Changsun's jaw dropped as the door slammed shut leaving them with this tension so high they could have cut the air with the knife. But he wasn't as much in trance and shock like the other hyungs, Sanghyun and Sangbae. Yes, he was startled with Cheolyong's decision. But he didn't let them get to him. Instead, his eyes flew around to study the others. And it pained him to see how the words Cheolyong had thrown to them had somehow hurt the others especially Byunghee.

          What was the point coming all the way here if he was only going to accept whatever excuses Cheolyong tossed to him and the others and joining the pretense of maknae's death when he was obviously still alive and kicking?

          Mad and confused, he stomped after Cheolyong but as he was about to walk past Jinwoon, the younger caught his elbow, effectively stopping him in his track. He threw a glare to the younger but the younger man only shook his head once.

          "Can we talk?" Jinwoon asked, waiting for all of them to at least take their eyes off of the closed door to Cheolyong's room. He sighed at the sight before him. Those sad pairs of eyes were almost similar to Cheolyong but he had looked deeper in Cheolyong's brown orbs, 'sad' was an understatement. There was hell in there. And he want these people who were important to Cheolyong to know what he knew. Jinwoon put Hajin down. "Can you go and accompany uncle Cheolyong?" He smiled as Hajin nodded and bounced to the door to Cheolyong room and the room opened slightly at Hajin's voice before letting the small child to enter and it closed again. Jinwoon turned back to the others who was waiting impatiently. He walked ahead towards the living room, leading the other five men. "Have a seat." Jinwoon offered before taking a place on a armchair.

          The others settled down on the long couch side by side and only Seungho sat on the other armchair. "What is it that you want to talk about?" Seungho inquired.

          Jinwoon took a deep breath before he started. "First of all, I'm sorry for Cheolyong's behavior."

          "You don't have to." Byunghee cut in. "We know it must have been hard for him."

          Jinwoon had to say, he was surprised at how accurate Byunghee was but it seemed only Byunghee who was on the same wavelength as him but the others seemed pretty much confused with Cheolyong's behavior and decision.

          "He was hanging by a thin thread after the explosion." Jinwoon continued after a long minute, thinking deeply on how or even where to start his story. "He was 85% burnt and there is almost to none chance of survival unless I use an illegal medical practice. It is a high risk but at that time, that is the only choice left." He looked up guiltily at Seungho but the NIS agent simply nodded, even looked grateful to know Jinwoon did everything to save Cheolyong. Maybe Seungho would have made the same decision as well regardless how he was supposed to stand on the side of the legal law. "I left him in a care of someone I trust. But soon after he healed, he left to North."

          "Are you trying to say the assassination of North president is really his work after all?" Seungho's eyes widened.

          Jinwoon nodded. "He left without news for months and only last week that he suddenly appear again. But…" Jinwoon trailed off, his grabbed on the armchair, digging his nails into the leather sofa.

          "But?" Byunghee whispered, softly encouraging Jinwoon to continue.

          Jinwoon inhaled again when he felt the rhythm of his breathing started to quickened and wavering. He calmed himself down before he continued, "He- I'm sorry." He took another few seconds as his voice broke to compose himself again. "He came back in one piece. Smiling even but I know the moment our eyes met. He came back broken into shattering pieces that can never be fix. Even if I can glue the pieces back together, the cracks and missing pieces will still be too fragile." Jinwoon looked up. "I know I'm using such weird words to describe but that is exactly what I see. I didn't see Cheolyong. I see a broken soul."

          "I know." Byunghee spoke up. "I understand what you mean. I saw hell residing inside his eyes." Byunghee bent down, he sobbed into his palms. "Oh god… I saw it. I saw it clearly but again, I can't do anything about it. I can only watch from side as he burn himself inside that hell he created. WHY? WHY IS HE ALWAYS SUFFERING?"

          "Killing a person is like chipping a part of our soul. And he did that a lot. Now, his soul was chipped out to core. There is none left." Jinwoon said. "There is no way to get him out of that hell. Because he create that hell on his own."

          "I want to help him. I want to but he won't let me." Byunghee sobbed and let himself being pulled up and into Sanghyun's embrace and continued to let his tears wetting Sanghyun's shirt in turn.

          "We all want to help him, hyung." Sanghyun cooed, rubbing onto Byunghee's back, feeling like crying himself but his other hand was firmly taken by Sangbae who was trembling with overwhelming feeling washing him away. He had to be strong!

          "We can help him, can we?" Changsun asked quietly from the side. He knew how hopeless this situation they were in when he saw how Byunghee faltered. If even Byunghee had given up, what can they do? They got their maknae back, alive, but dead in every other possible way.

          "No one can help him. That's why I don't try harder to convince him to let you guys know he was still alive because… He isn't. He isn't alive, just merely surviving." Jinwoon revealed, his face scrunched up in deep pain as he spoke. "Even I can't help him. He is empty."

################

"Samchoon. Can I really live with you?" Hajin asked, shifting inside Cheolyong's hold to peer up on his uncle's round eyes. "I thought you told me you have a lot of work and I should stay with Seungho uncle."

          Cheolyong sighed. "Are you happy living with Seungho uncle?" Cheolyong asked back, leaning backwards against the headboard and pulled Hajin with him until the little boy settled on his laps.

          Hajin make a thinking look before nodding with a bright smile. "He treats me well. But he's busy these days. I'm not sad though. The other uncles play with me well too. Byunghee uncle, Changsun uncle, Sanghyun uncle and sometimes Sangbae uncle!" Hajin counted on his small short fingers. "I love them all."

          "More than me?" Cheolyong teased.

          "I love you most samchoon. Because you look like mom." Hajin's smile slowly faded and his cheery voice turned into mumbling towards the end. "You have the same eyes as mom, granny and aunt Hyojin. I miss them." He sniffled and his big fat tears plopped down his cheeks. "Samchoon. I miss them." He sobbed.

          Cheolyong bit his own lips so hard he taste the iron in his mouth as he turned Hajin to face him on his laps. He cupped the crying boy's cheeks. "Then look at my eyes closely if you miss them." He said, running his thumb across the child's now flushed cheeks.

          "You w-won't leave me right?" Hajin questioned between his settling sobs.

          "Of course I won't."

          "Mom said the same too when those people barged into our house but after aunt Hyojin take me away from our house, I never see her again." Hajin's small lips now formed a pout.

          "Hey, she never left. As long as you keep her here-" Cheolyong let his palm rest on Hajin's left chest. "She will live inside here. And here." He said, palming his own chest.

          Hajin looked down and did the same as Cheolyong, palming his own chest. "Mom? Are you in there?" He asked naively. "I miss you."

          Cheolyong smiled slightly and leaned down. "I miss you too." He whispered.

          "Samchoon." Hajin called again and continued when Cheolyong hummed in response. "Do you want me to stay with you here?"

          "Do you want to?" Cheolyong watched Hajin, patiently waited as the small child looked up in thought, hands fiddling with one another.

          "I want to." Hajin finally answered. "But I want Seungho uncle, Byunghee uncle, Changsun uncle and Sanghyun uncle to come and live with us too." Hajin saw the look Cheolyong gave him and hesitated. "C-Can't we?"

          Cheolyong shook his head in dismay. "Their life does not belong here with me. I'm not going to make you choose sweetheart. You can stay with them."

          "But I want you to be with me too. You always play with me."

          "Who said I can't? I can still come and visit you always. Didn't I promise you this already?"

          "Well yeah… But it's not the same."

          Cheolyong tapped on Hajin's nose. "It is exactly the same. Before, I lived away from home too, remember? It's just like the old days. I'll go visit you sometimes and we can have fun together."

          Hajin looked unconvinced but he nodded once. "Promise?"

          "Promise."

          "Then… You won't be weird anymore?"

          At that words, Cheolyong was taken back. It was true when people said you couldn't deceive child's eyes. They might be naïve and young but they knew when something was wrong. "Weird how?"

          "You're not smiling."

          Hajin looked into Cheolyong's eyes. Cheolyong's lips might curled into a smile but his eyes didn't and that was where Hajin looked at.

          Cheolyong's eyes were not smiling…

###################

Watching over Hajin sleeping, Cheolyong felt his mind as empty as his heart. He let out a sigh. It seemed that he couldn't sleep again tonight. Aware that if he was able to sleep, that nightmare would haunt him again. When Hajin rolled over in his sleep, Cheolyong cooed after the small child, lightly patting the child's thigh to get the child deeper into his own dreamland before Cheolyong stood up from the bed.

          With silent careful steps, he walked out of the dim-lit room and into bright living room passing the former MBLAQ members and Sangbae sprawled all over the floor of the living room in tangled mess while sharing the comforter. Cheolyong felt a pang in his chest. He remembered those days back then when he fall asleep in the practice room with other MBLAQ members whenever the heater was broken in the dorm.

          It had been uncomfortable with Byunghee treating Cheolyong like his own personal teddy bear but it was warm. The warmest Cheolyong ever felt and at that time, he even wondered if that was what family felt like, well, that was before he knew he had a family.

          Sighing once again, Cheolyong shook his head when he realized he had been standing there, staring over the sleeping figures and turned around, about to head to the kitchen for a drink when he jolted up at the sight of Changsun standing there, staring at him with a cup of coffee in his hand. Cheolyong felt heat crept onto his cheeks thinking that Changsun had been watching him staring at these people like a weirdo and hung his head low and tried to walk past the older without saying anything.

          But his wrist was caught by Changsun as he was about to walk past the older. At the touch of the warm hand on his, Cheolyong yanked away his hand in reflex, eyes widened in guilt at the hurt flashed across Changsun's face. Cheolyong gathered his arms around his body, almost like hugging himself. It was not like he hated Changsun or anything but he suddenly remembered how Changsun avoided his touch before like he was a plague.

          Cheolyong had heard from Jinwoon that all of former members of MBLAQ had already known his real job behind the pretense identity of the MBLAQ maknae. Somehow it made sense to him with all those unreadable stares he sometimes caught his hyungs were throwing his way, the way they sometimes thread their way carefully around him and the way Byunghee was there each and everytime his barely glued together heart broke again and again.

          Sometimes he wondered would it be easier if he didn't have heart which constantly hurting and cause him pain everywhere aside.

          "Do you want coffee?" Changsun asked, clenching his fingers as he tried not to read too much into Cheolyong's gesture of avoiding him and hating him.

          Cheolyong looked up for a moment before his eyes drifted back to floor. He shook his head. "I'll get my own drink. Thanks anyway." He muttered and went into the kitchen, ignoring the fact that Changsun had followed him and sat on the dining table while watching his one and every move.

          "How long are you going to act like this?" Changsun asked calmly, sipping on his warm coffee. "Don't be childish and sit. I want to talk to you."

          Cheolyong blinked, dumbstruck that Changsun could actually sound like a hyung and he was acting sternly with Cheolyong leaving the younger no choice other than obeying the order coming from the older. With a glass of cold water in his hand, he pulled the chair and sat facing Changsun.

          Changsun leaned back on his chair and his fingers drumming the table as he kept his eyes glued on Cheolyong. "So…" He started again. "Will you tell me why wouldn't you let us know you are alive?"

          Cheolyong chewed his bottom lip before answering with a small sigh. "Isn't it better for all of us?" He questioned back, daring to raise his gaze and stared back into Changsun's almond eyes. "I mean, all of you have been able to get over me and move on with your life, so why are you looking for me now? Just because Jinwoon was acting suspicious? Have you ever even thought to just forget and live on. It's not like you need me to keep on living." Cheolyong let it all out.

          "Is that what you think?" Changsun, still calm just carved a bitter smile on his lips. "Did you watch over us from far? Or maybe used Jinwoon to know about us?" Changsun leaned forward. "You conclude that we are just fine even without you. Well, yes, I can say that we still live on, move on. But you didn't look closer. Just three days ago I ask Byunghee hyung if he misses us together. If he misses you. Do you know what was his answer?"

          Cheolyong swallowed. "What?" His voice almost not coming out.

          Changsun shook his head. "He closed his eyes and turned away. I heard his whisper even though it was not meant for me to hear. So much. He said that. So much. And he said that after months we thought you are dead. I bet he will have the same answer to that question even after years. Same goes to us."

          Cheolyong inhaled sharp breath, his chest tightened and his eyes warmed up with hot tears threatening to escape.

          "Look closer and you will see, we always need you. Don't you need us too?" Changsun reached out his hand opening his palm facing the ceiling. "We all miss you. So much."

          Hesitant, Cheolyong reached for Changsun's hand, pausing a few times, having doubt coloring his mind but once their hands touched he let all the doubts go and just sobbed pathetically in front of Changsun.

          Changsun stood up, walking around the table without releasing Cheolyong's hand and pulled the younger up into his embrace. He felt Cheolyong quivered inside his hold and he felt the warm tears seeping through his shirt. "We miss our crazy maknae who is also secretly a deadly assassin."

          "Mianhae hyung. But-"

          "No more excuse." Changsun pulled away. "You are still alive and here with us. That's all that matter."

          "No. Hyung, my past does matter. I can't erase them. I can't erase the fact that I am a killer, a murderer. I am not like all of you. I am monster. I can't turn back to that life." Inhaling deeply, Cheolyong stepped backward, away from Changsun's reach. "Those days back when we live together, happy… I'll cherish them. Those days are the happiest in my life. The days I could have live under the sun but I can't deceive myself any longer. I belong under the shadow. It's good enough for me to see the light you show me even if it was only in those short time." Cheolyong turned away. "It is enough for me. And I thank all of you for that."

          Changsun growled, catching Cheolyong's elbow. "IS IT?" He raised his voice. "Is it enough for you? And then what? Now you are going to crawl back into darkness? Bull! What stop you? What stop you from living under the sun with us?"

          "MY SIN!" Cheolyong panted, his tears were wetting his flushed face. "How can I live happy knowing how many lives I took with these hands? Weren't you disgusted by me too? I'm a killer! You know that and you hate that! Don't lie to me! You hate me!" Cheolyong struggled, yanking his elbow from Changsun's grip but in turn Changsun's arm circled him in a tight suffocating hug.

          "I don't! I was afraid at first. Yes, I admit. But you are still Cheolyong. Our maknae. And I have always smile with you around. I know you are more than just a cold-hearted killer. No! You're Cheolyong. And I want my dongsaeng back."

          "No, hyung. That Cheolyong has never exist from the start. What you love and miss is nothing but a fake character I played off." Cheolyong said, squeezing his eyes shut and he pushed against Changsun's chest. "I was trained to kill since I was a child. I was given a task to be that Cheolyong, the happy carefree country bumpkin. But I'm not him. He is merely a creation of me to cover up the real me who went on killing spree when I got a chance." Cheolyong smirked. "I used to kill so easily. I even enjoy it. Mercy? Sympathy? I have no sort of feeling. Except thirst for blood."

          "Stop, Cheolyong-"

          "I love seeing them suffer before their death. I kept watching as life leave their eyes and oh man the thrilling feels that came with those-"

          "Stop, Cheolyong. I said, stop-"

          "All of them always beg if I let them alive for just a minute more. Please don't kill me. Spare me. I feel superior that their lives are under my feet but I have to taste the blood. So, I never spare anyone. That's who I am, Changsun hyung. I am a monster. You have to see it."

          "No. Are you even listening to yourself? How can I believe you when your voice is so shaky like that? When you sound like a lost child? Your eyes and your words didn't match at all." Changsun rubbed on his temple. "You are not a monster, Cheolyong. But you created one of yourself. Only you can destroy that monster. If you let us help, it will be easier."

          Changsun took a step closer but froze when Cheolyong back off from him. The younger shrunk into himself, hugging himself like a broken child trying to protect himself from any more harm. What the hell? Him of all people would never harm Cheolyong.

          "Why? Why are you afraid of me?" Changsun asked out of blue.

          "I'm not afraid of you." Cheolyong mumbled.

          "Yes, you are. You have fear in your eyes? Have I ever hurt you in any way?"

          It was a long silence that follow that Changsun thought Cheolyong wouldn't answer until the younger did in a fleeting whisper. "You are kind. Kind people are scary. Kind people make my heart beats again." Cheolyong inhaled and exhaled a wavering breath. "It starts to hurt once my heart beats again sometimes I wish it stay dead as before."

          Changsun couldn't believe until now how much words could have hurt so much. Now he was in immense pain. He didn't know what exactly hurt him. The words Cheolyong spoke or the miserable state Cheolyong was in…

          He sighed. Cheolyong won't let him do this easily. "I think we both had enough for tonight. Go to sleep." Changsun told, turning away from the younger and he heard as the soft steps fading away and the door was shut. Only then he let the strength left his body as he flopped down on the chair like a fallen leaf.

          Cheolyong just seemed too far out of reach…