Jackson’s arms are still around Mark, keeping him close and warm and they’ve been at that for around ten minutes already. No words have been uttered, the silence embracing them as tightly as each other’s arms. Jackson’s head makes a tornado, hurricane, typhoon and earthquake partying together look like a kid’s game. Confused doesn’t begin to describe what he’s feeling because he’s far past that stage. He was confused when Mark kissed him, shocked when he himself kissed the older back. 

Now he’s just a mess.

Because he can’t begin to sort out his thoughts or feelings, Jackson just holds on to Mark. Although slim and maybe too boney, Mark is warm and comfortable against Jackson’s body. The younger has always been more resentful towards Mark because their height difference but in this moment he can’t find in him the will to care because they just fit so well. It’s like that difference was carefully created for this moment, so hugging each other, hiding their faces in the other’s neck could feel so natural and perfect.

And now Jackson is being sappy.

However, he can’t his thoughts and how his body reacts to Mark’s proximity. If Jackson is being honest, there’s always been a strong response to Mark’s touch. The only difference is that in the past that reaction was negative and Jackson just assumed it was rejection to being near the older. Now the feeling is quite different because the younger wants nothing more than staying like this.

About Mark, it’s always been different. The electricity was always there, leaving him on his toes, raging. After every broadcast where they had to act all mushy, Jackson could still feel Mark’s touch ghosting over his skin for hours later. That was why he was so annoyed once they were done, because he could still feel Mark’s long and boney fingers on his arm, or the nape of his neck.

Jackson remembers the time when the touch stopped leaving him annoyed and disgusted, and it started to make him confused, hyperaware. It was actually, really recently.

◦ ◦ ◦  

After realising how big of a Jackson had been, he kept himself as far away from Mark as possible. Being in his proximity made him feel like he had to apologise —he actually had— but he was unable to utter the words, which made him feel even tier, which made him grumpy and annoyed with himself. It was all like a domino effect, so the only way to stop the cause-effect situation was avoiding the cause of his struggles: Mark.

But that was easier said than done because they roomed together and where in the same group and they were still encouraged to interact and promote the Markson ship. Yes, it was totally difficult to avoid Mark but Jackson tried damn hard. 

Instead of snarky comments or deadly glares after a broadcast or any public appearance, Jackson just squirmed away and put all the other five members between them as a protective shield. He spent even more time with BamBam, babying him and going out to eat and such, being so open about the brotherly relationship because the Thai boy could make Jackson feel less ty about himself and have a good time. BamBam could actually keep up with him or even exhaust Jackson by the end of the day, which was great because when he was able to go to bed, he could just fall asleep and ignore the other member in the room.

Jackson also started to take on more schedules. Anything to keep him busy, as if their new oncoming comeback wasn’t enough to exhaust him.

Most definitely, Jackson was pushing himself to the limit which was so hypocritical of him who insisted so much on everyone else looking after their health. In Jackson’s defence, he was looking after his mental health.

Regardless of his packed agenda with schedules in both China and Korea, he still had to be in the same room as Mark, interact with him and act like everything was the same.

But it wasn’t. 

Jackson was consumed by guilt every time he looked at Mark, thinking back of all the times he insulted, attacked and tried to break Mark, but the boy was in front of him, smiling, giving him his full attention while Jackson spoke, as if the younger was the sun of the older’s days. Jackson felt terrible and envious that Mark could act like that while Jackson was a mess of emotions, guilt tainting them all.

When Mark touched him during their public appearances Jackson couldn’t help jerking with a start. The older’s hand was always heavy and so warm it burned Jackson’s skin and made him feel breathless, and even after Mark pulled his hand away, the younger could still feel those long fingers, the soft touch, the warmth of them ghosting over his skin.

It was most excruciating.

Mark, of course, noticed the change in Jackson and how he was acting like a scared puppy after being hit by a cruel and unworthy owner. Consequently, Jackson saw the hurt in Mark’s eyes because, obviously, he hadn’t done such a thing to Jackson. With the younger’s end of insults and attacks, Mark didn’t need to fight back which meant he hadn’t said or done anything hurtful to Jackson. It was obvious the older was confused with Jackson’s new behaviour, having trouble to adjust to this new dynamic.

In all honesty, it was Jackson just being a coward and a little . He didn’t want to choke on his guilt but he didn’t have the guts to apologise and he was too proud to do so. Which was odd, he normally had no trouble apologising for his wrongdoings, accepting his fault and trying to improve and never do the same again. But when it came to Mark it was just so hard to do the right thing, to come to terms with the older and call a truce. 

Why? Jackson had no idea.

But Mark wanted to know what had changed this time. The older tried approaching Jackson many times, asking for a few minutes to talk but Jackson always refused and escaped, finding every possible excuse to avoid the older. 

If there was something Jackson was good at was giving his all to anything he was focusing on, whether it was fencing or training… or avoiding Mark. He never half-assed anything and with the practice came expertise, making Jackson even better at avoiding the