“You meant my lap?”

The next eight minutes or so of my life were spent contemplating if I’d jump out of the car or patiently wait for spontaneous human combustion to happen. It was worse than if Umji played a song and made the two of us awkwardly listen. My only consolation was that I know this catastrophe will not reach the other members; but still, the only person I didn’t want seeing my disastrous self was the only person who was actually seeing it.

My heart was rising up my throat and I felt nauseated that I couldn’t reply to her, afraid that I might vomit if I forced myself to speak. I couldn’t even nod. I just sat there frozen, looking away wishing for the park to magically just come to sight. And then she spoke.

“You kept sliding off the chair. So, I took you and laid you down.”

“I-I must be really s-sleepy.”

“You were motionless for five hours.”

, FIVE HOURS?! “I’m sorry. I hope I didn’t drool over you. I-I mean on you.”

She smiled again. “Actually…”

OH GOD, WHAT DID I DO….???

“… You didn’t...”

WHEW!

“…but there was a time when you snored.”

“I’m sorry… Was I loud?”

“Hmm… I kind of had to stop the warning lights a few times.”

If it wasn’t that we already reached the park, I might have actually jumped off the car. How can embarrassment happen in rapid succession within a single day? I am not complaining about the time I spent alone with Yerin, but why did it have to be traumatizing?

“I think I saw Eunha.” Yerin pointed to a bench overseeing a man-made pond. “There.”

When we found her, she was exactly how I imagined her to appear, legs pulled up to her chest, in tears, her nose turned red, and rocking gently trying to console herself. She seemed to have been crying incessantly that her eyelids were like windshield wipers on a stormy night. It was the first time I saw Eunha void of her cute and sassy personality; she was just a girl at her saddest and most confused state.

“Do you mind telling us what happened?”

“Eonnie…!” As soon as Yerin reached her side, Eunha dove onto her for a hug. “I’m sorry...”

Spring breeze that night was more lonely than cold. Not a lot of couples visited the park but anyone who went there alone would feel the ache of desolation. And I learned later on that the spot where Eunha sat was where she and Sowon loved to spend their free time together. The place meant so much to her that she was willing to take the torture of the memories it holds.

“Eonnie, there’s quite a mess at home. What happened?” I asked after almost three minutes of just standing from a distance waiting for Eunha to retract her body from the comfort of my girl’s Yerin’s hug. I wish.

“SinB-yah, you’re here too.” She painfully smiled in between containing her sobs. “I’m sorry, I’ll clean up later.”

“I’m not asking you to clean, eonnie. I asked what happened?” I emphasized as I sat on her right side.

“Are you hurt anywhere?”

“Probably just my heart, eonnie, but I’m fine.” After letting out a sigh, she leaned on Yerin’s shoulder, who sat on the opposite side. “But I might have overreacted. I shouldn’t have done that.”

“Did you have an argument?” I asked despite already hearing Sowon’s version.

“I think the kitchen would tell you the gist of the story.”

“Not really, but it told us the ending.” Yerin clarified.

“I know you saw last night how Sowon acted. I didn't want to give meaning to her actions because I know she was drunk and she can be very expressive when she is.”

“Inappropriately though.”

“Yeah… And so, I accepted my boss’ request that I work. Thank goodness you came with me, SinB-yah. I can't care less about the money, I just did that to distance myself from her or else who knows how my birthday have ended.”

“You left your party to be away from her?”

“Yeah, but even when I was at the club my mind kept going back home.”

“Maybe because you really didn’t want to leave.”

“I know it’s obvious that I’ve always wanted us to get back together. But I guess I'm lying to myself believing that maybe we just made a mistake about breaking up. I think it's really water under the bridge now and I just have to let it all go before I start hurting myself and you guys.”

“I can always clean up the broken glass on the floor…” I jested thinking how her outrage was suddenly a holy intercession on my part.

“Thanks for the offer, SinB-yah, but I don’t want to be buying shot glasses all the time. And I’m not really violent.”

“I know, probably it just took its toll…”

“I try not to think about the past, about Sowon… but sometimes, thoughts of her inevitably find their way to my head. And last night was just too much because it wasn't only my mind she found her way back to, but also my pants!”

Yerin let out a faint chuckle as I did. But I don’t know if it was because what Eunha said was funny or because she remembered me blatantly expressing my consent for her to rummage inside my pants instead of my pocket.

“Ahhhh that giraffe-eonnie is too much to handle when drunk.” I remarked as I tried to brush off the taint created by my malicious thoughts, only to recall the same night that the drunk Yerin pushed me against the door and then practically laid on me to sleep. Thank God, Yerin will be a lot easier to handle. Then I suddenly felt relief that laying on her lap at the library might not be as embarrassing as I initially thought.

But I snored my way to setting off the warning lights. So, no, still embarrassing.

“You could have just told her.”

“While it’s true that she made me uncomfortable, a part of me also wanted her inside my pants and maybe inside my shirt too. I don’t know, it’s so confusing.” While sniffling, Eunha suddenly giggled to her own contradiction while I choked on my saliva that I started coughing. The conversation about pants was getting into me.

“Are you alright? Can’t your baby ears handle what your eonnies are discussing?”

“I’m okay. Go on…”

“By the way, how did the two of you end up together? I mean the two of you here together, and why are you holding an ice bag up your head… again?”

“Ahhh… Long story, eonnie. Let’s just focus on your dilemma for now.”

“You sure you’re okay? You’re red.”

I didn’t notice that I was blushing the whole time, and hearing the word together gave my body another reason to make my thoughts more obvious.

“Yes, eonnie, don’t mind me. Uhhhmm.. What do you plan to do now?”

“I still don’t know. You’ll never understand how hard it is being in the same roof as the person whose heart you cannot own…”

I do.

“… you want to take care of her, but she doesn’t want you to…”

I do understand.

“… you want to do so much for her but she doesn’t let you…”

I really do.

“… and she’s just within my reach but I can’t touch her.”

“But she kind of touched you, eonnie… too much if I may add.” I commented to distract myself from brooding over the thoughts Eunha and I shared.

“Figuratively, SinB-yah. It’s hard wanting to hold someone close, but then when she finally holds you, there’s no meaning.”

“I agree.” I too felt sad thinking about her struggle. I wondered if Yerin hugging me last night didn’t mean anything at all, that probably she has mistaken me for someone else. Just thinking about it caused an alternating hot and cold sensation in my heart. I didn’t know what that was, but it burned.

“You agree?”

“Yeah, it’s hard being so close to the one your heart yearns for and she doesn’t even know how badly you want her...” I might have said it a little too melancholically, but because it actually was.

“At least my boss made me feel needed.” Eunha’s tears began escaping her eyes again. “Even if it was just for work, I felt important. I felt appreciated for what I was good at. And I am best at loving Sowon, but she doesn't see that anymore...”

Yerin was quiet as usual in her never-ending wallflower mode while I felt the need to be mum and just let Eunha release her frustrations. Together with the chilly spring wind bustling through the renewed leaves and budding flowers, we listened to her sobs as she shifted her head back and forth my shoulder and Yerin’s.

If not only for Umji’s text, we would have stayed in the comfort of Eunha’s fortress until it was time to close.

UJ: Boss JD committed us to a back-to-back trial mission tomorrow. Need to plan.

SB: Get your sharpener before we start.

UJ: A mechanical pen can prevent your unannounced abandonment.

SB: You know I’d do that again given the chance.

UJ: No need to reiterate that, Romeo. Now, drive yourself, Juliet and Eunha-eonnie home.

SB: By the way, is the kitchen clean now?

UJ: No. I’m still standing by the door waiting for you to carry me around.

SB: WTH!!! HOW DID YOU KNOW???

UJ: I kept the laptop recording when I left. Smooth moves you have there.

SB: Tsk. Thank you by the way.

UJ: And what’s the gratitude for?

SB: For making me take Yerin-eonnie to the library.

UJ: Ahhh… But you don’t know exactly what you’re thanking me for.

SB: ???

UJ: Come home. The sketchbook is waiting. Can you buy dinner? If you don’t mind.

SB: I owe you, so, yes, I’ll get dinner.

UJ: If that’s for the library, I’m telling you, buy me a house and a car, it still won’t be enough.

SB: What exactly are you talking about??

UJ: My lips are sealed. Pizza might unseal them. Bye.

* * *

It was quiet when we came back. I immediately laid the three pizza boxes on the counter and went upstairs to change. When I got back down, Umji and Sowon have already returned after disposing the garbage bags I supposed contained the evidence of Eunha’s belligerent episode.

“Are you okay? I’m sorry.” Despite the obvious pain that she’s been enduring, Eunha was still the first to approach. She moved closer to Sowon and touched the corner of her lips that she unintentionally injured.

“It’s nothing. You, did you hurt yourself?” Sowon asked while looking intently at her ex’s swollen eyes. At that moment, it appeared like all that was missing was a make-up kiss and everything was fixed, but then Sowon broke the intimate air by hugging Eunha playfully and ruffling her short hair.

Seeing how pained Eunha was with the other girl’s gesture made me want to just thoughtlessly go to Yerin, tell her how crazy I was for her and kiss her. Oh, so “Crazy For You” was appropriate after all. I had no intention of becoming like Eunha, telling Yerin soon was my plan.

The five of us crowded around the counter to feast on the fast-food dinner. Unless Yuju disrupts the kitchen homeostasis, it has been customary lately that I stood or sat between Umji and Yerin, which gave me mixed feelings, but I mostly felt the uneasy, hormone-escalating ones. Keeping the eating arrangement, we continued to the plan for the next day’s double mission.

Uncle JD did not inform me that he added an assignment, which I thought was unusual and so, I assumed it was a sudden decision. But what did not add up was that the second mission was tedious and dangerous but not even Eunseo said a word.

The planning went on with mostly Umji and me writing and contradicting each other, Eunha and Sowon refining our strategies and Yerin silently making out with her textbook. At the back of my head, there’s that lingering desire to morph into her book, but I presumed that I had better chances of dating her if I persisted being human, so I stopped complaining. And I also knew better not to protest to her noninvolvement in the preparation; it was enough that we were blessed with her presence and my death by firing squad was not needed. And besides, Yerin usually gave her critical input during the mission proper, being the primary spotter, she sees how the engagements evolve and Sowon revises the tactics in accordance to her aerial observations.

When Yuju arrived, I was suddenly situated between her and Yerin, while Umji purposely moved to Yerin’s other side to cause her an assumingly mischievous distraction.

“I got the text on my way here but the traffic was heavy.” Yuju stated while digging into her bag.

“There’s pizza over there. Eat before we brief you about tomorrow’s plan.”

“Did a bug bite your eyes Eunha-yah?” Was Yuju’s reply to the other girl.

“No, a giraffe.”

“Oh… How did a giraffe get into our apartment?! Or you went to the zoo?”

I wanted to laugh but I was more bemused by Sowon’s disgruntled expression.

“More of the kitchen turned into a zoo.” Umji butted in.

“I’m still confused but whatever, I’m hungry.”

As Yuju prepared herself dinner, Umji and Yerin’s playful interaction did not escape my view. I felt jealous, not the romantically-committed-girlfriend-kind-of-jealous; I was just envious of the friendly and extremely elusive attention she willingly gave my fellow maknae but never to me.

Umji made Yerin listen to something that caused her to smile, before she whispered and left her an impish smirk. It was probably too good-humored that Yerin flimsily tapped Umji’s behind in a rather light-hearted scolding, which led me to become more begrudged.

“Ha! What’s the tap for, eonnie?”

“Because you’re our maknae. You deserve a tap once in a while.”

Despite Umji’s unswerving savagery, she received taps as a maknae and that made me inappropriately insecure.

I sighed and let out a rancorous mumble. “But I’m a maknae too...”

However, it was too loud for a mumble that everyone actually heard it. I strongly believe that my body parts, my lips particularly, have conspired a mutiny against me and this is the manifestation of their plot to kill my slowly.

It was too audible that even Yuju who was by the microwave caught it and so she ran to me and distressingly saved my … literally. “Aigooooooo! Our other maknae wants taps too! Come here, I’ll not only give you that, you’ll also get some hugs.” And so, she eagerly did as I died inside unable to redeem my comminuted pride.

I felt blood alternately rush in and desert my face throughout the uncomfortable physical contact that my body initially wanted from my future girlfriend Yerin. Aside from the obvious chortle, I don’t know how everyone else reacted exactly since I kept my head low, so low that I could exchange faces with the tiles of the kitchen counter.

“Are we done?” Yerin uttered and ended what felt like a lifetime of embarrassing blur, at least for me.

“I guess so.” Sowon answered.

“I have classes in the morning, I’ll just meet you at the location.” The two of us are stationed in the same spot for the missions, only that we will be facing opposite directions. And so, it was I who she was going to meet but she avoided my gaze when she spoke.

“Okay…” I should have stopped there, but my brain did not let me, “… take care.”

My neurons had to be honest, like it wasn’t enough that I begged for my cheeks to get some attention a minute earlier. What’s worse is that I sounded like we were meeting up for a lunch date. And it made the other girls in our midst curiously turn to me, except for Umji who just hid a snigger.

And expectedly, Yerin retreated to her room without a response.

After a few more adjustments to the plan and gathering the necessary equipment, we agreed to clean up and head to our rooms to rest. And as I laid myself on my bed, I remembered to set an alarm, and so I searched for my phone which was on the bedside table after I forgot about it when I changed my clothes earlier that evening. And that’s when I found a text notification from nearly two hours ago.

YR: You take care too

I may have re-read Yerin’s message a few hundred times. During the mission the next day, I was sleepless but happy.

* * *

Earlier...

“Eonnie, at the library...” Umji whispered with her tone conspicuous of an insinuation.

“What about it?” Yerin whispered back and turned to her with her eyes signifying knowledge of a forthcoming teasing. But instead of Umji’s voice, what she heard next was music that came from the earphones that suddenly rested in her ears.

“Eonnie, I like the song you played for her.”

"Yeah, it's a nice one."

"Might even be a little too nice..." The younger girl smirked and spoke closer to Yerin's ear. "So... Are her lips soft?"

“You shouldn’t be watching too much, Umji-yah...” Almost blushing, Yerin muttered before she reached down to playfully scold her.

“Ha! What’s the tap for, eonnie?”

“Because you’re our maknae. You deserve a tap once in a while.”

⁺ "You Give Me Something" by James Morrison