“Do you think you’ll feel well enough to go to work tomorrow?” Imee asked in concern on Saturday evening. Kim had been sick for three days now.

Kim was sitting on the couch, thumbing disinterestedly through some magazine.

“Probably,” she muttered. “I think I’m over this flu thing.”

“Mabuti naman. Worried na ako sa’yo. Are you sure you’ll be alright?”

Kim nodded with a shy smile.

Just then, the doorbell chimed. Imee left to check on it, returning a minute later. “It’s someone for you.”

Kim’s expression was neutral but her heart hopped into anyhow. Could that someone be Gerald? She hoped it was – and hoped it wasn’t. She was split down the middle emotionally, dying to see him at the same time she was pretty sure she wasn’t ready to talk to him just yet.

“Your guess is as good as mine earlier.” Her handler said as if she was reading her mind. “It’s Ge.”

“What is he doing here?” Kim asked, almost to herself alone.

“Kimmy,” Imee placed an understanding arm around her. “I may not know exactly what the problem is, but hey, Gerald is your friend, right? It’s but natural for him to worry dahil sick ka and that’s why he’s here.”

“Where is he, Ate?” Kim asked, finally realizing that maybe, it’s time to face Gerald again. It was once and for all what she could do. She needed to know for herself where she was in her efforts of letting go. She couldn’t bear the thought of being in one place with Gerald with things hanging out all over and loose ends flapping in the breeze. She needed some kind of closure. She hoped that her quiet resolve to get him out of her system would last until she can finally say that she was over him.

“Sa garden.” Imee answered. “I also need to go. See you tomorrow, okay?” She gave Kim a kiss on the cheek and hugged her before she left.

Kim felt nervous as she made her way out to the garden. Her arms were shaking and her palms were damped. The past few weeks had been a real struggle for her mentally and emotionally.

She saw Gerald standing by the poolside, shifting his weight from one foot to another.

“Ge…” She said breathlessly. Kim wondered if he could hear her heart pounding.

“Hi. Sorry to stop by without calling first.” Gerald smiled awkwardly. “Kumusta ka na? I heard that you’re sick.” Concern was still evident in his voice.

Kim looked down. “I caught a flu but I feel better now.” She paused. “Thank you for checking out on me.”

A moment of deafening silence overcame them. Kim folded her arms as a gentle breeze rustled the leaves. She felt cold.

“Ummm…I…I know it’s been a while since… and I wouldn’t blame you if you don’t want but, well…” Gerald stammered on the words. Gerald was well aware that what he’s saying was incomprehensible to Kim.

Seeing the reluctance in his eyes, Kim felt her knees go weak. What in the world was Gerald going to tell her? She never wanted to rely on false hopes anymore and so she had to stop herself from thinking further. She loved him still but she has never wanted to solicit for his promises and confessions of love. If Gerald ever wanted to express her feelings for her – granted that there was, she wanted him to do it because he wanted to and not because she asked nor because he was pushed to the wall by her revelation.

She blinked up and for the first time since her confession, she dared to look at him then wondered how she could ever get over those gorgeous eyes of his. Her heart still fluttered when he looked at her.

“I guess what I’m really trying to say is that I’m…” Gerald cleared his throat and Kim held her breath.

“I’m sorry for causing you so much pain.” Gerald finally added. He knew he had to say sorry. He wanted to. It’s the least that he could do though he knew it would never be enough.

Kim released her breath. She felt stupid and ashamed of herself all over again. It felt as if a bucket of cold water was splashed over her. It was clear. Gerald was saying his apologies because there really was no way he felt the same way towards her.

But she also wanted to maintain her composure or at least fake one. She needed to redeem herself, promising that she would never shed a tear no matter how painful it would be.

Proud of herself for holding back the tears, Kim fake an expression that was difficult to distinguish.

“No, Gerald. I should be the one to say that. I’m sorry that I messed up. I won’t make the same mistake again because it was such a stupid thing to do.” She took a few steps away from him as feelings of self-pity dawned on her. “But you see, you don’t have to worry because I’m determined to get over this craziness and to get over you. You don’t have to put up with me since I’ll be out of your life from now on.”

“Kim, I can’t blame you for feeling that way but I will never get tired of saying sorry for hurting you.” Gerald walked towards her. “This is hurting me too.”

“No, I guess it doesn’t.” Kim said, shaking her head. She had already started it and might as well go all the way. “It wouldn’t change anything anyway.”

Not that she didn’t think that it was hurting Gerald as well. She can see the pain that was in his eyes but she had to say those things. She thought it was one way, a reason for Gerald to hate her and leave her alone. As much as she loved him, she knew it was impossible for him to love her back.

“How can you say that?” Gerald felt a pang in his heart. “Ganun lang ba kadali ang lahat sa akala mo? Kim, hindi ganun yun para sa akin. I care about you…”

Kim froze. What in the world was Gerald saying?

Gerald himself was taken aback by his words. Of course, there was no question about that. He had never cared about any other woman like he does for Kim, except for his own mother. But for some reason that he just could not explain, he was too afraid to cross the line.

“I care about the friendship!” He finished his sentence with a trembling heart.

There was no telling how Kim tried so hard to keep the tears from falling. Her heart, now drenched with grief, felt numb with each passing second. She wished she could just drop into a big, black hole, and wallow in its peaceful forgetfulness.

Gerald took the moment to take a few tentative steps to get near her. With Kim’s feet still rooted to the ground, Gerald darted over to her and folded her in his arms.

“I’m sorry.” He softly whispered. He wrapped her in his arms like he’d never done before.

Kim dared not move. She just stood there, still trying to fight back the tears from falling but at the same time, never allowing herself to feel anything about his embrace. She stood there shivering in the cold, her thin jacket providing only a token of warmth. She refused to feel the warmth that was brought by being in the arms of the only person she loved the most.

Emotion clogged Gerald’s throat and it was now impossible to hide his tears.

“I didn’t mean for you to fall in love with me.” He said tenderly, never letting go of her. “I’m sorry for causing you so much pain but I didn’t mean for this to happen to us.” He held her for a long time.

Kim could only close her eyes. When Gerald finally cupped her face and kissed her in the forehead. He didn’t have to tell her that it was a kiss that was meant to last forever because after tonight, everything will be over. Gerald was finally letting her go. This is what she asked from him but she wondered if she could ever get through with it.

Gerald never wanted to let go for he knew that as soon as he did, he would only have to content himself with watching her from afar. If letting go was the only way he could make it up to her, then he was willing to pay the price.

“I never regret the three years that you have become a part of my life. They will remain my best three years.” Once again, he hugged her back for who knows might be the last time. He needed to let her go. As Kim stood there in silence, Gerald studied her face, memorizing once again every detail about it. The smoothness of her face, the curve of her lips, even the feel of her hair. He captured a mental picture of Kim in his mind. Surely he was going to miss her.

Kim was neither anxious nor willing to leave his embrace just yet. There was no denying how she felt safe and protected. This was where she had hoped to belong to.

A million thoughts went through her mind, a thousand reasons why she loved him and why they were supposed to be together, forever but she knew it didn’t matter. It had to come from his heart, from inside him. She couldn’t make him feel or want anything. If it wasn’t there, it wasn’t there. She needed to move on.

“Kim, promise me that you are going to take good care of yourself. Okay?”

She couldn’t look him in the eyes. She just stared blankly in the stillness of the night. felt tight for a long time as tears stung her eyes, yet, she still refused to let them fall.

“Goodbye, Kim.” Gerald slowly moved away from her. “Be happy.”

Kim didn’t know how long she stood there but as soon as she heard the car door shut, she knew it was over. Gerald started the engine and roared away just fraction of second before her tears fell.

She slumped to the ground and cried. It was just too painful to even describe everything that she was feeling that very moment. God knows how much she had wanted to hug him back and how she wanted to stop him from leaving but if she wanted to move on, she had to be firm.

Drops of rain started to fall and thunder roared in the distance. She always had this certain affinity towards the rain but she could never be any grateful that it did rain that very moment, at least, no one would know that she was crying, she thought as her tears mingled with the cold drops.

Because of what happened, Kim had to call-in sick the following day. She felt sick physically but more emotionally. She stayed in bed and absentmindedly turned the TV on. She flipped on the channels until she got caught with ASAP. Everyone was there, everyone that is, except Gerald and she wondered why. She hoped that he got home safe last night. She knew she had been rough on him.

The television kept playing but her mind was not just in it. She still felt sick and her head was heavy. Kim had cried herself to sleep when Gerald left and she remembered waking up in the middle of the night for a reason she could not explain. She felt jittery that something was coming up but could not tell what that was. She had not been able to go back to sleep. There were a lot of things that had kept her awake. Some made sense and some did not. She stared at the tube until her eyes felt heavy and brought her to a much needed sleep.

“Gerald!” Kim cried as she woke up from a dream that she could no longer recall. Her heart was thumping hard and she was catching her breath. It was when she realized that she was actually crying. Closing her eyes, she tried to retrieve images from that dream she just had but all she could see was an image of Gerald. It was of him crying until it slowly faded away.

Suddenly, the television caught her attention. She saw Boy Abunda and Kris Aquino on the screen.

“Mga kaibigan, alam ko po na lahat kayo ay magugulat sa balitang maririnig natin ngayon hapon. Ako man po ay nabigla din sa pangyayaring ito, pero gaya po ng napag-usapan namin ni Krissy some minutes ago, there comes a point in each of our lives wherein we need to make a choice.” Boy Abunda said and Kim listened intently.

“That’s right, Boy.” Kris Aquino agreed. “Personally. Nanghihinayang talaga ako sa career ng taong ito but I would like to believe that he is making the right choice, one that would truly make him happy.”

“Kagabi po mga kaibigan, The Buzz had the privilege to talk with one of the countries finest young actors and we’d like to thank him for that chance...” He turned to Kris. “Krissy…”

“Yes, Boy.” Kris nodded. “Ladies and gentlemen, exclusive on The Buzz…”

Kim’s world stopped spinning the very moment she saw Gerald on the screen. He was wearing that same outfit he had on last night. She swallowed as tears welled up her eyes once again.

“Good evening, Gerald.” Boy Abunda started the interview.

“Good evening din po, Tito Boy.”

“Kumusta ka ngayon?”

Gerald answered half-smiling. “Okay naman po.”

“So, Gerald. I’ll get straight to the point, why the sudden decision to leave and quit showbiz altogether?”

It was now impossible to control her tears. Kim felt lightheaded at what she was hearing but somehow, her brain could not process everything.

Gerald quitting showbiz and he was leaving?

“It’s a personal decision, Tito Boy.” Gerald answered. “I have decided to go back to school.”

“Pero bakit parang biglaan naman yata?”

“Hindi naman po.” Gerald took a deep breath without looking at the camera. “I have been planning to go back to school even before I entered Big Brother’s house but then I also thought of giving showbiz a try. I could never be any grateful for the chances that I have been given. Ang dami ko po talagang natutunan.”

“But what about your loveteam with Kim Chiu? You both just had a very successful soap and I know that you both have a lot upcoming projects pa sana this year. Kayo ang pinakasikat na loveteam sa showbiz…”

Gerald paused and looked down before turning back to Boy. It was as if he was trying to find the right words to say.

“Thank you po. Malaki po ang utang na loob namin sa mga tao who had always been there for us. Kung hindi po dahil sa kanilang lahat, wala rin po kami dito kaya sobrang nagpapasalamat po ako sa kanila.”

“Hindi mo pa sinasagot ang tanong ko, Gerald.” Boy Abunda probed. “Ano na ang mangyayari sa loveteam ninyo ni Kim?”

Gerald took a deep breath and smiled wryly while clasping his hands together.

“Alam ko po na marami ang malulungot but I still hope that the fans would understand. Matagal ko na rin po kasing gustong bumalik sa pag-aaral and recently, I received an acceptance letter from the school I’ve applied to, so I would like to grab this chance.”

“I don’t see anything wrong with your decision. Education is very important.”

“Salamat po.”

“Gerald, para sa kaalaman ng ating mga kapamilya, what school would that be?”

“Massachusetts Institute of Technology in Cambridge, Tito Boy and I’ll be taking up Mechanical Engineering.”

Kim’s heart swelled. It seemed to her that Gerald was trying his best not to have her name involved in that interview and she also felt guilty that Gerald was taking all the blame to himself. While it was true that Gerald got accepted to that school, she knew that he was just making it a reason. Suddenly, she was scared to know that Gerald was leaving and hoped to see him even for the last time…

“What did Kim say about this? I would assume na alam na niya…”

Gerald swallowed and tried his best to sound nonchalant, even smiling when he answered.

“Opo. Kim is very supportive and happy of my decision. We’re very good friends. She understands that this is something that I need to do.” He looked at the camera and Kim felt as if he was really looking at her and knew that she was watching.

All the more she felt guilty. It was her that made the decision to break up with their love team but Gerald was the one answering all the questions being thrown by the public. His last sentence made her heart sink. It echoed on her mind once again.

“She understands that this is something that I need to do.”

Was Gerald trying to make a sacrifice on her behalf?

“When was the last time you talked with Kim?”

“I was just at her house earlier bago po ako pumunta dito. Masama po kasi pakiramdam nya…”

“So she knows that you are leaving tonight? Nakapagpaalam ka na ba sa kanya?”

Tonight? Was that last night?

It was all so sudden. All of the energy she still had was drained and sunk with her heart. Kim tried to pinch herself, hoping that this was all just a bad dream. Somehow, she could not accept the fact that Gerald has already left.

Boy Abunda wished Gerald the best of everything and asked him to leave some message for his fans. Kim grasped for air.

When Boy Abunda asked Gerald to give some message for her, she just had to hug her pillow, hoping to find some comfort there. She felt so lonely. She looked at him and it was as if he was really speaking to her in person.

“Hi Kimmy, just a few reminders… yung protein shake mo wag mong kakalimutan inumin. Follow the diet given to you by your nutritionist. Ingat ka sa temperature changes ha? Wala na ako para umalalay sayo if you ever feel like fainting. Ingat ka rin sa mga aso, habulin ka pa naman.” Gerald tried to cover his emotions with a light laughter. “Please be careful sa mga U-turns at lalong-lalo na sa parallel parking. Binilin na kita kay Kuya Fredo na alalayan ka sa driving mo. Tsaka ikaw na bahala kay Bubblegum okay?” Gerald ranted on.

“Anything else, Gerald?”

“Kimmy, remember what I’ve told you last night and thanks for everything.” He said in a much mellowed voice.

“Salamat, Gerald. Mga kaibigan, kung ano man po ang mga sinabi ni Gerald kay Kim kanina, sila na lamang po ang nakakaalam nun.” He turned to face Gerald once again. “On behalf of The Buzz and the network, we’d like to thank you for everything that you have contributed to the industry. Anytime na maisipan mong bumalik, you know that you are always welcome.”

When Gerald and the host both stood up for a hug, it was when Kim realized that they were actually inside the airport, in what could be the departure area.

Footage of Gerald entering the waiting room and waving at the camera flashed on the screen and Kim could hear the background music loud and clear, Sana Maulit Muli, of all songs.

She sobbed and sobbed. Kim realized that she could go on like this forever and yet, that was the only thing that was left for her to do. Gerald actually bid goodbye last night but it never occurred to her that he was leaving the country and the industry for good. Had she only known, she wouldn’t have been so hard on him. It was now too late to ever regret. She had tried to hide her emotions but nearly buckled from the pain in her heart.

So much for showing her emotions, it wouldn’t be necessary now. His leaving the country said enough. They could never be more than friends. The sooner she accepted the fact, the quicker she could get on with her life.

A red-hot, stinging pain stretched through her heart, right to her very soul, now, more than ever. Nothing could ever hurt so badly than her best friend and the only person she had loved the most, leaving. She’d loved and lost before but the pain she’s going through at that very moment was incomparable.

Losing Gerald felt like she just lost a part of herself that she could never get back.