Page Thirteen: That Gnawing Feeling

“How’s the guy?” I heard my sister asked and decided to ignore her for my sake. That resulted into consecutives snorts coming from her. She added, “You can’t keep it to yourself forever, sister.”

“As long as I can keep it from you, sister.” I replied in a mocking tone that sent a pillow on my way. Which I failed to evade. Blame it to my zero skills in dodge ball.

“I heard from Minho that there’s some guy that likes you but some was on the way.” Bom said, waiting for any slips up coming from me.

I winced at my sister calling Yoona, my best friend, a . Not that she isn’t one completely. That word can be defined subjectively so in some ways, I knew that Yoona is one. Heck, I can be one, or I am one. My brows were furrowed at center as I told her off, “Don’t call her a . She’s my best friend.”

“I thought Hyesun is your best friend.” Bom pointed out that made me scowl at her. She laughed mockingly as she continued, “You’re best friends in words, my dear sister. So get over it.”

“We’re friends.” I told her plainly and sighed. “Not as tight knitted as with Hyesunnie but closer than the others.”

“Just get rid of her.” Bom exclaimed. “She’s going to cause you a heart break. Believe me.”  She paused and for a second, I thought I saw pain in her eyes but it’s gone. “Been there, done that.”

“Just let me be. Matters would settle themselves.” I uttered as I make my bed and tried my best to ignore the protests of my older sister. Sometimes I wonder who’s older between the two of us. She sure does act more of the younger one. I looked at her one more time as I whispered, “Plus Yoona and Seunghyun were together for a year or so now. I don’t want to get in between the two of them.”

“You are not getting in between them! You are just rectifying the misunderstanding between the two of you.” Bom tried her best to get it drilled into the stubborn head of her sister.

“I don’t want to be called the home wrecker.” I tried to reason out.

“You’re not wrecking anything.” Bom said in exasperation.

“Breaking them up isn’t wrecking?” I asked in a mocking tone.

“They’ll end up taking different paths.” Bom persists. “They’re on the path of breaking up already.”

“And the whole university would conclude that I’m the reason. My reputation would certainly skyrocket.” I exclaimed and rolled my eyes at her.

“Stop thinking about what others think of you and think about your own happiness!” Bom yelled frustratingly and I saw her pull her hair out of annoyance.

“I’m happy the way it is.” I muttered and smiled timidly at my sister. “I don’t need to be with him for me to be happy. Staying friends with him is quite enough for me.” I can see the protests on my sister’s eyes but my next words silenced her, “I don’t want to be the cause of someone else’ pain. I saw how miserable you are when Yunho betrayed you.” I took a deep breath as I continued, “Stop worrying about me, I’ll be fine. It’s not like I’m going to die because of one heart break.”

I saw my older sister bit her lower lips as if stopping herself from crying. Although she’s such a bully, she’s still a big crybaby. We often about it. I saw her nodded a little bit and said, “Fine. Have it your way.” Then she smiled, “My shoulders are always open for you to lean on. My ears are just here to listen when want to talk about such things. My—“

“I know.” I cut her off before she bursts out with all her emotional speeches. “I got myself an annoying big sister who worries a lot for me.”

“And you just spoil the moment just like that.” Bom complained and let out a chuckle.

Just like that, they’re sisterly-ritual bond at night ended but my sister’s words kept on ringing into my head until I fell asleep with that as the last thought. Due to our heart to heart conversation, it’s not a wonder that I dreamt of it but rather than the talk, I dreamt of myself being in Yoona’s place.

Dreamt of me being with him by his side. Seeing the possibilities of having to hold his hand by clearing the misunderstanding between us. Feeling the overwhelming happiness of having him by my side and experience what I could have if I have the courage to face the consequences.

But I’m just a big coward. And I’m just a girl who fears any drastic changes that can happen.

So all I can do is dream about it and blamed the people who surround me for even thinking about it.