I got off the taxi cab and the first thing I heard today was about my mother's charity work. I guess she's doing more charity work in case my photos get published online. She wasn't at the house earlier but she left a note in the fridge saying 'get your sh*t together.'

     The teachers gave us the whole day to fix everything on our booth because tomorrow is the school's festival. Our club was recognized because we recruited four more girls but they're basically a decoration and they order coffee for us. They love it though. Being a member of our club will make you more popular. I hated the idea of recruiting them because they were always watching me. I hate being watched because what if they caught me cheating? It would be a juicy gossip and I'll no longer be an 'angel' and my mom will definitely disown me. I can't bear with that. But now it is really happening.
     We were at the club room, eating Mcdonalds when Jessica started speaking. "I can't believe y'all eating that junk. And I'm reminding you that tomorrow is the festival day, we need to make sure everything's perfect. Okay girls?"
     "Okay!" The girls replied.
     I don't really have the apetite and I feel physically and emotionally drained. I don't have the energy for tomorrow's event and my eyes are still puffy from crying. I tried using ice and covering it with concealer but to no avail. The girls noticed it but they decided not to ask. Because they know I was going to say 'Mom' and they all understood.
     "You're staring outside the window for quite a while now plus your eyebags have bags. Do you want to tell me what's wrong or do you have to say something to me?" Seohyun smiled, offering me her chocolate sundae.
     "No thanks." I smiled. "And, I don't have the apetite."
     "Are you sure you're okay? Jieun, I am your best friend and we've known each other for a long time. If you have something to say to me, I'll listen. And I will try to understand you because we are best friends. I love you and I trust you." She smiled weakly at me as she pats my back. 

     No. Don't trust me.

     I didn't respond and looked up the sky. 
     "Also, your mom loves you." She added. I heaved a sigh. I am so tired of hearing something about my mom. I hate it.

xxx

     After school, the girls bid good bye. We finished perfecting the booth too. I was booking an Uber when I received a text from Jiyong. He said he's waiting at the rooftop and he will really send it to Seohyun if I ditch him.
     Dealing with him right now is too much for me to handle and it's so hard to face him right now because I am so ashamed of myself. Those words he said last night was true and it was an eye-opener.
     I locked my cellphone without replying. I started walking towards the school's gate. After a few minutes, I heard someone shouting my name. I looked around to see who that was and when I looked up, it was Jiyong waving his hands in the air. "Wait for me! I'll go over there!" He shouted when he saw me looking at him.
I was contemplating if I should walk away or face him. But I decided to stay because it's time to face the music. I can't hide forever and it's definitely time to end this stupid deal with him.
     After a few minutes, he came. He was panting. "I'm glad you didn't walk away." He uttered under his breath.
     "Talk." I said coldly. I am so tired.
     "Look." He held my arms. "I'm sorry for what I've said last night. I didn't mean it. I wasn't myself last night. I just said that because you hit a nerve. I talked before I could even think. I am so sorry, Jieun."
     "No. You're right. I'm also ending this stupid deal with you. I'm going to come clean. I am so tired of obeying your orders like I am a slave. I am so tired of you making me feel like sh*t!" I yelled and I thank God because most of the students went home and no one will hear about this drama. I didn't wait for his response. I went back to the school building. It's now or never.
     "Jieun, don't!" He shouted but he didn't try to stop me.

     I texted Haneul to meet me at the rooftop after their football practice. I didn't expect him to answer. He hasn't been in touch with me these past few days. He said it was because of the game and Seohyun was hanging out with him most of the time. And his excuse last time was that he's sick. I feel so stupid because I was thinking what if he doesn't want me anymore? 
     An hour passed and then I saw Haneul at the door. His hair still wet from sweat.
     "I'm sorry I didn't get to shower. I rapidly came here after reading your text. You look upset. Everything okay?" He asked as he kissed me in the cheek. I'm surprised that he talks now. 
     "H-help me." I said but it was almost like a whisper. 
     "What? Is there something wrong? Are you sick?" He asked and then he examined my face. He squeezed my hand and it was so warm.
     "Us. This is wrong. Why don't we come clean? It's been a year and we're still a secret. Why don't we just--"
     He sighed, "I told you to wait."
     "For how long? Soon, she'll know about us and we'll be caught off guard. I am so tired. Really. So so tired." 
     "We're not having this conversation right now, Jieun. I know you're exhausted because of the school's festival but I am beat from the game practice too. I can't deal with this right now." He responded, letting go of my hand. 
     I looked up towards the sky in an effort to stop the tears from streaming down my face. "You..." An exasperated sigh escaped my mouth. "You don't even know how much I'm struggling. Someone out there knew about us, my mom controlling me like a ing chess piece and all these school events and keeping my reputation for my mother's sake... What if Seohyun accidentally found out about us cheating on her? What if rumors spread and I ruin my mom's campaign? You know how it is. Her reputation is more important than her own daughter. And I don't ever get a single text from you these past few days. I need to initiate a conversation to get you to talk to me! You've been giving me the cold shoulder! Stop being an assh*le for once and listen to me!" I cried my eyes out after telling him everything that's bottled up inside me. There was a long pause. 
     "I'm sorry. It will be okay." He hugged me while patting my head.
     "It's not okay!" I pushed him hard enough so I can see his face. I searched for his eyes but he wasn't looking at me. "Let's come clean. Haneul, I can't lie anymore." 
     Silence filled the open room. It was open but I felt like it was shrinking, squeezing me tightly to the point where I can't breathe. He was staring at the ground for a long time now. Every second felt like a knife stabbing my heart. 
     "You love me more than her, right?" I touched his face and turned it in my direction so he's looking at me. "I'm sure she'll understand. I am her best friend."
     I held his arms but his eyes are not looking in mine. Again.
     Tears finally started streaming down my face because I felt like he didn't want the idea and then he said, "I can't."
     "What are you talking about? What do you mean you can't? What about those stolen moments? Kissing in a public place? Secretly meeting here in this damned place?" Questions escaped my throat as I shook his arms. And again, there was no response.
     "You told me you love me but why does everytime I talk about telling Seohyun the truth, you're all clammed up?" I yelled as I threw my arms in the air. "One second you're all over me but why is it that when it comes to her, you shut down?!" I shouted with everything I had left to give.
     "I just ing can't!" He shouted back without explaining and then he left me there crying.
     All of the memories we made vanished and it was replaced with jealousy, doubt and disappointment. Questions clouded up my mind and my heart was shattered to pieces. And all I can do in that moment is cry, cry and cry.