Haneul’s POV

     Sipping my fifth shot of tequila at a bar and I still remember how Seohyun dumped me. I need more to forget it even if it’s just for a while. I scrolled through FB Messenger and I read our conversation from the top, from when we first met.

     I was in middle school and I was going home from school and I happened to pass by a girl sitting on the pavement crying. It was pretty dark already and I was concerned because her face was already swollen and she was not wearing a coat or a jacket of some sort and it was winter.

     “Are you okay?” I asked her but she won’t stop crying. Everyone who passed by us was cursing me under their breath. I don’t even know this girl!

     “H-hey, stop crying. Uhh… are you lost? Are you hungry?” I asked and then she looked at me. She was so pale and she had short hair that made her look like a child. Judging from what she was wearing, she was my schoolmate. I thought she was going to stop but then she cried even harder.

     “Hey! Why are you picking on a girl?!” A guy asked me and he was about to hit me but the girl stopped him.

     “Mister, he didn’t do anything wrong.” She sniffed and the guy just shook his head and walked away. Phew!

     “I’m sorry I caused you trouble.”

     Oh, so she can talk. “Whatever. But, what are you doing here? Are you lost?” I asked.

     She fidgeted on her seat and was unsure if it’s okay to tell me. But she did. She told me about her parents having a divorce. Her house was just two blocks away from mine and so I walked her home. I let her burrow my coat since it was getting colder.

     We were standing outside their house and then she gave the coat back. The light from the moon made her face more beautiful. Her eyes were puffy and so was her face. And then she smiled and her eyes smiled too. It was a beautiful view.

     “See you at school.” She smiled at me and waved. I waved back without thinking and then she kissed my cheek and then she ran inside their house. My heart was beating like crazy. I haven’t experience being kissed by a girl. And it made me blush. All of a sudden, snow fell from the sky and it was just like in movies.

     The next day, I found myself searching for her. I didn’t even know her name. I was looking through the windows when she popped up and she was the opposite of her last night. She was smiling but her face was still swollen.

     I said hi and I was so shy because I didn’t even deny the fact that I was looking for her. The bell rang and I didn’t have the chance to talk to her. She mouthed “Lunch” and I knew what that meant.

     It was lunch and I was sitting with my friends patiently waiting for her. And then there she was, smiling with the tray on her hands. My friend, Cheol, then whispered to me that he likes her. The girl with the wide smile on her face. I looked at him and he seemed eager to talk to her. “I’m gonna make Jieun mine.”

     “Jieun? That girl with the bloated face?” I asked him and he nodded. Oh, so her name is Jieun.

     Jieun waved at me and I was about to wave back but Cheol waved back instead. She laughed at him and continued to talk with her friend.

     “Man, I can’t believe she waved at me. Girls these days are hitting on me. Damn.” He boasted and I just ignored this egoistic, narcissistic person.

     Throughout lunch, I can’t help but look at her. Was she pretending to be all right?

     “Hey can you set me up with Jieun? Like, lock us up. Idk, maybe in a room so I can talk to her?” He asked and I was so pissed at the thought. But I can’t just ignore him because he is my senior. I just nodded without looking at him.

     We did the plan and I set him up with Jieun. After that day, they seemed close enough and I lost the chance to talk to her.

     I was in the library doing my homework when a girl sat beside me. I looked at her and it was Jieun’s friend. The one who was always beside her.

     She smiled at me and said, “I’m sorry. I was just going to ask you about your friend and Jieun.”

     “Ah, yeah. They seemed pretty close.” I responded as I went back to writing notes.

     She sighed in disappointment. “I hate that guy. I am Jieun’s best friend but I feel like we’re drifting apart.”

     “Geez. They’re like talking for about three days. Chill.”

     “Yeah, whatever. I’m Seohyun by the way.”

     “Haneul.”

     And since then, we always go to library together and it was like magic. My attention shifted from Jieun to Seohyun. She was just a simple girl. She was quiet and sassy at times. But I found happiness with her. And that sparked my feelings towards her.

     Two weeks have passed and we’re like dating unofficially. We were holding hands, going out, eating together.

     And then one night, she was waiting outside my house.

     “What are you doing here?” I asked as I noticed her shaking from the cold. “And why are you not wearing a jacket?”

     She sniffed. “So, you two are dating?”

     “Who? Me and Seohyun?” I asked.

     “Yeah.”

     “Sort of but not officially.” I smiled shyly.

     And then it shocked me because she was crying.

     “Oh boy, why are you crying? Is it because of your parents again?” This time I was already holding her arms and levelled my face to hers so I can examine her face. It was already puffy.

     “Why her? Why Seohyun?”

     “What do you mean?” I was so confused. Did I do anything wrong?

     “You had a crush on me. I felt it. I saw the way you look at me. The way you smile during lunch while looking at me. I saw you searching for me in classrooms. The way your voice shakes when you’re with me. I know because I felt the same way too.”

     “W-What? But, you and Cheol are going out, right?”

     “No! I was waiting for you to ask me out. I was waiting for you to get jealous, I don’t know!”

     I brushed my hair with my fingers. I can’t believe this is happening. Why now? Why is she confessing all of these when I’m 'going out' with her best friend?

     “I am so disappointed because I thought someone cares for me. Someone who was concerned and didn’t mind my puffy face. I thought it was you. And now, I am asking you to go out with me.” She asked and she put her hands on my cheeks.

     “You’re cold! Why are you not wearing a jacket every time I bumped into you?” I hissed.

     “Because I was expecting you to put your coat around me just like you did when we first met.”

     “I can’t, Jieun. I am going out with your best friend now and you’re going out with Cheol. Let’s just be friends.” I tried to console her but she cried harder than before.

     “I’m... sorry, Jieun.”

     A week passed and the smile on her face was gone. I was on my way home from a convenience store when I saw a girl standing on the edge of a bridge above the river. As I got closer, I found out it was Jieun.

     “Jieun!” I called out and she turned her head to me. I was slowly walking towards her, trying my best not to scare her.

     She was crying and she looked so sad. “My parents are separated and now my dad is dying! I am losing everything including you. I just want to end this sh*tload of suffering!”

     “No!” I shouted as I ran towards her. She was about to jump and I managed to stop her by hugging her.

     “Killing yourself is not the solution to your problems. I am here.” I patted her back to calm her down. And that was the time when Jieun claimed me as her boyfriend. She said it was all right even if I am seeing Seohyun. I can’t say no to her because I’m scared she’d take her own life. I thought this will be gone because we were just in middle school. We were so young to know what is love. But I was wrong. Because up until in high school, I was still in a relationship with the both of them and now I don't know the reason. It's not because Jieun is suicidal or not because of Seohyun. Maybe I liked the feeling. I liked being with the both of them. 

     I was an as*hole for being unfaithful.

     The impact of a punch woke me up and it was Jiyong glaring at me.

     “What the heck?” I yelled. The bouncers were already approaching.

     “Stay away from Jieun. Don’t talk to her again. Don’t build her up just to crush her again. Or else, you’re dead. Got it?”

     The security threw Jiyong out of the bar and I sat on the stool. I didn’t notice I drank seven shots and I’m still sober. This is really a punishment to me for being a jerk. I unlocked my phone only to find Jieun left three missed calls. Oh boy, what is it this time? I deleted the call log and blocked her number. It’s for the best.

im sorry for not being able to update for so long

:(( school was keeping me from updating

pls dont hate me and pls send love :>

ily all

will update soon