The only thing I regret about that holy awkward moment was that I wasn’t aware that I did what I did. No matter how deep I try to dig into the trenches of my memories, it didn’t register anywhere. The time, the sensation, the reaction… nothing.

“Umji-yah, did I really-”

“Oh, for ’s sake, SinB-yah, this will be the 9^th time you’ll ask me if you touched Yerin-eonnie’s .”

“Well, I-”

“YES. YOU DID.

“Did-”

“YES. YOU SQUEEZED THEM.”

“But did-”

“NO. YOU DIDN’T SQUEEZE THEM HARD.”

“Okay…” I had to stop there, our maknae hardly ever cursed and so when she did, it meant I have pulled the last thread of her patience. I know the next one would be a thread tied to a trigger and I’m not willing to pull that one just yet.

I drove home in silence and reached the apartment without consciously knowing how, heart still fluttering, mind still in limbo.

“Thank you by the way for doing what you did.” Umji said before she unbuckled her seatbelt. I’m positive that she wasn’t pertaining to my hands doing what they did but the idea still caused a mental snigger.

“Anything for Yerin, you know that by now. I’m just afraid she might ask where I got the money. It’s quite a hefty amount.”

“Yerin-eonnie doesn’t even initiate a casual conversation with you; I suggest you quit worrying about that.”

“You have a point.”

“You’ve shown some temper there though.” She remarked with a tone half-proud and half-disappointed.

“I don’t know why but when I saw that guy almost coercing her to stand, my blood just started boiling.”

“I’m certain there’s a word for that.”

“There’s a scientific word for boiling blood??”

“Yeah, jealousy, old French gelos.”

“Tsss… I don’t know that word.”

“You don’t have to know it to feel it.” She got out of the car and walked leisurely across the lot without waiting for me.

I sprinted slightly to catch up. “You think I’m jealous?”

“I’m sure you are.”

Umji was always sure and perhaps, she was also right.

That night, she was summoned to meet with Yerin after her classes. For some reason, my company was not what she wanted. But after being reminded that I held her buttocks without permission in that silent witness of a school hallway, I accepted that I wasn’t in any position to complain. I had to be content with the pulse-quickening bliss she endowed me earlier including the unintentional parts. And so, with only the sleepy Sowon home with me, I was left with an infinity of time to replay in my head the magnificent scene that happened at the university, at least the moments I remember. No matter how embarrassing it ended, it’s not one of the things I would want to induce amnesia of. I want to remember every second of it.

It’s already an hour past midnight and I still couldn’t get my mind off her. I knew that if we were together, it wouldn’t only be my mind that’s all over her. I want her. I want Yerin to be mine; I must admit that at least to myself. I knew for the first time that I was unquestionably in love; I could not deny it anymore.

I’m frightened that these emotions have grown irrepressibly beyond my control especially now that she started to slowly lower her guard at me. I could not help but notice that her fierce eyes have become kinder. Her demeanor softened and her display of concern became more frequent than I hoped it would be. Gradually, I’m seeing the elusive side of Yerin that Umji claimed to exist deep within her hard-hearted façade.

With all the caring gestures, no matter how coldly she expresses them, I began to wonder if she likes me too. I understand that calling me her girlfriend was just a ruse to bar the library guy off, but it caused my heart to swell hearing it escape from her lips albeit insincere.

It would have been wonderful if I was hers.

But deeper into the night, the lingering monsters of guilt started to creep in and bang the doors of my conscience. My blissful thoughts have turned to a vicious cycle of push and pull as I ruminate on all the reasons why I should prevent myself from falling deeper in love with Yerin. It felt so good but I equally felt mortified having my pretenses at the back of my head. I’m afraid to acknowledge it but Umji was right, I am putting everyone in danger. Above all, I am putting my first love in danger; and just the thought of it makes my chest tighten from the mixture of fear and self-reproach.

I’m certain I shouldn’t continue putting her in a dangerous position, but with all the troubles I had to endure in my life, I felt that I deserved the joy even for a moment before I put everything at the risk of breaking. She is my guilty pleasure, and that’s in the most straightforward sense. I want to give my heart a chance to feel the love before it’s gone, before I smash it with the pain of truth.

I slept that night with an absolute certainty- I love Yerin and she has to know how much before all else crumbles.

* * *

In the morning, Umji, Sowon and I went for a jog and like always, Yerin was up earlier and was nowhere in sight when we left the apartment. It was June 2^nd and Uncle JD intentionally did not prepare anything for that day in the assumption that I had plans for myself that didn’t include musing on ways to ruin my father. He was partly mistaken because that day was planned indeed, but not by me.

When we got back, Yuju has already arrived and was waiting by the kitchen counter with a bouquet of flowers. Yerin on the other hand has started her morning academic rituals.

“SinB-yah! Happy Birthday!” She excitedly belched off of the bar stool and handed me the flowers before I could even take off my running shoes.

“Oh, thank you… But my birthday’s not until tomorrow.”

“That’s okay because later we’re going out and I might be too drunk to remember giving them to you.” After explaining, she pulled me to a hug that almost crushed the roses between us. “Oh my, you’re so soft.”

“I ahhh… must be the roses, but thanks?” I said flashing a crooked smile. I was not expecting a comment such as that one and so the awkward alter ego took over.

I saw that while Yuju was busy complimenting my softness, Yerin was marching up the stairs probably retiring to her favorite hideaway again. Sowon just passed through the narrow entrance shaking her head while Umji was expressionless with her gaze following Yerin’s steps.

I wanted to run up the stairs feeling the need to explain the scene to Yerin like as if I was caught cheating. But thinking about my conversation with Umji, there was something in me that wanted Yerin to feel the same jealousy that got me into a cursing frenzy yesterday. And so, I excessively thanked Yuju for her thoughtfulness, making sure every word would reach the seclusion of the veranda before I propped myself beside Umji on the leather sofa.

“Yuju-eonnie is consistent at making me uncomfortable.” I muttered.

“You’re not dense to not know why.” There was an air of indifference in her reply.

“I think so…”

“Anyway, I know what you did there.” She uttered almost inaudible even from two inches away.

“I’m not surprised. You know everything. But I’m not even sure why I did that.”

“If you like Yerin-eonnie that much, why don’t you just confess? I mean, it’s preposterous and needless but still.”

“Chances are, I’d just get dumped or get shot. Either way, I’m not ready yet.” I was actually ready, but I wasn’t sure if I could fully reveal myself to her already and that’s what’s holding me back.

“You’ve been there, might as well just go for more.”

“Maybe later if I’d gather the audacity with the help of Eunha-eonnie’s alchemy.” I remember two things they said could increase one’s odds at a successful proposal, a rollercoaster ride and a bottle of tequila, and I could go for either.

Umji glared at me upon hearing my thoughtless plan. “And then end up a drunken tragedy like Sowon and Eunha-eonnie?”

“Ohhh yeah, I almost forgot about the giraffe’s intoxicated proposal…”

“…On eonnie’s birthday.” She stressed.

I reconsidered the rollercoaster ride and dismissed the tequila shots. I am not willing to follow the path to an imminent breakup because just thinking about the possibility already pinched my heart and we’re not even together.

My internal debate was interrupted by Eunha’s unceremonious entrance almost stumbling her way through the door with an even bigger bouquet of expensive flowers. It was so big that it covered half her height almost concealing her miniscule frame.

Everyone saw Yuju’s face distort when she welcomed her. “Don’t tell me those are for SinB??”

“Of course not.” Eunha retorted with a hint of disquietude.

“So… Who are the flowers for?” Sowon was oddly wide-eyed and smirking when she asked. Umji pointed at how ready she was to give her a hand with carrying them.

“The daughter of the club owner gave them to me.” Eunha’s reply made Sowon retract her arms and form a defensive cross against her chest.

“Eonnie!” I yelled from the living room. “Is that the cute Japanese girl?! What’s her name again?” I recall the lady staying by the counter almost the whole night when I came with Eunha to work on the night of her birthday.

“Yeah, Sana. She’s been bugging me for the past couple of weeks to go out with her. I’ve grown annoyed and I just agreed for breakfast after work to get it off my back. But I realized it wasn’t bad at all.”

“So, she really liked you, huh?” I just asked to see how Sowon would react.

“These are beautiful flowers.” Yuju went closer, eager to examine the card that sank into the bouquet.

“I guess? She gave me this box too. I don’t even know what’s inside. Here, SinB-yah, you can have it.” Before I could negate, I saw a small blue box flying my direction.

“Nice catch.” Umji complimented.

“So…” After a full minute of confusion, Sowon spoke almost in reluctant monotone. “You are… dating now…?”

“I don’t know…?” I can attest that unlike me, Eunha did not intend to make her ex-girlfriend jealous; she was in fact, far from teasing. Searching for the right response, she sounded even more genuinely indisposed about the situation. “She seems nice? But I don’t know if we should start dating. I don’t have time for that.”

Everyone knows she has the time; she just doesn’t have the heart to replace Sowon.

“Ohh… Okay...” Suddenly in deep thoughts, the giraffe idly answered.

While I was absorbed with disentangling the sparkly ribbon that fastened the gift box, the merciless Umji nudged me showing her phone’s player before I heard an indistinct screech from our speakers.

First!

“WHAT THE!” That was Sowon, flabbergasted by the unexpected shrieking music within the apartment.

“YAAAAH!” At the same time was yelling from the veranda. Everyone heard Yerin drop her book possibly after being startled by the blasting sound. Ironically, our gunman has that hysterical tendency and besides, the speakers being mounted high up were closest to her. The imagination made the two of us giggle to the resulting cuteness that rarely occurred.

“Yah! Is that for me?!” Sowon scoffed after throwing the both of us a disdainful glare.

Returning the look of derision, Umji answered, “If the shoe fits…”

Anyone could tell from Sowon’s expression that yes, the shoe fits perfectly like Cinderella to her glass footwear. The only difference is that no prince charming dismounting from a royal carriage was making her try it and the shoe was not presented on a silk-covered pillow, it just flew right to her face.

“Yeah, right!” Sowon turned to the refrigerator avoiding the bunny’s gaze.

“Wait, you’re size 9, right?” Yuju of course, would kill the vibe with her misdirected curiosity.

Eunha just shook her head to the sudden grilling that transpired, but it was evident that she was just controlling her amusement of Umji’s ingenious musical insinuation. She wore a thin smile when I winked at her as a support to the vengeful act against Sowon; but like always, her worried eyes followed the estranged love who was rummaging the freezer for nothing.

“Eonnie!” After finally unveiling the content of the blue box. “Aside from the note that said ‘happy birthday Eunha,’ this gift is undoubtedly for you.” I handed her a tool that was named The Barbarian.

“Oh my…!” Eunha exclaimed admiring the bartender multitool. “This is like the swiss army knife for bartenders.”

“Hmm… thoughtful and impressive. I surmise that’s a bit expensive.”

“I don’t know, Umji-yah, but I’m assuming it is.”

The next few seconds of Sowon’s subtle yet unmistakable display of displeasure toward Eunha’s reaction to Sana’s gift was cut short by Yerin’s descend that instantly caught my attention. I watched her every step, hypnotized by her simplicity that hid the opposing intricacies of her personality.

But my impending daydream was interrupted by Umji’s whisper. “If staring was all humans needed to consummate, I might need to take Yerin-eonnie for an ultrasound in a month or two.”

“Should I start thinking of a name for the baby?” I whispered back.

“No, give that task to her. I don’t trust your judgment.”

I just glowered at her and flashed a fist.

* * *

“Here you go. Enjoy the free drinks!” Eunha winked at us while skillfully laying a variety of unknown alcoholic beverages on a tray. “By the way girls, remember my name is Jisoo, especially to that eerie guy by the pole.”

“Everything’s free?!” I shouted too to cut through the deafening club music.

“Of course!”

“Tsk, SinB-yah, you’re forgetting Eunha’s expertise…” Sowon interjected while choosing for the least threatening drink.

“Ah! Lure and persuade….!”

“Wrong. Al-co-hol!” Sowon declared before she received a flick on the face from the girl whose skills she just minimized. “Yah! I’m just kidding!”

“Whatever! Anyway, we have an hour or so before a singing room becomes free! I reserved one, so better start vocalizing!” Yuju was the only one who gave a thumbs up to Eunha’s half-mimed reminder.

“That would be nice if we even get to the singing part!” Sowon has been to countless club parties coordinated by Eunha and she knew the ‘singing’ was just a euphemism for getting everyone crawling drunk. “Most of the songs will just be screamed or vomited out anyway! So, don’t bother!”

While struggling to listen to the banter that ensued, I kept scurrying the area for the person whose presence meant the most to me on my birthday. “Umji-yah…” I didn’t even have to complete my sentence, she didn’t even have to hear me, but she knew what I was thinking.

“It’s not usual, but trust me, she’s coming.” She assured.

That afternoon while everyone was preparing, Yerin disappeared again without explanation. I was beginning to entertain the idea that something might have happened to her mother or that she had to assist her to some medical appointment. She never opened things like that even to Umji; she never opened anything to anyone in general. The only clue they have is when she starts losing weight which means that she’s been skipping meals to save money for the treatment. But that day, there was no indication of any trouble of that sort; nothing could explain her whereabouts and so I all that’s left was to trust on Umji’s words.

“SinB-yah!” The noise in the club started to agonizingly engulf us that Sowon’s mouth was an inch away from my ear but I couldn’t hear her. “Is the Shana flower lady here??”

“Shana what?!” I might have screamed too loud onto her ear that she jolted a few inches back grimacing.

“The Japanese girl! Is she here?!”

“Sana?? This is not the club they own!”

“Good!” With an obvious relief on her face, “I’ll abort my plan of setting this place on fire then.”

“Ha?? What??”

“Nothing! Happy birthday !”

“Thank you!” I screamed back that made her burst in laughter.

It took a few seconds before I realized what she just called me. But when I was about to delve into why she named me such, Umji pinched my thigh and beamed deviously that my heart started racing to the mutual understanding that Yerin has finally arrived.

“Prevent yourself from drooling.” She warned before I turned around to discover the sure cause of my looming death.

She was in her most elegant self in that all-black knee-length dress that accentuated her slender form. She looked adorable as she kept on adjusting the dress in her futile attempt to cover her skin, probably uncomfortable with the boat neck cut that partially exposed her collar. It didn’t help that she tied her hair neatly up, she didn’t have anything else to conceal her skin with. She was radiant; she was too gorgeous for words.

From several feet away, our eyes met and she smiled and waved at me. Heartstruck, all I did was stare at her and inhale deeply the stuffy air corrupted by body heat, smoke and evaporating sweat. She approached us gracefully dodging the reckless club-goers who either shamelessly danced or ate each other’s faces while drowning into the songs’ mood. I wanted to walk toward her and her to our table but Sowon took the liberty of welcoming her with a playful hug.

“Umji-yah… My pants dropped, didn’t they?”

“Nope, but your underwear miraculously fell on the floor.”

“Overtaking my pants to the ground??”

“Absolutely.”

“Tsk, I knew that would happen.”

A few more seconds passed and she reached our small table. “Happy birthday, I’m sorry for being late.”

“It’s late, okay, yes you. Beautiful. Thank you, eonnie.” My words jumbled and I hoped she just didn’t hear them. If I used charades, I might have had better chances of getting my message across.

She heard me though. But what surprised me was that she didn’t clarify and just smiled more, but this time not only with her lips but with her eyes. I wanted to hold my chest to stop the unruly thumping inside me. That was the first time I’ve seen her do that and I could swear even Umji knew my heart quickened more riotously than the disco lights of that place.

When she was spotted by Yuju, who came back from the bar with Eunha holding another round of free drinks, Yerin was immediately dragged to accompany her to the washroom.

“I know I said don’t drool. But I didn’t say get a heart attack.” Umji teased after the two girls were out of earshot. Actually, with all the booming speakers around us, anyone who was an inch away is out of earshot but I appreciated her effort to make our conversations extra private.

“You can tell that to her!”

“Can I just tell you… happy birthday??” Umji answered sweetly and it was void of any form of savagery.

“Umji-yah, get a beer for Yerin-eonnie and grape juice for you from the bar! Just say my name! The bartender may not stop talking, so beware!”

I was about to help her to the bar but Eunha grabbed me and Sowon. “And you two, we need to dance!”

Umji nodded and waved me to go, thankful that it was I who draggled at the heels of the erratic couple and not her.

* * *

“Oh my god! I didn’t know she was a good dan- no, scratch that. She’s an amazing dancer!” Yuju bumped Yerin who already was discreetly all-eyes on SinB while she danced with the ex-couple at the middle of the crowded quicksand of a dancefloor. “She gave me another reason to like her!”

“Ohh... Yeah…” Yerin mumbled. “She looks-”

But before she finished, she was cut off by the other girl’s excitement over the new song that played. “GOSH! This is my jam! I need to dance this with her!” She disappeared in the midst of sweaty bar-goers and the seizure-inducing flickering lights.

“…hot.” Yerin almost sighed her last word.

“I’ve never heard you use that word to describe an actual non-feverish human. Let alone, to describe SinB.” Umji spoke into Yerin’s ear as she placed the glass of grape juice half-full on the tiny circular table.

“I.. Ahhh..”

“It’s fine, eonnie. We’re not even talking semantics.” She smirked and handed her a frosted bottle of beer, enjoying the sight of blood draining from the face of her flustered eonnie. “I just find it interesting that you knew how to use that word in that context.”

“I was… I..” Rattled by her own inability to reason, she just finished the beer in one chug, undecided if it was because of embarrassment or because of Yuju’s declaration.

 “You know that alcohol can make us believe that people a hotter than they actually are, right?” Umji moved closer and jested, but she was answered with dismay.

“Yuju.” Yerin sighed. “She likes her.”

The music was blaring but Umji understood her clearly. “Everyone, even SinB knows that. But what she doesn’t know is how you feel about her.”

Yerin didn’t respond and picked up the bottle just to realize that she already emptied it.

“Stay here and practice keeping your thoughts to yourself. I’ll just grab Eunha-eonnie to get more beer. Apparently, I can’t get them for free.” After taking two steps from the table, “And eonnie, stop staring at her.” She smiled and beelined to the short-haired girl’s location.

* * *

I wanted to go back to the table when I saw the three conversing. I was told that despite Eunha’s nagging, Yerin never fancied going to clubs making her attendance that night an exceptional occurrence; and so, my absence beside her was causing me anxiety. After Eunha took off with Umji to the bar, I was left with the two tallest and tipsy members who were too enthusiastic of my dancing to let me leave.

Only after three songs that I was able to excuse myself because I honestly had to visit the ladies’ room. But when I got out, Umji was alone in the table after Eunha forced Yerin to join the other two on the floor. I was torn by the situation but I chose to walk toward Umji to keep her company.

“Did I just hear you exhale carbon dioxide of disappointment?!” Umji commented as I sloppily sat beside her.

“How couldn’t I if my oxygen is constantly being kept away from me??”

“Eww! That’s just excessively mushy!”

I started staring gawking at Yerin again as she consciously followed Eunha’s dance moves. I was seeing a different side of her and I was prepared to binge on that rare phenomenon.

“Umji-yah... She’s too beautiful to even be human.” My comment made her look at the girls’ direction. “She can pass for a god…”

“You mean a demigod?”

“No. Pure god. She’s just too lovely.” Not taking my eyes off Yerin, I started throwing light punches at Umji in my attempt to subdue the urge to go back to the dancefloor.

“Yeah… She is…”

“I swear, soon I won’t be able to control myself, Umji-yah. I’ve tortured my heart way too long already.”

“Me too…”

Aside from her sounding equally dreamy as I was, her response confused me and so I frowned at her and that’s when I caught her looking at someone else. “Wait. Are you talking about Yuju-eonnie?!”

“Yeah… NO!!!”

I knew just by the way she scrunched her forehead with her nervous fingers that I had a long night and possibly countless shot glasses to coax her to spill her deep-seated secret.

The four of them soon scrambled back to our table after being told that there was vacancy among the singing rooms.

“Aigoooo… Our baby is drunk red…” Yuju remarked making Umji more flushed.

I guess in the presence of someone who knows our secrets, our bodies react differently, if not of greater intensity. It wasn’t at all applicable to me though because I don’t need anyone knowing how much I liked Yerin, my body just reacts in a really superfluous, shameful way every time.

“Wait, with grape juice?!” Eunha realized.

I wanted to grab hold of Yerin who finally stood near me, but knowing that the night was young for Umji to be put under the unwanted spotlight, I instead swung my arm around her neck to help hide her face. I pulled her to walk toward row of doors across the bar. “Mianhae, eonnie! I made her drink!”

“You owe me.” I whispered to Umji’s ear. “Yah, even your ears are red.”

* * *

The first thirty minutes inside the singing room was just Eunha going in and out to order drinks and us ruthlessly commenting on the club-goers who strode between us asking if we would like to join them. Unlike Sowon’s prediction, we actually managed to sing the songs instead of vomiting them, but we mostly did missing the tune 9 out of 10 times.

On the seventh song, everyone was evidently woozy except for Umji and Eunha. And I, on the other hand was obsessing on how to remove the distance that lingered between me and Yerin and so I started moving around but I couldn't find a gap that would accommodate me beside her.

In my defeat, I just stood up and chose a song I’ve always wanted to sing to Yerin, but when the lyrics started appearing on the screen, I grabbed Umji and coerced her to take the mic. “For my birthday…?” And I smiled at her meaningfully.

She grunted in disapproval but took the mic, I assumed after remembering that she owed me. I stepped closer and whispered “This is your chance. Make me proud.”

Umji was far from making anyone proud as she sang the verse with her eyes glued solely on the screen. I knew it was premature that she would show her true feelings, but I hoped the mood and alcohol would give her a much-needed courage. It was worth the try.

Noticeably unable to bear the embarrassment anymore, Umji looked at me distressed and desperate for some help. That was a rare circumstance and I could have enjoyed it more if not for the fear of her retaliation, so, I threw my arm on her shoulder and shared the microphone.

While singing, I’m sure I winked at Yerin and I saw her lower her head to hide her blushing. I blame alcohol. It’s not a mystery how people end up together, in heart or in bed, after sessions of drinking. It’s just a fair mixture of adrenaline, lulled senses and disinhibition, and that’s exactly what just happened to me. I might not conclude this night by confessing to her but I sure will end up kissing her.

Yerin exited the room when the song ended. And that was my chance to settle somewhere strategic so when she comes back, she wouldn’t have any choice but to sit beside me. And when she returned, I felt ecstatic seeing her tread my direction. As soon as she sat, the air I was breathing was swiftly purified by her scent; it never failed to send me into a trance that it took a moment before I realized that she was shivering from the room’s temperature.

I removed my coat and offered it to her. “Eonnie, you can wear this.”

She smiled. “Thank you, but can I just put it on my lap?”

“Yes.” I actually wanted to say ‘I love you, you can do whatever you want with my coat, my heart and my body,’ but I knew that the more words I say, the greater the chance of saying them wrong, and so I stuck with a simple yes.

The few minutes before the clock struck 12 was probably the actual celebration I had in that cold, dim room. For after she spread the garment on her lap, she also partly covered mine even when I visibly wore thick pants. An internal commotion arose when beneath the dusky lights, Yerin searched for my hand. She brought it under the coat’s warmth before she lightly thumbed along the creases of my palm. That alone sent paralyzing shivers through my body, but when my fingers instinctively fanned out to the sensation, she slowly fixed her hand on mine and made our fingers delicately entwine. I inevitably fell silent; I froze with only my chest visibly moving as it started heaving recklessly.

“What took you so long to sit beside me?” She whispered before laying her head on my shoulder, clearly not waiting for an answer. I didn’t care that it seemed like Yerin was only affectionate toward me when she was drunk. I knew that in spite the blur and haze, she was not just unconsciously doing what she did. Her words were honest and her actions were true.

She felt me tremble to the unexpected gesture and I know that made her smile. And from across the room, Umji was biting off a teasing smile as she raised a glass of beer to my implied success.

“Guys!” Yuju stood. “I know you’re all drunk already, so am I, but let me sing more for you.” She declared like my birthday was her makeshift concert. Fuzzy and just enjoying the mood, the song wasn’t even underway but everyone just started swaying their hands side to side, obviously except me and Yerin.

“SinB-yah!” Yuju cut her rendition by yelling my name on the microphone. “You might think it’s crazy, but…” Her tone and mood both changed when she looked at me.

At that very instance, I held Yerin’s hand tighter.

“… I like you. I like you a lot. I’m hoping you would agree to a date with me?”

⁺ "Six Degrees of Separation" by The Script

⁺⁺ "Be Your Everything" by Boys Like Girls

⁺⁺⁺ "Fallin' For You" by Colbie Caillat