Long update.

Like I Can
Junhyung | Hyuna

“Am I that bad?” He asked me as we swayed around the sidewalk, people giving us questioning glances like any other judgmental human being. I gripped harder to his wrist on my shoulder and pulled him up as he almost smacked his face down the floor.

“Junhyung, get your grips now or I’ll be kicking your bottoms.” I hissed to him, and just for him to hear.

I pulled my bag closer to my back as he almost pulled me down with him. I surrendered and knelt down with him on the floor and he looked up to me with those eyes that speak length and length of story. He smirked that only he can do and my heart stopped around my throat.

“I was that bad right?” He eyes went down to our close knees and he gripped my hand, hard like he was depending his next breath to it. My breath left me while he do that.

I closed my eyes and breathed deep, deep enough to even pull hell up through my nose.

This is your bestfriend Hyuna, this is Junhyung. Get a grip!

“What does Baekhyun have that I don’t?” He looked up to me, seemed innocent like he really didn’t know why the world turn the way it does. “Tell me!” He shouted but only enough for me to hear. “You know us both, you know us two. Why does she have to choose him over me?”

“Did you ask her that question?” I asked as I placed a finger under his chin and made him look at me. My heart skipped a beat.

“She told me, she loved me. . .” He sobbed like a petulant child being ignored of his requests. “. . .but she needs him more than me. She told me that our love for each other couldn’t over power her need for him.” He rested his head on my shoulder, his liquored full breath danced in my nose. “It hurt as hell, Hyuna. Why can people do this to others? Aren’t they happy that someone loves them?”

“Junhyung. . .” I hugged him, giving him my full bestfriend hug.

But all this superficial role kept what my heart really felt that moment. That sting that slashed my heart repeatedly like a crazed samurai man. That bitterness that lingered in my mouth like it tasted blood. And that run I went through in my head just to go after my next breath.

While he sobbed endlessly for his heartbreak, I mentally cried for the support I’m getting nowhere. I nursed my broken glass covering my heart in my bleeding hands repeatedly, like that was always part of my routine.

I remembered his question, aren’t people glad that someone loves them?

I remembered my inner question, the one thing I constantly asked myself. Do people get tired if things went on and on for many times, like being hurt frequently?

But that story happened 7 years ago, and here we are right now.

He places an arm over my shoulder, sips to his caramel macchiato and smiles around the sidewalk. We’re on our way to our office after we both closed a deal enough to make the company alive for the next 3 years.

“We’re like Bonnie and Clyde right?” He looks down to me, his eyes twinkling of pride and success. “I wouldn’t close it as easy as that if you weren’t there with me.”

I just smile and resume walking dazing off, not minding how he makes my heart jump every time he smells my hair.

Why are we still together? Why am I here with him? You’re asking?

I was dumb enough to follow him anywhere he goes. After I helped him up from his hell of a broken heart, we both finished college; we both took economics in business management. We exceled, made it in no time to graduate. I really wanted to take conservatory of music but Junhyung insisted that the money and successful future is in the hands of a great economist so I followed him.

During those 7 years I spent with him in one apartment with two bedrooms, I lived with the feeling of really being the bestfriend. Junhyung, who became so famous in our university, brought home girl to girl in every section and I would never dare try to reimagine those sounds I tried to live with every single night. I forgot how many times I prayed to be deaf or tried to cut off my ear just to stop the breaking sensation that remained in my body.

And even in those 7 years, I was still the bestfriend he couldn’t see. I was still the supportive apprentice under his arm who he told regularly he couldn’t live without.

There were times I thought I could cross the line and try if we could do better if we weren’t just bestfriends.

I swallowed the terror living under my nose and made it up to face him, I was slightly drunk but drunk enough to be confident enough to face him.

He opened up the door to me, and he immediately noticed that I was really drunk. Or not really. I couldn’t remember.

“Junhyung. . .” I looked up to his doe eyes and he looked back to me as if he was expecting this to happen sooner rather than later. I could sense to fright in his stance, like he never wanted me to confess this right here. . . right now.

“What did you do?” He asked terrified of my answer.

I shook my head, the dam couldn’t hold itself any longer. I was drunk enough to be an emotional wreck.

“Junhyung. . .” I breathed in deep, trying to regain my lost composure. “I’ve been having this problem lately. A conflict. . . really not lately.” I stammered, my thoughts scattered in the pacific ocean of my mind. “I like you. . . long enough.” I started.

He placed his hands on my shoulders. When I looked up, he was smiling like the joker he likes to watch in the batman series. I knew it, I knew this would happen.

“You’re really that drunk huh?” He laughed silently and I was left, swimming in my dark alley of depression.

I was about to tell him that I was serious when two long legs came out of his room, only a towel clad around her body.

“When are you guys planning to go in? It’s getting late.” The unknown blonde called from the door of his room and we both looked at her direction, only Junhyung nodded his head to say he’ll be there sooner.

“I’ll gonna tuck you in and wait for you to sleep.” He pulled me in and closed the door with his foot. He enclosed me with a hug, my side against his.

When we went in to my room, he dragged the comforter up and let me fill in the space. I went under and he tucked me in, like a good girl who daddy just talked to about boys.

I closed my eyes immediately, pretending that I was asleep so he’d just leave me alone. I want to wail like a crazed person because the poison in my heart was eating me alive.

He didn’t live instantly, instead he stayed with me; he combed my hair like how he knew I wanted him to. I could feel the burning fuss in my eyes. It wanted to run out, to escape the close lids of my eyes.

Maybe he felt my steady breathing and believed that I was really asleep, but what he said before he left made me hold on to anything I was holding on for the past years that we were together. That there was a chance that I wasn’t just the Hyuna that he runs to when he has a problem or the Hyuna that he needs the hug whenever everything is out of control.

“If Maddison and