Kim sighed once again as she tossed and turned. There was not even a single word to describe what she was feeling. Thoughts, a million of them were racing in her head, questions that were hoping to be answered. Her heart was so full to say the least. With all these and more, sleeping was not possible. She purposely got off the bed and decided to go over the veranda. Maybe some fresh air would help clear her mind off things and off…

“Gerald?” She said in surprise the moment she was out. He was right out of the veranda of his own room, engaged in what could also be a deep thought and by the look on his face, Kim could tell that she was not the only one deprived of a much needed sleep. 
“

Hey…” Gerald replied with a shy smile. “Hindi ka rin makatulog?” He asked, confirming Kim’s thought.

She had to smile. “Medyo. Excited lang siguro para sa flight bukas.” She felt the need to make up something as an excuse. Tonight was their last night in Singapore, they were done taping and had spent the last day sight seeing, but Kim opted to stay in her hotel room.

“Is that the reason why hindi ka sumamanang mamasyal kanina?” Gerald asked, sadly.

“Hindi naman. Pagod lang din talaga ako.” Kim looked away and tried to focus her eyes on a lighted billboard down below. If only she could tell Gerald what was happening to her, if only things were that easy.

“Kim, are you trying to avoid me…again?” Gerald asked from out of the blue. The question caught Kim off guard. Before she knew it, he was already standing beside her. They share adjacent rooms so it was no wonder why Gerald could easily jump over to where she was.

“What are you talking about?” Kim said as she tried to smile, hoping to sound as if everything was okay. “Bakit naman kita iiwasan?”

It was Gerald’s turn to then sigh.

“For some reasons, I think I know why.” He said, taking a deep breath. “I think I know why and maybe, hindi ko rin alam kung bakit.”

“Ge, ano ka ba? Don’t worry too much, okay?” Kim bit her lower lip as she tried to sound casual. “Okay lang ako.”

“Tayo ba, okay lang din?” Gerald was glad he was able to let that out. He had been meaning to ask Kim the whole day. He had been trying to sleep but thoughts of Kim kept haunting him. He tried to dismiss the thought that something was wrong because everything was okay, until today. But maybe he was wrong.

He had been at her door, almost at the point of knocking but was just too shy to get on with it and that was when he thought of going to the veranda, again, only to think about Kim.

“Okay naman tayo di ba?” Kim glanced at Gerald, offering him a shy smile only to look away again. “Tapos na yung taping natin and I know we did good, lalo na ikaw. Excited na nga ako na mapanood.”

“I am not talking about the taping, Kim.” Gerald said, cutting her off. “I am talking about us.”

“Wala naman tayong problema di ba?” Kim tried to convince Gerald but deep in her heart, she was more of trying to convince herself that both of them were doing just fine, that between the two of them, there was nothing to be worried about.

“Kimmy…”

“Ahm... thank you nga pala sa pagpasyal mo sa akin. I had fun that day kahit na medyo napagalitan tayo ni Miss P.” She added, trying to lighten up their conversation but Gerald just wouldn’t buy her attempt.

“Kim, I’m sorry. I know I promised not to bring this up again but…” Gerald paused, causing his knees to buckle. His throat felt tight and his heart was already drumming in a cadence. These were familiar feelings but he knew he had to let go.

“Ge…” Kim on the other hand, had her eyes closed when Gerald caught both of her arms, allowing her to face him. Her heart skipped a beat or two. She was not at all prepared to see Gerald in tears the moment she opened her eyes. He was already crying.

“Ge please don’t cry. Ayokong nakikitang ganyan ka.” Kim’s voice started to break.

“Bakit?” Gerald’s voice was then barely audible.

“Anong bakit? Kailangan pa bang itanong yun?”
Gerald didn’t answer.

“Siyempre ayokong nakikita kang umiiyak because you are my friend.” Kim softly said but on the back of her mind, she knows it was a lot more than that. “You are important to me, ayokong nasasaktan ka.”

“No..” Gerald nodded. “I think I deserve this. I have no one else to blame but myself. Kung nasasaktan man ako ngayon, mas nasaktan kita noon…” He choked. “I know I am way too late. Naka pag move on ka na sa akin but Kim, I just can’t teach this heart not to love you…”

Gerald’s words hit her.

She had been feeling that way too. For years, she had been teaching her heart not to love him anymore and for some time, she thought she was over him but it was just too hard. When Gerald reappeared, back to the gutter she went.

“Gerald…”

“But don’t worry, Kim.” Gerald placed a finger on her lips stopping her from what it was that she was going to say. She saw him closing his eyes and holding back the tears that threatened to fall again. “I love you this much kaya I’ll just let things be kahit gaano kasakit. I realized that the more I insist on this, the more I am hurting you and that is one thing I don’t want to happen. I am already hurting you...again. I’m sorry.”

If her heart skipped a beat earlier, Kim could no longer tell if it was still there now, after hearing what Gerald had to say. He was letting go. Kim knew she needed to say something but even a single word was just nowhere to be found.

Suddenly, a tear fell from her eyes.

“Hey, don’t cry.” Gerald wiped off the tear from her cheek. “Mas lalo akong nasasaktan kapag ganyan ka..” He tried to smile. “I get it Kim…pagod ka na sa kakulitan ko. You don’t have to keep up with me anymore…” He held her hands and looked at her in the eye.

The moment their eyes met, it was very inviting to forget everything and just focus and think of this very moment. Gerald dared not to let go of Kim’s hand, she dared not let go of his eyes. For that very moment, everything was just right. They were together and it could be so easy to say that it was all that matters, but Gerald knew that the love he feels for Kim was more than the thought, the want, even the need to kiss her.

“I want to be honest with you, Kim.” He stared to say. “Right now, I want to kiss you. I really do. I want to hug you tight and not let the moment end.” Tears threatened to spill out of his eyes once more but he held them back. “Pero alam ko hindi ito ang gusto mo. I don’t want to hurt you more that I have done before. Kanina, sinabi mo, you don’t want to see me crying because I am your friend and that I am important to you. I want to thank you for that. I want to thank you for taking me back as your friend kahit na alam ko na hindi ko deserve yun matapos kitang saktan.”

Kim could only close her eyes.

“Ngayon naman sasabihin ko sayo. I don’t ever want to see you cry again. Not only because you are my friend, not only because you are important to me but because you are a lot more than that. Kim, you are my life.”

When Kim didn’t say anything, Gerald took another deep breath and continued…

“I know we’ve been through this before but I’m saying it again, I want you to be happy. Ako na mismo ang gugulpi sa sarili ko kapag nakita pa kitang umiyak ulit…”

And once again, Kim could only nod. There were so many things that she wanted to say, things that she really wanted to tell him but right now, those seemed to be so hard to do and she didn’t know why.

“Bukas uuwi na tayo, wala nang mangungulit pa sayo.” Gerald smiled. “Wag mo ako masyadong ma miss ha?” That was one of the bravest smile he could muster to himself and he did it by force.

Gerald didn’t know how he could even afford to crack a joke at that point of time but maybe, he needed that, if only to fake a strong front, if only to conceal the pain, if only to see Kim smile. He remembered back in the old days how she would burst out laughing with every joke that he told her and how they both would laugh their hearts out at even the smallest of things. If only he could bring back those times, he’d gladly do…but this was not PBB anymore, they were no longer inside Big Brother’s house…this was the real world and whether he like it or not, the world is just as it should be.

Smiling, Gerald took off his coat as the night grew colder. Wrapping it around Kim, he braved to take at least a step closer to fill the gap between them and planted a soft kiss on her forehead. He needed that for himself, for what might be the last time.

“I wish I knew what you were thinking…” She thought she heard him say.

constricted. She wanted to tell him everything but she just couldn’t get herself to say it out loud.

Gerald didn’t say goodbye but Kim only realized that he was no longer around when she started to feel cold. She felt warm having him beside her, of having him close and nothing, not even his coat could fill his place. But maybe, she just have to hold on…and that was when everything dawned on her…that was when it hit her hard…
She could not let him go…

Still, her feet remained rooted on the floor as the tears that were held back fell like rain. She cried and cried until her eyes hurt and she just couldn’t stop herself. She realized that that the person who broke her heart was still the only person who can glue it back together. There was no one else but him…

Kim woke up to the sound of the phone ringing. She didn’t know how she had managed to go inside her room last night. Her head felt heavy and everything hurt just the same. She forced herself to get up and answered the phone only to realize that no one was at the other end. It was just a wake up call. Tired as she was, she had no choice but to prepare for the day.

She smiled at the thought of seeing Gerald. After everything that’s been said and done, Kim realized that the world is just as it should be and there was no point in denying. There was no point of holding back anymore.
Gerald needed to know once and for all…

“Oh, there you are!” Miss P smiled at her when they met at the lobby. “I was just about to go up to your room, akala ko tulog ka pa rin. Good morning, Kim.”

“Good morning, Miss P.” She smiled back.

“Ready for breakfast?” The lady asked. “Everyone else is already at the restaurant. Ikaw na lang ang hinihintay naming. We have to hurry up kasi baka ma miss na natin ang flight.” Miss P continued her speech but Kim was only paying half attention. There was no one else she wanted to see but Gerald.

She looked everywhere but she couldn’t find him. She couldn’t eat. She started to wonder when no one else was looking for Gerald. It caused her to worry.

“Let’s go..” Miss P turned to her.

“Miss P…”

“Yes, Kim? Is there something wrong?”

“Ah…” Kim gulped. The ball of nervousness in her stomach was hard to control. “Si Gerald po?” She dared to ask.

“Si Ge?” Miss P replied, much of another question than providing an answer.

“Opo. San po siya?” Kim could no longer take it.

“Akala ko alam mo na…” Miss P’s voice trailed off, much to Kim’s annoyance. She was only prolonging her agony.

“Ang alin po?”

“Okay. Ge left last night. He took the last flight out. I thought you know already kasi nung nagpaalam siya sa akin, he said he was going to talk to you…” The manager explained.

That was when Kim felt like crying again. In fact, even breathing came as an effort to her.

“Gerald left last night. He took the last flight out.”
The words echoed like clanging cymbals on her mind.

“Kim, are you alright?” Miss P asked in a worried voice. “Bakit ka namumutla?”

“I’m okay.” Kim just had to say it. This was no time to entertain or answer questions when all she ever wanted was to see Gerald and yet, she feared she was too late.

The flight back to Manila was sad, silent and cold. Kim held on to Gerald’s coat all the time. Deep in her heart, she hoped she was not yet too late. She silently wished he was just sitting beside her.

She had already made up her mind. The moment they set on solid ground, the moment she goes out of this plane, there was only one place to go and she could only care less about what would happen next. What is important for now was to see Gerald and to let him know.

She had thought of calling him up so at least to ask where he was but the thought of surprising him prevailed. She had to wait.

“Kim, are you sure you’re okay?” Miss P asked before they parted ways.

“I’ll be alright. Don’t worry about me.” She answered with a smile, hoping and praying in her heart that everything was really going to fall into place.

“Okay, I’ll see you tomorrow then. You take good care, okay?”

Kim nodded.

Kim could no longer control her emotions. She was both nervous and excited at the same time but she was no longer scared. She had been scared all her life and that was enough. She deserves to be happy and so was Gerald. They both deserve to be happy together.

How was she going to tell him?

What would it be like?

Are they going to kiss and hold each other tight?

She had no answers…she didn’t know.

The moment the car came to a stop, her nervousness and excitement doubled.

It was now or never.

She pressed the doorbell but no one answered and no one came to the door. She tried again and again but there was no one. Kim realized that she needed to call him up.
She drew deep, long breaths before doing so only to get the operator telling her that the subscriber was out of reach.

“Lord, please.” Kim prayed silently. “I need to see Gerald.”

She dialed once again but to no avail until her phone rang…

“Hello?” She answered.

A familiar voice came from the other end but much to her dismay, it was not Gerald.

“Ate Kim? It’s Ken.”

“Ken?”

“Yep. I was wondering kung dumating na kayo from Singapore.”

“Kami?”

“Yes, you’re with Kuya, right? I had been trying to get hold of him but he seems out of reach that’s why I’m calling you.” Ken explained.

Where in the world could Gerald be?

“Ken, ang totoo hinahanap ko din si Ge.” She honestly replied. There was no use beating around the bush. So much time has been wasted already. “Nandito nga ako ngayon sa inyo pero walang tao. He left ahead of us, last night.”

“Really? Pero bakit hindi siya umuwi? I had been waiting for him…”

Kim felt like crying again.

“Ate Kim, are you still there? Hello?”

The line went blank. Kim just didn’t know what to say anymore. She swallowed but knew nothing sort of a good cry would remove the lump in but even that, wouldn’t be enough.