Winter had arrived in Massachusetts and Gerald was spending Christmas break at his Uncle John’s home in Boston. His father also came in and they were busy decorating the 6 foot Douglas Fir that they had hauled home from a Christmas Tree farm.

It was a cherished holiday ritual for the Anderson Family. Unusual as it may seem, it was not the women that takes care of the tree but it was done by the men in the family. Every detail was just right, the women took care of the food, Christmas Carols filled the air and Gerald was glad to be with everyone.

But no matter how hard he tried, he just couldn’t get in the proper spirit. He knew the reason why. There was something missing, someone very special to be exact. It wouldn’t take a genius to know who. It was Kim and nobody else.

Gerald had been here for four years now but there never was a day that he didn’t think of her. Leaving her behind almost killed him but Kim had made it clear that she wanted to let go. He had no choice but to give her the space she needed to work things through. His own feelings were also jumbled up. It was undeniably painful to see her and feel as if they were separated by a universe of emotional distance.

He recalled the conversation he had with his Dad just a few days after his arrival to the US.

“You told me the reason why you suddenly chose to come here but you didn’t give me the details. Do you want to talk about it?” His Dad asked.

“There’s not too much to say…We just drifted apart.”

Randy Anderson darted his son a sharp but understanding glance. “Come on, RJ. There must be a bigger reason than that. I’m your Dad but I am also your friend. You know that you can always talk to me about anything. No suffering in silence, remember?”

And so, Gerald poured out the whole story to his father, or at least, what he understood of it.

“Do you really want Kim to be over you?” His Dad inquired.

“What do you mean, Dad?”

“Oh, you know very well what I mean, son.” There was seriousness on his Father’s face.

“I don’t know, Dad.” was Gerald’s answer. “I just don’t want her to be hurt anymore but…”

“But what?”

“I guess I was afraid.”

His Dad didn’t answer at that point, allowing Gerald to say things for himself.

“I guess I was afraid of crossing the line. My past relationships didn’t work. I can’t risk anything, Dad. Not with Kim.”

“Why?”

“Because I don’t want to lose her…I…” His last sentence trailed off unfinished.

“Are you saying that…”

“Yes Dad.” Gerald answered right out. He looked at his father and was himself very serious. “I love her. I’ve always been in love with Kim.”

Hearing himself say these words placed every wayward thoughts and jumbled emotions in its proper perspective. He had always been in love with Kim but he was too scared to admit it. He was afraid he might not be able to pull through it. He didn’t think he could go through with a serious relationship because the truth was, he too was afraid of getting hurt again. He had been through a lot in his life especially when his parents got divorced. He was so afraid that the same thing or its equivalent was going to happen and he just didn’t think he could go through it again.

Kim was his best friend and he knew of the pains that she had been through. She had been hurt before and so he did all that he can to protect her, even to the point of sacrificing what he truly felt for her. In his efforts of so doing, he didn’t realize that he was already hurting her. When Kim told him about her feelings, it took him aback and he didn’t know whether to jump at it or like what he’d always done, pretend that she was just a friend.

About an hour later, Gerald was driving across a bridge over the Charles River into downtown Boston. He wanted to check an exhibit at the Boston Museum of Fine Arts. His cousin, Adam had earlier invited him to the movies but Gerald declined. He’d rather be alone. The truth was, he had not been to any movie house since he got to the States because being there reminded him of Kim and the times they’ve watched movies together.

“Kimmy, are you crying?” He remembered asking her one time. He caught her sniffing at the end of the show.

“Of course not!” Kim denied even though it was pretty obvious. “May sipon lang ako, hindi ako umiiyak.”

“You should see your face, Kim!” He teased.

“Ang sama nito!” Kim playfully swatted his arm.

If he would be asked, there were a lot of things that he missed about her. He missed the way she looked at him, the way her nose wrinkles; he missed the sound of her voice the list just goes on and on. But right that very moment, Gerald missed the way Kim laughed and the way she made him laugh.

Funny how he had seemed to have taken it for granted back in the old days. Maybe it was because Kim had always been around and it had never really occurred to him that they would part ways. Before he entered the Big Brother’s house, he was just living life one day at a time. He could only care less about what tomorrow brings and then came Kim with her positive outlook in life and her bubbly personality. She helped her restore his faith in himself, in what he could do and what he could become.

Gerald couldn’t help but smile. He parked on a street side as his attention was caught by two teenagers, walking down the street and laughing their hearts out. He was like that with Kim. Ever since they met, they’ve never ran out of things to talk and laugh about.

Gerald turned the engine on and once again went on his way. For the first time in a long time, Gerald hummed to the tune of Crazy Love as thoughts of Kim lingered on his mind.

When he entered the museum, there was a group of teenage girls and Gerald was aware that all eyes were on him. He gave them a kind and polite smile. As soon as he left, the girls giggled and swooned.

“Excuse me; can I have a picture with you?”

Gerald turned around and was surprised. “Phoem?”

“Hi Gerald! You look good as ever. Kumusta ka na?”

Gerald greeted the lady with a kiss on her cheek. Phoem White was also half-Filipino and they met sometime four years ago when he first got to the States. His cousin, Adam was supposed to meet her for a date but had to call-in sick at the last minute and asked Gerald if he could go on his behalf.

Phoem was beautiful and was herself a good conversationalist but the date that was supposed to happen turned into an advice encounter. Gerald could not remember who opened up first but they just found themselves talking things through. Phoem shared her dilemma. She wanted to get back with her ex-boyfriend but didn’t have the guts to do the first move towards reconciliation because she was the one who initiated the break up.

“I’m fine. Fancy meeting you here!” Gerald exclaimed. “Ikaw naman, kumusta ka na?”

Phoem smiled teasingly. “I just saw what happened outside. You still have it in you. The girls still go crazy over you.” She paused for a while. “Anyway, I’m sorry, I know you don’t want to talk about things like that.”

“No, it’s okay. Don’t be. How are you?”

“Very happy and I have you to thank for that. I took your advice and now…” She raised her left hand for Gerald to see.

“Wow! You guys got married already?” Gerald said as he saw the wedding band on his friend’s finger. “Congratulations!”

“Thanks, Gerald…So, how are you?” Phoem asked once again.

Gerald then took a deep breath before answering. “I’m okay, I guess.”

“You still think of her after all these years, huh!” Phoem said knowingly.

Gerald nodded in response. Phoem knew the whole story and has told him before to just be true to his feelings.

“Nothing’s ever too late, Gerald and if I were you, I won’t waste any second anymore…”

“I could see that she’s happy with her life now.” Gerald said. Even if he was halfway across the world, he’d always known about Kim and the things that had happened to her life. “Maybe she’s over me.”

“Who told you that?” Phoem asked. “You’ll never know. Anyway Gerald, I’ve really got to get going. My husband must already be outside by now. It was really nice talking to you again.”

“Likewise, Phoem!” Gerald said as he gave her a quick hug. “Thank you.”

“Don’t thank me just yet. Do just what you told me, just be true with your feelings. Promise me that the next time we’ll bump into each other, kasama mo na si Kim, okay?” She winked.

Gerald threw her a wistful smile. “See you then…”

Gerald couldn’t tell how long he had stared at Kim’s picture that was right above her name at the lighted billboard when he entered the Orpheum Theatre. His heart pounded with excitement and anxiety at the thought of seeing her again in person.

The seconds ticked by and before he knew it, Kim was already on stage, smiling and waving at the crowd. His heart swelled at the sight of her. He had watched her on TFC since he left the Philippines but seeing her right before his eyes felt entirely different. Four years had done nothing to change the way he felt when he looked at her. The feeling was the same and Gerald had a strong yearning to wrap her in his arms but he just had to stop himself. He didn’t know what to do. He was immobilized and stared at her while his heart sang with joy.

“Tito Randy?” Kim exclaimed the very moment she saw Mr. Anderson waiting for her as she descended the stage’s stairs. She wasn’t really expecting to see him there and she secretly hoped that Gerald was with him too.

“That was really a wonderful show, sweetheart and you look absolutely beautiful tonight!” Randy Anderson planted a soft kiss on her cheek.

Kim blushed the moment she heard the word, sweetheart. Gerald’s parents had always called her that way and it felt good that even if her love team with their son was no longer there, she had remained close to his parents and they had really looked after her like their own daughter.

“Thanks, Tito.”

“Here, these are for you…”

Kim took the bouquet of pink roses that Gerald’s father handed out to her.

“These flowers are beautiful, Tito.” Kim smiled. “I’m really glad to see you here. It’s been what, two years since we last saw each other? How are you?”

“I’m great.” Randy answered. How he wanted to let Kim know that Gerald was just around but his son made him promise not to mention anything about him or the flowers that came from him, not unless Kim would be the one to ask.

Kim felt queasy and nervous. Could it be that Gerald was around? Would it be okay to ask his Dad? Her mind didn’t want to hope that Gerald was there but her heart yearned otherwise. As far as she was concerned, Gerald was busy with school and would not care about going to her show. But if Ken had done what he told her… she really didn’t know what to think. At that instance she was trying to manage her heart’s expectations.

“I was able to talk to Ken about two weeks ago. He didn’t tell me you’ll be coming. This is such a pleasant surprise.” Kim said, still wanting to make sure if Gerald was indeed with his father.

“I made sure I’ll be here so I could see you.”

Much to Kim’s disappointment, her Tito Randy’s casual reply just confirmed that he was alone. The mere fact that Gerald didn’t show any signs of interest about seeing her, nor had made any efforts to make it to her show instantly crushed her good spirits. Kim was well aware that Gerald’s dad was observing her closely for some reason she could not fathom so as difficult as it was, she put on a happy face and said “Tito, it was really nice to see you again. Please send my warm regards to Tita Vangie and Ken.”

She gave Gerald’s dad a light peck on the cheek and excused herself so that she could wallow in despair at the backstage…

Little did she know that someone in the sidelines was also watching her every move and reaction. Gerald at the end of the show excitedly hid behind one of the heavy curtains waiting for his “cue” to appear before his lady love’s eyes. Unfortunately, the turn of events didn’t go as he hoped it would be. Kim did not even mention his name in her whole conversation with his dad, a clear indication that he was not anymore important in her life. With a defeated spirit, Gerald turned his back and walked away…

Time flew fast and spring had finally come to Massachusetts. April showers had melted the last lumps of dry, drifted snow and flowers of different kind brighten yards and fields with color.

Gerald took a deep, cleansing breath. A gentle breeze blew on his face; the sun was at his back. It made him feel like a brand new person and yet, it didn’t seem to make him feel complete. It had been five years since he turned his back to the glitz and glamour of Philippine showbiz and decided to pursue a degree in engineering. In those years he had experienced a lot of hardships yet he was indeed grateful that he was able to get through them. He had been able to graduate from school and it was an achievement that he was really proud of. A dream that had come true but all the more, he felt this longing and emptiness deep inside.

Out of habit, he went inside the house and gone straight into his room. He turned the TV on and picked up on where he stopped last night. It was something that he’d done every night for five years now. He’d sit there and watch their old videos and taped copies of their shows. It was his way of being with Kim. It made him laugh, smile, cry and hope all at the same time.

“I will always be here for you Kim…try to always make you happy and I promise you that you will only cry happy tears.” He heard himself say in one of the interviews.

For a minute or two, his world stopped. That was a promise that he was willing to go through hell to keep but back then, leaving was his way of making her happy. He closed his eyes as he reflected on his feelings. It had remained the same all these years, it had always been Kim and now, there was no use denying…He couldn’t bear the thought of losing completely the only person he had loved the most.

Gerald picked up the phone…It was about time.

******************************************************************

Merry Christmas Everyone!

Kimmy and Ge, thank you! I love you both as always. :-)