EXO’luxion ERA

Immediately following Ch 16

Kyungsoo feels like he’s in some surreal nightmare. “I’m over it! I can’t do this anymore, Kyungsoo.” Jongin’s words, clipped off at the end by his tearful cry, are echoing in his ears and gradually threatening his sanity. He’s got approximately 5 seconds to get himself under control, though, because Junmyeon’s marching his way over to him and is going to want an explanation on why Jongin just literally left the building.

“What on earth – what just happened?” Junmyeon demands, face contorted with worry.

“I, uh, just told Jongin about Hyung, my next movie role, and he didn’t take it well seeing as how it’s already been crappy that I’ve been gone so much filming for my current project.”

Lies. He hasn’t even had the chance to tell Jongin about the movie yet, but it’s the only semi-reasonable excuse he can come up with on the fly when his heart and mind are completely preoccupied with agony over Jongin’s final words.

“Oh. Yeah, he’s been pretty down in the dumps lately. ‘It’s just not home without hyung.’” Junmyeon does a pathetic Jongin impression, but it doesn’t matter how weak it is: the words crush Kyungsoo and it’s all he can do to choke back the sob in his throat. He feels like he’s suffocating. Hearing how much Jongin has missed him from an oblivious third party just makes him feel all the more guilty.  “But you’ll be filming in Seoul for that, right? Don’t worry, he’ll get over it.” His leader gives him an encouraging smile.

If Junmyeon only knew how wrong he was. “Maybe… I know we need to get out there for rehearsal right now, but could you give him a few minutes? Please… for me?” He looks at the elder with his honest misery openly displayed on his face. Something about his sincere pleading works as the other nods and heads back to the other group members.

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While the distance between them during ments at the Beijing concert was only a few feet, it felt emotionally like a gulf the size of the Grand Canyon. Kyungsoo tries not to panic through the first day, but on the second day when his attempts to talk or touch Jongin are all avoided without even a passing glance, he realizes the younger boy might have truly meant what he said. His goodbye to the group before flying back to Goheung further confirms his fear: Rather than a hug like he receives from Chanyeol or hair tossle that he gets from Minseok, Jongin gives a casual “See you later” from across the room with a nondescript wave. It hurts more than a cold shoulder would because it felt like a goodbye you’d give an acquaintance that you simply didn’t care about one way or another. Anger, Kyungsoo could deal with. Apathy, as it turns out, feels a thousand times worse.

Traveling the long journey back to the set on his own, he finally has a chance to really think about what went wrong. Jongin has always been especially emotional, partly because he was younger but mostly because that was just… Jongin. His sensitive nature is one of the things Kyungsoo loves about him. Like he was deeply affected by losing EXO members, when Jongin hurt, he hurt. When he felt jealous, he was possessively jealous. When he felt physically affectionate, he was intensely passionate. Kyungsoo gulps at the memories; how could he have not connected the dots? Only now was the older boy realizing that he’d severely underestimated how hard it was for Jongin to not be able to wear his heart on his sleeve to others when it came to their relationship. Jongin was so accustomed to being consumed by his deep emotions and radiating them outwardly. This was one of the reasons he was such a glorious dancer.

Keeping their relationship under wraps forced Jongin to deny this integral part of his character. It’s not like it wasn’t difficult for Kyungsoo to have to sneak around. Of course it bothered him that he couldn’t openly date the dancer or tell others how head over heels he was… but he was a very private person by nature. It was undeniably easier for him to keep quiet. Coupling this characteristic with his pragmatic, responsible approach to his career, Kyungsoo had long ago resigned himself to never dating someone openly.

Jongin likely never thought about this before or resigned himself in this way. ‘Probably in part because… he’s probably not strictly gay… so dating openly might one day be a possibility for him,' Kyungsoo thinks, a tear streaming down his face at the thought of Jongin with someone else.

He is still annoyed at Jongin harping on his dedication to his work. It’s true: in a lot of ways, Kyungsoo is a workaholic, but so is Jongin. And the dancer had always seemed to admire that about him before. What had changed? ‘Isn’t it obvious? Your work is taking you in a different direction.’ Before, all of the singer’s efforts had been aimed in the same direction as the dancer’s: both forging toward being the best Kpop boyband of the times. It was easy to sweat and bleed toward the same goal. With all the acting Kyungsoo was doing now, and EXO potentially reaching their peak, it was inevitable that their work-obsessed tendencies were going to pull them toward different dreams over time, slowly drifting further apart as they followed different career trajectories. So… does this mean that their current difficulties with balancing work and relationship priorities would only get worse each passing year? Kyungsoo weeps at the irony; he would never have had any interest in acting without the encouragement from Jongin, who believed in him from their debut days when he had fumbled over introducing MAMA on their first music show.

‘Maybe this was inevitable…’

‘But you can’t just let him go without trying!’ wails a desperate, love-struck piece of him. For now, he doesn’t know what to do. He faces the window, the pitch black moonless night mirroring his dark mood, and tries to blink back tears for the remainder of the turbulent flight.

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Kyungsoo still hasn’t figured out what to say or how to say it. He tries to send him a text the day after he gets back to filming, rewriting it over and over again.

“How are you doing?” – too casual and dismissive
“I’m sorry” – meaningless without clarifying the why, which would take a dozen texts
“I know you’re hurting” – thanks Captain Obvious. And it sounds insensitive.

“UGH!” Kyungsoo tosses his phone back in his bag in frustration. He stares at the ceiling for another hour before finally settling on a simple “I miss you” and praying it goes through.

He never gets a response.

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A week later, he’s flying back to Japan for another SMTOWN concert. The reunion with the group is getting more routine and businesslike. Unfortunately, Jongin’s greeting is exactly that: businesslike. He seems completely indifferent to his presence, and Kyungsoo finds he can’t stay in the EXO dressing room and play along. He excuses himself under the guise of going to the restroom and wanders around backstage instead. An infectious laugh emanates out of a doorway he’s passing, followed by a loud “Hey! Kyungsoo!”

He stills and turns toward the voice, taking in a beaming Amber. He bows politely and tries to give a convincing smile. “Hi.”

“I am LOVING you in Hello, Monster. You did such a convincing job as a psychopath – how does it end?? Can you share any spoilers?” She says this with an over-the-top wink, clearly just playing around.

Kyungsoo grins more easily and shakes his head, blushing. “I’m such a small role, really. And I can’t tell you the end – they’ll fire me,” he quips. He’s about to give a soft laugh when he realizes Krystal is approaching him and he freezes up a little. ‘Of course she’s here, idiot. This is f(x)’s dressing room, after all.’

“Hey stranger. I haven’t had a proper conversation with you in months,” she greets in her typical flat manner that’s still somehow laced with a touch of friendliness. It’s a feeling only Krystal can pull off, and Kyungsoo can’t help but think how Jongin’s recent apathetic treatment is similar yet so fundamentally different from this.

She reaches out and grasps his arm, right on the inside of his elbow, and he reflexively bends his arm to properly her but not before his surprise at the sudden closeness flashes in his eyes. In reality, it’s Krystal who’s escorting him back out into the hallway and then down a quiet passageway. Having apparently reached their destination, she leans with her back against the wall and tugs him down to sit next to her, releasing his arm once they’re settled.

Kyungsoo looks at her with eyes full of questions. “What’s up?”

She bites her lip and then opens up. “Okay, I’m sorry if I’m being obnoxious – you can just tell me if I am.” He quirks his head to the side and encourages her to continue. “Has, um, has Jongin told you about what happened a few weeks back at our photoshoot?”

He gulps and his heart sinks as he remembers that Jongin had alluded to something important transpiring between them at the shoot. ‘Oh .’ He has no idea and is honestly not sure he can stay calm and collected hearing about whatever this is for the first time from Krystal. He manages to squeak out, “No, he didn’t.”

“Ah, he really is good at keeping secrets from his friends,” she murmurs mostly to herself, and Kyungsoo flinches. “Well, I’m obviously not. Um, basically, he told me he was dating someone.”

‘. WHAT.’ Kyungsoo’s mind is in overdrive trying to decipher Krystal’s expression but she’s looking at him carefully, like she’s doing the same. He’s internally freaking out while trying to keep a pensive actor-face on when she breaks the silence to ask:

“But you already knew that, huh?” She keeps searching his face for traces of shock or recognition.

Kyungsoo has no idea how he should play this: Does she already know about him and Jongin and is waiting for him to admit it? Should he lie and feign innocence of Jongin being in a relationship with anyone? He’s got only one more second to think before his response gets suspicious, so he tries avoiding the question and goes with a noncommittal, “How exactly did that come up?”

“Damn, so it is true? I… okay don’t tell anyone else, alright, but I recently realized I—I really like Jongin. As in, more than a friend. So after the photoshoot, I started to confess to him. I say started to because he cut me off and told me I’d make a wonderful girlfriend and all but he’s already seeing someone.”

He experiences a rollercoaster of emotions from that one sentence: relief that Jongin interrupted to try and prevent the confession, jealousy over the boy’s sincere affection for Krystal, and deep-seated pain over the fact that the final words are pretty much no longer true. He’s got to say something, and he’s still not sure how much to give away, so he simply prods, “What happened next?”

Krystal looks down at her hands as she sheepishly admits, “well, I honestly didn’t believe him. I told him as much, that he didn’t have to fake a relationship. He insisted, and I brushed it off as him just trying to let me down easy. But I’m