The sky is endless and bright above my head. My chest is light and my breathing is smooth. The grass is soft against my back. A dandelion tickles at my cheek as the wind blows gently. My hands don’t shake.

“Hayi.” Hanbin says my name like a poem, paying attention to each syllable with care.

I turn my face to look at him, his body propped up on his bent arm as he watches me. The sun shines behind him, setting him on fire. His hair flutters in the breeze, shining like spun gold. I squint through the blinding light, seeing only the faint line of his smile.

I haven’t felt like this since I was younger, the quiet ease of childhood. The sense of peace and freedom that innocence brings. There was a time I didn’t worry, a time my skin didn’t crawl with discomfort, a time my heart didn’t race with senseless anxiety.

“Hayi.” His fingers reach out to touch my cheek but I don’t flinch. “Let’s not be friends anymore.”

“What?”

The wind picks up around us. I feel like I’ll be swept up with it.

“You’re more than just a classmate or friend to me.” I can still only see his lips, his face obscured in the sunshine’s glare. “You’re special to me. I love you.”

The air’s knocked from my lungs as if someone’s punched me in the gut. I lurch forward in shock, grasping onto my chest with my hands, afraid my heart will break through my ribs. My teeth clatter behind my lips, a coldness biting at my skin.

My covers have been kicked off of the bed, my legs stretched bare, covered only in goosebumps. I grab at the corners of my comforter, pulling it tightly around my body. My body is cold but my face is hot.

This isn’t right.

-&-

All I know about love is what I’ve read in books or seen in movies. The beautiful young heroine chasing after her stoic love interest, both of them hopelessly fumbling around each other. Like life imitates art and art imitates life, I watch as it unfolds in front of me.

The tall and handsome leading man helping the stubborn and independent main character with her suitcase. She shyly moves her hair from her face before looking up at him. Her sunglasses are still on because she doesn’t want him to see her cry.

She’ll only be gone a few weeks, she promises him. He tells her to get him a souvenir for his desk.

“Have a safe flight.” I wish her awkwardly as Chaerin turns back to me before getting into line for customs.

In the car, I share a bag of donut holes with Choi Seunghyun. He wipes his mouth inelegantly and I remember when I was thirteen and drawing his name inside of a heart. Choi Seunghyun, my therapist’s little brother. Choi Seunghyun, the first love I begrudgingly shared with my sister.

“Isn’t this the most time we’ve ever spent together?” He asks me, pulling into the faculty parking lot. I wonder if anyone will notice his parking permit has expired. With the new semester and new job, he’s not faculty anymore.

I shrug. “Probably.”

“I think Chaerin was happy you saw her off at the airport.” He muses suddenly. “It’s good to see you two getting along these days.”

When I woke up this morning I didn’t plan on going with them to the airport. It was a split moment decision to avoid riding the bus with Hanbin. I couldn’t face him without thinking about that stupid dream. Uncle Seunghyun said he’d drop me off at campus and I jumped at the chance.

I don’t admit this out loud, of course.

-&-

Click.

Scroll.

Tap, tap, tap.

Click.

I cover my face with my hands, rubbing my temple lightly. Yunhyeong sent me the finalized survey for our research. I had spent most of the morning sending mass emails out to students and faculty. I thought my fingers would fall off, but no. I stare at my hands, indents on the pads of my fingers that been pressed against the keyboard.

Still there.

I let out a long sigh, leaning back in my chair, letting out a small yelp as I lose balance. I expect to fall on my , I’d done it before enough times. (To this day I’m remembered as the girl who teetered off her stool in Anatomy lab.)

But I don’t fall. I turn around, feeling hands on the back of the chair keeping me in place. Hanbin?

Nope.

“That was close.” Nam Taehyun grimaces, his caterpillar brows knit together.  

“Ah, yeah.” I laugh, trying to cover up the disappointment in my voice.

Disappointment? No, no, no.

No.

Nam gives me a strange look, watching me carefully without saying anything.

“Are you busy?” He asks after a moment, his tiny pink tongue darting out to wet his lips thoughtfully.

“No.” I answer too quickly. He laughs. “I’m done for the day.”

“Would you like to help me with something?” He asks cautiously. Something in his expression makes me suspicious.

But it’s not like I could say no. And at least I wouldn’t be here, slamming my head on the keyboard.

I follow him back to his office where he opens the door to reveal a mountain of papers.

“The electronic stapler was broken and I have to give this test out this afternoon.” Nam says sheepishly, throwing his bag onto the floor. I watch in stunned silence as he clears off a section of his desk, pulling a chair over so I could sit. I’d never seen his individual office before, but it was a mess. Somehow, I’d thought he would be neater. For a man who graduated early, I thought he’d be more organized and efficient.

Apparently not.

I huff as I sit down, putting my backpack over the back of the chair. I can feel it already, my fingers are about to start a mutiny. First I put them through email hell, and now, this.

“Sorry, I’m really desperate.” He grins like a little boy, setting out an armada of staplers. “In case one breaks.”

I feel bad for sighing, I was the one who said I’d help. But seriously.

I get to stapling, carefully pulling apart and separating each copy, then setting it in a neat stack. Nam clicked away on his laptop, doing who knows what. I thought he’d be stapling with me…

He gets up and I watch from my stapling production line, a tinge of bitterness.

I lock and load another stapler, it’s ammunition exhausted. I try not to think about that dream, or Hanbin. Or Hanbin in that dream. But thinking about not thinking about him is thinking about him.

It was just a dream. It was just a dream but my cheek almost tingles where Dream Hanbin had touched. His words, stolen from Bobby - I know that, knock around in my head. What I don’t get is, why did it have to be Hanbin? I’d never once thought of him like that. Why Hanbin?

I slam my hand down on the stapler, withdrawing my hand in pain. Ow, ow. Bad decision.

When Nam comes back holding two cups of coffee I feel a little bad for sticking out my tongue when his back was turned.

“Do you take cream or sugar?” He murmurs, a packet of sugar in between his teeth.

“No, just black is fine.” I smile, taking the cup from him gratefully. I’d set up a well-oiled machine for stapling but every machine needs fuel. I take a sip of the coffee, deliciously instant. My fuel.

“Good, the creamer’s expired and this is the only sugar packet left.” Nam laughs, ripping open the little paper packet and shaking it into his cup. I watch in fascination as he swirls it around with his finger before popping his finger into his mouth. My image of him as a chic academic is shattering by the moment.

Nam Taehyun is secretly just the average twenty-something guy who does gross things and doesn’t clean up after himself.

He looks at me in confusion for a second before laughing.

, did I say that out loud?

“Sorry for ruining your fantasy.” He smirks, winking at me as he sips his coffee.

“To be fair, we don’t see each other very often.” I explain, hiding my embarrassed face with a test. “I’ve only ever seen you in class.”

“Should we?” He asks, his voice taking on a deeper tone that makes me twist uncomfortably.

I peek up at him. “Should we, what?”

“See each other more often.” He doesn’t look up from his laptop, his fingers still hammering busily on the keyboard. If I weren’t the only other person in the tiny room, I wouldn’t be sure if he were speaking to me. “Let me buy you actual coffee some time.”

“Okay.” I agree without thinking. If I were to think too hard I don’t know what I’d end up saying. It’s just coffee, it’s not like there’s a lot to think about.

“I’ll text you.” He looks at me from the laptop, a smile on his face. Then, he goes back to work, as if the conversation never happened.

I finish my stapling to the soundtrack on keys clacking on a laptop and Nam occasionally clearing his throat. He gives me a grateful nod as I sling my backpack over my shoulder and shyly back out of his office.

-&-

“Want a beer?” Jimin asks the moment I walk through the door. I decided to skip my afternoon class, after my stapling side job made me late. It was the staples, not because that’s my only class with Hanbin today.

The staples.

“No, thanks. I quit drinking.”

I throw my bag onto the floor, falling onto Jimin as she moves her box of chicken to give me room to rest my head. She shrugs, sticking a chicken wing in my mouth before taking a swig from her own beer.

“Have you been drinking alone?” I ask in between nibbling on the wing. “What about Jackson?”

A big sigh.

“He’s dead to me.”

“What?” I look up at her in worry. “Why?”

“He told me I’m the best friend he’s ever had.” Jimin grumbles. “He said he’s so grateful for our friendship.”

I can’t help but laugh.

She smacks my head but she’s had enough to drink that her aim’s a little off.

“What about you?” She asks. “Why are you so gloomy?”

“Maybe I shouldn’t talk about it.” I throw the chicken bone onto the pile Jimin had made on the table next to the crushed cans.

“Nope. Spill.”

“How can you tell if something’s a date?” I ask carefully. Jimin groans predictably. “Like, if someone you’d never thought of that way asks you out for coffee, that’s not a date, right?”

I twiddle with my thumbs as Jimin drinks her beer thoughtfully. I almost grab a can but decide against it. I’d been sleeping better since I stopped drinking.

“So Hanbin finally asked you out?” Jimin says after a while. “I’m jealous, at least someone’s having luck in her relationship.”

“No.” I stand up straight as if pulled by a marionette string. “No, it wasn’t Hanbin. Why would you say that?”

“Why are you being all weird and defensive?”

“Hanbin and I are just friends, that would never happen.” I roll my eyes, deciding not to tell her about the dream. “It was my TA, he asked me out for coffee.”

“Your TA? That’s .” Jimin wags her brows, thankfully dropping the Hanbin subject.

“Jimin.” I huff. “Okay, forget it. I’m going to my room.”

“Hayi! I was just joking.” Jimin gives me her best puppy dog stare but I feel too sober to deal with her.

“Goodnight.” I tell her, snatching up my bag before slamming the door to my room harder than I had intended. I crawl into bed, making myself a blanket cocoon.

Why did Jimin assume it was Hanbin?

We’ve been friends for as long as I can remember. She went to highschool with us, she knows we’ve never had that kind of relationship. I kick at the covers in frustration.

Why?

Why Hanbin?

Why did it have to be Hanbin?

---

A/N: thank you to everyone who has shown this story so much love. I wasn't planning on updating until after my finals but I had some free time today. Next chapter (and from here on out) there will be lots of bobhanhi moments to look forward to.

I hope you enjoy this chapter, I was kind of nervous about posting it!