WOW... Its been a while right?

I dont even know what I am doing... I quit my job, moved back in with my mom after 2 years of living on my own. So you can say I couldn't find the time to keep writing this. But I wanted to so badly so now I am back! Though only a short chapter...

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Its been a while since I have felt his hands on my skin.  A while since his soft voice was directed at me. We haven't talked for exactly 12 days 7 hours and some minutes. I know, it's weird isn't it? To keep track of the exact time Jimin had hung up on me. But it is my fault for making it end like that.

What if I could have convinced him to stay with me?

What if my actions caused so much damage that it can't be repaired?

All those what ifs..

Will they help me at all? Do I even want this to be repaired? For what? For being in a hidden relationship with him? We will never be able to tell anyone about us.

It has been hard on me for the last weeks when it became more serious.

I have wanted to tell Jimin how I feel. How he made me feel. I felt loved in his embrace and loved when he looked at me.

Never have I felt such a connection to another being. We understood each other and gave each other stability.

All of this is over? My head understood it. But tell this my heart. It was raging and hurt.

How did all of this happen?

Jimin is my person. I realized it. He was my star and he has become my everything. I love him. Plain and simple.. And yet here I am sulking in my bed and contemplating.

Should I go out there and find myself a rebound? Just the thought of it made me feel nauseous. I am not that kind of a person. Sleeping with Jimin was a big step for me though I dont regret it. At all.

It was beautiful. He was caring, almost slow and he made me feel so deliquet in his arms. Nothing would I want to take this memory from me. The first time we became so intimate. No barrier was left between us. He was in me and it felt wonderful.

I sigh.

Turning around in my bed I reach out for my phone to check the time. With a loud gasp I throw the blanket off of me and jump out of bed. Late yet again.

Too hard for me to bring myself to get to work, and so I daily run to be there just in time.

This morning no difference. I get ready in a rush and head out.

As of today the promotions for a new comeback start. Its going to be busy, but I don’t mind. It helps me to keep my head from thinking too much.

I see Jimin almost everyday, although I haven’t done his makeup ever since. Sometimes I wish to touch him. In any way, even if its to make him ready for a show. But then I imagine bringing my fingers through his soft hair… and that bings back memories of him hovering over me, languidly thursting into me. Little grunts and moans escaping his plush lips.

So I rather not have him near me.

How can I say that about a boy I am in love with? He is the one I want to get old with, share all my thoughts and dreams with. And yet I am afraid to be near him.

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From the corner of my eye I can see him. Jimin looks good. He smiles with the others and even laughs out loud about one of Taehyung’s jokes. I can’t hear them so I don’t know what they are talking about. But it hurt all the same. He doesn’t seem to be phased by our breakup. Jimin seems like he just lived on. Sure, I can’t demand of him to be sad… right?

Not even a little?

I am hurt and so is he isn’t he? He should be. Unless our relationship didnt mean anything to him… But that’s not how he was when we met up. He was caring and lovely to me.

Jimin’s head bobs in my direction and our eyes meet. He never once looked at me before but now he did. None of us looked away and so we stood there and looked at each other.

Should I smile? Wave a little?

He seems to be in his own thoughts because when Taehyung talks to him he does not react at all. Only after he tabs Jimin on his shoulder does he avert his gaze from me.

I should have smiled. Show him I was alright. I don’t want him to know that I cried. That I am hurt. He might think I actually cared.