila.”

 

Albeit confused, sumunod ako sa sinabi niya. “Anong meron?”

 

“I want to properly see your face.”

 

“Kung diyan sana ako sa tabi mo, mas makita mo pa ng malapitan,” I replied, a bit smug.

 

We were interrupted by one of the servers, binigyan niya kami ng menu nila. Si Karina na yung hinayaan kong mamili ng kakainin namin. I ordered their matcha latte for my drink, si Karina nag-water lang.

 

Ang bilis ng kilos ng mga staff dito. Our food arrived not even ten minutes after ordering. Gusto ko yung pagiging attentive nung server namin. Nahulog kasi yung isang spoon and she was quick to provide us with a new one. 10/10 for the service!

 

This place is really a catch. The food is also excellent. Already becoming one of my favorite places. I asked my date where she found this place. She told me, “Heejin told me about it. She went here with her boyfriend last month.”

 

Ngayon ko na lang ulit narinig yang pangalan na yan, it almost feels nostalgic. Okay, OA. Our last meeting was two months ago, hindi na kasi nasundan yung labas namin na yun. I also haven’t really seen her around campus.

 

Late nag-sink in yung huling sinabi niya. I figured sila nga nung guy since she’s been openly sharing photos of them on social media. Good for her. It was just a silly little crush naman so I don’t care much about it.

 

My life’s been revolving around my classes, SLC, and Karina. Come to think of it, feel ko I just needed some form of entertainment kaya ko siya naging crush—pampalipas boredom.

 

I never liked her, that I know for sure. It never got to that point. I think I might’ve thought I liked her pero I actually didn’t. I probably just got carried away with my admiration of her.

 

Kaya rin siguro I was openly telling my friends about my crush sa kaniya kasi hindi naman ako seryoso talaga. I tend to keep to myself about my feelings kapag talagang may pake ako sa isang tao. Napansin ko yan about myself, just recently.

 

I haven’t told them anything about us ni Karina pero I know napapansin nila ang closeness namin. When I told them about our meet-up today, todo usisa si bud. Super curious siya. Nagsabi pa siyang ikwento ko sa kaniya mangyayari today. If friends lang kami ni Karina, she wouldn’t care that much.

 

Same with Liz. She’s been smiling a lot more, which is nice. Nakikipagbiro na rin siya sa amin ni bud tuwing classes namin. May minor setback lang when Ning Ning mentioned a project of the drama club. Apparently, Wonyoung had already told Liz about it, inimbitahan na niya itong manuod sa future shows nila.

 

After that nagmukmok ulit siya. Hindi ulit siya nakipagbiruan sa amin for the rest of our classes together. Buti ngayon okay na.

 

Back to Heejin. Actually, there’s not much to say na, yun na yun. It was just another case of me having a crush for the sake of entertaining myself. A crush at first sight that lasted three fortnights.

 

“Ah. Okay.”

 

I change the topic. Kinuwento ko si kuya ko. Tawang-tawa siya, buti na lang daw at binawi niya yung tickets para he can make a great impression on the one he likes. She thinks it’s cute na he thought of inviting the girl he’s courting to the concert.

 

She must have thought na ang cute rin ni Jaemin kasi inimbitahan siya nitong pumunta sa concert. Then again, I also invited her to the concert, so…

 

I smiled at that thought.

 

“Why are you smiling?”

 

Mas lalo akong ngumiti. “May naisip lang.”

 

Sumimangot siya, “Who are you thinking of na ganyan kalaki ang smile mo?”

 

“Someone.”

 

Her frown was long gone. We both smiled at one another knowingly. Mukhang may inside joke na kami. Nagkwentuhan lang kami until we finished our food. Nagtikiman rin kami. Ng kinain namin. Pasta sa akin, burger sa kaniya.

 

She offered to pay for our bill. I kept on saying na we can share, pay for our own food ganon, pero ayaw niya. Block niya daw ako sa lahat if I pay for my food. In the end, siya nagbayad kasi it didn’t feel like mapapa-agree ko siya sa gusto ko anytime soon.

 

Sinabi niyang ako na lang daw sa next date namin. May next date pa kami. Tapos after nun, sana meron pa ulit. Hanggang magsawa kami sana meron pang next date.

 

Naglakad na kami palabas ng cafe, “Tara ice cream. On me.”

 

Inabot niya yung kamay ko. “Can I?”

 

Hawak na niya, magtatanong pa siya. For a second, that’s what I wanted to say pero I stopped myself. Gusto ko rin ipahiwatig sa kaniya na gusto ko yung mga ginagawa niya sa akin at para sa akin. I want her to know na alam ko kung anong nangyayari between us.

 

I’m not that stupid to let her be alone in this, lalo na’t I just started accepting the fact that I may have underlying feelings for her. I’m smart enough to not run away from them and ignore them.

 

Alam niyo yung sa mga movie at show, there’s always a part where the main character does something stupid that causes their romantic interest to drift from them. I don’t want that to happen sa amin ni Karina kaya I’m being very careful and mindful of everything going on between us.

 

Sana, kahit papaano, she understands what I’m trying to say. I hope she sees kung paano ako magparamdam, in my own little ways. Or baka masyado akong subtle at ambiguous? If I need to be bolder, I’m willing to try.

 

Tumango ako at hinigpitan ang kapit sa kamay niya. “Ano palang favorite ice cream flavor mo?”

 

For the first time in my life, someone is visibly showing their interest sa akin. It’s always been me na nagpapakita ng appreciation sa iba. My first almost-relationship was a headache, to say the least.

 

We never dated pero yung the experience still haunts me.

 

A bit of background. We were classmates, naging seatmate ko siya for one school year. Madaldal siya, laging may kinakain kapag nagtuturo yung teachers, kilala sa school kasi magaling sumayaw at kumanta, pretty much the typical campus crush girl.

 

Hindi ako mahilig dumaldal tuwing may lessons kami pero dahil I was smitten by her, I would be doing exactly what I don’t like doing. I found myself acting differently around her. Kaya alam kong talagang nagustuhan ko siya, alam ko ring I loved her.

 

Soon enough she was reciprocating my advances. Sa chat I would be flirty, nung una, she would dodge them pero eventually mas naging malandi pa siya kaysa sa akin. It felt nice.

 

Kahit na ako una nagkagusto sa aming dalawa, siya ang unang umamin. Ironic. My inability to verbally tell people I like them is part of my personality. I’m not one to express love and affection through words talaga, tsaka it just feels to vulnerable for me.

 

To me, liking someone means you are presenting yourself to be hurt. She was a lesson para sa akin. Hindi pala lahat ng pagkakagusto natin sa mga tao ay natutuloy sa pagmamahalan; that was her case. She didn’t love me the way I loved her.

 

She lead me on, kept me around sa mga pagpapakilig sa akin through our daily chats and weekend dates. Ako naman itong hulog na hulog, ayun, nanatili ako sa sitwasyon namin. Just recently I realized na situationship pala yung sa amin.

 

May nabasa ako online. Ang sabi ay ‘a situationship is a situation to one and nothing to the other’, parang ganun ata nagyari sa amin.

 

While I was all willing and committed sa kaniya, short term fling lang pala tingin niya sa akin. Ang kinaiinisan ko ay bakit niya ako pinag-stay ng ganun katagal kung hindi naman pala malalim yung nararamdaman niya para sakin.

 

She made me feel loved pero ako lang pala yun. I felt pathetic. Words are words. Lahat ng mga pinagsasabi niya sa akin, nasabi niya lang daw dahil sa bugso ng damdamin. She never truly meant them. Parang joke ata, half meant.

 

I resented her, I think hanggang ngayon pa rin naman. It’s hard not to when I never got a proper apology. Actually meron, sa panaginip ko nga lang, so it doesn’t count.

 

Buti pa yung character niya sa dreams ko, may silbi.

 

Another thing na kinaiinisan ko ay nung bigla siyang nagparamdam ulit. I would’ve appreciated it kung yung sadya niya ay magpakumbaba pero hindi eh. Nag-chat ba naman about an assignment sa school.

 

Muntik ko na siyang sugurin nun, legit.

 

Buti na lang talaga ibang section na siya nung Grade 12. Baka lumipat ako ng school kung maging kaklase ko pa siya after what happened between us. Seryoso.

 

Masalubong ko pa lang siya sa hallway, yung init ng ulo ko umaapaw na.

 

My transition from loving her to feeling nothing but anger towards her was uncanny. I didn’t know possible yun. We were a thing for more than six months so I think warranted naman yung naramdaman kong galit sa kaniya.

 

Ngayon, okay na ako. Siya, ewan. Binati niya ako nung birthday ko. Malamang sa malamang hindi ako nagpasalamat. Kapal ng mukhang mag-message eh.

 

I forgot na we still follow each other sa social media kaya after that, I made sure to cut our connections off. I remember blocking her pero baka I unblocked her nung time na nagmo-move on ako sa kaniya.

 

The last news I know of her is that she moved sa Canada. Nandun kasi buong pamilya niya kaya sumunod na siguro siya dun. Buti naman at nabawasan ang gago sa Pinas, sobra-sobra na kasi sila dito.

 

I don’t like comparing pero natutuwa talaga ako kay Karina. She’s far different kay Hyunjin. I get war flashbacks from that name. Grabe. Enough na nga about her.

 

Focus tayo sa present. Si Karina lang dapat isipin ko. I unconsciously smile to myself at the thought of her. She makes me smile a lot. She makes me feel a lot of things. Good things.

 

“I like chocolate lang.” She’s swaying our hands as we walk.

 

HHWW. Hehe.

 

I fiddled with her fingers in my hand, “I like vanilla.” Nagkatinginan kami at sabay na ngumiti.

 

We didn’t have to walk far kasi may nadaanan kaming 7-11. I went ahead and got us our food and paid sa counter. Nagpabili pa siya ng ibang tinapay. Natunaw na siguro yung kinain niya kanina.

 

After getting our ice cream, naglakad-lakad ulit kami. I’m enjoying this a lot. Ang kalmado ng lugar. This feels like an escape from the loud city. Tapos kasama ko pa si Karina.

 

I can get used to this.

 

That would be nice. Ngayong nakakasama ko si Karina nang ganito, unti-unti nawawala yung mga pangangamba at takot ko. I do a lot of things unconsciously kapag kasama ko siya. She has the ability to make me feel comfortable enough to present myself vulnerable.

 

Naisip kong wala rin lang silbi kung kukwestyunin ko ang sarili ko ever