The only good thing that happened after the failed ambush was that I won the competition against Yerin’s textbook. She did not have to read anymore.

However, she started ruminating about what the Academy was up to, to the point that when Umji was asleep, she continued the prying activities. We didn’t train nor do field missions, nonetheless, every time was a bad time to do anything romantic. But in spite her never-ending preoccupation with everything that was not me, it was still fortunate that I could stay close to her without the fear of being smacked in the head by a paperback.

She was the center of the crisis and her life was under the gun cursor, but she was empathic to understand how much I wanted to spend time with her. There were nights when I begged her to just rest, tempting her with the comfort of a queen-size bed and my hypnotic embrace. She never budged to the temptation, but she asked me to get a chair so I could sit next to her while she worked. It was just a blessing that one night, I slid off to the floor because I couldn’t stay awake; after that, she transferred to the bed, her back propped against the headboard all night, with the laptop, of course, on her lap. I, on the other hand, tried ten thousand different positions just to stay physically in contact with her, patiently waiting for her to get tired and take a respite. She barely did, but I never complained.

A lot of times, I sat too while watching her do whatever job Umji left for her to finish, and I doze off leaning on her shoulder. That was my favorite position. Because when I fell asleep, my head inevitably rolled down her heavenly chest. Yes, inevitably! And then she just cradled me with her strong arm and rested my head comfortably on the side of her neck, like how she did when we slept on the hospital sofa, only now, we were sitting.

I remember that very night when I sought Eunha’s advice, Yerin and I were in the same position. And probably due to the residual effects of the 6 bottles of beer, I felt daring and tried the art of grabbing. Eunha said there was no telling when it will happen and so, I thought it could as well be that night.

Yerin was transcribing certain codes while Umji was in the shower. She was typing everything using one hand, because the other held me while I rested lethargic on her shoulder, with my heavy breaths still reeking of alcohol. She didn’t question why we ended up drinking, she just took care of me. And during that blurry moment of my life, my disinhibition skyrocketed and without much thinking (obviously), I grabbed her right over her white shirt. There was nothing decent about that horrendous display of impulsivity, except that I managed not to do anything more disgraceful than that.

And of fcking course, like Swiss clockwork, Umji came back to the room just in time to uproot the last straw of dignity that still remained in me. I knew that second that I’ve made the most idiotic mistake of my life.

According to Umji, Yerin’s reaction was priceless. It seemed to her that she has forgotten to exhale after breathing deeply to the feel of my thoughtless grasp; she appeared like she didn’t know if she’d remove my hand, or let it stay, or offer the other or just straightaway shoot me dead. I too, felt her freeze and it made me all the more nervous.

“What’s with your face? Like you got caught in a y trap.” Of course, Umji would mention the pun we all didn’t need to hear.

Caught red-handed by my closest, soul-crushing friend who never falls short of humiliating me, I had to defend myself.

“I… ahh… was dreaming.” Okay, that wasn’t the best defense. It wasn’t even a good excuse. No, it’s not even an excuse! I’m so screwed.

“Did you perhaps dream that you were… rock climbing?” She was not within my line of vision but I could feel Umji’s abrasive smirk through her words.

“Or that you were playing with a stress ball?” . I totally forgot that Yuju was with us, in the same bed even, because true to her declaration that night, Eunha kicked her out of their room to pursue her ‘practice’ with Sowon. Oh boy, you wouldn’t believe how loud Umji had to blast the music just so we wouldn’t hear Eunha scream through the walls.

“No! That I was falling. I dreamt I was falling.” That was a better alibi. It’s pure reflex that one grabs onto anything when one falls, right???

There was awkward silence until Yerin asked in sheer confusion, “A-Are you still dreaming...?”

. That’s when I realized that I was still grabbing onto her and she was looking at how my fingers shamelessly dug into her clothed chest.

“NO! NO!” I jumped off her shoulder and I was suddenly completely sober. I stood up and took a cold shower.

After that night, I was careful to keep my hands off her torso; so, most of the time, I pacify my impatience by just lying beside her, competing for a position against that ever-present computer. If I was lucky, I usually get to sleep snuggling the side of her waist smothering myself with her body’s eternally fresh scent. Eunha was right. Sometimes, I felt like the yearning to hold her was uncontrollable. She was not even an inch away but my heart ached that I could not spend time with her the way I wanted to.

I don’t know where this hormone hike is coming from. Before I joined their group, I was certain that I was straight, preference-wise, in spite Eunseo’s constant reiteration of my [according to her,] ‘gender swerving’ tendencies. But I'm certain that when I saw Yerin that day in the shooting range, all that certainty went straight down the drain.

* * *

Everyone seemed to recuperate fairly well from the incidents while we continued to prepare for the next phase after Umji completes the infiltration of the Academy’s database. Every move was done in utmost prudence. The mission was progressing slowly but going according to plan.

Eunha was healing quicker than expected, possibly because of her rekindled romance with our now oddly lenient leader. Yuju, who apparently has been commissioned by Uncle JD following the first assault, continued with her activities to help accelerate Umji’s mission. Lastly, Sowon and I manned the surveillance monitors and ensured everyone’s safety, especially Yerin who has been stubborn with keeping contact with my future mother-in-law. Umji stuck a tracer inside her phone case; she secretly did so under Sowon’s orders. It was the only way we could help bar her from danger because she insisted on going out alone to prevent risking the lives of other members in case the Academy found her.

There was just one thing I found inconsistent with how Yerin behaved after the attack in the hospital. Everyone expected her to wage war and instigate a reckless counterattack like how she would if anyone made a mistake of crossing her or the members. But after the full debriefing, she was strangely calmer and more calculative with how she approached the situation.

Umji, however, observed something more puzzling. She was surprised by how much information Yerin knew about the Academy even before they got deeper into subverting their firewall. A few times, Umji consulted Sowon and Uncle JD about certain details ingrained within the organizational structure of the syndicate, but the both of them didn’t know any more than what Yerin have already divulged. But like always, we did not dare to ask her.

* * *

“What’s that?” Umji only spoke two words but it felt like she already insulted my entire existence, together with three generations of ancestral lineage before me.

“A hair tie…?”

“That’s not a hair tie.” Sowon said while touching the hair tie around my wrist.

“Eonnie, it’s a hair tie.” I took it off and showed how elastic it was. “See?”

“What on flaming hell is that?” Eunha walked into the kitchen holding a glass half-filled with orange juice. She took a chair to the small table and sat with both her legs on Sowon’s thighs.

“It’s an alleged hair tie.” Umji responded.

“Are you serious??”

In a span of 30 seconds, I felt insulted for the second time, but now by Eunha.

“YES. What else would it be??”

“Looks like something that can deflect lightning, if you ask me.” That was Sowon commenting on how glittery the hair tie was. Later on, I learned it was called a 'scrunchy,' and mine was elaborately decorated with large sequins and shiny beads. “Why do you need that anyway? You barely tie your hair. I mean, assuming that it’s really a hair tie. Hehe!”

I saw Eunha snicker from behind the glass that obscured the full view of her face.

“Eunha-eonnie is at fault in that. Because according to her, SinB would need that for her future ic endeavors.” Umji replied raising an eyebrow.

“Haha! You’ll never get laid with how glittery that is.”

“That’s the most anti-climatic hair tie ever made in the history of hair tie making.”

“Eonnie! You just said hair tie. You didn’t specify what I should get!”

“Precisely.” Umji chimed in. “She only said hair tie, not a lightning rod disguising as a hair tie.”

“Fine.” I removed the scrunchy and threw it on the floor. “So, tell me, what should I get??”

“Here. Take this, I have ten thousand of these.” Sowon handed me the thin black hair tie that she just pulled off her wrist.

“Just this?!”

“Yeah…! Just that! What did you think you would need??”

“I don't know! Eunha-eonnie did not tell me what I need it for!”

The three of them stared at me like I committed a heinous crime, before they yelled in unison, “TO TIE YOUR HAIR!”

“Geez… calm down. Okay, to tie my hair.” I actually still didn’t get it that time but I always kept the tie around my wrist like it was a bracelet.

“What’s this? A crushed disco ball?” Yerin picked up the abandoned scrunchy from the floor.

“AHHHH…” Sowon glanced at me deviously. “That’s SinB’s. She needs that for her organic endeavors.” She was grinning ear to ear but the only response she got from my future girlfriend was a pair of furrowed brows.

Yerin dropped the mortifying hair ornament on the table and returned to the room with a glass of water.

“Why didn’t she laugh at my punch line??”

“Babe, it’s or-gas-mic, not organic.”

“Aiiiiishhh... That’s why… Tsk.”

That was one of the times I appreciated how smart Sowon was in a very dyslexic way.

“Oh well… Anyway, SinB-yah, how was the grabbing the other night?? I heard you were dreaming… Hehe.”

“UMJI-YAAAAAAAAAAAH!!”

“Yelling my name with such an accusatory tone is an insinuation that I am a rumor-monger. It's rude and obnoxious.”

“Whatever you actually said, yes. Yes, you are.”

“Oh, excuse my intellect. But no, the information about your appalling audacity and unceremonious grappling of Yerin-eonnie’s private part did not come from me.”

It was Yuju. Because Yerin would never share anything like that.

"So, was it soft...?!"

She didn’t expect it to be hard, did she?!

That morning, like all the other mornings before it, the humiliating conversation went on, mostly with Sowon trampling my slowly vanishing self-respect.

* * *

It was already Thursday when Eunseo and I have finalized the big day. She kept on complaining that it was laborious but she was still able to setup the place given such a limited time. Though Eunha didn’t know entirely the reason for Friday’s date, she helped me with what she assumed I needed to do and say. There were times that I wanted to admit everything to Sowon so I could consult her about what I should do, but somehow, she steered clear of the whole preparation, hence, I couldn’t.

In spite her preoccupation with helping Umji, Yerin agreed to go out with me after withstanding weeks of distress. It would actually be our first date since she consented to it during that mayhem at the parking lot.

I only asked her the day before because it took me a while to overcome the hesitation before I found the courage to set my mind firmly on my untimely revelation-slash-proposal. It was going to happen. I was running out of time. It had to happen.

“Yerin-eonnie...”

“Hmm?”

“I-I know that the timing is a bit off, but… W-Would you like to go out with me?” If you only heard me, I sounded like a shy, clumsy high school boy.

“I thought we weren’t allowed to be in public?” She answered rashly while rewriting a sequence algorithm they were about to try. Her words felt like rejection.

“Is that… your way of saying… no?” I became more apprehensive.

She probably felt the subtle despair in my voice because she dropped the pen and turned her body completely to my direction. I suppressed a smile by biting my inner cheek.

“Did I sound like I rejected your invitation?”

I just pouted and absentmindedly stared at her hands that laid on my knees. I noticed her nails were short. They were always short. Hmmm…

“SinB-yah… Are you asking me out on a date?”

I looked up and nodded.

“Well then, soothe yourself...” She smiled. “Was that the response you wanted to hear?”

Before I could agree, she leaned closer and kissed me lightly, almost just a peck. But that time, I was quick to react and I held her shoulder to stop her from pulling away. In a matter of seconds, our lips were in a heated clash. It didn’t matter how long we kissed; the moment I felt her, she already got me dazed and lightheaded. We suddenly became too engrossed that I couldn’t explain exactly how I ended up sitting on her lap and her hair got all disheveled after. We were that absorbed in each other.

The taste of her lips consistently made me lose myself in a blissful wonderland. It was bliss that travelled from my lips, to my head, down my toes and to some other places. It always felt like it was the first time we ever kissed.

But the kissing ended when the inevitable excitement took over me. I managed to keep holding onto her shoulders to prevent my hands from wandering elsewhere, but I started making weird sounds. She laughed at me and I had nothing else to do but to also laugh at myself. But the embarrassment was short-lived because she hugged me immediately after.

“So, when are we going out on our first date?”

First date. It sounded so sweet when she said it; there was even a hint of anticipation in her question. On the other hand, I was shaking to the fact that she didn't know that it won’t be an ordinary first date. “Is 4:30pm tomorrow alright? I want to take you somewhere special. We don’t have to worry about being in public.”

“Four thirty is fine. Do I need to wear something fancy?”

After that kissing bout, I wanted to say, “You don’t need to… wear anything.” I could totally imagine my future self saying that when we become more comfortable.

“SinB-yah?”

. I was daydreaming and she caught me.

“Uhh, eonnie, no! You don’t need to wear something...” I waited for my brain to say the last word to make my statement upright and appropriate. But the word took forever to come out. Come on, brain...

Say it.

Say something.

Any word!

Anything!

But the blushing that tinted Yerin’s cheeks just made my mind spiral into a greater wayward impulsivity.

“No, eonnie! I mean, don’t wear anything.” Still wrong. Clearly, my future self couldn’t wait; it just had to make a premature debut at a very crucial moment.

Just when I thought I’ve passed the stage where I couldn’t control what escaped my mind in front of Yerin. History does repeat itself… For me, however, it repeats itself over and over. I am worse than Sowon with words. At least she’s usually just mistaken with a few letters, not an entire sentence!

But I was more caught off guard by her response.

“Do you… want me to take my clothes off… now?” I swear she was dead serious, looking into my eyes.

“W-Will you?” I answered nervously while preventing myself from drooling.

“Do you… want me to?”

I didn’t think five words could cause a heart attack.

“Y-Yes…?”

“Okay… But…” Then she bit her lip. She was a tease that night. “…You have to step out for a minute.”

My head was spinning that time and I just nodded vigorously. All I know was that I was palpitating and I almost tripped on my way out.

I got out of the room with lightning speed and waited by the door.

But she did not take off anything.

She just tricked me and locked me out.

SB: Eonnie, I’m sorry. I won’t say anything like that again.

YR: I forgive you.

SB: Will you let me in now? I promise, I won’t bother you anymore.

YR: You’re sleeping on the sofa tonight.

SB: Eonnie, I’m sorry…

YR: Btw, you’re cute when you stutter.

SB: I can be cuter! Please let me in?

YR: No.

SB: Pleaseeeeeee, eonniiiiiiiiiiiiiiiieeeeee… :’(

She just read the message and did not open the door, except for Umji.

I slept in the living room that night; again, inducing amnesia of my conversation with her. Eventually, I convinced myself that it was better that I was not in Yerin's presence, because I used that time to rehearse what I needed to tell her the next day.

* * *

It was quarter past four in a strangely breezy and cloudy July afternoon. The chilly wind badgering my face did not help with my effort to control the nerve while I waited for Yerin by the car. Summer was miserably failing at being summer.

I almost squealed when she came out, like I was a fan waiting outside some building for her. She had her hair neat on a French braid and she wore a simple light blue full skirt dress. One could only mistake her for a doll or an idol; I would have never thought that she was a professional assassin.

“I’m sorry, I had a hard time looking for a bag for my gun.”

Nope, she was definitely a grade A assassin.

“Uhhh… We might not need one, but yeah, to be prepared and safe.” I was the only one who felt unsafe knowing she brought a gun.

“We’ll never know when we’ll need one.”

“You’re right. Shall we?” I didn’t open her door because I knew it was uncharacteristic of her to wait for anyone to do things for her. She was not into those unnecessary display of gallantry according to Eunha.

“Where to?” She asked after pulling the door shut.

“Somewhere really special to me.” I pushed the ignition switch before I saw Eunha waving from the front door. “We’ve known each other for a few months now, eonnie, but we really haven’t shared stuff about ourselves. So, I kind of wanted to show you a part of me.” It might have sounded romantic to anyone who would listen; but deep inside me, I was scared.

I took her hand before heading out the parking lot. “Eonnie, thank you for agreeing to a date with me.”

“Did I forget to tell you that I like you?” Yerin jested before she entwined our fingers tightly.

“And I like you too… so much, eonnie.” I still don’t know how I did not crash that car with all the fluttering that happened inside my chest.

It was a bit of a long drive to where I took Yerin. Eunseo complained about the remoteness of the location, but she agreed completely that it was the most appropriate place to tell Yerin everything. I was never able to decide which one had to be done first: the proposal or telling her about my identity. But I felt it was unfair proposing to her while she was oblivious of who I truly am.

Before I fell in love with her, my only reason for regrouping their team was to use them to get closer to the Academy. I may have literally helped them financially but I was still using them, putting them in danger even; and it wasn’t a very impressive way to start a relationship with her or with anyone. The guilt was suffocating especially when I remember Yerin telling me that she liked me the first time she saw me in the veranda. She already liked me while I was just preoccupied with devising a plan on how to utilize their skills to ruin my father.

We drove in comfortable silence while I glanced at her every so often as she gazed at the view outside. She looked gentle and delicate. She was different from the Yerin I met in that modest balcony who didn’t want a handshake, and instead threw fatal glares at me. She held my hand firmly while I drove; she was not anymore cold and afraid to show how she felt. She was smiling. She wasn’t the silent and aloof university student who avoided human contact and conversations. She was a different person especially around me.

“Where are we going?” She sounded uneasy more than curious, probably because of the length of our travel.

“I’m sorry, it’s quite a drive. I wanted to show you something, actually some place. Like I said, it’s special to me and I wanted you to get to know me better through it.” I practiced those lines the previous night but it was still hard saying them without my voice shaking. “Why, eonnie? Are you becoming bored?”

“Ahh no… No, I’m not bored. I just thought the area is a little familiar.”

“Oh yeah? We’re actually near. Are you hungry?”

“No, I ate a piece of bread before we left.” Aside from her occasional humming responses, that was the last thing Yerin said throughout the remainder of the drive.

Her hand was cold and she grew more and more silent as we approached the place. I was becoming afraid that she was not liking the idea of me doing something unconventional. Or did she have an inkling that I was going to propose?

I parked in front of the deserted building and I suddenly realized that it was probably the worst idea to take her there. What was I thinking??

I took Yerin to an old shooting range. Seriously, what was I thinking?! But it was the only place I thought could help me make her see my happy childhood and how my world gradually turned into a hideous monstrosity because of my father. I felt the unease in the air, but I could not back out. I just hoped that she would be more comfortable once we start eating inside.

“Eonnie, we’re here. Are you okay?” I looked up and saw black clouds forming. “I think it’s about to rain.”

“Yeah, I think so.” She unbuckled from the seat and got off the car. I didn’t know if she thought that she was okay or that it was about to rain.

Despite my growing anxiety, I walked beside her and offered her my hand. She took it and it calmed my mind a little. While we tread the pavement that lead to the building’s backdoor, I started with my rehearsed piece. All I needed then was to recite everything I’ve prepared to say before we could proceed to the actual date.

“Yerin-eonnie… I like you so much and you know by now how badly I want you to be mine. But before all that, I want you to know me better. I took you here because a portion of my childhood was formed and destroyed in this very place…”

I opened the door to the firing range and the lights that remained working. Thankfully, there were enough to keep the entire place well-lit. I immediately saw the dinner table and the projector we’ll use to watch a movie later on. I had to give it to Eunseo, she did a good job preparing the place.

“… It’s here where I learned how to count, read and write. It was ironic that I even met my first friend in a place like this. I spent my childhood with the sound of gunshots for breakfast. It’s a surprise that I didn’t become deaf. I practically grew up breathing the air in this building every day. That’s because my parents were always here for business with their friend who was also a part-owner. I used to enjoy running around with those big earmuffs and just being carefree...”

I let go of her hand so I could walk to one of the shooting booths where Eunseo hid a bouquet of flowers. But I went on with my narration which I thought was going well as planned.

“… Well of course I was just about three years old then; all I wanted was to play until I passed out. My childhood was plain happy until my father took over the entire place. That’s when everything started to go downhill and tragic. He said he had to take charge of the whole business because the other owner died. I don’t even recall how he died; I don’t even have a memory of the funeral we attended…”

I was holding the flowers when I realized that Yerin did not follow me to the booth. So, I just thought of going back to the waiting benches where I knew I left her. But when I turned around, the first thing I saw was the bag she was bringing. It laid open on the floor.

“Eon-” I saw Yerin pointing her gun at me. “-nie… Why are yo-”

“You don’t remember a funeral because you did not attend one.” Her face was expressionless but her eyes were fiery.

“Eonnie, put the gun down-”

“Do you want to know how the owner died?”

“Yerin-eonnie, please put the gu-”

“DO YOU WANT TO KNOW??? HA? EUNBI-YAH..??”

“Eonnie, how did you kno-”

“YOU DON’T REMEMBER?! Let me tell you how. Your evil father shot him dead. He shot him in that very spot where you are standing.”

“How did you know-” At that point, tears started to flow from Yerin’s eyes; she was shaking in anger.

“Oh, but it didn’t end there. YOUR FATHER SHOT MY INNOCENT BROTHER AFTER THAT!”

“Your… brother…?”

“Your father wanted to use this place for the syndicate he was just forming that time. But my father refused to join your family’s criminal activities and wanted to live in peace managing our business. But your father did not let him. So, he shot him. IN THE HEAD. TWICE!!! AND MY POOR BROTHER WHO RAN TO MY FATHER’S SIDE WAS ALSO MERCILESSLY MURDERED.”

“Eonnie, I don’t understand…”

“I also spent my childhood in this place. I saw how they built this from the first brick until the last of paint. My parents poured their hearts into making this place beautiful. This was my home. This was my fortress.”

“Eon… nie, are you…”

“YES, EUNBI-YAH. I WAS THAT KID YOU PLAYED WITH UNTIL YOU PASSED OUT…”

“Yennie… eonnie.” It was only then that I realized why that name was written on that book. I accidentally dropped the bouquet that my trembling hand has been holding.

“… I WAS THAT KID WHO TAUGHT YOU HOW TO READ WHILE I WAS STILL LEARNING TO READ MYSELF. I WAS THAT KID WHO ALWAYS GOT ANNOYED BECAUSE YOU COUNTED SO SLOW.”

She was wiping off her tears vigorously. I remember now. She was that friend, my very first. She still cried the same way she did when we were kids. The way her eyes disappeared and the way her lips formed an awkward curl were the same, except now, she was crying while steadily holding a pistol up my chest.

“I had a happy childhood like you did, Eunbi-yah! UNTIL YOUR FAMILY TOOK EVERYTHING FROM ME! YOUR FATHER WENT AFTER US, BUT MY MOTHER AND I ESCAPED AND HID FOR GOD KNOWS HOW LONG LIKE WE WERE THE CRIMINALS.”

“But eonnie, listen to me…”

“I ROSE FROM THE DEAD AFTER THIRTEEN YEARS WITH A DIFFERENT IDENTITY, AND ALL I WANTED WAS TO GET INSIDE THAT SYNDICATE AND KILL YOUR ENTIRE FAMILY.”

“Let me explain what happened-”

“I DON’T NEED YOUR EXPLANATION! I DON’T KNOW YOU. I DON’T KNOW HOW TO FEEL ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. I JUST WANT TO SHOOT YOU DEAD LIKE HOW YOUR FATHER DID TO MY FATHER!”

“Eonnie, I brought you here so I can show you my truth! But I am not that kid anymore! I am not my father! I didn’t know what happened to your family! Eonnie, please listen to me!”

“I promised my father that I will find you, and kill you.” She was painfully crying. But she held the gun tightly that her hand started to quiver. “I never believed that you died like what they publicized. How could I have missed it. How could I have missed that it was you. How dare you come close to me!”

“Eonnie! Listen! I didn’t know anything! I came back to-” I took a step toward her.

“Don’t even think about coming near!!” I saw her hold the gun even firmer. All I wanted was to run to her, hug her and calm her down, but the chaos of our irreconcilable past was between us. The truth was killing Yerin. It terrified me.

“Listen to me! I didn’t want what happened to your family! I am not my father! Let me expl-”

“No explanation can change the fact that our lives were ruined by your family.”

“Yennie-ah!” I too couldn’t prevent the tears from falling. I couldn’t get through her. “Please listen! I love you! I love you so much… Please lis-” I unconsciously took another step.

“I SAID DON’T!!!”

Every time I think of Yerin, I can’t help but love her more.

And I think of her all the time since I met her. Just imagine how much that love has grown.

It stormed that afternoon.

Before the darkness, I heard the heavy rain on the roof, but not as loud as the sound of her pain.

She was crying when she pulled the trigger.

Before the darkness, I caught a glimpse of the flowers I was supposed to give her.

They were yellow and beautiful as they laid beside me on the bloody floor.

Before the darkness, I was thinking of Yerin. 

I was loving her until the very end.