When I was younger I had problems falling asleep at night. My father would have to tell me a story in order to get me to sleep. He would ask me to think of three words and he’d make a story from whichever words I’d chosen.

I’d try to trick him, making the most obscure combinations I could think of, but he always thought of something. After each The End, he’d kiss my forehead and tuck me in, even if I’d already fallen asleep.

I wish I had written those stories down. No matter how hard I try I can’t remember a thing, only my father’s gentle breath and his horn-rimmed glasses. I wonder if he knew how thankful I was for those moments we spent together?

-&-

We sit in silence around the living room, our phones gathered together on the coffee table. Our bodies are tense, as if an artist had shaped us from marble and posed us in our chairs like statues. All eyes are trained on the phones in the middle of the room, waiting for one to go off like a bomb.

How many of us had gathered in this small room? There were too many grey faces and stiffly crossed arms to count. And I’m afraid if I look away from my phone it will never ring. Chaerin sits at my side, hand gripping onto my knee, manicured nails digging into my skin through my jeans. If I didn’t glance down I wouldn’t have known… My whole body has gone numb.

I catch myself, gulping up air as if afraid I’d stopped breathing while my mind had been elsewhere.

Chaerin’s phone starts to vibrate violently on the table’s surface and we stare in disbelief.  

An unknown number.

Chaerin picks up, answers. Tears well in her eyes.

“Daddy.” She cries out, the dam breaking as she covers to fight the rolling onslaught of sobs.

-&-

“Are you sure you don’t want me to drive you, Chae?” Choi Seunghyun asks as he helps Chaerin into her coat. To me they look like old movie stars, acting out a scene in a re-run, playing on the television in the background. Somehow the people in those movies always look so beautiful, living lives I could never imagine with red lipstick and shiny hair.

“We’ll take a taxi, it’s fine.” I hear my sister saying, vaguely aware of her kissing his cheek before turning her attention onto me. “Hayi, are you ready to go? You should put a coat on.”

Is it cold outside? I had forgotten.

My body stills feel like it’s in purgatory, floating somewhere between heaven and hell, and undecided where to land. If someone were to punch me I don’t think I’d feel any pain. There’s only a stirring in my stomach and a dryness in my throat.

Chaerin’s hand is warm in mine as we get into the taxi parked outside Hanbin’s house. I don’t think to glance back at him until it’s too late. I watch through the black window and red tail lights, trying to find him through the blurred figures we leave behind. I didn’t even say goodbye.

“Dad’s fine, Hayi.” I’m reassured through carefully crafted words. “We’ll get to see him in a week.”

In a week.

It’s hard to think about the passage of time when everything seems like it’s on its head. The time from when Hanbin yelled out to me from when Professor Lee called from a payphone in the station. The time from when Chaerin’s tears quieted and she asked me to go home with her from until we got into the taxi. It all seems so relative, either stretching impossibly long or flashing by without my noticing.

-&-

I go to the kitchen to get a glass of water after my shower, finding Chaerin sitting at the table. My coat is slung over the back of the chair, and on the table is a pack of cigarettes. I set down my glass of water, making eye contact with Chaerin as she slowly raises her head.

Her eyes are glassy and red with recent tears.

“Hayi, why was this in your jacket?” She slides the cigarettes across the table.

“I bought them.” The truth slides defiantly from my tongue even though I know she wanted me to lie. In spite of her wanting me to lie. “They’re mine.”

The carton is flung at my head before I can react.

“Are you crazy? Carrying around cigarettes and smoking?” Chaerin springs to her feet, fists angrily clenched on the table top. “And you even came home drunk that night! How much had you been drinking when you’re not even supposed to with your meds?”

She has no claim to the fury boiling through the blood. She has no right to be angry at me.

“All you and Professor Lee ever do is ask if I’d taken my meds, like you want to fix me!” I snap, the pent up feelings burning at my throat. I wipe at the hot tears as they come, furiously swiping at my cheeks. “You don’t ever ask how I’m feeling! You don’t even care!”

Chaerin pauses. Like the quiet before the storm.

“Don’t you remember when mom died? Dad and I can barely look at you, thinking you’ll leave us just like she did...” She breathes out after a while. I stare at her in shock, my chest clenching painfully. “You even look exactly like her… Why did you even have to take after something like this?”

“What do you mean?” My voice is quiet. My eyes don’t leave hers.

“It wasn’t a car accident. Mom didn’t die in a car accident, Hayi.” Her voice cracks, her breathing uneasy with tears threatening to fall. “She was sick. It wasn’t an accident.”

“How could you lie to me?”

“How could we tell you the truth?” Chaerin sobs. “It was just easier for you to think that… And for us to believe it.”

-&-

My feet swing the air as I lay in bed, surrounded by printed out syllabi and scattered sticky notes. I chew on my pen, flexing my toes to the beat of the music streaming through my head phones. I look up from my notes, distracted by what sounds like a knock at the front door.

I pop out my earbuds and listen closer. There it is again. And again.

Jumping up from bed, I walk out to the hallway to answer the door but the knocking has stopped.

I peek down at the main entrance, only to quickly hide back around the corner. Chaerin had already opened the door and let her guest into the house. I press my back firmly against the wall, as if I could disappear into the house.

“What made you stop by this late, Jiwon? I already washed my face, you know.” I can hear Chaerin complain teasingly from downstairs.

I know it’s futile, but please, please don’t be him. Please, don’t be Bobby.

“I came to check on you.” My heart sinks as I hear the deep voice and my fears are confirmed. “You haven’t been answering your phone.”

“My dad’s fine. He ended up missing the train because he didn’t want to rush through his breakfast. He wasn’t involved in the crash because he wanted to savor his meal, that is so like him.” There’s a little laugh and then quiet sobs. “I was so scared something had happened to him.”

I look back over the staircase and see Bobby’s arms wrapped around her. My heart sinks.

“You should rely on me more.” He tells her, his hand her hair. “You should call me when you’re scared. Because you’re more than just a coach or older sister to me.”

“You’re sweet, Jiwon. Thank you.”

“I’m being serious. You’re special to me.” A long pause. “I love you.”

I feel sick. I know I shouldn’t, but I do.

I get up as quietly as I can and head back toward my room. My legs start to shake and I want to cry. I clutch onto the wall for support as the hallway spins around me.

-&-

“Why are you peeling it like that?” Hanbin asks impatiently.

I look up with a frown, holding a clementine in my hand. My nails are too short to pick off the skin easily. I’m convinced it takes a super power to peel it as quickly as Hanbin always does.

“Why are you nagging me?” I pop a slice into my mouth, chewing thoughtfully as I gather up the peels into a growing pile between us. I sniff my hands, yellowed from the citrus. They smell good.

Hanbin snorts and I send a death glare his way before stuffing the rest of the clementine in my mouth.

“So Professor Lee’s back?” Hanbin changes the subject.

“Yeah.” I stretch out, uncrossing my legs and letting them rest on the floor. “He’ll be back to teaching after this semester. He promised not to be gone as much but he still has a lot of seminars this month.”

“How do you feel about that?”

I shrug.

“Honestly? I don’t really know.” I toy with one of the clementine peels, rolling it around in my palm. “I’m sorry we barely got to hang out over break.”

“It’s fine.” He gives me a little smile and punches my shoulder. “It’s not like I don’t understand.”

“It’s too bad we didn’t get a chance for more slumber parties.” I smirk. “I wanted to give you a makeover.”

“Yeah, I’ll pass.” He flicks a peel at me. “Are you and your sister getting along? No casualties?”

“We’re in the middle of a cease fire.”

Chaerin and I have been talking more. It’s awkward, but it works. She’s rarely around but we’ve both been living at our family home while Professor Lee is in Korea.

“And your crush?” Hanbin asks casually, inspecting his own yellowed nails.

I nearly choke.

“I’m going to give up.” I laugh awkwardly, a tiny smile lifting at the corners of my lips. “I’m an idiot so it didn’t really work out.”

“Oh.” Hanbin responds simply. He pauses and then opens his mouth to speak, but says nothing.

He looks like a goldfish.

“Well, I should get going.” I cut in nervously, putting my notes back into my bag. “I have to go meet my research group.”

“Oh, okay.” Hanbin stands up with me. He stands in front of me, not moving.

“Seeya, Hanbin.” I try to say goodbye but he places his hand on my arm.

I stare at him with furrowed brows.

“Hayi, that kind of thing isn’t your fault. You know you’re not stupid. You’re really ing smart.” He says in a serious tone. I’m too shocked to say anything. “Okay, well, I’ll see you later.”

He moves his hand, awkwardly placing it in his pocket.

“Yeah.” I breathe out in surprise. “See you later.”