She did not seem to resist the physical contact and so, I did not let go of her until I was able to pull open the passenger door. I pushed her in and kissed her hungrily until she fainted from exhaustion.

Nah, that last part didn’t happen, it was just a spontaneous fantasy but I shook it off.

As I drove, I kept on wishing for the library to have miraculously relocated to the other side of the city Korea, so I could stay alone with her in the car longer. But sadly, the 24/7 Library was barely five minutes away and that was already with three stop signs, an oddly situated traffic light and driving with agonizing slowness.

Regardless of the distance, the fact that she was beside me was enough to make me drive in perpetual distraction. Especially that when she abruptly left the apartment, she only wore a pair of shorts and while sitting next to me, her thighs were blinding me, not because I was erted but because her skin is so white. Tsk. Okay, just a little erted. If only it wasn’t weird to continue holding her hand, I wouldn’t have thought twice. But I knew that she always kept a weapon somewhere, so I didn’t want to risk it.

When we got to the library, I supposed because of some misaligned stars in the sky, that creepV guy from fourth floor was at the reception by the entrance and he instantly rose from his chair to unnecessarily welcome us.

“Hi Yerin! And hi, friend of Yerin!” And like our first encounter, he still had that library-inappropriate gummy smile that made his eyes disappear when he said Yerin’s name.

Yerin who walked beside me with her eyes on the floor bowed to acknowledge the greeting, while I coerced myself to return the smile and wave at him. What I really wanted was to just stick a finger out and silence him forever, but I thought that would be too rude and too early to do in the morning. But maybe later.

I walked faster and led her to the second floor by the fire exit tables where I found her the last time. After she sat, I laid over her lap the fleece throw that I always kept on my car’s backseat.

“Stay here, eonnie.” I said before heading up to the third floor. I didn’t say that because I thought she might leave; I know she won’t go anywhere else since that place was her mothership. But I just thought that the silence was already too awkward that I had to break it. And okay, another was that I didn’t want her to be seen by that library guy.

After absentmindedly treading the floor above us and scrutinizing the vending machines, I returned with a bottle of iced coffee, a chocolate bar and a triangle kimbap. I saw that she was already reading and so I laid the food quietly in front of her just a few inches away from the book. “You didn’t finish your brunch.” Scared to trigger a red light again, I whispered and did not wait for a response.

Despite the existence of a massive collection of literary pieces above and around us, I didn’t have even a wee bit of energy to get one for props and so, I just sat on the study table beside her and took out my phone like any socially awkward person would do.

And then I saw that Umji has texted exactly eight seconds ago.

UJ: Take out the pouch I gave you

And that’s when I discovered that what she handed me was nothing close to money, it was a pair of familiar wireless earphones. Amidst the somnolence and my rapidly draining vigor, I was able to forecast what my fellow maknae has planned to do and so, I closed the pouch and returned it to my pocket.

UJ: Take them out again

WHAT THE F...! How did she know?? I replied to her but didn’t follow her instructions.

SB: They’re out

UJ: They’re not

SB: How the heck did you know??

UJ: Look up

All I saw were rows of thickly stacked Mahogany bookshelves. But then I almost had goosebumps when I found the CCTV camera with a blinking red light. I felt like Umji was winking at me.

SB: Don’t tell me…

UJ: I can see you. Now turn on your Bluetooth, put one in your ear and the other in Yerin-eonnie’s

SB: What if I don’t want to??

UJ: I’ve hacked into their CCTV feed; don’t you think I can do more?

SB: I still don’t want to.

A few seconds after I sent the text, a song’s intro suddenly blared through the overhead speakers of the entire library and made all the library-goers including Yerin curiously stare at the ceiling waiting for some clarification of the unusual incident. DAMN. There was no way out.

After quickly wearing one earpiece, the music stopped.

SB: OKAY! OKAY!

UJ: Good, tell her you have a song for her

SB: Seriously?? Do I really have to say that??

UJ: Do you want me to say it? Through the speakers?

SB: Fine. But first, I want to know what you’ll play

UJ: You know that’s not how it works

SB: Come on, tell me!

UJ: Don’t worry, it won’t be anywhere close to your song selection.

SB: What song selection??

UJ: Crazy For You? Bold choice, by the way.

SB: That was a stupid spur of the moment thing!

UJ: Yeah, that’s exactly what I meant.

Conceding to the fruitless argument, my sluggish hand found its way to Yerin’s ear, but she was taken aback by my sudden advances that she leaned away before I could insert the earpiece.

“I… have a song… for you.” But her face still manifested hesitation, and in my impending desperation, I looked up the ceiling and started searching for a speaker somehow to send her a sign. She was quick to understand that the hubbub in the library was our maknae’s doing, so she took the earplug from my hand and wore it herself.

If she hacked the library’s system, she most likely hacked into my phone too, so I just waited for the inevitable to occur. But nothing played for the next few minutes that my apprehension turned to sleepiness. I could hibernate any moment and so I crossed my arms on the table and just dropped my head there. In the fear of looking ridiculous if I slept with my mouth open or drooling, I turned my head away before I closed my eyes.

Immediately, my mind wandered.

Are you going to play a song soon, Umji-yah? Just play it already… I don’t want to doze off without knowing what embarrassment I’m getting myself into. I want to know at least what musical revelation you’ll make.

I thought Bumblebee conveyed his messages through songs, but your version conveyed other people’s messages, especially the ones they don’t consciously talk about.

Now I’m thinking maybe Crazy For You was my unconscious way of saying what I felt. But… Nah, the song is just way too much.

I wonder if Yerin is looking at me right now. Are you looking at me, Yerin-eonnie? Can you hear my thoughts? Can I call you Yerin-ah in my head? Huhhh.. I’m really going crazy.

Ahhhh… finally, you’re playing a song. Good, I like this one. It’s not too embarrassing.

Yerin-ah… I hope you can tell me why you cried last night. I can see in your eyes that you’re worn down to the core and you don’t have to hide it from me. You don’t have to hide those lovely eyes. If only you can let me in… let me learn every part of your pain. If you’re too broken, let me mend you.

I hope I can tell you that I too am broken. I hope I can tell you I understand how harsh this world has been to the two of us. I hope I can tell you that you can lean on me when fate is too cruel for you to handle.

I know I don’t deserve you, especially that I have not revealed myself truthfully. Somehow the thirteen years of hiding instilled cowardice in me that I am afraid you’ll not understand why I have to conceal my identity. But I want you to know me… I’m not a bad person. I can be that person you need.

Truth is, I probably need some saving too but being here with you gives me some strength. You distract me but at the same time, you make things clearer for me.

I can’t believe I am here beside you; and while I’m still here, you can take my hand, use my shoulder to your disposal and see through the unfamiliarity, Yerin-ah.

You can try to breathe me in. Look at me and just drown in my stares… because I want to drown in yours too. I want to drown in your stares badly…

Okay, probably this is the most embarrassing part of the song because I know you’re not mine and I don’t know if that’s even a possibility. And my domesticated self has not really learned what love is, much more, the truth it beholds. But maybe you can teach me, I can learn it for you.

I cannot count all the times you’ve walked out or disappeared, but like what I’ve done before, I will always find you and take you home.

I’m so sleepy right now but let me turn because I want to catch a glimpse of your face before my consciousness completely escapes me.

Even when my eyes are only half-open, I cannot be mistaken. Yerin-ah, you are beautiful, it’s only in your face that I’ll find this serenity and solace. How can someone be so lovely…

But I must be dreaming because you’re looking back at me right now. Are you looking at me, Yerin-ah? I have to ask Umji if sleeplessness can cause the mind to forsake itself to hallucinate.

I’m certainly imagining things because you will never look at me, at least not the way you’re looking at me right now, perhaps not without alcohol. But I’ll smile just in case this is real.

I didn’t know I can live for moments like this. I didn’t know these feelings I have for you can make me live and not just exist.

I think my consciousness is fading with the song. I don’t want to sleep but my body cannot take it anymore.

I don’t remember this song having lyrics like this. I’m either hearing things or this is a new version of the song.

I must really be sleepy. I can feel my legs and my arms losing their tone. I hope I don’t fall off this chair. God, please don’t let me fall.

But let me clarify that, falling onto Yerin is totally alright, I’m all for it; but spare me if it’s somewhere else.

I hope Yerin can sing a song like this to me. I’d give anything to see the day that she breathes and lives for me.

I can still smell the aroma of the unfinished Chinese meal that lingered in my breath. But I’m inhaling heaven right now, I’m intoxicated more by your calming scent.

I can smell you even more now. Are you near me, Yerin-ah? Please come closer… and need me.

Just give me the word and I’ll gravitate closer to your world.

There’s warmer air around me… gentle breath touching my cheek… sweet soft clouds brushing my lips. Is that you kissing me? Or I’m finally dreaming? I must be dreaming... but if not, can you kiss me again?

… So, I can kiss you back.

I think the exhaustion is finally taking me now. I’ll just be sleeping, I hope I’ll see you when I wake up.

Don’t leave, Yerin-ah. Please don’t leave.

* * *

How many hours have I been sleeping? It’s so comfortable here, I can probably sleep more. I didn’t know the library had pillows and areas where you can lie down. Wait. The library doesn’t have pillows. And I don’t remember ever lying down. But my head is definitely resting on something comfortable. Am I home already??

No, Yerin and I did not go home yet. Wait, where’s Yerin??

I forced my eyes to open and all I saw was some grey cloth that moved gently like it was breathing. It felt soft on my face and smelled nice and… familiar.

The familiarity scared me a little that I pushed myself to consciousness and opened my eyes completely. ! There was instant panic. My head was definitely laying on Yerin’s lap, the fleece throw was covering me and that breathing thing on my face was her grey sweatshirt.

FCK! I even had an arm around her waist. How did I get here?! And without thinking, I tried to push myself to get up from whatever position I was in. I lifted my head quickly, and BAM! I hit the table above me.

“AWWW!” My head bounced back to her lap and the bottled coffee that got knocked down rolled off the table and kissed my face. “AHHHH!”

I actually thought I saw stars, but it was just the red light above us that instantly went off after the loud thud I created with my head. I felt her hand support my head as she reached for the button to stop the warning light.

“Be careful... Are you alright?” She bent slightly and looked straight at me. With the bright lights above her, she was like a deity straight out of heaven.

“I guess… I’m sorry.” Even if I wasn’t at all okay, I could be alright after hearing her caring voice.

“Come here, let me help you up.”

She slid her arm under my neck and gently lifted me up to sit. I wanted to act really sick, even unconscious, just to stay in her arm that way but my head throbbed and I couldn’t think straight.

“Thanks…” I held my head and prevented myself from grimacing too much to the pain.

“Let me see if you have a cut.” She held the sides of my head and I slowly bent forward to follow the movement of her hands. I saw that her thighs were red from the pressure my big, and now aching, head created. I wanted to dive back in them but that will be really weird to do.

“Awww… right there.” I whispered.

“It’s not bleeding but we need to get you some ice. We better head home.”

“Okay… Is it late already? I’m sorry.”

“Almost five in the afternoon. I better drive.”

“Okay.” With the pain I was having, I too didn’t think I could drive even for a minute.

I stood up while she tidied the table. I felt happy that I saw only wrappers of the food I bought her. I didn’t know that her eating what I gave could cause a strange kind of warmth in my heart. I felt something different. I felt appreciated and I wanted to do more. I could probably buy her an entire grocery store next time if that was the feeling it could give me.

As she stood in front of me, “May I? If you don’t’ mind.” Her eyes darted toward my pocket where my keys created a bulge.

“Yeah, of- ” Before I could finish, I felt her hand reach for my pants’ front pocket. “-course.” I didn’t mind if you searched my pockets, I won’t even mind if you decided to search inside my pants. I stopped my thoughts before I start blushing and palpitating. But I was already blushing.

“Sure you’re alright?”

“Y-Yeah. Let’s go?”

If embarrassment was some kind of subscription, I think I might have accidentally clicked to subscribe to it for a lifetime. And the bad news is, there was no way to opt out.

As we walked slowly to the car, I checked my phone and opened Sowon’s message.

SW: We need to talk.