The nurse didn’t call my mother. I made a deal that I’m going to tell her myself.  I promised I won’t get her fired. I asked her to give me time for at least three days. She was hesitant at first but she agreed after mulling it over for half an hour.

xxx

     I passed by the coffee shop where Jiyong and I usually meet. Our usual table beside the glass wall is empty. I miss it. I miss the moments. Both the happy and ugly ones.

     I found myself drinking soju in a food stall. I changed into casual attire because who would give me liquor if I’m dressed in my school uniform. They didn’t ask for an ID which is good.

     Two bottles down.

     I can feel my face rather than see it become red. The background is blurred from the tears welling up on my eyes.

     Three bottles down.

     I started asking questions to myself. Is there really a God? If there is a God, then why did he put me on such a hard time? Why do I have to experience all the ugly things?

     Three and a half.

     I guess I’m not much of a drinker. I’m scrolling through my phone, scrolling through their numbers back and forth.

     I pressed call. He answered on the second ring. I told him where I am right now and he said okay.

     Will he go here? Or he’s tired of me? Yeah, why would someone pick me? I’m a horrible, horrible person.

     Four bottles down.

     My hair is a mess. My head is spinning. The background is a blur. My eyes are shut from crying so much. I know I’m drunk and I know that he’s not here. He’ll never be here.

     I walked, not in a straight line for I can’t keep my balance. My head is spinning, my heart is crying, my soul is tired, I want to die.

     “Jesus Christ!” He yelled as he run towards me. He caught me just in time. My knees are weak. I am liquid. I can’t stand alone.

     But, he really came.

     He put my hair back and we sat on the near waiting shed. I am still crying. My knuckles are white from gripping his shirt so tight. My head is on his chest, listening to his heartbeat. How can his touch affect me so much? Every place his hand touched burns.

     “How much did you drink?” He asked. He is still touching my arms for support. Because tonight, I am liquid. I am flowing.

     “Enough to fill the void in my heart.” And then I cried harder not because I’m sad but because I come to realize that I already love this person. He kind of grew on me. Like a wildflower. He grew on the cracks of my broken heart.

     “Oh, God, Jieun! Stop crying!” He’s not pissed. He pities me.

     “You deserve more than you think you should.” I managed to say. I’m still in my position, not wanting to look at his brown eyes. The eyes that knew the real me from the very start. The eyes that didn’t judge me even if I was in the wrong. The eyes of the person I do not deserve.

     He moved me a few inches away from him so he can look at my face. Both of his hands are on the side of my arms while he examines me. He’s watching me but not judging me. I hate being watched.

     I like that he is watching me.

     “Bullsh*t!” He screamed, and how he’s mad. Good thing there’s no one in the waiting shed. It is late. I can barely see him. My eyes are sore.

     “I’m sorry.” I whispered and there was a silence. The loudest silence I’ve ever encountered.

     He runs his left hand on his hair out of frustration. “Why do you keep running away?” He asked. He placed his forehead on mine. His voice is weak, hurt and sad.

     He has questions and I have the answers.

     He sighed, “Why can’t you just let me in?” I removed his hands off me and I wrapped my arms around him. This boy is crying.

     He is crying.

     For me. For him. For this love that will never happen.

     I let go of him and buried my face on my hands. “I don’t want to ruin you. Everything I’m involved in is ruined. My family and my friends. I don’t want to take happiness away from you. I don’t want to be selfish. Jiyong, you deserve more. You do not deserve someone like me. I’m a mess. I don’t want to break your relationship with everyone else. And love… doesn’t really work well for me.”

     His hands travelled from my arm, to my neck and to my cheeks. They’re warm. They burn. I cried harder.

     “That’s BS. You’re being selfish by deciding for the both of us. Do you really know what I feel about you? Do you know how you have affected me?” He lowered his head watching his tears get absorbed by his denim jeans.

     “How can I love you if I can’t even love myself?” I asked. It was a rhetorical question. My tears cannot be stopped.

     Tonight, we’re both liquid. We’re both weak. We have ourselves out in the open. And tonight, I realized that his heart is as broken as mine.