I'm so afraid of losing them. We're all so close and it's an irrational fear really but it still haunts me. I have dreams where I'm in a room and I have to find them. But I never can. 

I just can't stand the thought of not having them. Especially Jin. Jin keeps me together, Jin lets me know it will be ok. When everything feels wrong I look at Jin's motherly smile and... 

I'm home. 

I don't understand it but everything I write I find inspiration in him. He makes everything feel better to me and I can't explain it.

Just then Tae walked in the room. 

"Whatcha writing Hyung?" 

"Nothing" I said hastily and threw my book to the ground. 

Lately I had been writing more and more in it. I was told it might help with the irrational fear of losing them. I had been going to a therapist in secret for a while now and he had told me that writing out my feelings might help. And it did. For the most part. 

But there were still nights I woke up in a cold sweat and couldn't move or scream. There were still nights that I would hear Jin's voice saying "Find me" echoing in the darkness that had become fear. 

As I was thinking to myself I noticed I was looking at Tae. He noticed too.

"Are you ok joon?"

I nodded and went back to keeping myself busy. I was writing a few things down for lyrics. So far it was all about fear and letting go. I hadn't found a name for it. But that wasn't important yet. 

Don’t