Jungkook was on the verge of blowing a fuse and the fact that Taehyung hyung wasn’t saying anything made it harder for him to hide his anger. He tried to remain still however and followed him onto the older man’s apartment. Painfully taking in the inside of the apartment he somehow wished it wouldn’t be the last time he’ll enter, he sat down on a couch Taehyung hyung invited him to sit on and after coming back with something cold for Jungkook to quench his thirst, he asks once again

“I really wasn’t expecting you here. How did you even get my address?” Jungkook drank a bit of the beverage Taehyung hyung served him and with utmost care, he answers

“Namjoon hyung told me. You were gone for a long time and so I came to see if you were alright. But what happened to you?”

For a short while, Jungkook thought he saw something in those usually cheeky orbs but it was gone so fast, he wasn’t sure what to make of it. Thus, he attentively listens as Taehyung hyung says

“It’s a long story.”

“I’ve got all the time in the world.” Jungkook retorts firmly. He was a bit confused when Taehyung laughed and said out loud

“Somehow I knew you were going to say that. You know, being too nosy can get you in trouble.”

“Am I not allowed to be worried for my mentor?”

Again, there was that emotion, he couldn’t quite put a name on. Frowning deeper, Jungkook was about to repeat his question, but before he could, Taehyung beat him to it and asked

“Do you really want to know?” Only nodding in response, Taehyung flashed him one of his distant look and giving him that smile that he alone had the secret of, he continued

“I told my family I was gay.”

Jungkook was shook. No, he was abashed. Well whatever synonym there was for shock, he was that. He simply couldn’t believe he actually heard that right. Was this some sick joke?

“Hang on what? You told them what?” Jungkook blurted out clumsily, failing to even connect his ear to his brain that very instant. Taehyung gave a sad look and running his fingers through his blond locks, he repeats a more firmly

“I’m gay.”

“Oh.” Again, Jungkook felt stupid for only saying that in response to Taehyung’s obvious inner turmoil. Damn it, what the hell was he doing? He scolds himself.

“Yeah, as you can see my father weren’t so thrill about it.”

“Your father? I thought you said he was on a ship?”

“Yeah, well the odds brought him back exactly when I was doing my coming out. Just my luck huh?” Wait, does it mean that I have my chances? Jungkook couldn’t help but think. He quickly brushed it off though when he was reminded of Ahn. Even if he held no feelings beyond friendship to the girl, he still didn’t have the heart to hurt her. At least, not more than he had already.

“Want to know how I realized I was gay?” Taehyung suddenly asked and Jungkook couldn’t help but look away from the intense look Taehyung gave him. Why was he staring so hard anyway? Eventually he looks up when he hears Taehyung sigh heavily before standing up from the couch and make his way to the glass window who had a great view upon Seoul

“Well first of all, no girl has ever gotten a reaction from me. I was practically indifferent to any of the opposite . It was like I was numb to any of their advances. And then, there was the fact that I always sort of found man more appealing. I wouldn’t say that I am attracted to every man because I’m not. But I do pay more attention to man than with woman I’ve noticed. And finally but not the least, the night you kissed me.” Taehyung whispers the last words finally turning to Jungkook who hadn’t move an inch since Taehyung began talking. Perhaps, it was in fear to miss even the slightest information. But even then, he doubts even hearing things correctly. But the determined look Taehyung gave him told him otherwise. With a lump in his throat, he was struggling with what to say thus Taehyung continued soothingly

“Its ok. I know you were really drunk that night. But the bottom line is, I liked it. A lot actually.”

“What… What do you mean?” Jungkook finally managed to ask. Taehyung gave him one of those affectionate look that used to make his heart flutter but now it only hurt him. That man was really going to be the death of him.

“I like you. What am I saying, the truth is. I fell for you. Don’t ask me how nor when because I don’t really know but I love you. I’m sorry if I’m disgusting you but I wanted you to know. So that I can move on.”

With that being said, Jungkook’s breath caught on his throat when Taehyung leaned over him and after a moment of hesitation and with Jungkook not pushing him away, he gently kisses Jungkook. The kiss was nothing like what they shared before. It was less physically intense but the emotional impact it had on Jungkook was ten times worse than anything he had before. Unconsciously, Jungkook was about to pull Taehyung closer and actually return the kiss, but before he could, Taehyung pulled away and with an apologetic smile, he said

“Now we’re even.” Recalling the time, he had kissed him first, Jungkook was actually going to talk about it but again, he was pushed to the corner with the thought of a certain girl he had involved in his own ploy to remain normal.

“I’m… I’m sorry hyung. But I can’t.” Jungkook finally said. Taehyung who was now a step away from him, lets out a dry laugh and in a soft tone, he said

“Why are you sorry? You didn’t kiss back. Gosh, I didn’t think it would hurt so much to be rejected though. I mean I thought I was prepared for it but I guess we can’t never be prepare to be rejected. Don’t pull that look ok. I’ll be fine. I’m a big boy. Anyway, I’ll be back at work tomorrow so I’ll see you then ok? I’m not throwing you out, I kind of have someone to meet.”

“Wait… Hyung, nothing will change right? I mean, we’ll still be friends right?” The time Taehyung took to answer felt like an eternity to Jungkook. It was only but a minute though. Unaware of the tears threatening to fall, Jungkook’s heart basically broke when Taehyung said halfheartedly

“Yeah. Of course we are. If you’re willing to still be my friend then I’d love to remain yours.”

Jungkook returned home with a heavy heart. He felt like a total loser. But none of this was easy for him too. No, it was better this way. Right? With time, his heartache and longing will eventually disappear, only if he focuses on being normal. But then again, what was the norm to be normal to again? He couldn’t remember with the taste of bliss still lingering on his lips.

The ride home, Jungkook couldn’t remember anything. Nor does he remember when he got the bottle of whisky out of his personal stock and drinking it dry, his back against the wall. He was all over the place and nothing, not even the burning sensation of the liquor managed to get his thoughts in order. Just why the hell does Taehyung hyung have to make his coming out now? What the hell was he supposed to do for goodness sake?

After their heart to heart conversation, or at least it was from Taehyung’s part, things returned to a somewhat normal routine. Taehyung was trying hard to not make things uncomfortable with Jungkook at least. Spending most of his effort in avoiding any types of approach that could lead to unnecessary awkwardness, Taehyung was doing a fairly good job in mending his heartache. Well sort of. His bruises has started to fade and thank goodness they were, because he was starting to run out of excuse.

It’s been months since then and Taehyung was finally getting a break from everything. Mainly with the hospital, the fake smiles and the achingly bitter effort he puts in hiding his jealousy. So far, everything was bearable. And although, he wanted nothing more but get away from these suffocating feelings, Taehyung endured it all silently. But the longer he pretended, number he became. And he hated it so much. Consequently, when they allowed him to have a few days off, he was ecstatic. Obviously, he would only visit his grandfather and mother for his father was still giving him the silent treatment but it was still time for him to rest. Who knows, with a bit of chance, he’ll be able to clear his mind in the time he won’t see Jungkook. It was about time, he decides where to put them in after all. Jungkook had studied cardiology for the very beginning and from the many time, he assisted Taehyung with some of the surgery, he would certainly be an amazing surgeon if he were to work under more specialize colleague. Ahn too wanted to work in the cardiology. Thus, they should be fine moving there. As for Myungjae, he wanted to work in the kids department and so for, he was doing pretty well with kids. So he shouldn’t have much trouble adjusting in the department he wants to be in. Of course, all those transfer will take him a lot of paperwork done therefore those times off will largely suffice for Taehyung to get everything done. On the other hand, he’ll have to talk things out with Jinyoung. She’s the only one who have not written anything about which department she wants to work in. Something, Taehyung was very intrigued to see after all, she was perfectionist. Someone who took extreme care to never leave anything undone. Yet, when she was asked, before doing her residency, to fill out where she wants to be working in, she returned a blank sheet. Taehyung will need to have a word with her then. Perhaps, he’ll call her. Or should he do it after he returns from his vacation? He could do that, but that would slow down the process of transferring the rest of her teammate. He decides then to see her right before he leaves for his day off.

Sitting behind his desk, Taehyung was finishing a bunch of reports on the patients he saw earlier the day when Jinyoung walks into his office after a light knock on the door. The man doesn’t look up. Instead, waves her to take the seat in front of him and after a while, he says

“Do you happen to know why I called you in?”

“Well, it’s about that time of the year right?” Jinyoung blankly answers, her expression frozen to an indifferent one. So very much like her. Taehyung’s lips stretches into a slow smile and closing the book, he was writing in, he questions

“And what is that time of the year?”

“The time the baby birds leave their nest.”

“Oh are you implying that I’m your mother bird?” Taehyung chuckles.

“No. It’s a fact.” Taehyung rolls his eyes at that and handing her a form, he says

“Fill this out. You’re the only one who didn’t fill it out unlike her bird siblings.” Jinyoung smiles at the light note of mockery her mentor did and proceeds to fill out the paper. It took her less than a minute before she returns the paper to Taehyung. Taehyung was taken aback the minute he read what she wrote and he didn’t bother to hide it as his frowns slightly and stopping her just when her hand reaches the doorknob, Taehyung asked

“Hang on, you want to remain in the ER?” Jinyoung nods and replies, finally acting like the woman she was by running her hand in her hair in a shy way

“Yes sir. I’ll be in your care then.” And then she was gone. Taehyung really didn’t expected this. Then again, he should be used of it by now. His interns sure had the knack to surprise him more than he likes to admit. Especially a certain dark haired man. So he shouldn’t be so surprised that someone who was spending so much time with the said man wouldn’t also be contaminated by whatever virus the kid had in shaking Taehyung so much. Sighing heavily, he laid his head back, a content smile still playing on his lips. He was still staring at ceiling, when his phone rang. Glancing down at the device and obviously the ID caller appearing on his phone, he smirks a bit at the recognition. Do Jungwan, he reads. After their little talk about the dog Rufus, they had somehow began just hanging out together. A lot. Taehyung had later on found out that like him, he was having some family issue with who he was. Thus, they would sometime go for a walk simply to talk. And well, for Taehyung, that short moment in which he would just relax and play with a dog as well as just talk about things he himself was trying to wrap his head around, was a huge stress relief for him. They were supposed to go out for dinner tonight. Or at least, Do Jungwan wanted to thank him for all the time, Taehyung took on the role of a counsellor or simply a listener. Honestly, Taehyung didn’t found that to be anything worth an invitation for dinner but Jungwan had insisted. Just one invitation wouldn’t hurt anyway. Pressing the phone to his ear after swiping the screen to the green button, he leans back on his chair and answers

“Yes hello, Jungwan ssi, are you done with your work?”

“Yeah, I called to ask if Italian food would be ok with you.”

“Italian food? Yeah, why not?” Taehyung replies, getting up from his chair and slipping out from his coat, he was about to leave but halts halfway at the sight of the very person, he was trying to put some distance with knocks on his door before walking in. Discreetly, taking in a breath, he waves Jungkook to a seat, which he declines politely, and he continues

“It’s been a while since I’ve actually eaten anything Italian.”

“Great, because I know that great restaurant that does amazing Italian food. Are you done yet with work though? You know, if you’re busy we could do it another day. I know how hectic it must be to be a doctor.” Jungwan says and Taehyung can’t help but scoff at the sudden resigned tone. It sure was the first time that the man he had learn to be determine and shameless to actually sound so acquiescent.

“Oh please, like you actually mean that.”

“Oh crap, here goes my attempt on being a nice guy.”

“Just talk to you later. I’m getting off my shift right now. I’ll call when I get home.”

“Deal.”

With that, Taehyung hangs up and missing the glint of something in Jungkook’s eyes, he asks

“So tell me, what’s going on? Can I help you with something?”

“Where are you going?” Finding nothing strange in answering the younger man, Taehyung hangs his white blouse and with his back turned, he answers

“Home. I’m taking some days off. So if you have any difficulty you can go see Dr Kang. I asked him to help you guys out if anything were to happen. At least, until you get transferred.”

“I actually want to talk about that. Can I remain in the ER? No, actually I want to stay in the ER.” Jungkook deadpans and Taehyung had to force himself to not sigh at the demand. After all, he kind of expected the younger man to do some crazy request. He just sort of wished he wouldn’t ask something like that. Sure, Taehyung could just change the paper and keep him in the ER, but that would be such a waste. Jungkook was so skilled and whatever reason keeping him in the ER just couldn’t be that important, right? Plus, Taehyung didn’t think he’ll be able to keep this mask up for too long. He was drained and Jungkook, unfortunately, doesn’t seem to see it.

“I thought you wanted to be specialized in cardiology? What’s with the change of mind? If it’s Dr Ahn, she’s going there too…”

“Why are you talking about Ahn? This has got nothing to do with her. I just want to stay in the ER. I like it better here.”

Taehyung considers the man for a while. Why… Oh, I see, he muses after a brief pause. Smiling softly at the younger man, he reassures

“Jungkook ah, you have immense talent. I’m not talking about your geniuses. I mean your hands are a gift of God. Of course, it be a loss to let you go but at the same time, you could do immense progress in the cardiology department. I know you will. And if you give it a chance, you’ll see that too. I trust that you have a bigger purpose and it would be shame keeping you here. You should really consider it. And I know it has always been your dream to be cardiologic surgeon. Why give up now?”

Jungkook understood where Taehyung hyung was trying to get to but his mind simply couldn’t fathom it. He wasn’t stupid nor blind. After Taehyung hyung’s confession and his rejection, there was this invisible line that weren’t there before between them. And no matter the amount of effort, Jungkook puts into changing that, Taehyung hyung wouldn’t let him. On one hand he gets why Taehyung hyung was trying so hard to keep things this way but on the other hand, it was killing him. And he hated how selfish he became. Alas, he couldn’t help it. There was a part of him that wants to give in and give Taehyung hyung some space. Obviously that was the sensible voice in his head. But then, there was the other voice in his head. This one, much louder, wanted nothing more but to keep Taehyung hyung in his grasp. It was weirdly obsessive yet, he couldn’t shake it off. Jungkook was seriously going insane and the more he felt like Taehyung hyung was slowly slipping away from his finger. And for that, he had only himself to blame. He was the one who pushed Taehyung hyung away after all, but Jungkook was that kind of idiot. And he was becoming more and more restless and achingly stupid as the day went by. And the more Taehyung hyung seemed like he was moving, the more inconsiderate he becomes. God, this can’t be love, right? How can he want someone so much yet is unable to move in fear to ruin everything. Then again, wasn’t he already doing that?

“Jungkook ah, I’m telling you this as a friend. Don’t make decision based on uncertain feelings. Look, if you really meant what you’re saying, I’ll listen to you. Until then, get used of the idea of you being in the cardiologic department because that’s where you’re going. Don’t forget you can’t lie to me.”

“That’s messed up.” Jungkook says faintly and he hates how unresolved he sounds. But he really can’t help the knot forming in his stomach because Taehyung hyung couldn’t be so wrong. Obviously, Taehyung hyung can’t see through him all that well, if he doesn’t see what really lies in his heart. This is seriously messed, he repeats mentally, his expression decomposing by the minute.

“Listen, whatever that is that makes hesitate, try and ask yourself if it’s worth it. If it’s worth giving up your dream. Don’t rush yourself ok. Just think it through. But for now, I’ll pretend you didn’t say anything.”

Putting on his coat, Taehyung hyung continues

“I have to go. If there’s anything you can either call me or talk it out with Dr Kang. Honestly, he’s a better advisor than I am.”

“Wait, hyung, are…” Interrupting himself, Jungkook sighs

“Nothing. Rest well.” Taehyung looks a bit confused but eventually he smiles and answers

“Thanks.”

Walking out together from the office, Jungkook partly listens to Taehyung hyung talk about some movie he’s been dying to see but couldn’t unfortunately because of work. He had said the name but being the absent minded kid he found himself to be every time he was near Taehyung hyung, he doesn’t register the movie’s title. Eventually, it’ll come back. If he just concentrates more in actually hearing the word than staring at the perfect feature of the other man. Great, he was fanboying now. Really, Jungkook? Really? He irritatingly scolds himself.

As they walk down the hall and to the entrance door, Taehyung hyung says

“You know, you didn’t have to accompany me to the door. I’m pretty sure I could’ve gotten there without getting lost.”

“Oh you wish. I wasn’t really accompanying you. I’m actually supposed to meet Jin hyung here.” Noticing the slight disappointment in Taehyung hyung’s orbs, Jungkook was about to say something, anything to erase the dark emotion in the older man’s eyes, alas before he could Taehyung hyung flashes him his notorious cheeky smile and retorts

“Of course you are. Well, tell him hi for me then. By the way, don’t forget to tell Dr Ahn, that she has to confirm to me if she still wants to be transferred.”

“Why should I tell her that?” Jungkook grimaces in response. Something Taehyung hyung rolls his eyes to.

“Because you’re her man Duh.” He replies like it was the most obvious thing in the world. Chuckling at the exasperated look Jungkook couldn’t help but wear, Taehyung hyung adds

“Don’t be mean. She’s your girl remember. Anyway, I’ll better get going. I’m expected somewhere.” Before Jungkook could even ask who he was meeting, or more importantly if he was going to see him, Taehyung hyung was already far and luckily, Jungkook was being odd enough. This space shouldn’t be such a bad thing. It’ll certainly put his perspective back in order.

Jungkook was so engrossed in watching Taehyung hyung walk away in his nonchalant walk that he doesn’t even see or hear Seokjin Hyung who startles him out of his thought by asking

“Hey. Are you still pining?”

Jungkook sighs humorlessly

“Haha, very funny.”

“No you are funny. I mean, you reject the guy who you clearly are head over heels for and obviously he’s trying to be the good guy and make things not uncomfortable between you two. Yet you make things unbelievably hard by being possessive. Sticking to him, so much that he practically has to take some days off to get his thoughts in order. Jungkook ah, you do know you’re being unfair, right? You’re dating Ahn ssi for normal purposes yet you still pine over a man you fear to admit caring deeply for.”

Jungkook doesn’t answer. It wasn’t anything he hadn’t heard before anyway. Leading him to their usual spot at the rooftop, Jungkook says

“Did you talk with your parents?”

“Nope. They actually sent the chauffeur to try and convince me to go back home. Apparently, people are starting to talk and my whereabouts are being questioned.”

Accepting the bottle of green tea Seokjin hyung was handing him, he wonders

“So what will you do now? Return or continue your life as a renegade?” Seokjin sneers at the adjective

“I think a conversation between us imposes. They need to understand that this ain’t no phase. I want to pursue my happiness and if they don’t get it then I can’t really do much about it.” Jungkook spares him a brief glance in which he just simply wonders if Seokjin hyung was just too brave or stubborn for his own good. Whichever the reasons, he finds it… impressive. After all, unlike Jungkook, Seokjin hyung was brave enough to chase after his happiness. What about him? When will he seize his happiness? Can he even seize it though when he feels so unworthy? Taehyung hyung was just so… So ethereal for him to even consider having. Or maybe he was just too scared Taehyung hyung will one day see the real him. And like him, Taehyung hyung won’t like what he sees. He was honestly just a coward and seriously an for using Ahn to shield himself but things were just so out of hand on his part. He was very much aware of that, and perhaps he should call quits with Ahn but he just never found the right time to do so. It wasn’t like Ahn was some random girl he didn’t care of. And that was even more messed up, for if he cared about her, he wouldn’t be using her at all, but Ahn seem to know. She seems to always see through his lies. Yet, she never confronts him for it. Thus, the cycle continues. Until when though.

“You know, I envy you.”

“Well you should. I’m worldwide handsome.” Seokjin teases brazenly.

“Hyung.” Jungkook whines.

“What? It’s the truth.”

“I don’t even know why I keep talking to you.”

“Because no one else can stand your cowardice, you wimp.”

“I’m not a wimp.” Jungkook retorts vehemently.

“Oh you’re not? Then what do you call someone who lies about his feelings but keep pining over someone he has already rejected? And on top of that, you use a girl to keep yourself from falling into temptation. Jungkook, the truth is nothing is stopping you but yourself. Your biggest enemy isn’t society. It’s you.”

“Do you think I don’t know that?”

“Then why? Jungkook, it’s not easy to find love and even less a love that’s not one sided. You won’t ever find anyone who understands or tolerates you more than Taehyung ah. He’ll be good to you, you know.”

“I know. I just don’t think I’ll be good to him.”

“What are you…?”

“Hyung, you know how I used to be with my previous girlfriends, right? I never did any effort. Even when we broke up, I didn’t feel anything at all. It was always just physical for me and when it was over, I simply looked somewhere else to relieve myself. But do you know what I’m thinking of right now, all because of Taehyung hyung? Sappy things I usually don’t think of. Hyung, do you know how desperate I am every time I look at him? I don’t even feel sane most of the time. Gosh, I don’t feel sane. As time goes by, this feelings that I have bother me even more. And even if Taehyung hyung would be a great lover, I’m not confident enough to just throw away the life I have. I’m sorry hyung, call me a coward but I’m just not ready to enter a world that society don’t consider being in the norm.”

“Do I look abnormal to you then?”

“Hyung you know what I mean?”

“No, the only thing I’m getting from everything you’ve just say is that you haven’t grown one bit. Jungkook, let me ask you something. Will you not regret your choice? Ever?”

Jungkook doesn’t answer. The answer was pretty obvious anyway. He was just too stubborn to admit it.