There's a moment when you realize the person you thought you knew the best, you never really knew at all.

It was my fault for thinking Hanbin didn't exist before we met. I never thought about it. It never crossed my mind that he had others friends before me, that there was a part of him I didn't know.

How did I never realize that when I hid my feelings and kept everything inside, Hanbin was next to me, doing the same?

If I had been less preoccupied with my own pain, maybe I would have seen his.

-&-

There was a piano in our living room when I was younger. My grandmother would play while Chaerin and I would dance. We were both in ballet but Chaerin was better at it than I was. That didn’t matter to me back then, I was seven years old and all that mattered was that it was fun.

I sat in the university’s theatre and watched the stage, shadows of a dream that never seemed realistic. The girls on the stage were faceless blurs, twirling figures that didn’t even seem human. I clutched the hem of my skirt, not realizing I was doing it at first. My knuckles turned white.

I relaxed my grip and wonder why I felt like I was going to cry.

I was nine when I was told I didn’t have a ballerina’s body. I was too clumsy and awkward. I couldn’t express emotion.

I was ten when my mother died and we moved to live with my father in Germany. I never danced again.

I turned my attention to the unlit pit of the stage. If I hadn’t known to look I wouldn’t have seen him, his face obscured from my view. I could faintly see the way his hair cropped into his neck, the white collar laid against his tan skin. I tried to focus on him, the stage speakers drowning the amphitheatre in his music.

I couldn’t inhale without breathing him in.

At the final bow I watched as those nameless and faceless dolls bowed to the audience, then brought out their choreography with a round of applause. I bit my lips as I watched Chaerin bring up the pianist to the stage and lost my nerve. I watched the way Chaerin put her arm around Piano Boy and realized I didn’t want to be part of that world.

I was sure they were close from working together, that didn’t bother me. Their smiles, the way they laughed like they weren’t on display for the audience to see. It was private and closed off. Chaerin told me once that our lives were going in separate directions. If we were to walk together, one of us would would only end up getting lost.

I stood up from my seat before the curtain had a chance to close. Hanbin, too, had stood quickly, his expression impossible to read. I didn’t want to stay any longer, I didn’t want to see the Piano Boy and I didn’t want to see my sister.

“I’m sorry for bringing you somewhere weird and boring.” I apologized to Hanbin as we walked out of the theatre and into the lobby. The bright light hurt my eyes and I squinted to adjust to the change. A voice called out my name and we both paused. I turned, seeing a girl wave me over from the other side of the lobby.

We were schoolmates in middle school. Kim Jisoo was a year older and went to a performance high school. We were friends but we fought all the time. We were too different to be friends but too young to know that. I didn’t know why Jisoo would want to see me, we hadn’t spoken in years.

Next to her stood the pretty girl I’d noticed at the music department and behind them was the Piano Boy. I gulped.

“Hanbin!” The pretty girl said  in surprise as we got closer. I turned to him in confusion. “Bobby said you went here but I thought it was strange I never saw you around campus.”

“Wow, do you three know each other?” Jisoo questioned.

I was starting to feel uneasy and wanted to leave.

“Yeah.” The Piano Boy, no, Bobby, spoke up. “Hanbin and I went to the same middle school.”

I immediately regretted coming as I glanced at Hanbin’s face. It was the same face he used when he was uncomfortable, the sideways smile that really meant he wanted to get out of there as soon as possible. It was the face he used whenever his parents were mentioned, when people spoke about careers, the future.

I made a mistake in bringing him there, he did not want to meet these people.

I glanced nervously at the piano boy… Bobby.

I was selfish.

He didn’t even look at me, his eyes were trained on Hanbin.

I was selfish.

“Do you want to go to the cast after party?” Jisoo asked to focus back attention. She leaned in to whisper. “Your sister won’t be there.”

She smiled playfully and there was a reason everyone loved Jisoo. She always made you feel special, like you’d been cordially invited into her exclusive world of lip gloss and coy winks. I hated her for bringing up my sister, and for inviting me to a party that was over a long time ago.

“Who’s your sister?” The pretty girl, Jennie, asked before realization popped into her head. Her double lidded eyes widened. “You’re Lee Chaerin’s sister!”

“You’re sisters?” The question came slowly, filled with a hopefulness I wish I hadn’t heard, as Bobby finally spoke to me.

“You should definitely come to the party, then, so you can tell us all of the gossip!” Jennie smiled.

“Don’t feel awkward because you’re not in the cast.” Jisoo laughed.

That’s not it! I wanted to yell but I kept it inside of me. I could feel the anger and embarrassment burning its way through my gut like I had just swallowed battery acid. Hanbin stood next to, quiet, dangerously quiet like the calm receding of the tides before a wave.

“We can’t.” I spoke for the both of us because Hanbin would never say no. He’d never hurt anyone’s feeling. He’d never make anyone feel awkward. “Hanbin and I have plans after this. We just came to see the show because we had some time.”

“Hanbin.” Bobby said suddenly. “Your number hasn’t changed, right?”

Hanbin shook his head without looking up, lightly scuffing his shoes against the floor. Someone might have been mistaken he was naturally shy, naturally quiet. Somehow, I knew better.

“Then why do you never answer my calls?” Bobby asked, the tension in the air thick and tangible, threatening to choke us all.

I looked up in shock, my eyes darting nervously to Hanbin. I had gotten us into a trap and never realized it.

Jisoo was the first to laugh, and then Jennie, two girls that seemed unable to thrive in discomfort.

“Kim Jiwon, be less dramatic!” Jisoo told him with a shaky laugh before turning her attention onto me. I nearly stepped back at the force of her gaze, not expecting it. “Hayi, could I have your phone number? I don’t have it anymore.”

She explained with a wink and I gave it to her reluctantly before Hanbin and I left.

-&-

“Why did you want to come and watch this?” Hanbin had asked me.

I couldn’t respond. I couldn’t form the words. I just felt bad.

Why did I want to go? To see Bobby?

He didn’t even really speak to me, why did he invite me at all?

It was about Hanbin all along.

“I’m sorry.” It was all I could say as I walked with my head hung low.

The way he shut me out I expected him to part ways quickly but he still offered to walk me home. He was quiet the whole time, never looking up from the ground. The street seemed darker than usual, the street lamps providing only a dull yellow glow.

Hanbin paused in front of me as we stood outside my apartment building.

He opened his mouth as if to speak and then pursed his lips, like he’d suddenly changed his mind. I watched as he turned around without saying anything and left down the dimly lit road. His shoulders seemed to be weighed down heavier and heavier as he disappeared from sight.

-&-

After that day if I saw Bobby we never spoke, only bumping into each other occasionally in the TA’s office or around campus.