Ch 23 - Moonless Nights

A/N: Brace yourself: Kaistal ahead.

(Immediately following Ch 22)

When the stairwell door bangs closed, the reverberating sound feels like a shot through the heart. Jongin drops to his knees on the cold concrete and stares, just stares, at the door for several minutes, as though concentrating on it hard enough can rewind time and bring Kyungsoo back to him. ‘He wouldn’t do this. He couldn’t…’ his mind struggles to catch up to what has transpired over the past half hour. The dancer knew the older was clearly burdened by what they’d gone through after the Gayo Daejun, but he figured the signs of the singer pulling away had just been Kyungsoo being a careful boyfriend, trying to keep them out of the dangerous crosshairs of the managers and VP.

Now, he reflects, all the boy’s efforts to create distance must have actually been Kyungsoo being a careful employee, protecting his own and their collective careers. The cold realization has him gasping. So his worst fears are true after all – this relationship has meant more to him than it did to the older boy. ‘I like you, Jongin. I do.’ Even if the beautiful singer’s words had stopped there, it would have been enough to cut him to the core. Kyungsoo likes him. Similar to how one feels about a favorite pair of pants or a new song. After almost two years of stolen kisses and more, that’s as far as he’d gotten into the other’s heart. Jongin feels nauseous. It’s only as he starts trying to control his gag reflex that he realizes he’s already hyperventilating because he’s been sobbing uncontrollably since the singer walked away…

He gives himself 24 hours after his heart was shattered on that rooftop. 24 hrs in bed, feigning injury. Truth be told, he is suffering from a deep wound, just one that’s invisible. ‘It’s his birthday,’ Jongin realizes, looking at the date on the clock. ‘Normally, I’d be celebrating his existence and being so grateful for having him in my life…’ He fingers the onyx bracelet he’d bought for the singer as a gift, imagining how good it would look contrasting with Kyungsoo’s pale skin. The birthday boy isn’t even at home today – he’s working, double showcases of Pure Love back to back. Kyungsoo’s words echo back in his mind: “I like my job more.”

‘You stupid, ing workaholic. You like your job more than yourself, too, apparently!’ Jongin throws the bracelet across the room in frustration as tears leak out the corners of his eyes, for the thousandth time.

He can’t hold it together anymore. Without Kyungsoo, he’s crumbling. He needs solace, he needs warmth and understanding touches, and he’s got nowhere to turn within the group. Odds are that Jaehyuk is just going to think he’s trying to start a relationship with someone else if he’s caught koala-ing onto Sehun.

He needs his other friends. Someone he can count on to understand. He needs…

Jongin
Hey… any chance you can break from concert rehearsals to see me for a bit?

Krystal
Sure, I’ll be done in about an hour.
Where do you want to meet?

Jongin
The Room of Sorrows.

Krystal
. Are you okay?
I can make up an excuse and leave whenever you’re there.
Text me when you arrive?

Jongin drags himself down to the SM building and into their special, depressing Room of Sorrows. Unfortunately, all the practice rooms look fairly similar on the inside, so now he’s got too many memories playing back in excruciating detail, assaulting his frazzled mind. Kissing Kyungsoo up against the mirror on the back wall, tickling him when he was near the far left side during Angel rehearsals, laying down with him in the back right corner while the sound system blares Selena…

He retreats back toward the door, trying to find shelter in a space not connected with Kyungsoo, and almost falls over, running into Krystal as she enters the room.

“Hey,” she steadies him, bracing hands on his hip and shoulder to prevent him from hurting himself. Once he’s regained his balance, she starts to pull back but Jongin envelopes her in a tight embrace, clinging to her like a lifeline. Krystal tenses up a moment before patting his back in a comforting manner. “What’s going on? Is it something in EXO? Or is it…?” she hesitates, and Jongin just nods against her shoulder, pulling her even closer.

“It’s over. It’s really over this time,” he manages to get out as he starts to cry.

Krystal’s hands stop patting him and start up and down his back in a more tender, soothing fashion. “I’m sorry, Nini. I’m really sorry. Are you sure? You had that break before – maybe it’s just a rough patch again?” she asks, gently.

Jongin shakes his head, but can’t speak through the tears now. He stands there just absorbing her solace for a while. A few minutes pass before he plucks up the courage to speak again. “H—she said I’m not worth it,” he spills out with a pained sob.

“WHAT. NOBODY is allowed to treat you that way. Enough with the secrets, I’m gonna cut a . Who is she?!” Krystal fumes while cradling him closer and running her fingers through his hair at the nape of his neck, her comforting actions in stark contrast with her furious words.

Jongin lets out an ugly snort. “You might be taller but you’d still lose in a one on one fight if it came down to it.”

“Don’t doubt my fists of fury. I can kick some if I have to,” she rebuts semi-playfully.

“Okay, whatever you say,” he teases back lightly but without any life in the words. He stands back up to his full height and wipes his eyes, amazed he can have any tears left given all the ones he’s shed since yesterday.  When he looks back down at Krystal, she gives him a melancholy smile.

“In all serious, Jongin, this could be a good thing. It’s been so hard for me to watch you constantly on edge in this relationship. You deserve better, someone who makes you feel safe and cared for, that warm, secure love you don’t find yourself questioning, and that you don’t have to hide from everyone. I want that peace, that wholeness for you…”

His heart reacts. The idea of a calm, quiet love that’s a shelter rather than a passionate storm that excites but destroys… it sounds too good to be true. Jongin’s not stupid; he knows what she’s implying even if Krystal isn’t doing it consciously. She’s talking about them. And he’s nowhere near ready to entertain the idea.

“Maybe one day. Maybe not. But not right now,” he says quietly, half to her and half to himself.

She nods and hums in understanding. “No, not now. Take some time to heal,” she squeezes his hand in reassurance before stepping back and giving him space. “Have you eaten yet?”

He shakes his head. He hasn’t eaten since his talk with Kyungsoo almost 30 hours ago. “Want to get noodles and distract me with how things are going preparing for your concert?” he suggests.

“I’d love that.”

.

.

.

Krystal
Happy Birthday!!!
I’m sorry I can’t meet up with you today to celebrate, but what are you doing on the 20th?

Jongin
Thanks!
Um, nothing’s on my schedule, why?

Krystal
Come skiing with us :)
Amber and I are doing a day trip.
She’s bringing her friend Scott.
I promise it’ll be fun.
My treat, as your birthday gift?

Jongin
Okay, sounds good.

And that’s how Jongin finds himself in back seat of Amber’s car a week later, laughing as she and Scott in the front are animatedly trying to rap along with the latest MFBTY album that’s blaring through the speakers. It feels good to genuinely laugh again; he’s spent the past week mostly holed up in his room or in the SM offices trying to work on his acting for Choco Bank… and trying not to think about how Kyungsoo would have helped him if things were how they used to be. The older has been out of sight, always off on individual schedules, though not out of mind. ‘It WILL pass,’ Jongin tells himself. ‘And stuff like this is good; hanging out with others will help you move on.’ He vows not to think of Kyungsoo for the rest of the day.

A light touch on his hand brings him out of his thoughts. Krystal’s on the back seat of the car with him. “Are you excited?” she asks, eyes aglow.

Jongin smiles. “Yeah. It’s been forever since I’ve had a chance to get out and do something sporty.”

“I know, me too. That’s one of the things I love about skiing – it’s pretty easy to do it out in the open while still in Korea, because of all the gear. I never get to ice skate for that reason,” she relays with a half-grimace, puffing out her cheeks.

He laughs at her cute facial expression. “Well, Ms. Winter Sports Extraordinaire, I haven’t skied in quite some time, so don’t go losing me on black diamond trails or anything.”

“Oh, I suppose I could dumb it down and do the bunny slopes with you for a while.”

“Hey, aren’t those for little kids?”

“Yes. And your point is…?”

“I’m not an expert, but I’m also not 10!” Jongin whines.

“Are you sure? You certainly still whine like it.”

Not able to produce a comeback other than a complaining “I do not,” he pulls his beanie off his head and chucks it at her. She laughs and puts it on. “Thanks for the hat. It feels warmer than the one I brought,” Krystal teases with a wink.

Jongin grumbles for show but lets her keep it. He smiles, watching the scenery get more mountainous outside his window. A minute later, and Amber is cheerfully exclaiming, “We’re here!”

After they gear up, the four friends head to a green trail not too far from the main lodge for a quick warm-up. Jongin gets his bearings pretty easily, using his strong sense of balance from all his dancing. They all agree to do the same trail one more time but race each other this time since there aren’t many people on the slopes today.

“Are you ready… are you set… LAST ONE BUYS DRINKS! GO!” yells Amber, and they all take off. Scott takes the early lead, but Jongin’s hot on his tail with Amber and Krystal right behind. As they’re nearing the finish line, Jongin’s about to overtake Scott when he hits a hard patch of ice and slides onto his side. Krystal stops just in front of him. “Are you alright?”

“Yeah,” he laughs, spitting out the little bit of snow that got in his mouth. “I’m fine, except that I’ll be out 30,000 won since I’ll need to buy everyone drinks.”

“Nah, get up.” Krystal grabs his hand and pulls him up. “This is supposed to be a celebration for your birthday. I can’t in good conscience let you pay. Go on, finish before me.” Before Jongin can protest, she’s already gotten behind him, gripped his hips, and given him a shove to get him down the final 25 meters.

Amber and Scott applaud the good sportsmanship, and they all trek into the lodge for coffees and hot chocolates which Krystal insists on buying over Jongin’s objections.

They chat about everyday stuff like recent restaurants they’ve tried while they thaw out sipping their warm drinks. As they finish, Krystal clears their trash from the table and Scott pipes up, “I think I’m going for a black trail next. Anyone else game?”

“I’ll do it!” Amber says, surprising no one with her enthusiasm. The pair look expectantly at Krystal and Jongin.

“We’ll pass. Have fun!” she replies.

Jongin frowns and ventures an insecure, “We could have tried it.”

She gives him a ‘don’t be stupid’ look. “If you’re falling on green trails, you’ll basically die on black ones. What, do you have a death wish?” she deadpans.

“Okay, okay. I guess you have a point. But it was just a little slip; don’t patronize me. Let’s at least do a blue trail.”

“Alright, let’s go.”

They head over and get on a ski lift that will take them to the start of a blue trail. With all their gear on, they have to squish together to fit on the bench seat. Side by side, it’s quiet ride up at first. Jongin admires the fresh snowfall from the privileged view the ski lift offers. “Isn’t it beautiful?” he murmurs.

“Yeah…” Krystal softly replies. He feels her staring at him and turns to face her. She blushes and looks down the slope.

They reach the top of the lift and glide down the exit ramp. Before they shove off, Krystal grabs his arm to get his attention. “No racing, okay? Let’s just go down at a controlled pace. Stick toward the center, don’t let yourself get to close to the tree line, and don’t be afraid to come to a stop in the middle if you feel like the speed is taking you out of control.”

Jongin huffs in annoyance. “Oh my gosh, you’re worse than my mother. I’ll be FINE, you worrywart.”

“I just don’t want to see you get hurt. Be careful, okay?” she pleads.

He’s touched by her genuine concern for him but refuses to feed into her fears by coming off as scared. He mock salutes her. “Yes, sunbae, I will take care.” Before she can retort, he digs his poles into the ground and starts down the trail.

The wind whistles in his ears, and Jongin relishes the freedom of flying down the mountain. A few snow drifts catch him by surprise but he stays upright and continues to maneuver down the slope. About 2/3 of the way on the trail, he comes up over a crest to see a fallen skier just a few meters in front of him. He swerves left, hard, to narrowly avoid running the person over, but his speed makes it difficult for him to correct back to the middle of the course. The next thing he knows, he hits a tree and goes down. Groaning, he closes his eyes and flops his head back. This one hurts. Bad.

“Oh my God, Nini!” he hears Krystal’s panicked voice as she’s sliding to a stop next to him. She rips off her helmet and ski goggles to get a closer look at him, grabbing his face in her hands. “Are you conscious? Can you hear me?!”

Jongin mumbles, “Of course I can hear you. Even if I was in a coma, I would hear you with how loud you’re yelling.” He smirks and starts to laugh at his own joke while trying to sit up, but he feels a shooting pain run down his leg and grits his teeth to keep from yelping in agony.

Krystal immediately supports his back and helps him lay down again. “Don’t move. What hurts?”

“My leg. Just give me a moment.”

She abides by his wish and stays silent a minute. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have dragged you out here.”

“What are you talking about? This was an accident. There’s nothing to be sorry about. And you didn’t drag me, I wanted to come.” He moves his goggles on top of his helmet so he can look her in the eyes and show her how sincere he is. “I needed this.”

“But now you’re injured, and I know how busy you are with touring. And crap! We’ve even got the Golden Disk Awards tomorrow.” She worriedly chews on her bottom lip.

“I don’t think it’s anything serious, relax. And if it is bad enough that I can’t dance, I’m sure SM will just bust out a ‘Throne of Shame’ for me to perch on, and the show will go on. If you want to feel sorry for anyone, feel sorry for my members who are going to have to adjust the choreography for the nth time,” he quips with a rueful smile.

“I’m going to go get help. I’ll be back in just a minute with the medical crew, okay?” Krystal starts to stand back up, but without thinking, Jongin grabs her hand.

“Stay. Just a little while?” He doesn’t want to tell her it’s because the pain is still throbbing and likely at its peak right now, as the shock has worn off. That’d just make her feel more guilty (‘and make you look like a wuss,’ a voice suggests). So he just gives her his best puppy dog eyes until she sits back down.

“Okay,” she says quietly.

After another minute, the pain subsides a little, and Jongin realizes he’s still squeezing her hand. “Um, help me sit up?” Pulling with their interlocked hands, she gets him in an upright position. “See? I’m not so fragile. I could probably ski the rest of the way down in just a minute.”

“Don’t be ridiculous. I’m getting you a stretcher.” She starts to get her feet underneath her to stand, but Jongin desperately doesn’t want a stretcher and the scene it would inevitably cause. Someone will recognize them for sure if they call that much attention to themselves. So he does the only thing he can think of: he tips her over while she’s still in a squat and throws a small handful of snow at her face.

“Kim Jongin!” she splutters, wiping her face before grabbing a fist full of the powdery snow and trying to cram it down his jacket by the back of his neck. He howls at the cold sensation and uses his upper body to wrestle her onto her back as she flings some more snow toward his face. He squeezes his eyes shut, still holding her down by the shoulders, while yelling, “Truce! Truce!”

When she stops fighting him, he cautiously pops an eye open and goes breathless at the gorgeous sight before him. Krystal is laying back with her head against the fluffy white snow, eyes crinkled up as she is overcome with laughter. Something about her beauty and the way her raven hair contrasts with the snow triggers a memory of another stunning loved one: porcelain skin glowing in the moonlight, heart-shaped lips pulled into a blissful smile, as dark hair fans out across a white pillow…

Jongin jolts back like he’s been electrocuted by the past. ‘Kyungsoo…’ he feels his heart yearn and fresh tears prick his eyes.

“Oh no, your pain’s getting worse isn’t it?” Krystal frets. Jongin nods absent-mindedly even though the physical pain in his leg isn’t all that noticeable anymore. “Let me get the medical team,” she pleads.

“No. Just call Amber and Scott. I’ll be able to walk down with support,” he insists.

Their friends arrive a few minutes later, and they manage down the trail pretty easily, each taking turns letting Jongin lean on them. He can put a little weight on the leg, just not much. The dancer figures it’s a strained muscle, not a tear or anything more serious, which is a relief. Once they’re on the solid pavement, he actually feels up to walking to the car on his own. The group packs up and heads back to Seoul. “Do you want me to drop you at SM?” Amber asks.

“No, just take me to the dorm, please. I’ll do the ice and heat routine and then talk to my manager if necessary. I don’t think it’s that bad, honest.” As they pull up to his stop, he thanks Amber for driving and says goodbye to Scott as Krystal exits the car to see if he wants help getting out. He almost waves her off, but can see the worry lines on her face and lets her help. “Thanks for inviting me. And stop feeling bad – I’m glad I went. It was fun,” he squeezes her shoulder.

Krystal gives him a tight smile. “Text me later so I know you’re okay?”

“Will do. See you tomorrow at the awards show.”

------------------------------------

Kyungsoo is surprised to see people still awake when he stumbles into the dorm at almost 2am. The bathroom light leaks under the closed door, indicating it’s occupied by some unknown member, and a single light in the kitchen is on, illuminating Jongdae as he fishes through the freezer.

“Hey, what are you doing up so late?” he greets his fellow vocalist.

Jongdae groans and keeps digging in the freezer. “Trying to find something suitable to ice Jongin’s injury. He’s done with heat and needs ice now, but no one refilled the tray from earlier today.” He retrieves two bags of frozen string beans and inspects them, satisfied they should do the trick.

Kyungsoo is suddenly wide awake and spitting questions in rapid-fire succession. “What happened? Is it his back?”

“Yes, but no,” Jongdae yawns, “it’s his leg, mostly, though his lower back is bothering him, too.”

“Leg? Is it a strain or a rolled ankle?”

“I think it’s a strain. Not his ankle, closer to his knee.”

“You think – he hasn’t been seen by a doctor yet?”

“No, he didn’t want to—“

“Of course he doesn’t want to go, he never does. You have to make him. How long has he had h