Humans…

Are they inherently good or evil?

It’s only natural to want the best grades, to get ahead. To be the smartest. To get the best job. And of course the best jobs make the best money. Money to buy the best things with. Buy the best clothes. To look the best.

The best nose, best chin, best eyes.

Humans want to be the best. They can do good or evil to achieve their goals but I don’t think that’s how humans start out. Reading any psychology book you’ll quickly get down to the core of it: humans are inherently selfish.

And because we’re selfish, we hurt others.

-&-

As soon as the teaching assistant has all of the graded tests handed out, I’m immediately peeking at Hanbin’s paper. A 98. Exactly the same score as mine.  

The professor tells us lecture is over for the day but most of the class has ignored her in favor of exchanging answers. I grab at Hanbin’s test, comparing it to my answers. We studied together and shared notes, so it would make sense that our tests are similar but I didn’t want to get in trouble if all of our answers were the same. My lips are pursed together tightly as I peruse the tiny black font and Hanbin’s chicken scratch scrawl, stark against the white paper.

“Can we go now?” Hanbin mumbles, his backpack already on, half his hanging off the chair and ready to go. “You can do that later, Hayi. I’m hungry.”

“Just a second…” My finger taps at a question, looking back and forth between the two tests. Our answers were the same but Hanbin got the question right. I shove my test paper at him, showing the question ruthlessly X’ed out in bright red pen. “Nam graded these wrong, we have to go to his office so he can change my grade.”

Hanbin squints at the paper with tired eyes. He nods that, yes, it was the same. He gives the test back to me, standing up.

“Don’t bother him about something like that, you still got a good grade.” Hanbin sighs, moving hair from out of his face. Did he just roll his eyes at me? “Be happy with your 98, Nam’ll just laugh at you. Do you need to beat my grade that bad?”

“Hey, Kim Hanbin.” I huff as I stand up to face him, glaring up at his stupid face. “I don’t care if I beat you or not. Are you even my competition? It’s just about getting the grade I worked for. Why would I take a lower grade?”

I throw his test at him and storm out, stomping down the stairs to the teaching assistants’ office. I swing the door open harder than I intended to and immediately bow as I make eye contact with our TA, NamTae. He stifles a small laugh as he watches me bow clumsily, making my way toward his desk by the window. I noticed another student in the room when I had entered but I wring my hands nervously when I see who it was.

Piano Boy. What’s he doing here?

I peek at him from the corner of my eye, feeling bad for being loud while he sits quietly with his headphones on filling out some piece of paper.

“What brings you here, Hayi?” NamTae asks with a knowing smile. He just handed out graded tests, of course he’d be visited by students. I feel dumb, knowing I’m just inconveniencing him, and consider just turning around to join Hanbin at lunch.

“Here.” I shove my test toward him, slightly crumpled out of anger and flipped to the page where the mistake had been made. I stare down at my shoes as he looks it over. “Hanbin and I were looking at our grades together and noticed there was a difference in how this question was graded. We both should have gotten it right but mine had points taken off.”

Piano Boy hasn’t looked up, I don’t think he’s even noticed he’s not the only student in the office anymore.

“Why didn’t Hanbin come with you?” NamTae asks as he slowly nods, scribbling something down on a notepad. He attaches the note to my test and sets it aside on his desk. I watch him carefully, not sure what to say.

“He had class.” I lie lamely.

“I trust you and everything looks good, so I’ll fix the grade.” I thank him and he gives me a tiny smile. “It’s alright if I keep the test to show the professor what I changed, right?”

I nod, watching as he gets up to go to the mailroom in the back. When I turn back and get ready to go I notice that the guy has taken his headphones off. He’s smirking, as if he’d just witnessed something hilarious.

“Wow, that was amazing.” He remarks, setting his work onto the TA’s desk. “You already had such a high grade but you still wanted it changed.”

“Why are you here?” I ask defensively, feeling embarrassed that he had heard everything.

“I’m taking Nam’s Psych 101.” He shrugs, moving toward the door and holding it for me with his ridiculously long arm. “It’s required for performance majors.”

“And you heard everything?” I ask anxiously, walking past him into the hallway. It still bothers me he used almost the exact words Hanbin had. Most students didn’t even pass the test but I got an A.

Why was I being greedy?   

“Yeah.” He pops a single earbud into his ear which makes me angry for some reason. I guess it’s not worth listening to me without background music in his ear. I’m not worth all of his attention. “Don’t be embarrassed, though. You have to be like that, right? Your major is probably pretty competitive, you’re all fighting each other for the top.”

“Don’t say it like that.” I grumble, gripping painfully tight onto my backpack straps. “What are your classes even like? Playing a few songs and getting a shiny star sticker when you do a good job? I never understood why our university even has a music program… It’s not like it’s a real major.”

His jaw tenses at my words and I regret them instantly as he turns his narrowed eyes at me.

“You’re taking everything too seriously.” He warns me in a deep voice, a vein pulsing in his long neck. “Good grades and a boring career aren’t all there is in life.”

“Maybe not to you.” I squeak, not sure why I can’t stop myself from fighting with him. Just because he’s content being poor and playing some instrument doesn’t mean I have to apologize for working hard. He’s different when he’s not smiling. I never noticed how masculine his face is. “Good luck at your little concert, I’m definitely not going to be there to give you a gold star.

“You’re friends with Kim Hanbin, right?” He changes the subject suddenly. He turns around and notices I’ve slowed down behind him. His hand plucks out the single earbud and lets the wire loop lazily around his neck.

His face has relaxed and isn’t that shade of red rage it had been before.

“Yeah.” I step toward him, my body still wound tight like a coil ready to explode. “We’re friends.”

He nods, a small smile forming where an angry frown had been before. I wet my lips.

“I still want you to go to the concert, Hayi.” He awkwardly reaches out to touch my shoulder. My skin tingles. “Bring Hanbin with you, too.”

He moves his hand and it feels like my arm has been chopped off.

“I still don’t know your name.” I complain suddenly and he whips around with a laugh.

“Later!” He promises with a wave as he walks off.

I clutch onto my chest as I watch him disappear down the hallway.

If it’s going to feel like a heart attack every time I talk to him I don’t know if I can handle it.

-&-

By the time I get home I’m already in a bad mood. Today had gone wrong in so many ways, I just wanted to go to sleep. Some random guy had shook me up and I don’t even know his name.

I was too mad at Hanbin to sit with him at academy. He was already there when I got to class and I went out of my way to sit several rows away from him. We even made eye contact.

I know I’m too stubborn for my own good.

I know that the more I drag these things out, the more the fault falls on me.

“Honey, I’m home.” I slam the door behind me, slipping my shoes off and throwing my bag onto the floor.

“Did you eat?” My roommate asks as I flop onto the couch next to her.

I shake my head and she pats my hair.

“Let’s go eat meat and get drunk.” Jimin sing songs, showering me with a small stack of bills she pulled from out of nowhere. “My parents sent me my allowance and I have that part time job they still don’t know about, so…”

I bob up, the money scattering as I sit straight.

“Okay.” I agree, carefully gathering Jimin’s money and handing it to her once it’s been neatly organized.

Park Jimin is the kind of girl who doesn’t have a lot to worry about. Her parents live abroad and they always send her a regular allowance. I’ve been living with her since Professor Lee first went on sabbatical when I was in high school. Our apartment is tiny but comfy.

She got a job at a restaurant when I started the TOEIC academy so she wouldn’t be lonely. She works with some guy she always talks about. Her university isn’t as famous as mine and it’s all womens, but her grades are good and she wants to be a teacher.

Jimin is always happy. She’s talkative, she makes friends easily. She always speaks her mind and she’s not afraid to be herself.

I’m not like that. I can never find the right words to express myself properly. I pause a lot when I speak because I’m thinking of what next to speak so people get exhausted talking to me. But if I speak without thinking I always say the wrong things and offend people.

Sometimes it’s better to just not say anything at all.

“As expected, meat is the best.” Jimin hums happily, cradling a glass of beer in her hand not picking at the food on the grill. She wafts the scent of cooking pork belly toward her nose, the fat sizzling musically as Jimin seems to dance along.

Jimin extends her arm toward me, shoving a piece of meat in my mouth as I chew thoughtfully.

I feel better but I can’t help thinking about fighting with Hanbin and the Piano Boy earlier that day. I didn’t express myself well. I should have been more clear about how I felt to avoid being misunderstood. Instead I just got mad and without thinking, I lashed out.

I stick another piece of pork belly in my mouth and wash it down with a gulp of beer. Jimin chatters on about the cute boy at her restaurant. I try to listen with a smile on my face.

Somehow, my heart still feels uneasy.

-&-

“Sorry.” Hanbin sets a cup of coffee in front of me. I turn it around, looking at the a smiley face drawn on its side. He sighs, as if it’s physically painful to apologize. “I was wrong.”

“Me, too. I’m sorry for ignoring you.” I take the coffee, sipping it gratefully. My head’s killing me and my stomach is in knots. I barely made it out of bed this morning. I shouldn’t have let Jimin talk me into drinking that much.

Especially not when I had class the next morning.

I rest my head on the desk top, angling the coffee at my mouth as I sip at it.

“Did you drink last night?” Hanbin laughs, lowering his voice to a whisper as he sits next to me in the cramped study room. I nod, flipping the pages of my textbook absentmindedly, still sipping at my coffee. He lets his bag fall on top of mine and opens his textbook, pristine and untouched compared to my own highlighted and underlined mess.

Something tickles at my nose. I lift my head and sniff at the air. I didn’t notice it at first but the scent of cologne had lightly filled the small room.

“You smell really good.” I observe suddenly, leaning forward to smell his sweater. Hanbin recoils immediately as if stung and I nod my head in apology. “Sorry, do you have a date or something? You’re dressed nicer than usual, too.”

“Ah, really? I didn’t do anything different, though.” He tries to chuckle cooly but his voice cracks.

I eye him suspiciously. He takes a long drink from his coffee and I notice he even styled his hair. Something is weird.

“You really have nothing going on tonight?” I ask, finally sitting up, hooking one leg over another more comfortably in the stiff library chair. I think of the concert and Piano Boy’s unintended ultimatum. “Then, do you want to go on a date with me tonight?”

Hanbin coughs, spilling his coffee slightly onto his book.

“What?”

I rest my chin on my hand, watching him as he chokes. I use my sleeve to wipe up some of the coffee from his book since I’m just wearing an old sweatshirt. His face is bright red and I can’t help but laugh.

“A friend date.” I clarify. Maybe he really did have something going on. I want to see Piano Boy again but I know I can’t go to the concert alone. He probably doesn’t even like me. He only seemed to approach me because of Hanbin. Even the first time we talked I was on the phone with Hanbin. “Why, are you actually busy? It’s okay if you are.”

“No, I’m not busy.” He says once he’s pulled himself back together, giving me a weary look with his narrow eyes. “What do you want to do?”

“This.” I pull the flyer out of my bag, creased in weird places and edges and painted with various mystery stains. I place it in his hand and he raises an eyebrow at me.

“How long have you been carrying this around for it to look like this?” He cringes, reading over the flyer as he cautiously holds it in between his index finger and thumb. “I’m not really into this kind of thing, Hayi.”

“Oh.” I really want to see the Piano Boy. I want to hear him play. I don’t want him to hate me.

“Did your sister invite you?” Hanbin asks, giving me back the flyer. I frown, shaking my head. “Why would you even go, then? Looks dumb.”

“I don’t know, I kind of like things like this. It’s relaxing.” I mumble, feeling defeated already. Hanbin doesn’t even listen to music on his phone, it was a longshot to invite him to a dance recital. I have one last shot. “I want to go but my sister will be there. I don’t want to go alone if I have to bump into her. If you don’t want to go I’ll just forget about it then.”

“Wait.” Hanbin sighs and I can see the guilt start to fall across his face. He bites his lips as if deep in thought. He takes a sip of coffee and lets out a long exhale. “Fine, let’s go to this since you want to go so bad.”

I hit him on the arm in excitement.

“Kim Hanbin, you’re my hero.” I squeal, hitting him one last time before stuffing the flyer back into my bag. He laughs awkwardly and slicks back his hair with his hand, staring down at his textbook. I’ll get to see Piano Boy again. I rock back gleefully in my chair before focusing back on my book, too.

My cheeks hurt from smiling.

---

A/N: I got kind of excited and had to get my thoughts out, lol. This probably won't happen often but I hope you enjoy it.