Mark doesn’t return that day, or night. The only person by Jackson’s side is Joon hyung, who is apologetic and it makes it all worse because Jackson knows it’s only his fault, he’s the only one supposed to look after his health and know his own limits, not others. Moreover, everyone told him to stop, to be more careful. They did his part, Jackson failed.

The physical pain is nothing, really, because he’s given painkillers and all sort of vitamins and whatever else his body needs, he doesn’t even need to care about eating or drinking, the nurses are keeping an eye on all those things. All what Jackson is left to feel and worry about is the pain in his heart, in his soul. There’s no medication that will take the guilt away and he’s sure as hell no one will allow him to get even near a shot of soju.

Too late Jackson realises his mistake and how hypocritical he’s been all this time. With his organic diet and caring about all that, nagging everyone else to look after their health and careful not to catch colds and whatnot, when he never applied the same care to himself. What was the use of making sure all he consumed was organic if he took his body for granted?

He has learnt his lesson, that is for sure, but the he has hurt many in order to do when if he had been a bit more humble and sensible, all the heartache, disappointment and worry could’ve been spared. 

“I’m sorry, hyung,” Jackson mutters, curling to one side, not facing the other man because he just can’t bear meeting his eyes. “You got in trouble because of my stubborn .”

“Don’t apologise. I should’ve stopped you, I know this would happen but I allowed you to continue.”

Jackson curls more into himself, hating all this. He’s literally being regarded as a kid, as if he was incapable of doing it himself. Well, he had shown everyone he wasn’t capable of such.

“I’m sorry for being a stupid kid,” Jackson mumbles, covering his face with the sheet, wanting to disappear. 

“It’s okay, Jacks,” Joon continues and the idol hears the steps approaching before he feels the hand on his shoulder, patting gently. “If you are sorry, then make sure to get better and never work yourself to the ground.”

Jackson sighs deeply, nodding faintly as he whispers a soft, “Okay.” Honestly, that’s all he can do, there’s no other way.

Past midnight Jackson is still awake, with his headphones listening to music, careful not to awake Joon that has decided to stay for the night with him. The idol spends hours seeing the reaction of the fans, their wishes for Jackson’s speedy recovery. Every time he sees one hashtag wishing for him to get well, Jackson feels worse, consumed by guilt.

Through the night, Jackson barely sleeps and the nurses realises he looks even more exhausted, so they give him something to help him fall asleep, and that’s how he spends most of the waking hours of the day, missing the visit from his friends, only learning they dropped by much later when he wakes up for dinner, when the rest of his group is getting ready for the showcase. His mood doesn’t improve as he just keeps thinking how he should’ve been there, with them, instead of a hospital bed. Now there’s an empty spot on the stage, because he was stupid.

It seems self-loathing has become a constant companion of his.

Jackson watches the broadcast of the showcase on the V Live app, hearing the screams of the fans and watching the six boys, performing without him, the songs he rehearsed so much. All that effort, all to waste because he’s not there, where he was aiming to. If only he had just listened.

Regret is his other constant companion.

Even if he can’t join them, Jackson is overcome by a sense of pride and joy when he sees his friends, nailing song after song, giving their all to show their fans their latest work. The fans scream loud and empowered, and that’s the sweetest melody for Jackson, seeing that green sea of Ahgabongs… their baby birds, always so powerful and loud.

Jackson is smiling happily as they start introducing themselves and giving a little speech, feeling a lot better since he got to the hospital.

Until it’s Mark’s turn to speak.

Mark, his beautiful