Ddeulgi doesn't like it here, Ddeulgi asks grandpa why does Ddeulgi have to be here? Ddeulgi is not sick, Ddeulgi feels good but why does grandpa have to bring Ddeulgi here? Why? Ddeulgi doesn't understand grandpa at all. Ddeulgi is here because grandpa said that Ddeulgi was playing with a sharpy thing called knife and it made blood come out of Ddeulgi's arms, it hurts but Ddeulgi likes it. Ddeulgi likes what knifey did to Ddeulgi. That's why Ddeulgi's here because Ddeulgi played with knifey and grandpa yelled at Ddeulgi because Ddeulgi was happy playing with knifey. Ddeulgi yelled at grandpa back because grandpa took knifey away from Ddeulgi and that made Ddeulgi really really angry.

Ddeulgi doesn't like Ddeulgi because Ddeulgi is not important and no one likes Ddeulgi and Ddeulgi doesn't fit in with people. When Ddeulgi was at school Ddeulgi wanted to play with people but they said that Ddeulgi is bad at throwing ball so they didn't let Ddeulgi play with them, Ddeulgi got really angry and Ddeulgi hit them all in the face because they made Ddeulgi very upset. Ddeulgi got sent to the principal's office and grandpa showed up because daddy was working as always. Gandpa yelled and yelled at Ddeulgi and grandpa also hit Ddeulgi's bottom making Ddeulgi cried and cried.

Ddeulgi ran away from grandpa to the bathroom and Ddeulgi saw that Ddeulgi's face was covered with green and purple marks and when Ddeulgi touched it, it hurts. Ddeulgi cried alone in the bathroom because Ddeulgi was upset at everyone, Ddeulgi was upset at the kids that Ddeulgi wanted to play with, Ddeulgi was upset at grandpa for hitting Ddeulgi and Ddeulgi was upset at daddy for always working. Ddeulgi started to punch and hit the walls and the mirrors in the bathroom because Ddeulgi really wanted to hurt something.

Ddeulgi punched and punched the wall and the mirrors until the mirrors broke and Ddeulgi saw blood coming out of Ddeulgi's hand. Ddeulgi's hand was bloody and purple marks were there and it made Ddeulgi feel a bit more better. Whenever Ddeulgi gets upset, Ddeulgi will always punch a wall or a mirror that Ddeulgi sees and Ddeulgi's hand will always have purple marks and blood on it. Grandpa was angry at Ddeulgi because Ddeulgi always have blood and purple marks on Ddeulgi's own hand and grandpa doesn't like it but daddy didn't say a word because daddy doesn't care about Ddeulgi, daddy never does and never did.

"Look, Seulgi, I'm not going to hurt you, I just want to talk." Ddeulgi looks at the doctor sitting infront of Ddeulgi.

"Ddeulgi doesn't want to talk, Ddeulgi is not sick, why does Ddeulgi have to be here? Ddeulgi doesn't like it here." Ddeulgi is getting upset now.

"Seulgi-ah, I'm here to help ok? I just want to talk to you and to see how you're doing. If you agree to talk to me then I promise to buy you your favorite snack and toys ok?" The doctor asks Ddeulgi and Ddeulgi tells the doctor to pinky promise Ddeulgi that and the doctor did. "Ok, Seulgi-ah, can I see your arms and hands first? I'm not going to hurt, I'm just going to take a look at it." Ddeulgi lets the doctor hold Ddeulgi's arms. "Did you make these marks by yourself?" Ddeulgi nods. "What about your hands? What did you do to them?"

"Ddeulgi gets angry and Ddeulgi punches walls and mirrors because it makes Ddeulgi feel less angry and Ddeulgi likes the way it feels."

"Does hurting yourself make you feel good?"

"Yes, it does like knifey. Grandpa doesn't like knifey but Ddeulgi told grandpa that knifey is Ddeulgi's friend and knifey makes Ddeulgi happy."

"Are these marks on your arms made by knifey?" Ddeulgi nods happily.

The doctor asks Ddeulgi many questions about Ddeulgi and Ddeulgi's feelings about things. Ddeulgi thinks the doctor is nice and Ddeulgi thinks that the doctor likes Ddeulgi too. When the doctor finished asking Ddeulgi questions, the doctor sends Ddeulgi out of the room because the doctor wants to talk to grandpa now. Ddeulgi doesn't sit in the waiting room but Ddeulgi is listening to what the doctor and grandpa is talking about.

"So doctor how is my grandson? " Ddeulgi hears grandpa asks the doctor. 

"Mr. Kang your grandson is suffering from Borderline personality disorder and he has some traits of a sociopath." Ddeulgi doesn't understand what the doctor is talking about. 

"What is that supposed to mean doctor? My grandson is a sociopath? He is suffering from Borderline personality disorder? How can you tell? " 

"Mr. Kang, Seulgi likes to hurt himself and a sociopath or a person who has this disorder is suicidal. Seulgi claims that he likes to play with a knife and would punch walls and mirrors when he's angry but in reality he cuts himself because he feels unworthy and unimportant so it's normal for people suffering from this disorder to do so. About punching walls and mirrors, people suffering from these two things are very violent and aggressive. Seulgi told me that when the kids at school didn't let him play with them, he would get angry and would hurt them and sociopaths or people who has this disorder as I told you they are violent and aggressive and also sociopaths lack of remorse and shame, while Borderline personality disorder experience intense anger and a short temper. He may also have trouble controlling himself once the fuse is lit—yelling, throwing things, or becoming completely consumed by rage. It’s important to note that this anger isn’t always directed outwards. He may spend a lot of time being angry at himself and that's why he would hurt himself." 

"Doctor, what about when he one time he is very happy and cheerful and the other second he's grumpy and gloomy?"

"About that people with Borderline personality disorder experience extreme emotional swings. Unstable emotions and moods are common with BPD. One moment, they may feel happy, and the next, despondent. Little things that other people brush off can send them into an emotional tailspin. These mood swings are intense, but they tend to pass fairly quickly, usually lasting just a few minutes or hours."

"What caused him to be like this?"

"The causes can consists of chronic fear or distress. Family instability, such as living with a parent who is an alcoholic, or who struggles to manage a mental health problem. ual or physical abuse. Neglect or losing a parent. Has he ever experience those things before?"

"His father is a very busy man and he never has time for his own son. Seulgi would always want to play or to hang out with his father but that never happened because of his works instead I had to be the one who had to give him the love and the attention he has never gotten from his father. Losing a parent, his mother died at childbirth, she lost way too much blood. I've tried to explain to him that his father is working hard because he wants Seulgi to have a bright and stable future but the poor kid just doesn't understand why. I understand my grandson as I could feel the things he felt when the person he wanted attention and love from doesn't even budge."

"I see, that's why when I asked about his family he only talked about his grandpa not his father instead of talking he said he doesn't want to talk about it."

"How can this be fixed?"

"Through medication and therapy."

"Ok doctor please heal my grandson, he's a great boy with a damaged heart."

"I'll do my best Mr.Kang."

"Thank you very much doctor." 

Ddeulgi returns to the waiting room and sits down. So Ddeulgi is sick? But Ddeulgi doesn't have a headache or a stomachache. What is the doctor saying about Ddeulgi? Ddeulgi doesn't understand a word the doctor was saying to grandpa. Well, that's okay, once this is over Ddeulgi will go home and play with knifey. Yay!

I open my eyes and the dream disappears, only to be replaced by the bright light radiating from the sun. These reoccurring dreams are starting to bother me now. I would go to sleep and these childhood memories would always haunt me, why? Why are they coming back? Why now? Do they want me to suffer more than I already had? Can't they just leave me alone? I should probably visit Dr.Moon again or I should probably start taking his medications again. I sit up and take a look at my bedside table, it's only 7:30, I still have some time left before I go pick up the spoiled brat of a cousin. On my bedside table, I spot a little orange cylinder, I pick it up and examine it.

The cylinder is empty then I remembered that they've finished weeks ago, I should probably set an appointment with my therapist again since I really can't remember when was the last time I visited the old man. I should pay the old man a visit as he had helped me with controlling my emotions and coping up with the death of my grandfather back then, he helped me with my drinking problems and suicide attempts, the man helped me a lot more than my own father had ever helped. 

The man had tried and tried to show me love but still I couldn't feel it, I guess my cold, black heart was really stubborn and it still is. I put thoughts aside and get out of bed, I make my way to the bathroom for a nice long morning bath. After my bath, I step out of the bathroom feeling nice and refreshed, I walk over to my closet with only a towel wrapped around my waist. I pick out my favorite jeans and white button up shirt and wear them. I look in the mirror for confirmation about how I look, feeling satisfied with my get-up, I tuck in my shirt and grab my phone and car key then I head out of my place to the basement where my car is parked.

My stomach growls as I drive to Soojung's place and I choose to ignore it. Saturday is usually the day that my schedule would be overflown with meetings and more meetings and also an additional of dinner or lunch with a couple of clients. Since, this Saturday which is today, my schedule isn't packed with meetings and clients but instead it's filled with me spending tons of money on Soojung not that I have a problem with it but it would be nice if she wasn't such a spoiled brat.

I have no idea how her lover can handle her, if it was me then I wouldn't last a minute or even an hour with her and her demands and tantrums let alone a day, I don't know how she does it but props to her for lasting this long. If Soojung wasn't back then today, I would have been in meetings or talking to clients by now but since she's back and demanded me to take her out then I'm in no position to say no as it's Soojung, my spoiled bratty cousin.

I pull my car in front of her place and kill the engine. I get out of the car and walk up to the front door, I press the doorbell and wait for a response. The door opens revealing Soojung in simple clothing yet she looks elegant in plain white loose tank top, short denim and sandals with her shades on. With that get-up, I thought she wanted me to take her to the beach.

"Hey cous." She gives me a welcoming kiss on the cheek.

"Hey cous, I don't remember you telling me that you wanted to go to the beach. I didn't even dress up for it." I and she clicks tongue.

"Speak for yourself cous, I mean a button up shirt tucked in? Are we going to meet a client today? Jesus, cous what's with the get-up today? You don't have to be that formal you know, we're going out for a cousin and cousin time, we're not going on a business trip or whatnot. Loosen up a bit dude, as expected from no jam Seulgi." She sighs and shakes her head in disapproval on my look today.

"Whatever cous, I happen to like the way I look today so your little commentary can't do nothing to me. As much as I want to stand here all day and defend myself, I can't as we have somewhere to go and I'm hungry, so if you're gonna stand here and stare at me then go ahead but I'm not." I turn my feet and walk to my car and I hear her shouting at me.

"YAH! Kang Seulgi! Can't you take a joke?!" She walks fast to my car and get in shutting the door in an angry manner.

"Excuse me Ms.Jung, I would like to advise you not to close the door so hardly as my baby will get hurt." She snorts.

"Really Kang? The car is more important than your own beautiful cousin?"

"Yes." I hear her huff in her seat and I snicker internally at her. I don't bother her and just start the engine driving off to where I'll be taking her.

"Where are you taking me to?" And now the conversation starts after a moment of silence.

"Anywhere you want to go but first we're going to get some breakfast and coffee because I'm hungry and insomnia is killing me."

"Really? You've been having insomnia? Why is that? Is it because of work? If it's because of work then you should really take a break cous, you really should." Soojung says worriedly and I chuckle at her. It's not all because of work, it has so little to do with work, the main reason is not because of a 'something ' but because of a 'someone'.

"I'll tone it down a bit."

"Good boy." She pats my head. I continue driving to the place and listening to Soojung's story about the places she went with either her sister or girlfriend, she would tell me about the places she went to in continents like Europe and South America during her summer breaks. I would listen to her without butting my head in the telltale because I know she doesn't like to be interrupted since she herself is a self-claimed queen. She would show me the pictures she took when she went to those places, it was inconvenient for me to see as I'm the one who's driving but not wanting to hear her tantrums, I had to risk my life just to save myself from getting hurt by her.

Listening to her stories and experiences make me want to visit those places as well, maybe I do need some rest from work like what Soojung said. Maybe I should take a break from work and go relax at our resort or something. If I want to go, will Bae come with me if I were to invite her along? Wait a minute, why am I thinking about inviting her along? Shouldn't I be be thinking about myself rather than me and her? I should really visit Dr.Moon because I'm going insane thinking about her. I pull the car over to the front of the cafe, I switch off the engine and we both out of the car. We both walk inside the cafe and I find myself smiling like a child once I enter the cafe.

"Welcome to our cafe." Two ladies at the counter greet us.

"Hello, good morning." Soojung greets back. "Wow cous, they're so lively." Soojung whispers to me and I smile.

"Hi Seulgi-ssi, what brings you here?" Jieun asks.

"Just getting breakfast." I answer her question and look at the lady beside her and she just stares at me. Don't just stare at me Bae, say something.

"What can I get you both?" Jieun asks.

"Coffee, black and no sugar. We'll have the breakfast set." I tell the order.

"I'll have the house special." Soojung tells her order.

"Alright, I'll get right to it." Jieun says and nudges the lady beside her who's busy staring at me like how I'm also busy staring at her. "Unnie, come on let's get this order done." She then comes back to her senses and gets on with the order. "We'll serve you when it's done." Jieun smiles at us, I nod and put an arm around Soojung's shoulder. I check for her reaction and I can see her expression totally changing from neutral to sour. I internally smile in triumph as I can tell that she's jealous of me and Soojung, that means she's falling for me. I walk us to our seats and pull a chair for Soojung, I go over to the other side and sit down.

"What was that all about." Soojung asks.

"What? What was what all about?"

"How does the lady at the counter know you?"

"I come here often, that's how."

"Ok then."

I look over at the counter and there she is working hard preparing my order, how beautiful and breath-taking she is. Just with that simple style of hers manage to to keep at awe. What is she doing to me? I feel something inside of me like this tingling sensation, what is that? It's probably just hunger and nothing else. I see her walking towards our table with a tray of our orders. I look at every move she does, from setting the orders on the table to her walking back to her station. My eyes never left her. I hear a finger snap and I blink a couple times to see Soojung looking at me.

"Who is she and why do you keep staring at her?" Soojung asks.

"Someone." I answer then take a sip of my drink.

"Don't be an and answer properly." Demanding as ever.

"She's someone me and Seungwan hung out with and some couple of other friends of Seungwan that's it."

"Really? It doesn't seem like a couple of hangouts with you both, I mean I see you looking at her when she isn't looking and her looking at you when you're not looking like what's the deal?"

"Soojung-ah, I'm starving can we please eat first then talk; I need my energy."

"Fine but you're going to answer my questions after we're done here."

"Sure." I mutter dryly. We both then start to eat our breakfast and from time to time, I would glance at the girl behind the counter . Looking at how hard-working she is, it warms my heart, my cold, black heart somehow. She's currently attending this one male customer and the way he looks at her makes me want to walk up to him and make him blind for looking at my girl, she's mine so back off . I feel myself burning inside, burning in rage. My hand balls up into a fist without my consent and I swear to god that if he doesn't stop looking at her within ten seconds, I will gouge his eyeballs out.

One.

Two.

Three.

Four.

Five, you're half way to becoming blind dude.

Six.

Seven.

Eight.

Nine.

Nine and one fourth.

Nine and one half.

Nine and three fourths.

You were very very very close to becoming blind punk.

"Finished?" I ask Soojung.

"Yeah, dude you ate too fast bro." Soojung exclaims and I slightly chuckle.

"I was starving so it's a usual for me to eat fast when I'm starving." I state and Soojung rolls her eyes.

"Whatever cous, now go pay for the meal while I go wait at the front door." Bossy as ever.

"Fine." I stand up and make my way to the counter. I find myself smiling again and this tingling sensation is back again, what is this kind of feeling? My eyes never left her and neither does hers. "How much is our meal?" I ask her and she shakes her head coming back to her senses.

"15,000 won sir." She says quietly. I hand her my credit card and she takes it then swipes the card. She then hands the card back to me and our hands slightly collide on purpose. She flinches at the touch and it makes me want to laugh at how obvious she's showing the effect I have on her. I lean in closer to her.

"Don't stare at me for too long darling because I might not want to look away." I whisper so that the only two of us can hear. I lean back to look at her and she looks like her soul has left her body. "I'll see the both of you later." I tell them and smirk at her.

"Have a nice day Seulgi-ssi." Jieun smiles and I simply nod.

I walk to the front door where Soojung is standing waiting