Kim pulled her blanket up over her shoulders and turned over. The bolt of lightning and accompanying crash of thunder awakened her with a start. Headlights from a passing car threw fleeting shadows across her bedroom wall.

She sighed as thunder continued to rumble. What a way to miss Gerald even more. It seemed like tiny earthquakes were shaking the ground. Kim moved to the window to part the curtains. For someone who was always fascinated with electrical storms, it just seemed like a big show in the sky. And as the rain pelted against the windowpane, Kim’s thoughts went back to the last Christmas she had spent with Gerald...

“Ge, why is it so dark? Sira ba mga ilaw dito sa rooftop mo?” She remembered asking him then.

“Shhh… Just keep quiet, okay?” Was Gerald’s reply as he guided her to the right corner and steadied her for a minute.
“And what do you think you’re doing?” Kim asked once again as he asked her to close her eyes. She could feel that she was being blindfolded.

But Gerald didn’t answer.

“Ge?” Kim could not hide the excitement in her voice but she was all nervous at the same time. “Ge, don’t you dare leave me alone here. Tinatakot mo naman ako eh.”

“I’m not leaving.” Gerald whispered in her ear. “Trust me okay?” He held her hands in his.

Kim could still remember how her cheeks burned that night and yet, she hoped that in the dusk, Gerald could not see that she was all red.

“Okay…” She managed to answer in her shaking voice. Her hands were also shaking but Gerald held them tight and to her, that was all that mattered.

“Okay..” Gerald could not keep his own excitement either. “At the count of three, I’m going to take the blindfold off and you may open your eyes. Pero walang sisilip, Kimmy ha?”

Kim could only nod.

And that was when she was greeted by fireworks of different kinds and colors. In the darkness of the evening, everything seemed magical. It was breathtaking and beautiful.

“Nagustuhan mo ba?” She heard Gerald ask after several minutes.

The magic of the moment left Kim in awe and she was stunned speechless.

“Kimmy?”

She smiled back at Gerald. There were no words left to speak. At that moment, Kim realized that Gerald was still holding her hand. She froze.

“Merry Christmas, Lingling!” Gerald said out loud that it startled her, but what was she thinking? Was she thinking that Gerald was going to kiss her after the surprise has been revealed?

Lingling.

That was what Gerald used to call her then and she had taken it as a term of endearment though she knew it meant “duling.” Yet until now, she could still recall how happy it made her feel. How happy Gerald made her Christmas by just being with her. Yes, she did hope and prayed that Gerald would finally see her in a different light and though it didn’t happen, it was still her merriest Christmas to date.

She could still hear him say…

“…I’m so glad you liked my surprise. Masyado na kasi tayong nagiging busy lately and I thought maybe we could spend some time together apart from the usual time we spend working together. Kaya ito, I prepared dinner for us and fireworks for my bestfriend…”

And it has always been like that. It was so Gerald surprising her with different things. From flowers to chocolates, from dinner to fireworks. Little things that mean a lot. It would have been really okay, if only Gerald did those things out of love and not just because they were the best of friends.

Then again, Kim was glad.

Kim will never forget that evening. It was at that night when she finally admitted to herself that she was in love with Gerald. It was at that night when she allowed herself to dream and hope some more. And when Gerald brought her home then, she remembered wishing upon a star, a wish that has remained in her heart all these years.

“Gerald?!”

Kim was brought back from her trance when she someone from across the street to her house. Rain was now coming down faster but she could not be mistaken.

Not now…

Without any second thoughts, Kim hurried and down and went outside. It was a terrible storm out there but she could only care less about getting soaked up. All that matters now was Gerald. She wanted to see him.

And she was right.

It was him and he was just about to get into the car. Kim was just right on time.

“Ge?” She called out to him. Her voice was barely audible but Gerald must have heard her. The moment he turned around to face her, her heartbeat doubled. “It’s you…” Kim almost choked.

Gerald looked like a drowned rat but God, he was still beautiful.

“You shouldn’t have come down…magkakasakit ka nyan eh.”
Kim could sense the worried look in his face.

“Bakit ikaw? You’re wet and all that. Bakit nandito ka sa labas?” She was trembling but she dared to move closer to him, pushing his wet hair from his eyes.

“Gusto lang kitang bantayan…” Gerald lowered his head. “I wanted to see if you got home safe. Baka rin kasi matakot ka sa kulog at kidlat kaya…”

Kim could not help but smile.

“Ikaw talaga…hindi naman ako natatakot sa ganun di ba? Ikaw kaya tong takot.”

And then there was an awkward silence.

“Sige, Kim.” Gerald showed a shy smile. “Baka magkasakit ka pa, bumalik ka na sa taas.” Gerald turned around.
Kim only could only close her eyes and she breathed in heavily. Will she let him go just like that again?

The answer was clear.

“No!” She almost shouted the word.

When she came behind him, Gerald almost jumped, he was startled.

“I’m really sorry, Kim. I shouldn’t have come here. Hindi na kita dapat inistorbo pa.” Gerald’s voice was low. “I have to go…”

“Promise me you’ll be happy, okay. Be happy, Kimmy.”
The moment Gerald turned his back to leave, Kim slumped to the ground. She looked like a lost child in the pouring rain but she didn’t care.

“How can I be happy kung iiwanan mo na naman ako?’” Kim could no longer contain her emotions. Her tears mingled with the rain. She sobbed.

She could not. She would never again be happy in her life without Gerald.

At that instant, Gerald could no longer resist hugging her. His heart broke at the sight of her crying. He too was also certain that he would never be happy without her.

For Kim was happiness to him.

“I’m sorry, Gerald…I’m sorry.” Kim repeated her words over and over again as they hugged. Even in the midst of the storm, she felt safe in his arms.

When Kim opened her eyes, she realized that she was alone in her room. Everything was over. Everything seemed so real but all was just a dream. Yet, she was crying still. 
Her head was heavy and her heart still ached. She had fallen asleep with the thought of Gerald. She had cried herself to sleep. She missed Gerald that much.
With her in bed were the gifts that Gerald had sent in the past. She had never opened any of them before because she was afraid. She felt that opening his gifts would betray all her efforts to forget him, of trying to let go.

But now she knew, it was all over.

There was no way she could let Gerald go. There was no way she could forget him.

She loved him then and she love him still.

And now it was about time she open those gifts. Maybe this would lead her to where he might be.
The first box that she opened contained a silver wristwatch. In the card that was attached to the gift, Gerald had written :

Dear Kimmy,
The times that I spent with you were the ones that I treasure the most….Alam ko, corny sabihin pero sasabihin ko na rin, Sana Maulit Muli.
Happy Birthday.

Missing you,
Gerald.

The second gift that she opened was in a paper bag and what inside really surprised her…

Dearest Kim, 
This one is my very first university jacket. Yes, I’m finally back to school and I want you to know, inspired ako, dahil alam ko na ito rin ang gusto mo para sa akin. I hope you’ll use this one. It’s my way of letting you know na kasama kita sa pag abot ng aking mga pangarap. 
Love,
Gerald

Her hands were already shaking when she opened the third box. It was a small snow globe obviously reminiscent of their My Girl days. I smiled when I opened the fourth gift, it was a bracelet with different butterfly pendants – she may have matured through the years but Kim never really outgrew her fascination for butterflies. Each gift came with short notes. But what caught her attention was a small book of compiled love poems and it was bookmarked to the page where E.E. s famous poem is written.
*****************************************************************************

SOMEWHERE I HAVE NEVER TRAVELLED

Somewhere I have never traveled, gladly beyond
Any experience, your eyes have their silence:
In your most frail gesture are things which enclose me,
Or which I cannot touch because they are too near

Your slightest look easily will unclose me
Though I have closed myself as fingers,
You open always petal by petal myself as Spring opens
(Touching skillfully, mysteriously) her first rose

Or if your wish be to close me, I and
My life will shut very beautifully, suddenly,
As when the heart of this flower imagines
The snow carefully everywhere descending;

Nothing which we are to perceive in this world equals
The power of your intense fragility: whose texture
Compels me with the color of its countries,
Rendering death and forever with each breathing

(I do not know what it is about you that closes and opens; 
Only something in me understands
The voice of your eyes is deeper than all roses)
Nobody, not even the rain, has such small hands

*****************************************************************************

Scribbled at the bottom of the page, in Gerald’s ever messy handwriting, is a small note that squeezed my heart.
Dearest Kimmy, 
I don’t know how you did it but you managed to uncover and unsettle me in those years that we were together. I pray that if and when our paths cross again, you would still open yourself to me.
Missing you,
Gerald

There were more gifts that remained unopened but her eyes were now drawn to the rectangular envelope from among them. She tore it open and saw a CD. Kim hurried to play it.

She felt her world stopped spinning…
It was quite obvious that the video was taken from way back. What Gerald was wearing in the video was what he had on the night he left for the States. His eyes were red and puffy and his voice breaking.

“Hi Kimmy…Ahm, I don’t know where to start, ang dami kong gustong sabihin pero hindi ko alam. I need to let you know that it was never my intention to hurt you. Kahit kailan hindi ko gagawin sayo yun dahil mahal kita…
Gerald closed his eyes after those words.

Kim felt constricted and her heart stopped beating.

Gerald went on…
…”There I said it, I love you, Kim. Hindi lang dahil bestfriend kita but because I really do. I was just one hell of a coward and I was afraid of letting you know then. I was stupid na hindi ko agad inamin now I guess its too late for me. Aalis ako not because I don’t care but because I want to give you time pero isang salita mo lang, I’ll stay. My flight is going to be at eleven pm tonight….I’ll be waiting…I just need to hear it from you.”

Kim buried her face in her hands.

How could she now stop herself from crying?

Gerald has given her that small envelope that evening. She didn’t know that he was leaving then but now it was all clear that if only she had opened it that night, he wouldn’t have left. But she was too caught up in her own emotions back then that she didn’t even bother to open that envelope.

Gerald loved her even then…

Kim hugged his jacket close to her as she cried…

“I miss you, Ge. You just don’t know how much I miss you…”

“I miss you more, Kimmy…I miss you more…”
Kim closed her eyes and thought she might be dreaming again and that her mind as well as her heart might just be playing tricks on her, but was it really Gerald talking to her?

“I love you too, Gerald. “ Kim still wanted to say those words even if it’s only in her dreams, she wanted Gerald to know.

He needed to know…

“Sana naging jacket nalang ako…ang swerte naman n’yan at kanina mo pa niyayakap at sinasabihan ng ‘I love you.’. Bakit hindi mo na lang sa akin sabihin?”

Kim heard him say again but she kept her eyes closed. She was afraid that if she would open them, Gerald would be gone and it will all be over…

“Wala ka naman dito eh…” She answered slowly. “Iniwan mo na naman ako…”

“Hindi naman ako kailanman nawala…”
The voice was nearer to her, it was clearer now.

“Sabi ko naman sayo, hindi kita iiwanan di ba?”
Kim felt something creep up her back. She could hardly breathe. Her whole body trembling.

“I don’t want to wake up from this dream, Ge. Kung…”
Gerald cut her off…

“You’re not dreaming, Kim.” His voice trailed.

“Will you promise…will you still be here once I open my eyes?” Kim could hardly speak. 
Gerald didn’t answer but he held Kim’s hand instead. The other wiping the tears in her face.

“Ge?” Kim gasped for air the moment she saw him right before her eyes.

This could not be a dream anymore and even if it was, it was still a dream come true.

Tears were still streaming down her face but she could see him clearly, even with her blurred vision, he was right there. She could feel him in her heart.

“Hey, it’s me…” Gerald was looking straight at her, eyes full of love. He was crying too but he was smiling.

And just like in her dream earlier, Gerald could no longer resist hugging her and she hugged him back.

“I miss you so much…” Kim confessed in between sobs.

“But I missed you more, Kimmy. I missed you even more than I could tell…”

All of a sudden, Kim pulled back, much to Gerald’s surprise.

“Bakit?” He asked.

“May kasalanan ka pa sa kin…”

Confusion hit him. “Ha?”

“Where have you been? Alam mo ba kung saan saan kita pinaghahanap?” Kim kept a low voice but her face still wore a question mark. “You left me in Singapore, you didn’t even tell me that you were leaving. Hinanap kita. I went straight to your house when I got here but you were not there. Pati sina Ken pinag-alala mo…”

Gerald didn’t answer but his eyes were dancing. It was Kim’s turn to be confused.

“Gerald Anderson, why are you smiling like that?”

“Maybe I should tell Ken to audition for Star Magic…”

“What are you talking about? You mean…”

Gerald tightened his arms around her once again. “I remembered how you looked so beautiful that day. You were crying but you were still beautiful…”

“What? You saw me?”

Gerald raised his hands in mid air.

“Okay, okay. I need to explain, I know…” He started to speak and kneel down in front of her. “I left Singapore without a word and that was wrong, I’m sorry but at that time, yun ang naisip ko. Binasted mo kaya ako.” Gerald took a deep breath as we went on, his expression growing serious. “I told myself na hindi na talaga kita kukulitin pa. When you were outside my house, gusting-gusto ko na lumabas. I wanted to hug you right there but I had to stop myself. I asked Ken to call you up at sabihin na wala ako dahil hindi ko alam how long I could stand seeing you cry. If you had stayed a minute longer, I wouldn’t have been able to stop myself.”

“But why? Bakit hindi ka lumabas?”

“Wala ka naming sinasabi, ayoko na manghula baka mali na naman ako. At saka sinabi ko na hindi ko na ipagpipilitan ang sarili ko sayo.”

“So bakit ka nandito ngayon?” Kim dared to ask.

“Because I wanted to see you, for one more time.” Gerald smiled and then went serious again. “I told myself, last na lang talaga. Dapat sa baba lang ako but Ate Tata saw me and she asked me to come up and I could not say no. Sobra kasi kitang na miss. At sabi niya, miss mo na rin daw ako…”
Kim’s face turned crimson, her heart picked up speed. But it was no time to pretend.

“Sabi ko nga…” She met his gaze.

“I wanted to just watch you from a distance. Sabi ko, kahit five minutes lang.” Gerald bit his lower lip and sighed. He looked down at their entwined hands. “And then I got here and saw you sleeping, it breaks my heart to see you cry. I was just about ready to leave when…”Gerald paused. “Then I heard you say you love me…”

“It’s true…” Kim sniffed. “Lagi naman eh. Ikaw lang naman tong…”

“I want to hear you say that to me, Kimmy. “
Gerald could see the answer in her eyes as she looked at him.

“I love you, Gerald…I love you.” Kim confessed. Hearing those words made everything tangible. It all made so much sense now. “I’m sorry it took me so much time…”

“It’s alright now…those three words are all I need to know.” Gerald said. He didn’t know what got into him but he just found himself giving Kim a quick kiss on the lips.
She was startled.

“Alam mo, Ge. Yung kiss mas maganda sana kung hindi mo binibigla eh…” Kim’s eyes twinkled.
And then there was silence.

“I’m going to kiss you Kim…” Gerald said, his voice low.
Kim didn’t answer but she gave his hand a gentle squeeze.
The three seconds that it took for his lips to settle on hers were full of muted anticipation. All the while Kim’s eyes were focused on Gerald’s ready lips. She could feel her heart drumming to an unfamiliar beat. 
But the moment their lips touched all thoughts apart from the magnanimity of the moment flew off. It seemed like all those years spent together and apart were leading to this one happy event in their lives.

The kiss only lasted for no more that ten seconds but it somehow encompassed all the emotions that they’ve kept bottled up for the longest time. His warm lips reverently nibbled her bottom lip, as if too afraid that once he opened his eyes, she’ll be gone. Kim, on the other hand, was very tentative with her response because everything felt so surreal.

“Don’t you think I deserve another hug?” Gerald was smiling when the kiss was over. “Yung MIT jacket ko nga nakakarami na eh.” He grinned. “I love you, Kimmy. See, I kept my promise, hindi naman talaga ako nawala and I would never leave you because I stayed in your heart like you stayed in mine all these years…”

Kim hugged him tight. She could stay that way forever.

Just then, Gerald’s phone rang. They pulled apart as he looked to see who it was. He winked at Kim when he saw that it was Ken who was calling, he handed her the phone.

“You might want to talk to your brother-in-law?” Gerald asked, grinning.

*********************************************************************************************