On the dimly lit street, street lamps casting yellow light over the cars and trees, the first thing I notice is Hanbin. He leans against the brick partition outside of the house, scuffing his feet against the pavement. A sinking feeling stirs in my stomach as I watch him from my window.

For some reason I don’t want to meet him, I don’t want to know why he called me out at night.

I pull a sweater over my shoulders, quietly walking down the stairs. If I make too much noise I’d have to explain to Chaerin or my dad why I was going out late to meet Hanbin. If they were to ask I know I would tell them. Our family has had too many secrets.

I slip on my shoes and gently close the door behind me, Hanbin’s head popping up as I move toward him. I can see the haggard details in his face that the distance from the window had blurred. I see the lines in his forehead, the dark rings under his eyes. The twinge in his lips as he tries to smile, but like an overstretched rubber band the frown comes snapping back.

Despite my first instinct, I don’t ask if he’s okay. I can see it in the hunched curve of his shoulders, the restless twitching of his fingers. My answers are all there, in his evading eyes and tousled hair.

Instead, I reach toward him, wrapping my arms around his body. I kiss his cheek and rest my chin on his shoulder. I tell him I missed him, even though I saw him that day. His thumbs knead into my shoulders, down my spine.

But the gnawing worry in my gut hasn’t gone away.

We walk down the street silently, hand in hand. Every once in awhile Hanbin opens his mouth as if he’s about to speak but then he purses his lips into a tight line. Something catches his eye and Hanbin stops. I try to follow his line of sight but he turns to look at me, holding onto my other hand as we face each other.

“Hayi, if you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?”

“The ocean.” I reply without thinking, and a grin has already started to form across his features.

“Okay, let’s go to the ocean.”

I follow him across the street to the bus stop, too dazed to say anything. He’s smiling and that’s all I can really manage to care about. I feel so pleased that his mood started to turn around that I don’t want to ruin the moment by asking questions.

We step onto the bus and sit near the back, the seats mostly empty. Our fingers stay intertwined, resting on Hanbin’s thigh. He places an earbud in my ear and puts the other one in his. My head leans against Hanbin’s, his eyes watching out the window, as I start to doze.    

As the bus empties and drives further into the country, it feels like we’re travelling through outer space. Everything around us is blackened by the night. The lights on the highway zoom past us like meteorites. As bus comes to a stop, I follow Hanbin as he steps off and starts to run down to the dunes. I hold onto his hand as I run with him, the sea air filling my lungs. I can’t help but laugh like a crazy person, the sound of the crashing waves easing all of my worries and pushing them to the back of my distracted mind.

The water’s cold as Hanbin splashes me, kicking at the waves as he smiles and laughs. Maybe we really are on another planet, I let myself think, looking out to the black ocean that seems to go on for forever. Hanbin holds onto my waist and I shriek like a child, the water lapping at my torso.

I wriggle from his grip and run back toward the shore, grinning as I collapse into the sand. Hanbin, not far behind, falls with me. I barely avoid being squished by rolling to the side, Hanbin’s laughter filling my ear as his body lays sprawled next to mine.     

“I wish we could be together forever.” Hanbin says casually, his eyes facing toward the sky. He turns to look at me, his hand reaching to brush back wild strands of hair from my face.

The words are stuck in my throat, but I know I don’t have to say anything. His thumb caresses my cheek as he looks at me. I try to communicate everything that I can’t seem to form into words through my eyes, hoping he can see it all. He rests his hand on my neck and smiles, warmth flowing over my body like a wave.

For someone who overthinks everything, I wonder how I never saw this coming. Hanbin was always there. Patient, quiet, understanding. He was the little boy peeking from the staircase, the classmate bringing my notes after class, the friend holding my hand. I took him for granted, but I won’t do that anymore.

Hanbin moves so that he hovers above my body. His lips press against mine gently, and I kiss him back as my arms loop over his neck. The kiss starts out innocent like a slow burning fire before erupting into an urgent blaze. My hands splay across his body, exploring beneath his hemline as I try to memorise each expanse of smooth skin. Our lips grapple as our hands explore like we can’t get enough of each other no matter how we touch, pet, .

My clothes are damp and there’s sand everywhere but nothing else matters except for the warm body against mine.

“Let’s just stay here like this.” Hanbin suggests, my head resting on his chest as I catch my breath, exhausted.

“Forever?”

“Yeah, I’ll become a fisherman and you can run a restaurant with the fish I catch.”

“But I don’t know how to cook.”

“Well, I don’t know how to fish.” Hanbin replies with a laugh, the sound vibrating into my ear. “We can learn.”

Hanbin’s stomach growls and laughter tumbles from my lips despite myself as I sit up.

“Okay, but should we get something to eat first?”

We walk to a tent stall across from the beach, shaking sand from our clothes as we dry off. I steal glances at Hanbin as walk hand in hand, his expression still worn. He smiles when he catches me looking, his hand squeezing around mine tighter. We sit down at the restaurant, nearly empty except for a few other groups and drunk grandpas. The owner sets a pitcher of water between us on the table after we order and I pour a glass for Hanbin. He pretends to take a shot and I laugh, but a part of me feels bad.

“You can order a beer if you want to.” I tell him, sipping at my own water.

“Nah.” He clinks his glass against mine, a reassuring little smile tugging at the corner of his lips. “If you’re not drinking I won’t either.”

“I wish we really could run away.” I confess suddenly with a sigh after we’d finished our food. “I’m worried about Professor Choi not being happy with us.”

“Life is too short to worry about what other people think.”

“But Professor Choi isn’t other people. She’s your mom.” I let out a sigh, knowing Hanbin cares more than he’d ever say out loud. “I know how much you love her and want her to be happy.”

“But I love you, too.” Hanbin frowns, placing his hand over mine on the table. “I want you to be happy, too.”

I look down, feeling the weight of his words like a pleasant pressure on my chest.

“Let’s just stay here tonight.” I offer, my cheeks feeling hot. “I mean, we already missed the last bus.”

Hanbin looks at me for a dragging moment, then knocks back a shot of water. I can’t help but laugh.

-&-

The scent of acetone fills my nostrils, making me feel dizzy. I sip at a can of coke with a bendy straw to alleviate the lightheadedness while Chaerin leisurely drinks from a glass of white wine. I roll back and forth in the rolling chair while I wait for my nail technician.

“You didn’t pick a color?” Chaerin asks as she sets down her wine glass.

“I’m not going to get my nails painted.” I chew on the straw. “It’ll just get chipped.”

“You should get acrylics.” She flashes me her long, pointy nails. “It’ll be hard to bite your nails and it won’t chip. It’ll be pretty.”

“I don’t know…”

“Just do it.” She goads me, punching me lightly on the shoulder. “I’m paying, anyway. And it’s for my wedding.”

“Okay, okay.” I roll back up the table as the technician sits across from me. Chaerin tells her what to do in words that sound as foreign as an alien language. I decide it’s not worth the fight and stick out my hands.

“How are things going with Hanbin?” Chaerin asks after a while, her voice barely audible over the power tools being used to wear away at our fingers. I stare at her in shock with a gaping mouth but she doesn’t seem fazed. “What? You two are being pretty obvious, you even spent the night together.”

“N-no, it’s not what you think…”

Chaerin doesn’t even spare me a glance.

“You don’t have to study psychology to know these kinds of things.” She shrugs. “As if I wouldn’t be able to tell you’re dating, Hayi. We’re sisters.”

I let out a shaky laugh. She’s right. Even when we were on bad terms I still knew about her relationship with Seunghyun. Back then she felt like a stranger to me but I guess she never really could be. Chaerin was always my sister, there was nothing we could do to change that even if we sometimes wanted to.

“Chae, you can’t say anything to Professor Choi.” I plead with her, wincing as my cuticle gets cut.

She only laughs.

“Don’t let Hanbin’s mom bother you. It’s not like her opinion really matters.” She advises me flippantly, looking at me with a patronizing quirk of her eyebrow that’s supposed to comfort me. “Just be honest and talk with her. She’s a woman who responds to being forward.”

I sit quietly in my chair for the rest of the appointment, swallowing back tears. Why am I the only one who cares about Professor Choi’s opinion? I know that it really does matter. It matters to me.

I want Hanbin’s mother to like me. I want her to be happy with Hanbin. I don’t want to be the reason why he can’t see his mother or the reason why they fight.  

Hanbin and I are dating now, but that doesn’t mean we’ll always be together. Just because we want to be together forever doesn’t mean we’ll really get married. Why would I fight with Professor Choi if I’m only a temporary part of his life? I wouldn’t want to cause a strain in their relationship if ours might not even last.

I look down at my hands, a droplet of red running onto the pink varnish.

“Hayi, are you alright?” Chaerin asks in concern and I notice the wetness on my cheeks.

Ah, I was crying.

“It hurts.”