“What?” Jackson blurts out, convincing himself that he didn’t hear correctly because it doesn’t make sense.

“We should break up,” Mark repeats more certain this time, squaring his shoulders and blinking the tears away. “We hurt each other, we attack each other. Didn’t you see us just doing that? Things got difficult and it was like it was before, snarling at each other, aiming to hurt, attacking our weaknesses. Did we really left that dynamic behind? Just because we were in our honeymoon stage?”

Jackson blinks because he really didn’t see what happened like that, but then it might be because before it was him the one attacking and Mark the one defending himself. Mark might see their argument in a light Jackson just can’t understand for that reason.

“No,” Jackson states. “It’s not the same as it was before, Mark, and you know it. I didn’t want to hurt you, it happened, it escaped my control. I’m not perfect, I might hurt you in the future again, but it’ll never be intentionally ever again.”

“I didn’t support you! I made it all worse and I made it all about myself, ignoring you were the one sick.” The resentment Jackson hears in Mark’s voice isn’t directed to him, and he knows it, it’s all aimed to Mark, and it hurts Jackson deeper. “I’m ashamed I acted that way. What kind of boyfriend does that?!”

“You were hurt!” Jackson raises his voice, trying to stop Mark from hating himself.

His head is hurting, badly. It feels like they are going in circles, their accusations and aches bouncing from one another like a tennis ball. The argument is draining him, but if he says anything about it, Mark will blame himself for still arguing when Jackson needs rest, and there’s no way in hell Jackson will rest until this argument is over.

“Mark, please,” Jackson begs, tired and needing his boyfriend, so he steps forward, once again reaching for Mark. “I know you didn’t mean to hurt me, and you need to know I didn’t mean to hurt you. Things escape our control and that’s normal.” Jackson closes his eyes and takes deep breathes, feeling more and more exhausted with every word that leaves his mouth.

“Gaga?” Mark asks, an urgency in his voice that makes Jackson open his eyes. “Are you okay? You got really pale and look…”

“I’m tired, it’s all,” Jackson answers, trying a smile that feels too lazy.

“I shouldn’t keep you standing when you just got discharged,” Mark chastises himself, leading Jackson to the bed, carefully so the boy can rest. “Do you need anything?”

“Stay with me,” Jackson requests, not letting go of Mark’s hand.

He can see the reluctance in the other’s face, their argument isn’t over and it feels like they are walking over thin ice still. 

Jackson’s expression must be enough to persuade Mark because the older sighs and gets in bed with him. He immediately cuddles up to Mark because that’s what he’s needs the most. His boyfriend sighs but welcomes him in his arms, as Jackson sets his ear over Mark’s chest, listening to his heartbeats.

“I don’t want to break up,” Jackson states softly, eyes closed and arm firmly wrapped around Mark’s torso.

“I don’t like hurting you and I hate fighting,” Mark replies equally soft. “It reminds me of the past, how we only fought. All this time it’s felt like that, like we stepped back in time and all we can do is fighting”

“But it’s not the same,” Jackson points out. “Even if we fight, it’s not the same. Our feelings are not the same, we don’t mean to hurt the other.”

“My feelings were the same back then, Jackson,” Mark reminds Jackson. “I loved you then when you hated me.”

Jackson tends to forget that, distracted by his own feelings and his love for Mark. He forgets that while he resented and mistreated Mark, the older already loved him and had to bear all that. 

“I felt the same anxiety I feel now,” Mark continues. “Feeling hurt by you feels so much like being attacked. I can’t help it, I immediately feel like you’re intentionally trying to hurt me because you hate me.”

“But I don’t,” insists Jackson, hugging Mark a bit tighter and understanding a bit better, realising there’s a trauma